Second half of CNY

sMy 2nd part of Chinese New Year is spent trying to catch up with datelines I so blissfully ignored during recess week. The fact that I have to battle ants on my study table, and a horrible internet connection doesn't help much either. Fortunately Jon placed a modem in my room, so my connection is quite stable now.

I think my weak foundation in integration is killing me now. Really need to master this if I need to get my work done quickly. And nanotechnology in medicine is kind of driving me mad now. But at least it's only article reading, and not that much of calculation.

On the other hand, I'm really enjoying my Biz modules. I still think that MNO project is a bother because it's rather hard to get things done within a short timeline. But at least the project requires us to help other people which is a good thing. And I get to practice writing email-proposals again. Somehow I've been doing this non-stop since I was in Year 2. Learning more and more ways to communicate with people better, and manage teams. Terminologies are a pain though, but once you remember them they can be oh-so-interesting. And my MNO tutor handed me a big compliment regarding my role play yesterday (giving performance appraisal). He's really very nice. I rarely get compliments from teaching staff in NUS so those I get I remember well. I even remembered that a lab TA praised me once for using my fumehood properly and asked my classmates to follow suit.

The more I go through my biz modules, the more I realize that my need for affiliation and recognition is higher than I thought. Like the compliment thing - the type I like to get is not 'oh you play the piano so well', but rather 'you brought out the feeling of that song', or ' i like the way you handled that'. Specific compliments encourage me more. And on the other hand, I know this is horrible, but I don't handle criticism that well. To be honest, listening to criticisms make me very uncomfortable and I shun them. Some people attach criticisms with adjectives - you did this because you're 'weird' or 'lazy' or stuff like that. Somehow critisms that refer to an action (e.g. not clearing up my study table), is more effective, and don't hurt as much compared to those that targeting an attribute (lazy and disorganized because my table is messy). I know that I AM lazy and disorganized because I didn't clear up my study table. But it helps not to mention it you see. And another reason why my table looks like a war zone is because I don't have time to clean it (yea, excuses I know).

Simon taught us this song which he put on his blog last Friday:

You know, I'd never notice the words were so special until he pointed them out. I need to have a sense of personal mission for God.

Okies :) Back to integration.

A Recess Week That Really Felt Like A Recess Week

For the first time in my NUS life, I had a Recess Week that really felt like one. Meaning I almost didn't touch my school work at all throughout the week. And no mid-term exams! Oh joy! I literally played around through the week, ignoring the nicely made to-do list I brought back home. So now I'm cramming the whole list of work into one or two days. :( On top of that the PHD student in charge of my FYP sent Mei and I an email yesterday, requesting for a meet up next Friday to discuss 'any work we've done since the last meeting'. I did not do any work since the last meeting at all because it was right before CNY. Oh no. More work to cram.

CNY was nice although I didn't go around visiting too much, and didn't really eat a lot (but stuffed myself with mandarin oranges). Still, I had my fair share of CNY goodies. I wish I gained weight through eating them though. I just realized yesterday that Yew Hong lost 5 kg after coming to NUS too. So if you're overweight, and qualified to study in NUS, do come over. It will do wonders to your figure. But if you're thin like me, you'll become skin and bone after the three or four years are up. I seriously need to do something about my weight. But the thing is, I can't eat too much, and I don't seem to gain any weight although I do try and eat as much as I can.

I got a nice surprise after returning to my hostel in NUS yesterday. Tirza tidied my study table, and everything was arranged neatly. I just realized that her style of arranging things was the same as Mable's, who used to tidy my study table for fun before I went to university. I'll try and keep the table in the condition it is for as long as possible :)

There are so many things I want to do now but I've no time to :( I want to go to De-Coders to play board games! And I want to go to a random shopping spree and get discounted cereals. I read Mable's other blog yesterday and I feel inspired to write in Chinese again! But those things take time, and should not be done with a guilty conscience. My conscience is already guilty now because I just succumbed to the temptation of playing Diner Dash. I got past levels I've never broke through before and have stopped the game at the last restaurant out of the four. =p

To Push Hard and Aim High

We're doing a chapter on Motivation this week, and I read in my MNO text book that usually employees perform better if they are giving a very specific goal to start with, and not just the generalized one of 'doing your best'.

Some people say setting a goal is like putting a limit round your what you can achieve. But in my case, I guess I was falling back way too hard on my generalized goal on 'doing my best', and I only did my best I comfortably could, taking no initiatives to push my self further, and harder, and to believe I could do better.

I used to say that Mummy has unrealistically high goals and hopes for me to do well in NUS. But now I look back, I'd say, maybe, that was exactly what I needed.

No one is really pushing me on now, so it's up to me to exert more force and spirit unto myself. I don't say I'm going to graduate with a nice degree, but at least, I'd like my last few semesters in NUS to be fulfilling ones, in terms of academic goals.

I was chatting with Kasun the other day, and I felt ashamed of myself for being content with learning so little, while he even wants to use every bit of his summer holidays to get the most he could out of school life.

I have been spiritually complacent as well, being satisfied at where I am, and as Pastor Mike put it today, sitting at the sidelines and watching the race go by. It's time to jump back into action. Indeed.

And I need every ounce of daily grace and mercy for that.

Miss This Song

I saw a video of this year's RH choir aca in Facebook and thought of my own RH choir aca pella experiences. We sang this song 我们的故事 (translation: Our Story), by Tension. Well, of course not as well as this version here (this is not the aca version). But I like the version here in this MV (not the MV itself, I think it's quite bad, spoils the song). And the lyrics are wonderful! Perfect song for friendship, or even budding love that awaits continuition. Can't stop listening to it since yesterday.

在你左右
还有多久
怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重

握紧的手不愿放松
十点半的飞机它在等候
不要再让自己的眼泪流
我必须要走要记得~~~

我们的故事真难忘
太多的回忆和希望
不管它有多疯狂我愿意一生收藏
我们的故事不能忘
太多的情节要发展
不要放弃因为有一天缘份会继续

我知道你寂寞
一个人确实好难过
思念是一种痛
没有你叫我怎么活
身边充满诱惑
不坚定就容易犯错
你是否能看见未来的收获
你愿意在耐心等候

我们的故事真难忘太多的回忆和希望
不管它有多疯狂我愿意一生收藏
我们的故事不能忘太多的情节要发展
不要放弃因为有一天缘份会继续
让我们一起演完

I miss those aca days although they took up so much time I couldn't afford. I miss singing with Wayne, Cao Cao, Swee Yee, Hui Yi, Yu Xiang, Bo Sheng, HuX and Gant. And this song makes me think of Wayne because he flew back to Hong Kong! And of Cao Cao, HuX, Yu Xiang, Bo Sheng because I seldom get to see them any more as they are not in hall. And it reminds me of all the friendships I have lost, people I see in Facebook, but I am no longer physically connected to their social lives.

There's a version of us singing that song in Youtube but I'm not going to put that up here because the quality is quite... inferior haha. And I know my too-high and too-bright voice has a big problem blending into the team. Thanks Jerome for videoing. (I miss your blogs too.)

我们的故事不能忘太多的情节要发展
不要放弃因为有一天缘份会继续

I love these lines :) They carry hope.

Learning Experiences

I suddenly feel like I want to change my blogger blog template. But so far I can't really find one that makes me go 'wow'! I'm a bit bored of the current one although it's all pretty and cute and all. I like it, really, but somehow I think it's a bit too far on the cute end for me. :)

I like my business modules this year. They are quite psychological, and they sort of bring out the best in me. We're doing a video project on improving people's life this year, worth 35%. Somehow during group discussions I managed to lead quite a bit, induce topics for discussions, and build on my knowledge of emailing and contacting relevant organizations. Also, I get to work with different people too, those that I totally don't know. (Same for my lab group - I just got to know my lab partners today. Thankfully all of them are nice.)

The first half of a biz module I'm taking is on leadership training, and through the case studies I'm doing I get to reflect on traits of myself, both as a person and as a leader, understand why I do certain things and how I can go far. Usually I thought biz modules (at least the conceptual parts) are just lots of theory and crap, but this is the first time that I get so much from reflective learning. :) For example - leadership is not just leading people to goals, it's imparting influence so that people would want to get to that goal. That is true. Farid used to impart the concept that jamming is fun, and it's nice to learn new things. Shu Shan (my ex-Choir MM) gave us the impression that singing is the happiest thing, and it doesn't matter what quality comes out, the most important thing is to enjoy the process. And Sem (this year's Band MM) made us all realize that it is a previledge to be one of the best cultural groups in hall, and that we're going to go far no matter what.

We also learned traits of successful managers: self confidence, have high energy levels, be able to tolerate stress, good internal locus of control, emotionally mature, has integrity, cares for social good, has a moderately high achievement orientation and low need for affliation. Hah! I just realized that as a worker/leader/person etc, my need for affliation is really quite high. Just yesterday one of the basketball players approached me (in a nice way) and told me that my articles lacked pictures, interviews, and used the wrong jargon. Although I knew all these things all along, it still made me feel bad because I was not able to produce something good (and might have offended people along the way). This thing unconsciously stayed with me the whole day until the said basketball player replied my email in a very encouraging way, and it makes me want to write better for my remaining articles. I do care a lot about the way people look at me. Maybe a little too much.

On top of that I also learned how important conceptual skills are to a leader (or to anyone). Making good judgemen, having foresight, intuition, creativity, and be able to find meaing and order in things, and indentifying complex patterns in relationships. As a worker, it is good to have transferable skills (things you bring with you no matter which company you work with), as compared to non-transferrable ones. Conceptual skills, and interpersonal skills are what individuals should seek to develop, to increase their individual values as employees. There's a hundred and one other stuff that I did learn, and am excited about, but I guess I won't go too deep into those. Oh did I mention that the lecturer is tall and handsome, with blue eyes? That's another plus point isn't it? :)

Lab today ended late, kind of a bad start for the term. This is the first time the TA's actually abandoned us, and left us to fend on our own (which is actually what we should have learned to do long ago). So we spent eons figuring out what to do and why, until the TA finally dropped a tip or two. But I was quite satisfied with the experience, because even in a Kasun-less lab I finally managed to figure out concepts on my own, and help my group mates in discussion! Else I'll be relying on Kasun the whole time to explain things to me and understand how the machine works. (The only things he can't explain are bio-related). So I'm more independent now! :)

FYP readings are going along better now. It turned out that I have started with the heavy bulk of the readings, and the remaining ones are quite repetitive and lighter to absorb. Hopefully I can start doing the FYP proper next week! I would miss my Friday off-days a lot though. :(

The Integral Factor

I just read a friend's blog: Someone else had a problem and had seen my friend was too 'spiritual' because he kept bringing in God during their talks. Note: Person with problem is a Christian.

I always wonder some times Christians think it's 'fake' to include God as part of how you're going to solve your problem. Isn't God like the most integral factor of our lives? And without His will, and depending on Him, there's no way you'll totally be able to get out of whatever hole you're in.

Maybe it's the way that God is casually, and thoughtlessly portrayed with light 'Don't worry God is there to help you', or 'just pray and it will work out'. It's not what is said that's wrong. It's the way it's being said. If you ask the person not to worry because God will help, do you yourself truly believe that God is there to help so-and-so, or you just want to sink his/her burdens at the back of your mind, so it doesn't become a shared burden?

Sometimes when we hit a blank wall, up is the only way out. And praying although seemingly passive is a display of faith and dependence. God is a way out of problems - and sometimes the problems are there so that we draw nearer to Him. It's crucial to depend on Him to get out of tight spots - but that's not the main thing. The tight spots are not the focus, the dependence and growth in spiritual character is. To eventually to depend on God in everything, even when you're not in any precarious situation.

God is the way of life. No matter what we look for in a period of crisis - understanding, love, support, help, He is all of those. How can we push Him aside and hope to get through a dark period on our own, or on the basis of something else?