One more for 2013

So now I am bumping up and down in the shuttle bus on the way to the mrt station, and then home from night shift. Thought it would not be a bad idea to blog now since it's the last day of 2013.

I remember the start of last year. I callously started off the year assuming that I did not need a new year resolution. After all what's the point of having one when it doesn't really help? Or so I thought. So I left off the new year resolution.

 Many things happened this year. I suddenly got promoted to being a senior in my workplace. Started serious cg meetings as a core member and tried out bible study facilitation. Joined a DG (disciple group). Had an unforgettable gospel sharing experience at Manila. Got proposed to. Improved my craftsmenship by leaps and bounds. Played lots of board games. Went rock climbing. Went for weddings and housewarmings.

Yet throughout the year I feel a loss of direction. And there were things that happened and I just got this heavy, senseless, lost feeling most of the time. My quiet time was seldom quality time. My work was chaotic. My impatience to see growth in others was not in tandem with the lack of growth in myself.

So for next year, I shall set resolutions for myself. Not so to make things look neat and pretty but so that I have a direction and a set of priories to turn to when I get lost. And here they are.

1. I resolve to have quality quiet time each day and journal faithfully.

2. I resolve to responsibly plan my marriage as best as I can.

3. I resolve to do my best to be part of cg and contribute to its growth.

4. I resolve to take responsibility for my own spiritual growth and prioritize it over developing other skills.

5. I resolve to give my best at work, not complain and trust God to open doors for me.

6. I resolve not to talk behind people's back or put people down. I will also try my best to be encouraging esp to my family members and Jon.

7. I resolve to keep in touch with my friends, and attend their weddings and special events.

8. I resolve not to give up even though I cannot perfectly realize my resolutions.

There. Happy 2014! May it be a better year. 

So That I Still Remember to Blog

I haven't been blogging for a long time! The last few times I did was using my iPhone, but now, since I have moved on to a 12-hour shift, I do not take afternoon shift buses anymore, and hence do not have that big chunk of time to blog.

Anyway some thoughts for this last month of the year - not going to update much so here's just some random stuff. Many things happened and I just can't keep track of all! I think in between my blogging absence my grandfather got saved, Rachel left for Kuching, everybody's been bugging me and Jon about our barely existent wedding plans, I've picked up a new game which is the Chinese online version of Bang!

Since this is the last month of the year, and I doubt I'll be blogging again this year, here are some closing thoughts about this year, and some 'opening' ones about next year.

1. Marriage
I've been forced to think about marriage quite a bit ever since Jon proposed. Somehow my mind just automatically shuts down when it comes to planning stuff, and I'm sort of torn between wanting a decent marriage sequence of events and that strong inertia of not wanting to prepare for it. I just don't know why. And the date is drawing near, time is running short, and we've got nothing down on paper yet.

But the portions of Pastor J's marriage sermon series did help in many ways. It just goes deep down to what marriage is realistically like, and what it's supposed to be, and (the most exciting part), how it is an earthly portrayal of our heavenly unity with God. I have no doubts that marriage is never going to be easy, but I'm lucky in a sense that Jon is Jon, and he does give in to me a lot, and is patient with my faults. The hard part would rather be how I position myself to be a good helpmate instead of being always on the receiving end.

The reason why I said all these are comforting is because it takes my mind off the preparations and instead focuses on heart preparations instead. And that building a Christ centered family and keeping lasting memories is so much more than gowns, and events, and dinners, and photographs. Or even looking pretty on that big day or that the day runs well. I know this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but then again, which day in your life doesn't happen just that once in your life time?

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I still do not plan/want/desire to have kids. Period.

2. Work
My performance at work this year is like a pendulum swinging across extreme ends. There are some things that I've been doing very well in, and at the same time I have been very careless with my routine work. It's true that I can always pin down the root cause to busyness which I cannot help, but I guess I just need to take ownership of the way I do things, and take some things to be granted without checking. I hope I can learn to be more careful with the little things I'm entrusted to, not just in work, but every part of my life.

But I'm very thankful for friendly and encouraging colleagues, as well as God-granted favors and understanding from my superiors. I'm thankful for new people I've met this year, and old ones I'm keeping in touch with. Sometimes I feel that I associate the human factor much to strongly at work, but it is something that I don't want to be detached from either.

I wonder how next year will turn out to be. I have plans for the future, but I need to wait for God's timing.

3. Growth
Thank God my cell group. If there's anything that I took home this year, it is how we grow in fellowship and love together. Never before have we taken together so many strong initiatives to give people a sense of togetherness in the CG. Never had we all gone out of our way to make people feel welcome. Thank God for Joey, I learned a lot from her. Thank God for Simon, I've always learned a lot from him and known him as a great teacher, but this year, I see him pushing himself and growing himself too. And I admire him for knowing his weaknesses and unhesitatingly correcting that. Thank God for the core group from which I've drawn much love and encouragement, and have motivated me to serve together. Thank God for the dear brothers and sisters in our now much-larger CG, being transparent in sharing, being faithful in service, being encouraging in conversations, although we haven't even know most of each other for even a year!

Thank God for growing our little family. Grow us more too, in every other way.

4. 2014
Frankly speaking I don't like this idea of entering into yet another new year. The previous one just slipped by way too quickly, and I'm officially going to be in my late twenties next year. It just felt like I celebrated last year's Christmas not too long ago, and 'happy new year' meant 'welcome 2013'! And 2014 is going to bring so many changes and new decisions to make. And I"m the sort that doesn't like flux and decision making. And PR renewal.

I think the reason why this year has gone by so quickly is that I've just been passing day after day, flipping my way across the calender just like that. All in a routine week. No challenges to self. Not much growth. Smothered by work. Taking it just week by week by week like that.

I hope 2014 would be more. I hope at the end of the year when I'm at the threshold of 2015, I'll look back and say: many things happened this year, and I'm glad this year happened. I hope that as I walk one year closer to eternity, it would be a joyful one for myself and those who walk with me!

Lessons Learned

I haven't been blogging for a long time. But so many things have been happening and I just want to record some thoughts today, that in a way has made me grow. Now is a time of flux in my life. Flux and burdens. And it either comes and goes wasted, or it will come and go, and grow.

Thoughts and learnings:

1. Unless The Lord builds, man labor in vain. It is pride to think that any labor or any good works for God can even amount to anything without His participation. It is foolish not to know that God grows. It is foolish to think that we labor and therefore we grow, and therefor we worry because it becomes all about us. Never forget the sovereignty and mightiness of God's hand. Never look down on His work, and never overestimate the impact of our own on our own.

2. Jon is important to me. I don't need a fancy wedding or even a normal conventional one. I need to marry the right person, at the right time, for the right reasons. And relationships are fragile things. How blessed am I to be in one that is meaningful and can grow me. How humbled am I too, that I have nothing to do with its preservation. 

3. I know my CG is a place full of people who care for each other. Yes we may be weak at reaching out to each and everyone person, even meeting their needs and making them at home. Yes we may not be sensitive. Yes we have priorities and do not like to over stretch ourselves. But I know if I have a need I just need to ask to receive from them the support I lack. And it is the same for me to them. Thanks for being consistent and being there for each other. I love you guys.

4. Work is just as important as I make it to be. I need to preserve my testimony and be Christ like at work. Yet I do not have to cross my personal physical and emotional boundaries to fulfill obligations. And favor comes from God. Not men.

5. I am just a girl with a lot of pride trying to do well, and care a lot about how people perceive me. And yet the gospel is about a finished work. Not an ongoing pursuit of excellence. It is a pursuit for desire, fueled by desire. It is a pursuit for glory, fuels by thanksgiving and humility and faith. It is a pursuit of a work not completed by ourselves but the finished work of divine love. Thank God for the gospel. For saving me from my sins, and my self.

Ninety

Going home for my home church for her 90th anniversary. I regret to say that I didn't do anything much for this year's celebration except copy out Psalm 90 by hand. Wanted to compose a song for the event, but did not do it eventually due to lack of inspiration and time constraints. Also, I couldn't think of a better song than Keith Getty and Stuart Townend's O Church Arise. Seriously, each time these two work together, wonders happen.

Rich, pertinent, and heart-touching lyrics. Wonderful melody and accompaniment. And as usual, passionately sang by Kristyn Getty. May it be a reminder to our Church and ourselves today. May the bride vigilantly prepare herself to meet her groom who bought her with His blood.

O Church Arise and put your armour on
Hear the call of Christ our Captain
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We’ll stand against the devil’s lies
An army bold whose battle-cry is Love
Reaching out to those in darkness

Our call to war to love the captive soul
But to rage against the captor
And with the sword that makes the wounded whole
We will fight with faith and valour
When faced with trials on every side
We know the outcome is secure
And Christ will have the prize for which He died
An inheritance of nations

Come see the cross where love and mercy meet
As the Son of God is stricken
Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet
For the Conqueror has risen
And as the stone is rolled away
And Christ emerges from the grave
This victory march continues till the day
Every eye and heart shall see Him

So Spirit come put strength in every stride
Give grace for every hurdle
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful
As saints of old still line the way
Retelling triumphs of His grace
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When with Christ we stand in glory