Goodbye Walking Alone (Soon)

Today I went out on another of my solitary shop and walk trips (which always end up with me buying nothing but lunch and dinner). As I walked home slowly it just struck me that after I get back into a normal day job, I won't have nice empty week days to spend such time walking out there on my own any more. The weekends will just be too short and too precious to be spent doing nothing chilling but in the Jurong East Public Library. And even if I have time for that the shopping malls and the library will be full of people and it will feel very different.

I guess moving into a day job means getting more 'we time', but at the same time, it loses my 'me time' which is very precious to me. A lifestyle that I have unconsciously cultivated over these two years plus of working shift. A luxury I quietly enjoy. Hours and hours alone with the day just blank ahead. Not profitable hours to be sure, but they are enjoyable ones.

My boss has already promised to get me out of shift by 3rd quarter of the year, though goodness knows which lab they'd transfer me into. Life will be very different a few years down the road. Though there is part of me that frets this great change, another part of me firmly testifies to myself that all along these two years plus of work, God has given me such favor among my colleagues and my superiors, and has taken care of my welfare so that I had no disadvantage at all although work conditions had changed so much. I have been so secure during times of change and flux, and although I have made mistakes and did things that were wrong, He provided forgiveness and favor both from Himself and from people.

As I finally let go of this hazy 'shift-life security', the security of having free time to myself, of drawing a higher salary, of not having to work longer hours that I was supposed to, the security of benefits shift workers have; I also acquire faith to walk into the unknown. Of not knowing who and where I will serve, what the people will be like, and how my work life balance would be like. But these are the things the flesh look at. All I can do now is to commit these things in prayer with faith: God, how can I serve you better now? How can I be shaped in my new environment? How can this help me trust You that You will provide for me and I will not be in want? How can I be a better steward of my finances and of my time?

As for now, let's just have a few more library trips while they last. :)

Angles

Jon has flown off to China to help out in a Christian youth camp over there. Again I realize how emotionally reliant I am on him because I felt at once lonely when he left. Although I already had CG to go that night, not to mention a houseful of housemates close to me.

So the first big bout of thankfulness came when Simon offered to pick me up a little way from the airport to CG, and once I had someone to chat with in the car, I didn't feel alone anymore. Then there was CG which I met WC for the first time a whole month after he joined us, and over the weekend I took 3 different cars around the back and forth home, got to knew HS and DN better, as well as met a new friend.

Suddenly I felt that the 'me' in there was so different once detached from the safe and comfy Jon and me community. People were more open to me, and so was I to them. I remember when Geri introduced me to her friend, I jokingly said that 'Jon's girlfriend' was my other, more popular, name. I guess in many ways that is true. Sharing, or preparing to share lives with someone else does take away individuality somewhat. But I am too made with my own 'shape', and cannot, out of complacency fall out of shape.

I guess that's something to think about this year too, as we prepare to go through most of our life together.

One more for 2013

So now I am bumping up and down in the shuttle bus on the way to the mrt station, and then home from night shift. Thought it would not be a bad idea to blog now since it's the last day of 2013.

I remember the start of last year. I callously started off the year assuming that I did not need a new year resolution. After all what's the point of having one when it doesn't really help? Or so I thought. So I left off the new year resolution.

 Many things happened this year. I suddenly got promoted to being a senior in my workplace. Started serious cg meetings as a core member and tried out bible study facilitation. Joined a DG (disciple group). Had an unforgettable gospel sharing experience at Manila. Got proposed to. Improved my craftsmenship by leaps and bounds. Played lots of board games. Went rock climbing. Went for weddings and housewarmings.

Yet throughout the year I feel a loss of direction. And there were things that happened and I just got this heavy, senseless, lost feeling most of the time. My quiet time was seldom quality time. My work was chaotic. My impatience to see growth in others was not in tandem with the lack of growth in myself.

So for next year, I shall set resolutions for myself. Not so to make things look neat and pretty but so that I have a direction and a set of priories to turn to when I get lost. And here they are.

1. I resolve to have quality quiet time each day and journal faithfully.

2. I resolve to responsibly plan my marriage as best as I can.

3. I resolve to do my best to be part of cg and contribute to its growth.

4. I resolve to take responsibility for my own spiritual growth and prioritize it over developing other skills.

5. I resolve to give my best at work, not complain and trust God to open doors for me.

6. I resolve not to talk behind people's back or put people down. I will also try my best to be encouraging esp to my family members and Jon.

7. I resolve to keep in touch with my friends, and attend their weddings and special events.

8. I resolve not to give up even though I cannot perfectly realize my resolutions.

There. Happy 2014! May it be a better year. 

So That I Still Remember to Blog

I haven't been blogging for a long time! The last few times I did was using my iPhone, but now, since I have moved on to a 12-hour shift, I do not take afternoon shift buses anymore, and hence do not have that big chunk of time to blog.

Anyway some thoughts for this last month of the year - not going to update much so here's just some random stuff. Many things happened and I just can't keep track of all! I think in between my blogging absence my grandfather got saved, Rachel left for Kuching, everybody's been bugging me and Jon about our barely existent wedding plans, I've picked up a new game which is the Chinese online version of Bang!

Since this is the last month of the year, and I doubt I'll be blogging again this year, here are some closing thoughts about this year, and some 'opening' ones about next year.

1. Marriage
I've been forced to think about marriage quite a bit ever since Jon proposed. Somehow my mind just automatically shuts down when it comes to planning stuff, and I'm sort of torn between wanting a decent marriage sequence of events and that strong inertia of not wanting to prepare for it. I just don't know why. And the date is drawing near, time is running short, and we've got nothing down on paper yet.

But the portions of Pastor J's marriage sermon series did help in many ways. It just goes deep down to what marriage is realistically like, and what it's supposed to be, and (the most exciting part), how it is an earthly portrayal of our heavenly unity with God. I have no doubts that marriage is never going to be easy, but I'm lucky in a sense that Jon is Jon, and he does give in to me a lot, and is patient with my faults. The hard part would rather be how I position myself to be a good helpmate instead of being always on the receiving end.

The reason why I said all these are comforting is because it takes my mind off the preparations and instead focuses on heart preparations instead. And that building a Christ centered family and keeping lasting memories is so much more than gowns, and events, and dinners, and photographs. Or even looking pretty on that big day or that the day runs well. I know this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but then again, which day in your life doesn't happen just that once in your life time?

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I still do not plan/want/desire to have kids. Period.

2. Work
My performance at work this year is like a pendulum swinging across extreme ends. There are some things that I've been doing very well in, and at the same time I have been very careless with my routine work. It's true that I can always pin down the root cause to busyness which I cannot help, but I guess I just need to take ownership of the way I do things, and take some things to be granted without checking. I hope I can learn to be more careful with the little things I'm entrusted to, not just in work, but every part of my life.

But I'm very thankful for friendly and encouraging colleagues, as well as God-granted favors and understanding from my superiors. I'm thankful for new people I've met this year, and old ones I'm keeping in touch with. Sometimes I feel that I associate the human factor much to strongly at work, but it is something that I don't want to be detached from either.

I wonder how next year will turn out to be. I have plans for the future, but I need to wait for God's timing.

3. Growth
Thank God my cell group. If there's anything that I took home this year, it is how we grow in fellowship and love together. Never before have we taken together so many strong initiatives to give people a sense of togetherness in the CG. Never had we all gone out of our way to make people feel welcome. Thank God for Joey, I learned a lot from her. Thank God for Simon, I've always learned a lot from him and known him as a great teacher, but this year, I see him pushing himself and growing himself too. And I admire him for knowing his weaknesses and unhesitatingly correcting that. Thank God for the core group from which I've drawn much love and encouragement, and have motivated me to serve together. Thank God for the dear brothers and sisters in our now much-larger CG, being transparent in sharing, being faithful in service, being encouraging in conversations, although we haven't even know most of each other for even a year!

Thank God for growing our little family. Grow us more too, in every other way.

4. 2014
Frankly speaking I don't like this idea of entering into yet another new year. The previous one just slipped by way too quickly, and I'm officially going to be in my late twenties next year. It just felt like I celebrated last year's Christmas not too long ago, and 'happy new year' meant 'welcome 2013'! And 2014 is going to bring so many changes and new decisions to make. And I"m the sort that doesn't like flux and decision making. And PR renewal.

I think the reason why this year has gone by so quickly is that I've just been passing day after day, flipping my way across the calender just like that. All in a routine week. No challenges to self. Not much growth. Smothered by work. Taking it just week by week by week like that.

I hope 2014 would be more. I hope at the end of the year when I'm at the threshold of 2015, I'll look back and say: many things happened this year, and I'm glad this year happened. I hope that as I walk one year closer to eternity, it would be a joyful one for myself and those who walk with me!