Rebuilding Castles

Have you done something which required a lot of effort (or in Singapore terms: 'sai kang'), rushed through it the whole day, and just when you think you can stop and everything is going to be submitted you realize you have to start it over from scratch again?

It is my first validation run, and today was a good day with just the correct number of days for me to do everything myself, and this happened. First time staying back for overtime at work, and having to re-do all I did today tomorrow or some other day. It just felt tiring and disheartening.

But when I looked at my colleagues who stayed back and realized how tired they were, too, I just didn't have the heart to show that I'm upset or disappointed. I do show that I'm stressed a lot, but this is different. And it was hard keeping it inside, but it had to be done. 

Anyway, I've gone through this before. Countless times. During almost all my project works in NUS. Especially during my Design Project. All these 'surprises' never failed to pop up and I'm amazed that no matter how stressed they caused me to be, God always pulled through. Even when I didn't have enough faith to know that I'll pull through, God was still faithful. 

And now I still hold on to Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I may not have the right skills, knowledge, or what some people call 'luck', but I have the assurance that all things work out for good. And I need to approach this with the right attitude, though it's awfully difficult. Basically all I want to do now is break down and bug someone and rant (poor Jon). 

But to believe that all this is for good, means not ranting, right? But be thankful because it's going to be good.

Compressed

These few weeks at work has been really challenging. The workload has just increased, and it feels like the moment I step into the lab, I work non-stop until the 8 hours is over. Even eating is done at top speed. And I think we'll continue to work this way for a long time. 

I seriously don't mind being fully occupied from start to end of my shift. I don't even mind forgoing my toilet breaks for work. But it's stressful because besides having to do things fast, I have to do them accurately. And people like me who always like to plan my time with a comfortable buffer have to plan it exactly right now, with almost no allowances for surprises such as instrument column getting choked, faulty pumps, need to refill used solvents etc. It's very tiring.

Sometimes I just start a run without checking more than once and just hope anxiously that there's nothing wrong.

I must say this is good for me in a way. If I don't gain that much intellectual knowledge (my learning is plateauing now), I might as well gain other skills such as working quickly and accurately, as well as being able to multi-task. To meet the needs for other people as well as my own. 

It is difficult because it is under stress that I make myself emotionally vulnerable. My self control breaks down and sometimes I do and think things that make me ashamed of myself. Ranging from harmless effects like yammering nonsense, to the 'mind my own business first before thinking of helping others' mentality. 

I also find that I emit a lot of negative energy when I'm stress. Jon knows this too well, but usually I keep all this confined at home (poor him). Now it goes out to my colleagues too. I don't verbally complain a lot, but my face shows that I'm stressed. And when you see your lab mates with long faces and hear them sighing, it's really rather depressing. As the state in my lab is most of the time depressing enough, I try my best not to add to the negative energy. But it's so difficult because it all surfaces so easily.

Just been feeling really disappointed with myself the last few days before my off-rest. I am someone easily affected by negative energy. That's why I'm not really the best candidate if you want to talk to someone whom you can off-load your problems too. If you do it too many times I tend to be affected by your emotions too, and generally start to feel impatient. Not that I like to be like that, in fact that's part of me that I don't really like. The part that thinks of 'me' first, how I'm affected by your moods, instead of being empathetic towards why you are feeling that way, unless your problem really connects with my emotions in the first place. Yes it's difficult to confide to someone like that, and it's harder to know you're like that but you can't change.

It's hard to keep in focus and remember - the extra work I'm putting in, the extra hours crammed into one, is to keep the cost of drugs low so that someone may afford them better. At least I hope it leads to that.

And on my last shift cycle I was going home feeling that I've done a bad job and have become an emotional burden. Then I remembered this Bible verse from Psalms.

"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the lifter up of my head."

Those three words meant so much to me. Shield. Glory. And 'lifter up of my head'. 

Shield me against temptation to sin in thought and sin in action. My glory is the most glorious God of heaven, my source of joy in every occasion, my source of holiness, for indeed God is holy therefore He is glorious. Lifter of my head for there is no reason to be downcast when He is with me.

And I felt so much better. Now at work I'll think of my shield, my glory, and the lifter up of my head. It takes that burden away, and makes things so much purposeful. 

The Good News

Had a bad bout of coughing fit the whole of the previous week. Was so tired from coughing that on Wednesday and Thursday (my morning shifts), I had more than 12 hours of sleep each day, and that wasn't enough. Still haven't recovered from it yet. My coughs last long. Tried three different type of medicines, and the traditional Chinese kind. All to no avail. Just succeeded in reducing phlegm and inflammation, but still couldn't prevent me from turning into a human machine gun. 

Anyway, as I told Jon (who is also coughing), this is a good chance for us to practice our gospel sharing while having a cough. We'll be flying to Philippines in mid-July to do classroom sharing of the gospel. And it would do good to practice doing so while having a cough, because who knows what we might get over there. We are still having practice sessions fortnightly and every time I go through the gospel in my mind, it is still as sweet as ever. The message that saved me.

The gospel is not about what Christians do and do not do. Not about going to church. Not about 'believing' in principles and stories. Not about doing the right thing over the wrong because God is watching and so on. Not so much even about going to heaven and hell. 

The gospel means 'good news'. But instead of giving you a set of ready-to-go directions on how to reach heaven, the gospel is really about God. God. God. And it's amazing that just by portraying Himself as who He is, the gospel has the power of salvation unto those who believe.

God is holy. And by holy we don't just mean 'sacredness', or 'aloofness from the world' or I don't know what else people associate holy with. God being holy simply means God is perfect. And perfect not in beautiful sense (which He is), but in terms of righteousness. God is good, God has no sin, God has perfect righteousness. If the standard for holiness/perfection is 100%, God is the 100%. If the standard is 1000%, God is is that 1000%. God is the standard for perfection. Not only He has no sin, but He hates sin. The Bible says God is of purer eyes than to behold sin (Hab 1:13). And God's standard for us is that we be perfect too, for He says, "Be you therefore, perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48).

But the Bible has also said, "All men has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23).  There is no one righteous, no not one (Rom 3:10). And not only God is holy, but God is just. God is the creator of the world, and He is also a judge. And according to the Bible, the wages of sin is death (Rom 6:23). Wages indicates something one deserves because he has worked toward it. And death in the Bible refers to hell, or else referred to as 'the lake of fire', or the 'second death'.

What is sin? Murder, stealing, lying, taking drugs? Have you hated someone so much that you wish he'd die? The Bible says by doing so you have committed murder in your heart. Have your eyes lusted after someone's wife? The Bible says by doing so you have committed adultery. Such are God's high standards for perfection that no man is able to attain, for we are sinners by birth, and sinners by choice. And just like a person only has to kill once to be a murderer, to lie once to be a liar; a man has but to sin once to be a sinner deserving the wages of death. Heaven or hell isn't a state of mind. Nor is it a perceptive reality (it's as real as you think it is). It is not whether you think you are going to heaven or to hell that matters. It is the real state that matters, the absolute truth. Simon always quoted that truth is arrogant. In a way, it is, because everything 'else' has to make way for truth.

God could have just been holy and just and condemn the world to hell. Rightfully and justly so. But God is also love (1 John 4:8). The Bible does not just say God is loving - but it says God is love itself. And in John 3: 16 it says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live a sinless human life on earth, so that He would become the perfect sacrifice/ atonement for our sins. To satisfy the justice and appease the anger of a holy God.

You see. It couldn't be anything less than God's only Son. To demand for a sacrifice less perfect and less worthy would demeans God's holiness and justice. It was the only way. And Jesus took all our sins on His shoulders on the cross, and said there, "It is finished." There on the cross were our sins: past, present, future. And on the cross God the judge dealt with His beloved Son bearing the sins of the world, our sins - thus Jesus' cry: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?". 

But that was not the end. Three days after His death and burial, Jesus was resurrected from the dead, conquering sin, death, and hell. Thus we see the greatness of the power of salvation - the same power that rose Jesus from the dead, can free us from sin, death and hell; and instead gives us the righteousness of Christ. For then we are righteous before God, not because of our goodness, lest any man boast, but because of Christ's own righteousness we wear when we put on Christ.

And John 3:16 says 'whomsoever believes in Him shall not perish but have ever lasting life'. And in Romans 10:9 it says, "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you will be saved." Believing is not just mere head knowledge. Supposing you believe that chair A is able to hold your weight. Yet when sitting down you pull chair B alongside chair A and let both chairs support your weight instead, just in case one collapses. This doesn't show your belief in chair A. To say you believe in chair A, you rest your whole body, your whole weight on the chair. To believe in Jesus Christ, you surrender to Him your whole life. For Jesus himself said, "I am the way, the truth, the life. No one can go to the Father except through me." (John 14:6)

If you believe in Jesus yet rely on fate, works, activities, people, other faiths, whatever other means to find reconciliation with God and to earn salvation, you do not believe. Believing is putting your hand on the plough and not looking back. Surrendering your life and your soul to Jesus, because you believe, you know, only He is able to save you from your sins.

Salvation is a gift from a gracious and loving God. And a gift, however highly priced cannot be earned, but is received undeservedly. And unless one receives a gift, the gift cannot be called his own. And so - God has given the gift of salvation to 'all who believe'. Everyone in the world. No matter how hopeless a sinner, how evil a man, what he has done in the past. If you repent and believe that Jesus can save you of your sins, you can receive this gift of salvation from God. It is not your call or prayer that saves you, but it is God who does.

Do you believe God can save you from your sins?

Do you believe God wants to save you from your sins?

Do you want God to save you?

The Bible says "Those who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved." He is just a call away. He has already seen you and loved you undeservedly and prepared salvation for you. Will you call out to Him?

困扰

很多认识我的人,都认为我情绪淡定.
的确,我没有什么所谓的大喜大怒.
不会哭得稀里哗啦,也不会在日记里面乱骂人.

然而,发现自己还是潜意识的会被情绪影响.
虽然不怎么强烈的情绪.
可是仿佛一股暗潮, 在不知觉中澎湃.

今天在工作的时候一直出错.
虽然不时什么严重的大错,
可是忙碌中不自觉的惊诧自己竟然招架不来.
没有人责怪我,可是我已经知道,
自己今天不专业.
把自己潜意识的情绪带到工作里,
因此影响表现.

回家审察自己,才懂.
原来我心理埋葬很多的愧疚.
觉得亏欠家人.
亏欠我的男友.
亏欠自己.

一年的时间只有那么多.
回家也太少,留下也太少.
阿公生日,我第一次不能回家.
我心里也知道,多数不会是最后一次.
解决方式是否是换工作?
可是又觉得没有换工作的平安.
就是没有平安.

到底是自己得不到了解,
还是我太固执太坚持自己的主见.
自己的选择,也应该了解当付出什么牺牲代价.
可是一定要这样吗?
不能被成全吗?
有人说我回家的次数太多.
又有的认为太少.
可是,勉强的套一句:人在江湖,身不由己啊.

我是否不适合作外地工作的游子?
我还在寻找这个答案.

小记: 虽然心情有点难过,
可是朋友煮了意米水,
竟然意外的让我心情舒服一些.
竟然有一股由神来的安慰,
仿佛说无论多难过,
生命总会有感恩和喜乐的理由.
你只要看见.