The Ugly Duckling

You know what draws the masses to the story of the ugly duckling, who later became a swan? It's the fact that the duckling was initially ugly, and abused and downtrodden; and in the end, it became a swan.

The story wouldn't have been interesting if it started off as 'a swan which grew up to be a swan'. Or, a swan which knew that it was born into the midst of a bunch of ignorant ducklings, and grew up knowing that it would be a swan anyway, and was proud of itself.

It was the transformation, or more like the realization, that one day let the duckling overcome it's former inhibitions of who it thought it was, and started to behave like a swan... and forget all things that associated itself with the 'ugly duckling' it once was.

One wouldn't appreciate beauty that much, if it was something one had all along. It is through having what you once didn't have, or once lost; that makes you appreciate what you have all the more.

I was really an ugly duckling in a particular phase of life. No, I'm not talking about looks (though I might as well be doing that too). I never knew that that phase of life affected me so much, until it was brought up today, and the mention of that topic itself was strong enough to bring tears of shame into my eyes. It was overwhelming.

I just want to thank God for giving me a chance to break through this cocoon and transform into something new. Now the most important thing is that this chance and forgiveness is cherished, and I do not go back to what I was again.

Things We Forget

I've started to feed this blog sometime ago, and I feel that sometimes the little quotes in it are quite meaningful.

Images taken from thingsweforeget.blogspot.com.

I like the way it's drawn and written out too. But maybe the idea of leaving post-it's around Singapore isn't too environmentally friendly. Still, the person who finds it might need it.

There was a blood donation activity in church yesterday. I'm really scared of donating my own blood. Really. Because the needle that pokes in is so big, and I don't like the idea of losing something like a bag of blood (no matter how small that bag is). Anyway, I'm quite below the weight limit (45 kg, don't ask how heavy I am), so I can't donate even if I wanted to. But the way Wei Lun put it (in his Facebook status) really made me think: he said Jesus gave His blood for him, so he's happy to give his own away! How true is that, and how could I have forgotten?

Maybe one day, after I gain weight, I will be brave enough to share my gift of life with others. Both Jesus, and my blood! :) After all we do have the responsibility to help another soul that Christ loves to live another day, so that His love could be spread too.

Ashes for Beauty

I'll trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

This is a new song we sang in church last week. It's not one of those songs that strike me the first time I sing it though... and it's rather Hillsong-ish, wish isn't naturally my type of style. However, I saw this on Gerald's Facebook profile, and listened to it. Some parts of the song did touch my heart. :) The chorus in particular.

I'm stuck in FYP now (again), and have also been thinking through several other issues about myself. The reasons I'm stuck in FYP, my attitude in NUS - compared with what it was in Form 6 (way better back then). Several things about myself I'd like to change but am just too lazy and selfish to do so.

I've always been critical about people and things (internally). I have a list of peeves of what and how people of our age should think and do, and I'm ashamed to say, in many other things (that I didn't include under that list mainly because it's a fault of mine), I fall short too, and do so terribly. Some of my such peeves include some mindless imitation of English slangs, and taking those romantic-and-out-of-this-world (fictional) love stories as models of how guys and girls behave, kids being rebellious and self-centered, and why certain people wouldn't mature and grow up.

I hate the way I judge people, judging just because they irritate me, or because people are not like me. Judging without doing anything to help these people grow. I don't know why my thinking is so not-main-stream. I don't know why I don't like what most people like.

Someone asked me to help out as a writer in a certain online magazine. I really wanted to, up till now. But I can't see how I fit into any role in there. What they want is easy going topics catering to what people like now, to enable teens and young people to open up and share their views. If I'm going to write, I'll just throw in some big heavy topic, like 'homosexuality' and scare people straight away.

I'm not ashamed of the way I am. I'm just don't like myself when I don't allow other people to be themselves too. I don't do this all the time, but when I'm alone and think a lot, I do.

There are many 'ashes' in my life that I want to trade for 'beauty'. And I always think it's never going to happen because being me, is something so constant that it really takes a lot to turn that around. And although I always remember God is in charge of my circumstances, I often forget that He has the power to change me around too.

Isaiah 61:3~ " To console those who mourn for Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

When God wanted to give Zion beauty for ashes, they were not in a pretty state either. In fact, they had fallen back a lot. Such is the ashes, and yet, there is the promise of beauty from God. So that He may be glorified.

I'll trade ashes in for beauty, and wear forgiveness as a crown. I'll lay every burden down, at the foot of the cross.

Such is God's love and grace. I pray that He will change me, so that I can glorify Him.

That Time When Paths Diverged.

This is a rather unrelated prelude, but anyway, I'm stuck in FYP again and I feel like I'm going bonkers. And there's not so much time left to go bonkers either. :(

When I was home, I dug through my shelves for my NUS Freshmen Package to find my Freshmen Guide (a book) to NUS. It was so nostalgic. I actually still keep both my freshmen guides from UM (University Malaya) and NUS (National University of Singapore). It was funny to receive offers from both these universities at the same time, which were long time ago regarded as sister universities.

So many things have changed since I was that fresh, curious, and hopeful undergraduate-to-be. So many aspirations dulled by the not-so-charming reality. There were so many new discoveries I've found here, so many lessons learnt, and my insolence humbled.

I wanted to be an engineer, little knowing what an engineering course would really be like. So all my top choices were engineering. NUS offered me Chemical Engineering. UM offered me Biomedical Engineering. And NTU (Nanyang Technological University in Singapore), offered me Materials Science Engineering too. I picked NUS, more for the school rather than the course I was offered. I was alright with any course that didn't sound like mechanics, electronics, programming, or medicine.

In Year One, I was thrown into a unknown world with seemingly unbounded freedom (I was kind of cooped in the house all the time before this, partially a result of my own choice and self-censorship). In this freedom I experienced and learned many things. There was freedom to do activities I'm interested in, to sleep as late as I like, to study as little or as much as I liked. I lost myself in this freedom, for everything seemed so important. Keeping friends, joining hall activities, bible studies, and mugging (which was rather behind the list till exams came). I lost out in the academic competition but gained lots beside. It was a tremendously exciting experience I have always cherished.

I always wondered what it would be like if I went into UM. Everything would be easier, I would have needed a loan (the price was less than half of NUS') things would have been comfortable (albeit a slightly higher crime rate in the vicinity). It would have been so different. I could have gotten a first class degree easily, graduated respectfully, found a job with no difficulty. Being in the cream of the crop instead of consistently looking up to others and wishing I could have done better, like now.

There's this thing called 'the will of God' that many of my brothers and sisters like to use, especially during some turning point of life, like choosing a university. 'Pray that I choose a road that is God's will for me', we say. The will of God. And last week during Bible study, Justin touched on what is the will of God. The will of God is people be saved, sinners repent, and live sanctified lives, and people know the love of God, as well as be open to the knowledge of Jesus' saving grace. Such is the will of God that we were searching for. It does not pitifully limit itself to the case where some young lady with an STPM certificate in hand wonders whether the 'will of God' is to lead her to some university where a comfortable job lies ahead and eventually she establishes herself in society in some respectful manner or other. The will of God has God in the center of it, not us.

It is by God's grace I have gone so far, and gone through so many blessings besides. Many times I have drifted from Him in this foreign land, full of its temptations and pressing needs. I have learned to cherish time and give up things I want to do/have, but I can't afford (same goes for shopping sprees). It is really difficult.

One of the greatest blessing here, I feel, is our Friday Bible studies, which have really challenged my heart, and kept my priorities in check. I wish I could deal better with my priorities, even now. To be brave, and to step out, and serve; as well as think about people. But I am still timid in heart, and dare not even write about an issue that I felt so against in my blog... fearing my views unfounded; and wondering what implications it might bring. But even so, our Bible study discussions have taught me the great responsibilities of being a Christian, not to see God as trivial, and to know God as He really is. The depth of the discussions is something I will never get in my Youth Fellowship at my home church - where I still feel now, improvement is wanting in this area among the youth, though many times, they have surprised and encouraged me with their demonstrations of their strong yet simple faith. One day, I pray, I will be able to be courageous enough to step up and fully live out my life for God. As for now, I still need your prayers, and I shall work towards what I want myself to be.

My internship attachment starts on July 5th, which is two weeks away. I do take time to warm up to new things, but I pray for a blessed journey ahead, where I could be God's light in His own special way, and be a blessing to my new colleagues, as well as be a good testimony to the Lord. Yes, the harvest fields are plentiful... and though soil in some places are not as good as others, you never know where each farmer finds his own niche.

Now as my friends, and many new undergraduates to-be, just like I was, are excited about their university life, I think back about mine, as well as wonder about theirs. May they fare better in rising to challenges, knowing what things are important and which things are less. May they put God as their top priority in all they do, yielding Him all their first fruits. I have told my university stories many times enough. Now I'm awaiting for new chapters in my life to unfold, new stories to tell.

A Fun Weekend

I expected my last weekend to be rather boring without Jon around (because I usually spend the bulk of my day with him) =p, it turned out to be quite fun, thanks to food and games.

There was no Bible Study last Friday, so after dinner, I went swimming with Tirza; and later in the night, Jerome, Chompoo and Tirza and myself played Monopoly Deal in Chompoo's room, on her Minnie Mouse comforter. Chompoo is from Thailand, doing her PHD research here. She's very friendly, and appreciative of any help/company we offered her, and it was great to know a new friend during the hols, as well as catch up with old ones. That night was my n-th time teaching new players Monopoly Deal. I think if I'm out of work I'll just work in De-coders Cafe as an assistant to teach people how to play board games.

De-coders Cafe is a place where people go to play, buy and rent board games, and sometimes eat and drink too (depending on the package they are taking). This was where we went on Saturday. There were 6 of us: Tirza, Jerome, Boss, Wingmei, Jiavoon and myself. It was a hefty $8.80 for 4 hours, but it was super, duper fun, with a free flow of green tea, one of my favorite drinks! (This is the kind of holiday one spends when they are too out of funds to go overseas.) There were 6 of us, and rule-explanation took quite an amount of time, as well as taking turns, and tolerating stupid learner mistakes, hence we couldn't play too many games. But I'm happy to learn new games this time round, and play my favorite Bang!

Since I'm such a fan of board games, allow me to briefly run through what the games we played were like. Bang! is a card game that properly balances luck, strategy and psychology. At the start of the game, each person is assigned an identity. In a cowboy duel setting, the Sheriff wants to get rid of the Outlaws and Renegade, and will win if he does, but loses if he accidentally kills the Deputy in the process. The Outlaws win if they kill the sheriff. The Deputy's duty is to protect the Sheriff and help him with his mission. He wins if the Sheriff does. The Renegade wants to be the next Sheriff in place and will only win if everyone else is dead. Only the Sheriff's identity is revealed at the start of the game, and that of the others only revealed when they are dead. On top of that all characters have special powers which are on character cards drawn at random, making each round of game play distinctly different from others since there are many identity-character- and number of player combinations. I love Bang!

On top of Bang!, which was the only game I knew how to play, we played Kill Doctor Lucky which Jerome won, and Munchkin which we didn't have time to finish. Kill Doctor Lucky is an interesting game where on the board there are 20 over rooms and corridor, and players move from room to room a step at a time while drawing a new card upon entering a new numbered room. The cards are weapons to kill Doctor Lucky (ultimate goal), or they enable the player or doctor Lucky to be transported to a specific room. Since Dr. Lucky can only be killed when 'no one is watching' from adjacent rooms and corridor, this requires some planning, with regards to the fact that Dr. Lucky moves round numbered rooms in sequence, and whoever is in a room he enters gets an extra turn. Munchkin is just a normal, rather self-explanatory 'sabotage' card game where anything can happen, and players depend on luck, negotiation, and probably a small amount of strategy to reach be the first to ascend from level 1 to level 10.

After De-coders all of us went to Queensway to have a huge dinner so I spent around $6 there. I felt quite broke after that, but the day out was so fun that it was considered well spent. Just have to tighten my budget this coming week. :X That's why I'm restraining myself from going out now.

After church on Sunday, Tirza, Boss, Rachel, Andrew and myself had lunch at Wafflestown (oh dear, I don't even remember if this is exactly the name). We had ice-cream waffle! Since three of us girls shared a 2-person portion the price of the meal was still within the affordable range. That's the advantage of going out with girls who have small appetites! I shared my lunch with Wingmei the day before too, and only payed $1.75. :) At night Tirza, Jerome, Ryan and myself walked to West Coast for dinner. The only thing that spoilt our meal was a rather mentally unsound man who was shouting at the closed soya drinks stall near to us, plus giving wild laughs and scary side-way glances toward us. We tried to eat and not catch his eye whenever he was too close to us. Ryan remarked that he concentrated so much on his rojak that he didn't get to taste it. :X It was rather funny when we looked back at the situation, but at that time we were quite scared of the man, though he wouldn't really do anything to us.

Yesterday night after dinner, we had another two more round of Monopoly Deal with Zhi Jun this time, her first time playing. She won the second game due to abundance of properties haha.

Compared to the previous days, I foresee the next few to be packed with hectic attempts to research and simulations for my FYP. After all, with all the charge-ups I had, it is only appropriate that they are followed with a reasonable amount of sweat and toil afterward. :)

Wizard of Oz

Read this book today and rediscovered something I didn't really realize when I watched this movie as a kid. This lesson is always one of my favorite from the story of the Wizard of Oz.

Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Lion went to the city of Oz to seek for different things. Dorothy wanted to go home to Kansas, the Scarecrow wanted brains, Tin Woodman wanted a heart, the Lion wanted courage, for he was cowardly.

What they didn't know was they with them all they were looking for all along. Dorothy had the means to bring herself back to Kansas (don't want to give this away if you haven't read the book or seen the movie), the Scarecrow was always the one offering suggestions when they were stuck in a dangerous situation, the Tin Woodman was the most kind-hearted and teared whenever an ant or beetle was stepped upon, and the Lion always stayed behind to face any dangers although he was terrified out of his wits, and let the others escape first.

Besides the wonderful theme 'there is no place like home', this is the lesson I feel that the story brings out so well. :) It's just like Kungfu Panda's 'there's no secret recipe, you just have to believe in it'.

What we are looking for on the outside might be just inside us all the time. When we seek for intelligence, we might just need to tap into our experience. For money, look inside there for contentment. For courage, look for confidence. For love, remember that loves flows from the person inward so that those blessed outwardly may reciprocate. For any need at all, look for Jesus. :)