為主來夢想

相片里儿时的模样记录着年少的时光

曾经在你我的心中

要登上月亮 要飞越太平洋

多年后 我们都成长 告别了清涩和迷惘

曾经在你我的心中 编织的梦想是否已遗忘

人生的理想是为主发光

拭去了泪水使我们更坚强

路依然漫长别失去盼望

痛苦时记得有主在你身旁

为主来梦想 为主来发光

虽然有挫折 但我不用沮丧

主是我力量 主指引方向

我们的日子有梦想

有灿烂的阳光

Found this song that has been ringing around my head lately. Its quite unusual for a song to stay in my head when I haven't been listening to it so long. Anyway there was one point of my life that I really loved this one. Its a very nice song, well sung and well written. It's one of the type of songs that I wished I'll be able to write. During that brief window of my life, when I tried my hands on composing, I wanted to come up with this kind of lyrics (I was actually more interested in lyric-writing than writing the music). I wanted to write something people would actually think about, when they sang the song, something rather than those normal cliche lines that are reproduced from one song to another. For those who don't know Chinese, its about reminiscing the days when we were having a dream for God, and picking up those dreams again.

I haven't shared this with anyone yet, but since its nothing to be embarrassed about I guess I'll share it here. Back when I was Form1-Form3 (I can't remember exactly which year), I actually wanted to be a doctor and work in the mission field. :) Anyway after that I realized how foolish it was to have a dream so that I could just stand in the forefront and do God's work, without considering if that was really the thing God wanted me to do. I'll never make a good doctor, for I don't have that much love within me to sustain myself through those tough hours; and even if I do... I don't know, maybe it just wasn't in me to care for others that way. That's why eventually I concluded that I don't have that in me to make a good doctor, or even a good teacher. Last time one of my teachers kept asking me to become a teacher. I said no, but I didn't tell him why. The truth is I knew that even if I became a teacher, all I'd care of is the results of my students, and maybe the admin work I'm supposed to do, but I don't have that much love in me to care about their lives. It will be too taxing on me I think.

I still don't want to be a doctor or a teacher; but I want that spirit of mine back again. The heart that says, God, I'll do for you what I can do best in. At that point it was studying. Sharing things I've read. Playing the piano. Leading small activities. Blogging and forum moderating. Thinking of and praying for people. Now, I've lost myself. I don't see what I'm good at, because everywhere I see people way better than me in every area. NUS does give me an inferiority complex.

I love the Bible study discussions we were having lately. It was not just one discussion or another, but a strong cumulative effect that showed me that in this life, it's not about us, it's about God. My favorite Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength, is not supposed to be limited, or may I say, degraded, to tell me that God will pull me through my exams, and this dreadful rat race I'm about to be in, only. Life is not about being a rat, its about a bigger macro view of telling God's love to others, one way or another, so that they may see and be saved. That is what this verse, and many of his promises that I used to blindly claim - and limit, to my exams, is really about.

That God hates sin, all men will be judged, and even Christians need to know this.

For be doers of the word, and not hearers only deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of a word, and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.

James 1: 22-24

Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on the house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.

But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.

Matt 7:24-26

Life is really not about building up empires, getting famous, doing things people have never done before, and to boast of it. True, it is what the world values, and what, as they may tell you, being young is all about.

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, And the years draw near when you say, I have no pleasure in them. - Ecc 12:1

and,

Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. 1Tim 4:12

Yes I know we've all learned 1 Tim 4:12 since we were primary school kids or so, but how many of us know that being an example to believers isn't about carrying on your everyday life and thinking: this is enough? And this is my way of being an example? Christians need to stretch their comfort zone, stop being passive, and go further than that.

It all starts with a dream, but it doesn't stop there. And as I stand here at one of the cliffs of life, thinking, wondering, and dreaming: This is the time to claim the promises of God. This is the time to claim Phillippians 4:13. :)

Post Exam

This is the end of my third year in NUS. When school reopens, I'll officially be a Final Year, ending my school life.

I haven't been blogging in a gazillion years, and I have loads of things to say... yet I don't feel like blurting everything out in one night. I still have to rush out a bit more FYP readings before meeting my supervisor tomorrow, else I'll be really blur. Going home on Sunday afternoon, and back again in NUS on the Thursday after that for FYP meeting.

Just a recap about my modules this year.

Engineering in Drug Delivery - People who like to mug, can stand boredom, and can do differentiation properly should take this. The tutorial questions are horrible but exam questions are OK. Its like MA1505 and MA1506, if you know what I mean; only less intense, and there's plenty of chance to read up about drugs, which is what I liked. I wish the exam weight-age was more on the drug components and pharmacokinetics, it was so interesting and kind of important, but was not really emphasized on. The maths was OK, I could actually do everything, but I WOULD read the question wrongly and leave out the term 'gradient' behind the word 'concentration' behind a 50 mark question. I don't want to think of what grades I'd get for this module, it was the VERY FIRST TIME I could finish almost all questions in an exam paper (by almost all I mean 80-90%) and I have to leave a single word out in the question paper to kill my grades. Not to mention I had near perfect CA scores too. GAH. I guess being careless isn't a thing an engineer should be so I'll just take this lesson along with the others and trust God to give the grade that He feels I deserve.

Chem Eng Lab III - My very last lab - I don't know whether I'll ever be wearing my lab coat again. It already has holes here and there due to my dragging it here and there, and various stains too, from highlighter stains to spills here and there. I'm kind of glad that I don't need it for FYP or my attachment - it's too embarrassing to be displayed in public. Thank God for good lab mates, who are all very prompt and cooperative, that I have to say, this is the best lab group I have had for all three modules (sorry Kasun and Mich)! Its really hard to find 5 people who all put in their best effort together for a mere 2 MC module! Lab was fun, and for once all my vivas were OK! To K&M, you guys were great in a way too haha :)

Management and Organization: I was super happy I took this module... not because I was going to score in it or anything but I learned heaps from it, and now I'm very, very interested in HR! The video taught me more things than I thought it would: It was a very humbling process that forced me to open my eyes and admit all my faults when I was all alone thinking about it. Our video was not a bomb and it was the only one in the tutorial class that was not nominated for any form of award. But it was in this I learned how to really manage a group, and make good friends :) I saw all my weaknesses in managing people and a project, even though all my group mates saw were my good points (and I love them for seeing all that). Really took home a lot from there, only it was too late when I knew what I should and could have done. Well, it was just too late for this project, but not for future ones, I'm sure!

Consulting Skills for Transformational Leaders: Yew Hong always squirms when I say I'm taking a Level 3 Business module haha. I really like Business modules, and I believe that they are not going to be impracticable in an Engineering setting, especially the HR aspects. This module really complemented my Management and Organization module, and vice versa. MNO was broad, this was deep (and broad). The professor itself was enough to give anyone an inferiority complex. He had his Masters in Harvard, and PHD in Oxford, a Fellow in McKinsey consultant, help Malaysia set up the e-government system, worked in many countries and for many organizations, wrote numerous papers, taught management in China (and in Chinese). He's German, but he knows a whole lot of languages. He properly addressed and answered everyone of our weird, situational questions in class, and was very practical in his answers. He knows his values well and stands firmly by them. (And if all that is not enough, he's handsome too!) For all these, I shall forgive him of the Very Weird Question he set for us during exams, which I answered to the best of my ability. This module made me reflect a lot on my leadership qualities too - and thought of how I could have been a better leader in my project groups, in church, in RH CME. I was always the leader who labors, but not the leader who manages and plans. The leader who allocates everyone a job to do, and anxiously wait for results (and most occasionally is forced to finish the work myself), not the leader who inspires people to do work, and let them know and feel the work is meaningful. I have a lot to learn in leading, and in managing things in an organization.

FYP: There's nothing much to say about my FYP because its so broad that its confusing me and I'm still supposed to be looking things now at this hour. :X Thank God for a nice professor who is always encouraging and a helpful supervisor. Also thank God for Mei who is taking this project with me, so I'm not alone. In fact she makes me want to buck up because it looks like she's been so hardworking all the while and I've been neglecting my FYP for my other modules. Time is scarce and I only have less than two months to complete my work before I start my attachment in Shering Plough. Hence I'll have to buck up and sweat for it every day of the hols! And hopefully brush up my MATLAB skills in the process.

Concluding thought for the semester: I'm very, very interested in HR now, especially after talking to Yew Kwan when he helped me for my project for my Transformational Leaders module! And I'll taking the compulsory HR module for engineers next semester, so I'll be enjoying that too (hopefully)! Somehow I do wish that whatever job I'm taking up in the future has some HR element in it, although I'm not an MBA graduate. I wonder how that's going to happen but I know what I've learned this semester is somehow going to be put into good use through my life!

All this while I've been struggling with something else too... I'm still a bit hesitant to commit my service to God in one, unknown area, that I still don't know what it is. Need much prayer and guidance now for this :) My NUS journey has taught me how important it is, for a young person to dream dreams that are different, dreams different from what most inhabitants in this concrete jungle dream. I should dare to dream big, to do something for God. I wonder what that something is, but I hope I'll not be too timid, and selfish, to carry such a dream in my heart.

Pressing the big red button

Funny game from Huimin's site:

Put The Big Red Button on your site

Of songs and presentations and other stuff

This is the song that kind of kick-started to my radio-listening days after Form 5 during the post-SPM holidays :) The first time I hear of it was in my driving instructor's car after my driving lessons. That was the first time I really liked Wang Lee Hom's songs, and liked Chinese pop songs as a whole. Now I'm basically very much a Chinese Pop Song person. I still listen to a very narrow range of songs, so it's not hard to get impressed with a specific genre like this.

And yes, I know there are plenty of nicer Lee Hom songs (and MVs) but this is the first one I kind of fell in love with, so I like it still. Haha. But I must admit there are other songs that touched me more.

One of the reasons I like listening to Chinese songs is the lyrics. To me, the melody kind of plays a second fiddle if the lyrics of the songs are really good. :D Though it's really crucial to make a song nice too. But still, lyrics come first. A good example would be the song 'The Rose'. It has the nicest lyrics, but why does it have to have such a monotonous tune? Still the lyrics did manage to pull up my impression of the song to a very large degree. If there were no lyrics and just the melody, there's no chance I'd listen to the song The Rose twice. (Unless it was sung by Westlife, and I happened to see their MV. Or better still, the GLCC Campus version for Kailing's birthday.)

My lab presentation (the one I was almost not aware of) came and went. Frankly speaking, I'm quite numb with doing presentations now (group presentations, not those with just myself in front of the whole class). Still, I can't help being a little nervous when I imagine myself doing my FYP presentation one year ahead, all alone in front of a few professors (and an audience). Presenting alone is not that, but the thought of being bombarded with questions at the end and having to handle all that by myself makes me shudder. I'm seriously not a Q&A person.

Today's presentation went quite well. One thing I note about my presentations is that I have a clear voice, can explain things well, and don't need small notes in hand; but I have the most horrible eye-contact and blank expressions (I think people who see me translate in church could more or less attest to that). I saw that first-hand in my MNO presentation video. Some how I don't like to establish eye-contact with people while giving speeches. It makes me feel uneasy. In the end, I end up spoiling my overall presentation outlook. Thankfully, the eye-contact thing is generally not a problem during interviews. I feel more at ease during job interviews compared to presentations. Sigh. Even I can't bare the sight of myself giving a speech.

Somehow within this one year, I must train myself to be more at ease when doing public speaking to make my speeches more appealing in general. Maybe smiling a little bit might help release the tension too. But it won't help either if the smiling looks too fake. The only times I could do 'public speaking' properly is when I do informal sharing in fellowship groups, or lead activities in youth fellowship (few years ago).

As I grow up I realize there are so many tings I need to brush up, not just physical things like this; but also my whole outlook towards learning and perceiving others, as well as attitudes toward things. It is weird that it is things that I felt proud of years ago, that I feel I need to change now, because it's getting in the way of me being a better person. Sometimes these thoughts come when I'm showering, or randomly doing work, or when I'm falling asleep in bed. I guess all these change in mindset is part of a process called growing up. I learned that a person's personality is a very stable thing and its hardest to change, unless there is a dire sense of urgency to do so. That's why no matter how many revelations I have, it is still hard to act upon those discoveries.

It's going to be the last week of the semester (before reading week and exam week), and many final years are feeling quite nostalgic about entering a new phase of life soon. I could see so from reading blogs and facebook updates. They make me feel nostalgic too, although there is a full year ahead before its my turn to graduate. Next semester I'll enter the working world as an intern. And the semester after that I would be doing a frantic job-hunt as well as searching for a place to stay. Singapore isn't exactly very kind to its working professionals, unless you're already somewhere at the top of the ladder. Starting out like this feels like stepping out into a hostile environment, away from the sheltered facilities and open learning experiences in NUS. It will be an entirely different world. I hope by that time, I would have prepared myself enough to be able to cope.