Making Mistakes

I know people make mistakes, and accidents happen.

But if by saying the above sentence means the probability of mistakes/accidents happening = 0.5 or any statistical fraction, why does the probability of me making mistakes/accidents = 1?

That's why whenever I hear stories about 'who did what' in the lab, instead of thinking stuff like 'oh so he/she did that wrongly, shall take note and not repeat it", I always have this extra nagging feeling that "that thing could have been done by me too".

Sigh. Sometimes I think (or maybe I know) I'm a clumsy walking catastrophe.

Fortunately the thing that happened today wasn't that big. Well it was kind of serious but it could have been worse. Much worse. And I'm thankful it hasn't come to that. (Yet.)

However it makes me feel like every time I advance three steps in work, I retreat at least two when I do things like this. Plus all the undeserved patience and guidance and concern I received. It makes me feel both very touched and very guilty.

But if this is the way God wants me to learn humility: I'll say let the accidents happen and the mistakes be committed. If that's the only way for me to learn how to be careful and alert all the time, and think ahead and think on my feet; I'll say better now than later when things become bigger and consequences become more serious.

I can't help being clumsy, it's in me and it's part of me. But I can rely on God to overcome. Dear God, help me learn how to learn. Help me willingly learn how to learn Your way - even though it might not be the one I want to go through. Help me be thankful for these opportunities to learn.

Not Nine

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. How many fruits of the Spirit are there?

Just found out that in Greek, the word for fruit is 'karpos', and it is singular. There's only one fruit of the Spirit, and that one contains all nine graces.

I just found this out a few days ago, and the knowledge has particularly encouraged me. Particularly because I've been struggling with some of these graces. And wondering why after so many many years of being a Christian, I am still not there? Still not half there?

But as pastor has shared in the past few weeks, sometimes Christians burden themselves with a list of do's and don'ts. However, grace is not about those, but what has already been done. It is not my own righteousness I'm depending on, for I have none at all. It's Christ's. And the fruit of the Spirit, they are not mine but the Spirit's to bear. And because now I am free from sin's bondage, I have the liberty to show forth this fruit. And by being able to show forth this 'one' fruit, I can also show forth all nine graces in the fruit.

Sanctification is still an on-going process. But it's feels so much lighter to know, to reckon, it's not me it's dependent upon. It is Him who is doing the work. There's so much hope in knowing so for I know that through myself I can do nothing, but because it's God who's working, it can be done, it will be done.

Otherwise, it just feels so heavy. Still carrying burdens on my shoulder when God is already carrying me through. I've grown up believing in and relying on works. Because I know works are in a sense, manifestations of grace. But sometimes too much focus on works, to 'produce results' makes me undermine the power of grace to produce such 'results' and beyond.

It has been so tiring. But thank God everyday I can come to Him and lay down my burdens. And start with a new source of strength, not my own, but His.

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Work has been going on well so far. I am still learning many new things, and am improving in my hands-on lab practices.

What is worrying me is my desire to look for a purpose in work is quenched somewhat. The routine tasks, the increasing comfort of settling down, does obscure that part of myself one whole year ago, to look for something special in what I'm doing.

Where is that special purpose? I do not need to suddenly pop out and wave itself in front of me all at once. But I just need to remind myself always, that it is there. And it's not enough to work to earn $$. Or even just to work so that I can learn more things. Or meet more people. I'm still waiting.

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Am also thinking of starting some project of my own (with all the non-working hours I have), but have been too lazy. To write something, to compose, or to help out in forums like I did last time. Or maybe improve my Chinese/ English.

Hmm.

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Changed my blogger theme because the feeling of it being 'not me' is getting stronger. This current one doesn't look very nice yet, I know. But it will do for the meantime when I look for another theme that suits myself more.

Reading News

Yesterday I just discovered that The Star Online has news in Malay too.

It's been a long time since I've read proper articles in Malay. And I was rather shocked by the fact that some words already seem foreign to me. Words that I could spout automatically when essay writing during Form 5 days (my Malay deteriorated rapidly when I was in Form 6, both spoken and written). Very common words like 'gejala', 'menonjolkan', 'masyarakat majmuk'.

I think I should start reading (and maybe writing) material in this language again. I don't want what I've learned for years to dwindle until what is left behind is a mere ability to chatter in coffee shops. I've started out in this language from scratch, became comfortable in it, and mastered it eventually. I don't think I want to let this go to waste.

It's the same for my Chinese. Ever since there's no Chinese software in my laptop, I haven't been writing in Chinese much.

Personally I think Malaysians are very fortunate to be exposed to so many different languages from young. If I was not force fed these three languages all the way since Primary school I think there would be a very high chance of me giving one or two of them up half way (most likely Bahasa Melayu as it felt most foreign to me). But learning all these has exposed me to the different ways people think and feel through the way they express themselves verbally and in the written form. A same piece of article expressed in all three different languages appeal differently to my sentiments. And most importantly, because I could feel these different sentiments, I could somehow identify myself better as a Malaysian, instead of being just me.

To me, English is beautiful in a classical way. It has a long history, but somehow it feels modern to me when I read views from people. It is far stretching and diverse, and identifies with both my logic and emotions. The Chinese language however, feels closely tied to its roots. Each word carries a certain weight. Somehow Chinese always feels weighty to me. A very short sentence, when disassembled word by word, can bring out very wholesome meanings. And somehow this is coupled with a broad sense of grandeur. And finally the Malay language. It feels romantic, in a Malay sort of way. It always appeals to emotions and sentiments. This may be weird but when I read fictional stories in Malay, at the recess of my mind there is always a very visual layer of color to it. Some dusky color, like yellow or pink in the sunset. If English stories have a color to me, then it's white. For Chinese stories, they are colorless.

As much as I appreciate different languages, I don't think I have the will to learn a new one today (except maybe Thai, since I watch lakorns a lot and have already picked up stray words and greetings here and there). I think there's enough to do just trying to keep these three languages I've learned as a part of myself.

A First Neighborly Conversation

OK I admit it. It's not the Singaporean HDB culture or anything that has caused me to be so aloof from my neighbours. I think it's just me.

I've been staying in Kovan for two months plus plus now and sadly with the exception of day one or two when the uncle staying downstairs has come up to complain of the noise we made in the middle of the night dragging furniture on the floorboards; I haven't really talked to any of my neighbours properly.

Jon has been doing quite well though. He's been stalked by a young girl upstairs, made friends with her dog and her dad, and also known the uncle who stays downstairs.

I haven't been making any progress except saying 'hi' and 'bye' to the same girl upstairs, and all these random mutual acknowledgements (or anyway you put it) are initiated by her. She's really friendly but I do get a bit at loss of what to say with people for the first few times unless they initiate the conversation. Even though she's a very outgoing (and very very cute) five year old kid. She's definitely one of those kids that Dawn would be head over heals in love over.

Anyway today when she came down the stairs to say hello to me when I came back from work, I managed to find our her name, her age, and how old her sister is. (So far all I know about her + family is her dog's name.) Maybe I should start knowing her family members better too. I have definitely lost out to this 5 year old kid in terms of neighborliness. In fact the maid I see washing the car each morning when I leave for work has taken the initiative to say hello to me too. :S

Sigh. I really am very anti-social.