转角

休息了好多天，听到好多消息，想了好多好多。昨天还以为自己找到了方向。今天又怎么是失落惆怅和迷茫。

我总是从孤独一个人的生活里学会找到自己，然后碰到一些可爱的人，依赖着他们成长。他们离开后，我又得重寻那曾经自立，曾经坚强的我。

总是告诉自己这路不是第一次走过。也总是在重新上路时觉得自己很累。

也好。也好让这个长被左右的人找到自己的原则。也好，在孤独的时候重新发现自己的价值观，自己的定格，自己该去从的方向。

也好让自己闭起双眼勇敢坠落，掉如一个叫信心的网罗，什么也无法依靠抓紧，只等待一双叫爱的手搂接着我。

我现在仿佛失去侍奉的方向，事业的方向，梦想的方向。我知道我站在一个转折点，却不懂这一转什么时候开始了，什么时候会结束，会如何结束。

当上帝让摩西知道他不能走进迦南地，要在旷野继续绕圈圈时，摩西没有心存不甘。他何尝也不迷茫惆怅看不见未来。可是他最后到了比迦南地更美丽的地方。他每天看到比迦南更荣美的上帝。我相信上帝以自己满足了摩西对迦南地的期待。

主我期待你的迦南。可是我更想看到你。

My long break

One day of annual leave, followed by two days of off-rest and five days of mc (wisdom teeth extraction).

Would spare you the gory details of my extraction and recovery (probably not that gory if you are away from my perspective but I was really freaked out). And it's the first time of my life I've been stitched!

Caught up with my lag in my one year Bible reading at home. Jon treated me like a princess which I am really thankful for. Plastered tissue boxes and waste bins everywhere, stocked the fridge with yoghurt and ice cream, crushed my pills, cooked porridge, and took leave to spend time with me. Then there was these rush of SMS's checking in on how I was and saying stuff like 'you're so brave! Two at a go!' When in actual fact I was forced to go through it. What can one do with two threatening decaying teeth of wisdom right? Anyway I do feel really blessed.

Tomorrow is back to work season but I really hope it can be back to eat soon. Not that I crave eating normal food as much, but rather I crave the normal sensation of 'being able to eat in the ordinary way again'. Though I'm glad I'm far from the stage now when I tearfully swallowed my first meal of ice cream (my favorite food, imagine!), I still long for my tongue to be free again and that flap at the side to close up so that I could eat other things without worrying I will hurt myself too. 能吃是福。真的。

I've been thinking about other things to but some thoughts and postulations should best be kept to myself till they are confirmed to be reality. Dear God, Thy will be done in every station, and all things will work for the good for us who love You. Be merciful to those outside Your kingdom too, that they may experience this love and goodness of Yours. Not in abundance or security in the things of this life but everlasting security and assurance in You.

留下我

当每个人努力的往外展翅高飞时
我这时候的选择还是留下
虽然没有你们
虽然环境变迁
多了辛苦
少了笑声

因为我给了一个承诺
因为我终于了解
我的使命变了
从服侍看不见的人
到服侍看得见的人

我相信
我因为这个使命没有离开的意愿
你们也因为我的使命没有离开的机会
可是时候一到
使命就会改变
人的命运也会改变

所以要珍惜当下
也为未来的人和事
装备自己

Jesus I My Cross Have Taken

I just emailed my home church pastor to tell him that Dawn and I would like to present The Power of the Cross on Palm Sunday. He said later on that he had listened to the song and it was meaningful and 'tough'. I'm not sure if he meant 'tough' to be the vocab used in the lyrics or the song held deep meaning?

Anyway it led me to think of another song that James said was really tough to sing when he led in worship, and it's because to sing this song really challenges our commitment to Christ, and it really means living by faith (and only by faith) each day. It's a very meaningful song and I thank God for the song wright, every line and every verse of this very long song holds such weight, none of it was lightly written. 

To see Christ as most precious beyond anything else in the world. To see Christ as most secure more than anything in the world. To please Christ rather than to please man. To welcome suffering and even pray for suffering if only Christ's glory be shown. And above all these, be rejoicing, rejoicing and rejoicing because of the Godly assurance of having Christ.

It's difficult, but it's worth it. And it's never too difficult for us. So true, oh, so true.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee;

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my All shalt be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known;

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

And while Thou shalt smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends may shun me;

Show Thy face, and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!

Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!

In Thy service, pain is pleasure;

With Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba, Father!

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,

All must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me,

'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;

Life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation;

Rise o'er sin and fear and care;

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

What a Father's smile is thine,

What a Savior died to win thee;

Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

 Haste, then, on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith and winged by prayer;

Heaven's eternal day's before thee,

God's own hand shall guide thee there.

Soon shall close the earthly mission,

Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope soon change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.