One Day at a Time

The days stretch long. But I am reminded that I should take not all together, but one at a time.

Dear God, give me Your special portion of grace for each day. To trust on You to provide for all my daily needs. The strength to give my best, the ability to take in shocks and surprises, the love to share, the patience to endure. The sight to see, the ears to listen, and a heart to feel.

I need that portion of grace. But help me not jump ahead and worry for anything beyond this one day. For like the way You fed the Israelites manna, your daily manna will always be enough, will always be satisfying.

Your grace will always be enough. You will always be enough.

Out there

I think it's been a really long time since I wrote a really random post like this one is going to be.

I've been shopping on my own and making my little trips round Singapore a lot these two years. Recently I was asked if this feels lonely? And I replied that I now preferred to window shop on my own.

Anyway a consequence of this was recently I have started to notice the world out there a bit more. It's not really 'out there' as you'd describe it. It's just those normal things: HdB flats under the glaring afternoon sun. The stormy skies. The streetlights against the road in the late night. Bustling traffic full of people. Blue blue morning skies. Empty school fields.

And being the quick paced person I am, I quickly pass by all these and enter the walls of the shopping malls or libraries. Indeed I do not dare permit myself to stop and just let one two hours pass by to think. Because the unknown sense of memories associated with these random environmental scenes is too big for me to take in.

I think, if I was all alone in say, east coast park and I sit in a quiet corner letting my mind run free, it would overwhelm me. The memories, not too bitter, not too sweet; will still haunt and haunt me the same, just and just because they represent days that have passed and will never come back again. That person that I was and will never be again.

Indeed I do not dare. I would inexplicably, mysteriously be so lost, that it would be hard to retrieve myself from the world that was.

Isn't it funny? Just those mundane, day to day things would invoke such ripples of nostalgia in me. Boring unnoticeable events would appeal so much to me right now. I wonder if what I am doing now would affect me or move me to think so decades down the road. The people, the things, the sights and smells.

How hard it is to go back to old familiar places without reminiscing, without wishing somehow, the good old days could be replayed. How can change be coped otherwise, if not through the numbing of these senses.

But that doesn't mean we can't hope for more beautiful things in the future :)

One-Third of May

We're one third into the month of May. And at this end of the calendar I see so much of June and the months onward already. And it's not a pretty sight.

I am trying to focus on May. But voices surrounding me keep on pointing to June and saying: look at what's coming! News after news. Adaptation to one thing followed by another. 

I am not afraid of work compounding. But I fear short tempers. I fear impatience. I fear how the impact of these things would leash out on people who would in turn leash out at others who would leash out at me. And I fear I will do or say things that I have been restraining myself from. I fear myself saying harsh words I will regret. 

Dear God. In this world where the pace is quick and unforgiving, help me to always always rely on Your grace. Help me to see people with the needs in their hearts. Help my compassion and forgiveness for others exceed that that I have for myself. Help me not forget to smile and to thank people and to thank You for all that I have. Help me not forget the good they did for me, the grace You gave for me.

Help me not to falter. Help me not to lose myself in the month of June and beyond.

Moving on

The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you grieve over Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go. I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons." - 1 Sam 16:1

I just finished chapter 15 a little earlier and it was about how Samuel told Saul that he and his household are now rejected by God due to his disobedience. Then Samuel left Saul and never saw him again. But in his heart Samuel grieved for Saul.

Somehow for various reasons, I could relate to Samuel's grieving. I don't know if it is the democracy parallel, or people and things I have placed and built hope on but have to give up and accept changes in this year. I think year 2013 hasn't been a smooth year for me. It is filled with tiny little hiccups and lots of rethinking and replanning. Lots of disappointments and setbacks. Lots of times when I don't even know what and how to pray for.

It is a lot of looking at Romans 8:28 again and again and again. Church land bid failed? Romans 8: 28. Major shifts and problems at work? Romans 8:28. Feeling unappreciated? Romans 8:28. Family issues? National issues? Personal sense of loss? Guess which verse I turn to.

It comes to a point when Romans 8:28 seems like an endless repetition, and I just wish I could flop down like Samuel and grieve and grieve over a person, an issue, or less noble things like myself. But God said a matter of factly to Samuel - 'how long more will you grieve? Move on, I have plans ahead.'

And Samuel went to appoint yet another king. How did he feel when he saw the young boy, full of the Lord's spirit of the Lord's own choosing? I believe the sight of David and the fact that David was chosen by God, and the act of anointing David did much to revive Samuel spiritually. Only by moving on, Samuel got over his grief. And so Romans 8:28 holds true. God just takes turns that we do not expect - like overturning His first anointed king for a shepherd boy who would have the lineage of the Messiah, God's own Son.

But I've never had the answer of why Saul was initially chosen only to have God 'regretting' His anointing. The humble Benjamite, who rose from the ashes into an arrogant king, later to die in such a hopeless manner. Why Saul? I guess like many other things in this world, some answers are yet to be discovered. And when we can't see His hand, we can always trust His heart.

Democracy Died...

... and I've never felt more guilty as a conspirator.

Rigged or not. I still wish I had registered to vote.

I still believe in Romans 8: 28. I still believe that what has happened, God has allowed. I still believe that God will use what is broken, what is corrupted, and what is evil for His glory.

But I still sorrowfully mourn this blatant injustice we have to face as a nation. And more so I mourn my indifference and lack of proactiveness in not securing my rights to make this change.

One Day More

Just reminded of the lyrics of this song in Les Miserables:

Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God in heaven has in store!
One more dawn,
One more day,
One day more!

Praying for a country for which I have abandoned my rights to vote this year. Honestly speaking - I regret of not being prepared earlier.

May this passion for righteous ruling across the land be transformed into a greater passion for You. May the Christians who poured out their desires in electing the governing authorities for this land, show forth greater desires for You as the ultimate source of authority in their lives.

May the government of Your own will be elected, that Your glory be shown in this land. May we learn to respect and submit to You through the authority You vested in those who rule. May we have peace in our hearts through this time of flux and unrest. May we rest assured knowing all things work for the good of those who love You.

Dear God, I am thankful that all is in Your good hands. And my dear homeland, I am sorry that I am not registered and not home to see God's plan come to fruition, to be part of that plan. My vote is not home this year. But my heart and my prayers will be.

Rational Girls

Yes, what an oxymoron right.

But I always think that the only time a girl appreciates rational advice is when she asks for it. (Or when it is subtly given loaded with outwardly/emotionally expressed sympathy and concern, probably in a way only another girl or woman can give.)

As for the self-proclaimed rational girls, they are still girls the same. They do not rationalize objectively based on cold hard facts. They do not like facts to be cold and hard. They persuade themselves to overcome emotions with other kinds of emotions that are to them, superior in value or worth than the ones they are feeling. Then they make these silent decisions with themselves when they are alone and are safe and free to be themselves.

I don't think a girl can just detach herself from something, apart from receiving another emotional replacement. Some girls do it more easily because they are able to seek out these replacements for themselves and weigh its worth, therefore make the sacrifice.

Sacrifice. I never wanted to use this word for its inappropriateness. Yet that is what the irrational part of me think it is.