Post Christmas

A few days before Christmas I went home and we had caroling out reaches out of which I attended two. I noticed how much we tried to draw people to our God by mentioning what we could receive through His blessings. Which caused me to wonder: would man just draw near to God if they just knew that Jesus died on the cross for them, so that their sins are forgiven and they could be right with God?

You know we are often awestruck by the fact that we are forgiven and we come to God for peace for love and for acceptance. But many times some storm comes in or when we or our loved ones are forced through some valley, man questions the faithfulness of God, the love of God, the omnipotence of God, and some times the existence of God. Sometimes it doesn't even take a circumstance to stumble. Just the words or actions from another person could do.

How is it that the unthinkable incomparable love on the cross is so easily compromised by the lesser things on this earth? How is it that the heart of man is so fickle and faithless? How is it that a God so great so pure so powerful would put on Himself the limits of man to live among men, to die for men, to prove Himself to men, to live in men, and to suffer doubt and demands from the brings He loved and created?

God's love is clearly more than the sacrificial love of death. It is a living love renewed each day, to cast away our doubts, to prove His faithfulness, His patience, and He moulds us daily till we become more like Him every day. It did not end on the cross. That is just a new beginning.

As I quote a stanza from one of JM's favorite songs I marvel and the magnificent, endless love of God, proved not just by the love on the cross, but it is a love that is displayed and renewed each and every day.

Could we with ink the oceans fill
And were the skies of parchment made
Were every stalk in earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade

To write the love of God above
Would drain the oceans dry
Not could the scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky

How blessed are we who are loved so amazingly.

The Inn Keeper by John Piper

A poem shared to me by Jon, from the perspective of the innkeeper who that night sheltered Jesus in his manger. Written and read by John Piper.

Of course all this is fictional and is only an extension of the author's imagination from the Bible. But the truth is not far away. For after Christ's departure from his birth place, the sword of Herod followed closely, slaying many innocent lives, breaking many hearts, hearts that would never ever be whole again.

Who can explain suffering? Who can explain hopelessness? Who can explain loss of lives and souls, the torment many go through on this earth? 

I would not have the audacity to say I have suffered, having gone through so little in life. I wouldn't even go to lengths to define what 'suffering' means. What is considered for one to have suffered? A loss of a loved one? A loss of a limb? A cancer tumor? Giving birth to a handicapped child? Childlessness? Loneliness? Natural disaster victims? A kid bullied in school?

Who can truly and boldly say 'I have suffered?!' Those who can can only back their claim through comparison with many others in this life. And when people suffer they scream for answers. God, explain this. God, explain Yourself. If You exist, and You are good, and You are all powerful, why do You allow suffering? 

But do you know Jesus went through the worst suffering for your sake? He died on the cross to take away our sins. And before you start to argue and suggest a billion or a trillion other torturous devices that are more painful and worthy to be deemed 'suffering' than death on the cross; the Bible said that Jesus' pain did not merely come from His wounded hands and feet, but from total separation from God - for the first time. As Jesus bore our sins on that cross, He suffered the painful separation from God, that separation in which makes hell hell. Hell is hell not just because of brimstone and fire but because it means eternal separation from God. He went through that suffering for our sake. 

Do you also know that whatever is not tested is not shown fully to be true? How can one say that 'I have love', when there is no one to be loved by him? How can one say 'I am honest in my dealings' when he was never forced to make a dishonest one? How can one say, 'I have faith', unless he persevered although he has cause to doubt?

I would not say that the purpose of suffering is to make faith real, to make love real, to make God real in the times when He doesn't seem real - although it does all this. I am not all-knowing enough to explain convincingly why suffering exists. Suffering to me turns people to God, making them lose all until they clearly see that He is their only possession that can be eternal, and to those who love and believe Him, they will never lose Him despite their circumstance. Suffering grows character, grows faith, grows humility, and grows love.

If you are stuck in a situation whereby you start to question God today, to doubt His love and mercy; remember that you need no further proof of that than in the Savior who was willingly born to live and die for your sins. He loved you with an unconditional love, and in this way the glory of the God the Father is shown - in His identity of being love itself. And did not the Bible say 'the just shall live by faith'? It is through faith that we see through the clouds of suffering we are in now, faith that allows us to place our trust in the person and the love of God, not the situation we are in.

Remember, if you can't see His hand, trust His heart. He is faithful. Time has proven that. Love on the cross has proven that.

Be blessed this Christmas season.

Melting pot

I think communication says a lot about the community we are in.

It is said that Singapore is a melting pot of cultures. I think that especially true in my work environment whereby we need to communicate a lot with the production team and our own teams as we hand over or take over our work.

If a Chinese uses English with a Malay (when the former feels more comfortable speaking in Chinese and the latter feels more comfortable speaking in Malay instead of English), it is a state of compromise whereby both seek a common understanding using a common language.

When a Chinese uses Malay with a Malay (Singaporeans do pick up many Malay terms here and there, especially army boys), or when a Malay uses bits of Chinese to communicate with a Chinese - it shows the mentality that 'I am trying to be involved in your culture to get closer to you'.

But I think the best part is when a Chinese uses Chinese words with a Malay, or when a Malay uses Malay words with a Chinese. This to me means that 'I understand that you are constantly trying to reach out to me through my culture, and hence I reciprocate'.

In this way I think the melting pot culture is a great thing - it brings Singaporeans together as Singaporeans! :) And it melts away the boundaries of language and culture to build genuine friendship that does not segregate.

On a side note I was really happy yesterday cz everyone I talked to over the phone when checking production status were so nice, and that rarely happens. :) It is these small things that make my day, including that small friendly exchange of 'thank you', and 'good night', when my mainland China bus driver sends me home after midnight.

There are many things that make your day, but when it's people who make your day, it really warms your heart.

Wedding Week

I don't have much experiences in attending weddings up till this week where I needed to attend up to 3 weddings.

The first's was my colleague Nichole a few days back, and the second is JM's, one of our campus leaders back in the days when I was still a uni student. JM 'graduated' from campus group a few years back and I haven't seen much of him since. The last is on next Tuesday before my night shift and subsequent home going trip.

I think brides always look awesomely beautiful on weddings and they master high heel walking with incredible grace and ease. And now it seems like polaroid camera usage at reception tables is becoming a trend too haha.

Listening to JM's thank you speech on stage in church today just made me miss those campus days back then when we would meet in NUS and try to decipher what Simon wants to lead us to think about in his discussion questions. I used to feel that I share quite a bit in common on the way Simon feels and thinks about issues; but JM's sharing and reasoning just brought back to me that I actually relate to JM more! He would look at some less popular Bible passages or issues and present a very similar view point with mine. Even up till now I think very few people could relate to my thoughts intellectually and emotionally in the same way.

It's amazing how people can come with such joyous hearts and catch up with each other on a wedding. I hope we meet up more than that. And I look forward to the marriage union of two of my best friends next month too!

Loving through Giving

I think one of the greatest manifestations of love is giving. And there's always something I find very difficult to give.

I could love by giving gifts.
I could love by giving time.
I could love by giving service.
I could maybe, even love, by giving my life.

But I still find it really difficult to give myself away. So far I've only done that with Jon. He's probably one of the only few people in this world (or one of the people in the world?) who sees me the way I truly am, if such an authentic version of me really exists.

Every other side of me I show to the world always amplifies certain traits and hides others.

Gail at work has amplified sense of responsibility, cleanliness (yes, shocking not?), timidness, and innocence (not done on purpose OK).

Gail in church at home has amplified sense of responsibility, amicability, talent (yes, not my fault that people perceive this way) and spirituality.

Gail at home is left to your imagination. I really don't now how people perceive me at home in different stages except that you all think I'm really skinny and sloppily dressed, and maybe very good tempered.

Virtual Gail is probably perceived as very sentimental, and feels things more than she really does. Also much more vocal and opinionated than in real life. Sense of judgement becomes better too, though I don't know for the world why.

Real Gail is a mixture of all in moderation. Plus some other undesirable traits I do not care to elaborate (like over-reliant on boyfriend and stuff). In fact I don't know what Real Gail is like. The Real Gail that I perceive that I show to Jon is merely Gail un-filtered (or filtered with much bigger sieve pores).

You see, I have this remarkable ability of filtration when I face the outside world. Through years of stupid mistakes in talking and acting (still happens now, but frequency reduced), I run multiple scenarios through my mind before deciding the best course of action or response I give to any situation. Best words to use when counselling someone. How to react to emergency. How to react when I make mistakes, and when my mistakes get pointed out to me. How to treat different people. How to communicate with different people.

And so the Gail you see through these tiny pores that 'I' get through is pretty much the censored version. Of course I know that it is definitely not healthy to let emotions run wild in front of people around you or even on Facebook. Imagine if I face you with a thousand moans a day, or just scold you directly when I'm angry at you. Imagine if I complained about people and things without thinking if my concerns make sense in the first place or not.

It is good and useful to filter, but it is also something that I've done too well. So well that I feel vulnerable when people see a glimpse of me behind that sieve I'm using. When they hear a certain word out of place. When they say, 'I didn't know you were actually like this'.

But loving is not like that. Loving is actively opening up yourself to someone, not to comfort or encourage or appreciate even, but giving yourself by sharing with them things you really truly feel. And that's why I feel drawn to people who could actually to that. People who honestly tell me who they are angry with, why they are upset, how they feel about issues, ranging from tiny little things to life and death. As for me, I think and filter too much of what to say that I end up tongue tied till an opportunity to love passes me by.

Jon said to me that there's an ocean in me but it is restricted till just a trickle comes out at a time. I think so too. And it's so hard to keep that ocean in. But I am reduced to tongue-tied agony in the midst of people poring our their heart to me. I need more love in my heart: more, more, more to break this barrier of honest, loving communication, to break this sense of vulnerability to let people have more of me.

I need wisdom to speak the right words.
I need courage to speak up.
But most of all, I need to have love to give myself.

For even Jesus gave of Himself to the people whom he met in His time on earth. Oh God of love, please empower me to love. Please empower me to give of myself.

I lost touch

Haven't been writing reports for ages (in fact haven't been writing anything much except filling up forms and data sheets), and it took me so long to finish my yearly performance report! Told my team that it would take me 30 min but I took almost triple of that despite having recorded what I did throughout the year.

I remember last time I used to say that NUS has made me a professional report generator because that was what I did all year long: do reports for every single project I'm involved in and edit those of other people. But now 3 pages of a performance outline can send me to a four hour sleep in between and I had to struggle to finish it up after that.

I seriously need to write more.

还遥远

面对最大的考验
不是在面对难关时是否应付自如
而是以怎样的态度应付
我虽然闯关了
可是没有献上最美好的自己
这两天我知道我离开终点站的距离还远
却要为这让我谦卑下来的醒悟感恩。

It is not a question of speed,
But the words I say,
The thoughts I think,
The way I do things,
That moment when my priorities and values change.

我不能让环境把我拿走。
I will not be conformed.

Relapse

I remember almost one year ago I had my first recordable mistake in the lab. I was very upset over it and everyone comforted me over it.

A few days ago I did it again. The circumstance different, the root cause different but the mistake the same. I felt really ashamed as my colleagues were concerned over my feelings and even my supervisor did not reprimand me.

I am no longer a kid who should be protected from the consequences of the mistakes she makes, regardless of the circumstance. I am fully capable if bearing the concrete and emotional responsibilities of my errors.

I am thankful over everyone's concern towards my feelings. Although I am not as depressed over this as last time, I will take this seriously, and be reminded to always be focused, to always take no chances irregardless if how many things I am doing at once.

There is still so much more I need to improve on.

Tired

These two nights have been hectic. One toilet trip per night for me at the start of the shift. The rest of the time without toilet trips nor water. And it it That Time of the Month.

It's not the first time but I think this is unnecessary. So much administration waste could have been cut down.

But I'm thankful to belong to a team that trusts and helps one another. And I think I am getting more and more well trained to be an adept multi tasker now in things that were once foreign to me.

On a side note: I finally gave up trying to remember buying evening primrose oil after going home and brought it here instead, Singapore priced or whatever. It's helping me with pimple control now and can see the diff after just one or two days. Hopefully I can be pimple free by end of the year. Shift work requires good hormonal regulation.

留下来的人

如果说
真正在乎的人
是别人抢不走的
而那人走了
是因为不在乎
我认为这样的思想可以很狭隘很危险
因为它把一个维持感情的责任
单单牵系在一个人的在乎
而往往这样认为的人
总是期待自己是被在乎的那位
然而别人的心你又能掌控多少
能改变掌握的
最多最终也只是自己
因此爱不是被动的等待在乎
而是主动的付出在乎
因为敢在付出时受伤的人
才配得拥有。

First iPhone blog post

This is my first time blogging on a bus with my phone! I never thought I could get used to typing long posts or emails with a touch pad, but apparently with auto correct its not so bad after all.

Some things I want to share now is the lessons God put me through last week and this. Last week was  went through with a general feeling of unease. Small petty things. Until I finally shared withy colleague that I felt that I wasn't growing in my job anymore. Felt it especially last week when there was little testing to be shared among all of us, and every one else had non routine or task force related stuff to do except me. Besides making sure that my designated area was clean and all that, I felt that I had no extra responsibilities at all.

I was upset because of my stagnant growth in knowledge and competency. In fact as I do not foresee any changes in this state at least short term wise, I actually seriously contemplated a job change once my promised two years in this lab are up. But when I was mulling this over God reminded me that it is not a change in job that I needed. I went up to the third floor, met some people from Quality, and then, momentarily detached from the lab I was in, I was back to my IA days. The sights and the smells reminded me again of that girl earnest to learn and who was aggressive in pursuing new knowledge and relationships despite the odds of having not so many platforms to do so.

And then God put these words in my mind: it's not competency, but character that matters more. Yes I am in this job not so much to grow myself than to serve my colleagues and the end users of our drugs. To finish a work in the hearts of some people I grew to know more and more of, and whom I grew to care for. To learn how to learn things without being spoon fed, to love knowledge, but even more, to love people. To respect my superiors, to pray but not to complain even though it is what everyone does.

Pastor shared about his little experiment growing taugeh. He apparently used this once to symbolize dying to live and suddenly my Facebook page was flooded with pics of growing taugeh in the homes of church members. Then the week after he tried to grow taugeh in differently colored water. The taugehs ended up a bit stunted in growth but they did not have pink yellow blue or red stems, albeit a bit smudged with colors on the surface.

This symbolizes that we could be in the world but not of it. Yet how many of us bravely venture in but are assimilated into being part of the world. The way we think, the words we say, the trends we follow, the mindset we adopt, our definitions of success, of self, of love. Hence it is so important to guard our minds with the precious truth of God. Not to escape the world we are supposed to go into to share Christ. But to be guarded against its powers, the powers of an incredibly strong foe that is subtle and cunning.

I needed this encouragement. And I need to press on for my testimony is still not complete. But I believe and hold on to the promise that I can do all things in He who gives me strength. Thank Him for not only saving but sustaining me. Because the cross is not the end of a finished work, it is s precursor of a new life. Praise unto Him forever and ever.

Dying to Self: The Fierce Fruit of Self Control

I just shared the fruit of self-control with the youth in my home town last week. The research for this topic has greatly moved me, and coincidentally, pastor Jason shared about dying to self on Sunday service (when I was not around).

Some main points of my sharing to the youth:

1. We have the power to overcome sin. 

"I can't do it" is not an excuse. For in Christ, we are dead to sin, no longer slaves of sin having no choice but to obey it's whims - instead we are slaves of Christ (Romans 6, 7). Having a new identity - a new obligation to righteousness. Sin has lost it's power over us - and when temptation comes, we have the ability in Christ to walk away.

2. Why self-control? Why purity in life?

Romans 3: 23 says, "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." This verse we repeat over and over again when sharing the gospel, but fail to note that the consequence of sin mentioned here is a great one. A failure to glorify God. For man and all creation have been created to glorify God (Isaiah 43: 6 - 7). And falling short of God's glory is now the main problem sin brings. (The 'separation from God' etc. are consequences that follow), but sin means that we fail to live a life centered on the glory of God - God's glory is at stake. 

When we know we live not for ourselves, our dreams, our hopes, our desires: but solely to bring glory to God through our lives - how could we look lightly upon our sins that compromise the very purpose of our creation - to glorify God?

3. Is self-control easy?

No. The answer is definitely 'no'. From the lamentations of Paul in his fight against sin (Rom 7: 24-25), to the groaning of the universe, akin to birth pangs waiting to be redeemed from a world of sin (Rom 8: 18 - 22), the fight against sin is tough because it goes against the desires of our flesh which is so close to us. God promised us victory but not easy victory. 

Just as the Israelites had to wipe out town to town to enter the promised land of Canaan, so must we be equally ruthless when dealing with sins related to the members of our body. Jesus said, "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out..." (Matt 5: 29). The battle for self control is fierce, and one has to be constantly vigilant. And indeed, Jesus said the kingdom of heaven is suffered by violence (Matt 11: 12). There is no short cut, just like an athlete cannot say half-way in a race - let me take a break! But at the end of it all, we could proclaim like Paul in 2 Tim 4: 7, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." These are not light words! The race lasts a lifetime  - but the rewards are eternal.

4. Forgiveness if we fall

For we do fall. But remember that you are battling cancelled, forgiven, sin, if you are already saved in Christ! Jesus said in 1 John 1: 9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all.

5. Self Control is NOT "Just Saying No"

For control through mere willpower does not glorify God, but glorifies self instead. Instead of saying "No" to sin, say "Yes" to God. When you fill your mind with desires for God and His word, when your heart and mind is filled with desire for God, it will far outweigh the multitude of desires this world can offer.

C.S. Lewis once quoted that the problem with men's desire is not that it is too strong, but on the contrary, too shallow and weak. He said, "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward, and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

When God becomes your prize, your treasure; when your heart is infinitely satisfied with Him - it makes it easier to die to self, and because you die to self, you live, to Him and for Him.

Yes, I am currently undertaking myself this journey in making God my greatest desire, in dying to self every day. It is indeed difficult. I do well in some situations, I lapse momentarily and regret - why have I been sarcastic, unhelpful, why have I not shared the gospel, why was I dissatisfied, why did I gossip and speak ill of another behind their backs, why was I impatient, why was I unappreciative, why was I not diligent and lightening the burdens of others. 

It is painful to die to self, to stifle the sinful desires and wants of the flesh. But when reflecting on the staggering love and mercy for God - for sins pardoned, for love and strength promised, for hope eternal. It is joy in suffering, and in a way, that is what it means to share in His suffering as well, and carry His cross. To live so that God gets the glory. To be satisfied with Him as my deepest desire, and worthy is He for that.

Someone asked an Abbot: What if you were to realize that at the end of your life, there is no God?" And the Abbot replied, "Holiness, silence and sacrifice are beautiful in themselves, even without promise of reward. I still will have used my life well." But Paul said in 1 Cor 15: 19, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied."

For in this life - we live and die for Christ; and nothing else, and therefore if Christ was not true, nothing at all would be our gain, and everything our loss. Such is Paul's devotion for Christ, and so is ours, because we know Christ to be true. And we are motivated by the faithfulness and the love of God, who first cleansed us from our sins, and gave us His righteousness, that we may live a life that glorifies Him. And He gave us the best thing He could have given - Himself, and His love, for our deepest joy and satisfaction.

May our continual journey in dying to self be glorifying to the Lord. May we boldly embrace and bear the fierce fruit of self-control. 

Put Down That Shield

Yesterday I was just thinking a bit on how I've changed as a result of this one-year plus of working life. 

Being in the lab day in and day out with the same people does to an extent make you one of them in some ways or other. We all talk like one another (except me, who can't speak in Hokkien), like roughly the same things, have more or less the same ideas and like/dislike the same groups of people.

I have changed in good ways - learning how to work quickly, think for other people, to share good things and good news, not to be so stressed etc. But I have also found myself becoming more emotionally defensive - always looking out for myself, and always viewing people in a critical light (as if I was initially not critical enough).

Last time I used to give people a lot of benefit for doubt. Now I find myself being upset first before even thinking through issues properly. Sometimes after evaluating I found it clear that I'm not in the wrong. But what happened to that part of me that sees good in people no matter how horrible they are? What happened to that part of me that is not quick to judge?

I guess after so many years I've finally learned to be afraid of being vulnerable, of being knifed in the back, of being unappreciated, of being taken for granted, of being maligned. Does these emotional guards I've set up make me more street-wise? I find analyzing motives of others daily very tiring. I find trying not to step on people's toes very tiring. I find self monitoring very tiring.

I've decided to retain a bit of individualism and just be myself again. To make myself vulnerable to negativism if it means being able to see good things in every single person again. To be forgiving and forgetting, because I need forgiveness from people daily too. To not be afraid of being isolated, to not give in to popular opinions, to not dislike unpopular people even if they are mean and selfish and all that. To learn to be willing to be disliked for choosing not to dislike (get that?). 

Why? I've always been feeling a bit chameleon-like because I am generally able to slowly blend into different environments. But I've been created to stand out, not to blend in. Not to stand out so that people can see me, but to stand out so that people can see God, who He is, and He is what I stand for. Who am I to condemn someone whose sins Christ had died for? Who am I to be blunt about my feelings without love, so that people put their shields up around me and as a result do not get to see the Christ I want to share? Who am I to give eye for eye and tooth for tooth, when Christ teaches us to offer the other cheek when one side is smote?

I have to learn to take down all these man-made emotional defenses, and make myself vulnerable, if only through this, Christ can be seen. And then again, I am never vulnerable. So who do I fear? May I fear God more than men. May I learn to depend on Him instead of my own wisdom, my own rationalism and defenses. For He is my strength and my shield.

Uplifted

Transcribing devotionals can be very uplifting. Reminders of some things that you know, but you need to hear again.

Quote from Pr. Mike:

If we say to God we're coming to confess the same sin, God says, "What sin?" Reminds me of the verse from Hebrews 8: 12, that says, "For I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more."

Something I needed this week. To remember that God does not judge me based on a a performance curve. If I've loved enough, if I've done enough, prayed enough, served enough. Yes it is sign of Christians growth to love, pray, and serve. But it is not a merit which we have to stand before God one day and be judged for. 

Pr. Mike gave an illustration of this man and his daughter crossing a prairie in which they saw a fire from the distance and quickly realized that the flames were coming their way, and there was only one way to escape. The man burned a huge patch of grass around him and told his daughter to stand with him inside that burned patch. The girl was afraid when the flames approached, but the man said to his daughter, "The flames cannot get to us because we are standing where the fire has already burned."

The wrath of God has already been passed over, and to those who are standing in the safe patch behind the blood of Jesus Christ, there is no more condemnation, only righteousness, and loving discipline. What encouragement! What grace!

Overpowered

People like people who like them and who are like them. Debatable but mostly true.

Can I not take sides? Can I just sit on the fence forever? Must I really take a side so as to really belong? And that belonging is only confined to one side? But if I'm on the fence I'll never really belong to neither side? 

It's just this: I believe people are all different, and I don't like to judge people for being different. I don't like to have clear cut lines of love and war. I am able to accept you being different from me. Does that mean I have to accept you not liking me because I can accept more people and types of behavior than you could?

I don't know which is worse. Being in a cold and emotionless environment, or being in one rampant with too many strong emotions. Emotions that could be good (towards me) but too strong. Maybe I'm not sensitive enough to feel, or decisive enough to choose. Maybe I like living life with large forgiving margins of tolerance, thus not being able to love something all the way, or dislike something all the way. 

I know this is kind of wishy washy, but at the same time I also know, this is part of me, and this is what I'm like. Unfortunately, I also know this is not what most people are like.

Will I never ever be able to belong because I am being who I am? And am I brave enough to keep on being who I am despite this all? 

Just felt so tired with battling all these waves of emotions after coming back. For someone who sits on the fence this much, I do want to feel myself as part of a bigger group. Not just politely being accepted in, but truly taken in as one of their own. But I guess it's difficult, and in the same way it's not good to force me not to be me, it's hard to force others to accept me as me too.

It seems so ironic, so contradictory for one who is so conflict-averse, to repeatedly create ripples of under-the-surface conflicts because of my conflict-averse personality.

Still I know God put me here for a purpose. And sometimes though I just feel like giving up and moving out of this circle, so that I can happily stay neutral and not be bothered by all these emotions, the reminder of this purpose makes me have the courage to hold on. The reminder to love different people all the way, because they are loved by God the way I am, and they are imperfect the way I am too. And though I may not see how I can fit in and what God's purpose is for putting an awkward shape like me here: I believe all things work for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.

So here I am, to learn to fret no more, and to love more.

Reap What You Sow?

After observing people across the years, I still find something that is kind of true: People expect to reap (good) behaviors they sow. Sometimes too much until they become disappointed.

Especially people who pour out their lives and time for other people. Somehow people (especially girls) with big capacities to care for people like these (of which I am not), get disappointed when they are taken for granted, or when no one else bothers to do the same for them.

Likewise, those who behave responsibly and rationally expect others to do the same. Those who don't take things too seriously expect others to be relaxed too. Those who work very hard to produce results expect others to do the same. All get disappointed when they see the gap between expectations and realities.

I used to be like that too. Getting disappointed sometimes when I'm the only one enthusiastic about something. When I'm the only donkey pulling the sleigh on and on and on. But I guess growing through the years I've lived past being like that. Now it's so much easier to take a step back and remind myself: people's actions and expectations toward me are different because they are different from me. Makes it easier to predict what others expect from me too.

Don't have to be so concerned when people are not being nice to me the way I am nice. But be observant to the way they are trying to be nice according to who they are, and be surprised by the things you find out when you do.

I don't know why I'm crapping all these but they are just some things from my mind.

There's this handwriting analysis workshop/ campagin in Jurong Point. Supposed to help you improve your writing, analyze your personality through your handwriting and such. They are launching this to improve penmanship because people are writing less and less nowadays. It's a pity because I love to write. On the other hand I also love to type. But handwriting is so much more distinctive and expressive than typing.

From what I got through glancing at the big boards up there, I'm the low-profile, rational, self controlled (what a myth!), steady, no-frills type. Everything seems to fit except self controlled haha. Also my handwriting tends to morph a bit like those of other people around me. I suppose that either means that I am easily influenced by the environment and the people in it. It's either a good or bad thing. The up side means I'm adapt to new situations quickly and make myself at home. The downside means I have no definite, distinctive personality that makes me stand out in a crowd (some of my alphabets can be inconsistent from one line of writing to the next). Still, I don't mind because I don't like standing out anyway. 

4 Ghim Moh Road With Internet

I've moved into 4 Ghim Moh road for more than 2 weeks now. And we've finally got home internet today (haven't been blogging because of that). Before that I've only been getting snippets of the internet from Jon's phone's data plan and during free hours at work.

There's a lot of nice food outlets around here with a cluster of small sundry shops and Shop and Save which opens 24 hours. I like the fact that now we're nearer to the hawker center and small shops. Last time when I was staying in Kovan I had to walk a fair distance to those because we were staying in the area of the rich who had their own cars and such. But now I'm right in the center of HDB clusters. So it's very community friendly.

However, the living space is so much smaller. When we first moved in with the 14 ft truck packed full with all our belongings (excluding Yvonne's stuff), we weren't even sure if the house would fit everything. But eventually, thankfully, it did. A lot of spacial arrangements had to be done and I had to buy a plastic set of drawers to stack up my things cz there wasn't even space under the queen-sized bed Alicia and I shared. It was over-priced, in my opinion, but it held a considerable amount of things so I think the investment was still worth it. The moving and arranging felt something like the Singapore government stacking up more and more HDB and creating more housing areas for Singapore's growing population. It's difficult but has to be managed, somehow.

Anyway we're quite settled down. I'm saving a lot of travelling time too, and a bit on travelling expenses. Now my next thoughts are on my phone and which data plan I should take up.

My current plan (with no data plan) with M1 is expiring two days later, and I'm supposed to return my phone to M1 unless I plan to re-contract and take a new phone. However, iPhone5 is coming over to Singapore soon and it seems not worth it to contract for a 4S which will have a price fall once the newer version comes up. Also I'm planning to switch from M1 to either Singtel or Starhub due to its weak coverage at my work place. I can't even receive normal SMSs properly. I think Singtel has a better coverage, but sadly they are only offering 2 GB of data now instead of 12. Starhub is still giving out 12 for roughly the same price, but I'm not sure if they've got decent coverage.

So I'll be phoneless until iphone 5 comes out. Justin is loaning me his NS phone. Feel rather said giving back my Xperia Mini which everyone says is super small and quaint, because it has gotten rather personal. They are probably going to scrap and recycle it or something. :( Still it hasn't been working well, and it's about time for a change. Phones used to be very personal things but in Singapore when I change my phone each time I have a new contract (2 years), I've learned to accept things that come and go.

Doesn't that sound something like people you meet here and there in life. Sigh.

Happy National Day Singapore

Will take a short break from blogging about Philippines and blog about Singapore instead, as tomorrow is Singapore's National Day and I'll be too tired to blog.

It's my 5th year in Singapore now and I'm very thankful to be moving around circles of Singaporean people and friends who do not have (or do not openly have) hostile feelings towards foreigners. Unfortunately this feeling of unease/ repulsion/ discontentment towards foreigners coming to earn Singapore dollars (thus taking up resources for job openings, health care, public transport and housing etc.), and later retiring in their home countries is very real. And I can't exactly say I blame them for that either.

Anyway, I studied, worked, and lived here as a Singapore permanent resident (PR) thanks to the opening in this system. In which the Minister Mentor, Mr LKY himself said that Singapore is in need of the talent and economical contribution of its immigrants, because Singapore cannot afford to progress at a slower rate due to it's naturally vulnerable conditions.

I would not compare Singapore and Malaysia and say which is better. Because 'better-ness' depends on many factors, and what is 'better' from my point of view may not be that so for others. But I would say this: As a foreigner working and living in Singapore - I am thankful for what is being offered to me here. Convenient public transport (breakdowns or not, I believe this is something to be appreciated), reasonably efficient public service, public security, a stable job, a place to stay, and acceptance as who I am.

With all political and non-political grouses and small complaints aside, I believe every Singaporean should be proud what Singapore is today and how far she has come. No system is perfect, and all man-made systems are always interjected with a fair amount of injustice, selfishness, and lack of appreciation, some more than others. Singapore's laws and policies are no exception. But there are still many things in this country to be thankful for - especially for people who love and appreciate the country, who are working hard for it, who pull together for it.

You can say I'm looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, or through the glasses of a foreigner who has but to gain from the current system. You may be, and are probably right, But as I've been working in my job for the past year: I have been consciously telling myself this - I work for the glory God, for the organization I am in, for the end users of the drugs my organization produces, and last but not least, for the economy and progress of Singapore - a country which I owe a fair amount to.

Happy National Day Singapore!

[The Negros Chapter]: He Can, and He Will

This is the second part of a series of posts about my evangelistic-campaign trip to Negros, Philippines (link to first post here). The campaign is actually 6 weeks long, but I only went there for one week. Was really a blessing to be able to serve together with the Campus Ministry this year, as well as many others from different churches around the world. We would travel to different high schools (secondary schools in Malaysian terms) in Philippines and share the gospel with them; either class-to-class or through a mass evangelism in a school assembly. I joined the campaign in Week 3, and we went to Negros (both Occidental and Oriental).

I remember a Year 4 class that I had finished (ages 15 - 16). It was a rowdy class, the students were distracted, but some of them made an effort to listen. I had varied responses. Some students professed to believe in Jesus "today". Others were sure they believed, but not sure if they were going to heaven. But the ones that really broke my heart was those saying that they did not think Jesus would want to save them, 'because my sins were too many'. 

During our practices before e-campaign, before we call for decisions, we would ask three questions to see if the students understood the gospel presentation. The first: Do you believe Jesus can save you? The second: Do you believe Jesus wants to save you? The last: Do you want Jesus to save you?

Everybody will answer "Yes!" to all three questions without a moment's hesitation, but then again, they may not really understand. In Singapore and Malaysia, perhaps the hardest is to get people to answer "Yes" to the last question. In the Philippines, they heartily answer yes to the last, but are not sure of the first two.

The next class I entered in another school was a Year 2 or Year 3 I think. I finished the first half of my gospel of what Jesus did for us on the cross. Then I looked at the students and asked them: "Guys, are you afraid? Are you afraid that God doesn't want to save you because you have sinned too many times? Or are you afraid that God is not able to save you because you have sinned too many times?" Fervent nods and echoing 'yes-es' were returned to me. Some were listening attentively for the first time.

I could identify with this. I could identify with this because that was me when I was 7 or 8. At the stage where I was voluntarily or involuntarily a 'naughty girl'. Who was always lazy and selfish, and somehow managed to create trouble here and there, somehow or other. During the nights before I sleep - I would pray to God telling Him that I believe in Jesus - and could He save me? But deep down in my heart I wondered if He wanted to. I wondered if He would save someone like me - someone whom I myself didn't really like. 

But back then I didn't know - it wasn't about who I am. It is about who He is.

To the students, I quoted the all-famous John 3: 16, "For God so loved the world, that He sent His only Son", and  Romans 8: 38 - 39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I also quoted that Jesus died and rose again on the third day, thus conquering sin, death, and hell - making Him not only willing to save, but able to save.

Many believers place 100% of their trust on Christ, but are not assured of their own salvation. I believe God wants us to have that assurance of salvation. For it is said in Romans 8: 30: "And those He predestined, He also called, those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified." God saves and sanctifies and glorifies to the end. 

I remember Chris (a guy from my church in my team) likes to tell people that 'Gail's sharing makes people cry in every class she goes in, including the teachers'. He then said that he only 'managed to do that' in a few of his classes, but at least he was glad that there were people who shed tears.

I was so happy to see those tears too. But after the second day, when Chris said the same thing again, I replied him with a pang in my heart: "We can't be sure that every student who was moved to tears is saved." Chris asked, "But why are they crying?"

I answered: "They were crying because they were convicted of their sin. But we can't tell if they could really understand how is it to be saved."

Indeed with the vast cultural and linguistic gap between ourselves and the high school kids - I could only pray to God to grant true understanding, for the truth to set people free. For the truth to be understood from the head - and in the heart. The joy on the faces of the students when they receive assurance and understanding is really a beautiful picture to behold. I pray that such joy abounds as the love of Jesus is known, and above all, Christ be magnified. 

[The Negros Chapter]: Only One Way

This is the first part of a series of posts about my evangelistic-campaign trip to Negros, Philippines. The campaign is actually 6 weeks long, but I only went there for one week. Was really a blessing to be able to serve together with the Campus Ministry this year, as well as many others from different churches around the world. We would travel to different high schools (secondary schools in Malaysian terms) in Philippines and share the gospel with them; either class-to-class or through a mass evangelism in a school assembly. I joined the campaign in Week 3, and we went to Negros (both Occidental and Oriental).

Practically every Filipino in Negros (and all over the country) knows who Jesus is, and are Christians of some denomination. So why bother to go evangelizing in the Philippines, you may ask. But when I threw the students a very direct question: "Are you ready to meet God when you die?" Some of them couldn't answer me. They were not sure. And some of them answered "Yes!" But in the end, not all of them were sure too.

I remember Simon told us in our first school a conversation he had with a teacher he met outside a classroom. She believed that salvation was based on works, and Simon shared that it was not through Titus 3: 5: Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit."

He then asked the teacher after sharing the gospel: "If you died yesterday, where will you be going?"

The teacher said, "Heaven."

Simon: But yesterday, what were you depending on to save you?

Teacher: Works.

Simon: Then if you died yesterday, will you be on your way to heaven?

Teacher: No.

The teacher then understood that it is not works that save, but Jesus alone.

There are many students in many schools who could recite John 14: 6 to me off their heads. John 14: 6 records Jesus saying "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no one goes to the Father except through Me." But not all of them knew that this meant Jesus is not just 'a way', He is 'the way'. There are not many roads to heaven as there are to Rome. There is just one.

When I read the response slips, many believe they are saved by going to church. Some believe they are saved through baptism (they even remember and write the date down). By doing good things. By praying. By virtue of birth in a Christian home.

But all these are works. And though righteous works may be fruits of salvation, they are certainly not the means to salvation. The prophet Isaiah laments in Isaiah 64: 6a:"But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousness's are like filthy rags..."

What we do cannot save us. It is not what we have done, or need to do. If there is any other way to save us, then Jesus needn't have died. But there is none. Therefore Christ must die - to make the payment for sin, the sacrifice for sin needed to appease a righteous and holy God.

I illustrated this in class by using an example of taking a bus to school (others prefer using ferrys etc.). I asked the class if I just looked at a bus without getting up it, though knowing it will take me to school, will I get there? They said "No." Therefore, it is not enough to know who Jesus Christ is - or to even know He is the Savior of the world. He may be the Savior of the world, but the question for you is - is He your Savior?

My second example was about me trying to board a bus to school, with one leg up the bus and the other leg trying to walk my way there at the same time. (It was not easy for me to do this ok, I'm usually very prim and proper with crowds.) They laughed at my weird jumping, and I asked them will I reach school this way? They answered again, "No."

Then I asked the class: "Do you know many of you are doing this? Is it tiring? Yes! But will it take you to school? No." Many waste a lifetime in trying to do good works to justify themselves, while trying to depend on Jesus too. But split faith, is not faith. I can't believe the earth is round and at the same time believe that it is flat. True dependent faith, is putting all your eggs in a basket, and this is the saving faith that will lead you to salvation.

Romans 10: 9 says: " If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." It is believing that saves. And to go to school through taking the bus, I need to get on the bus, and sit down, having faith that the driver will send me there. It is not what I do myself - I don't drive the bus. But it is the dependence on the driver that makes me put the whole of my self into the vehicle and sit down.

Not by works - not even by church going, prayer, or baptism. The Bible said it is through a heart of belief only. And as I have asked the students - do you know Jesus with your heart, or just in your head? What were you depending on to save you yesterday? Jesus is the only way to reach God. Only Jesus saves.

Quarter of a Century

I'm still working on my Philippines blog. Maybe I'll blog in stages instead of the whole thing at once, so it won't be too much of a read. All I can say for now is that the trip of awesome and we had to depend on God all the way to meet many needs. The weather, our safety, timing, and of course open hearts of the students who were listening to the gospel we shared. More on that in subsequent posts.

This post is my birthday entry. Just turned quarter a century old last week, and am really thankful for the people who celebrated with me in this little island away from home. Am thankful for the numerous messages, calls, and Facebook wall posts too. :) I had three cakes of exotic flavours this year! The first is a mango yoghurt cake made by Jon in the wee hours of the morning. The second was a green-tea red bean cake slice bought by my colleagues at work. And the last was with Campus ministry at church, a nutty banana cake.

I think what made me happiest in this birthday celebration was actually the fact that we managed to put this picture together.

This is a picture of some peeps in our Campus ministry, taken on Sunday. Not everyone is here - Simon is still in the Philippines, Boss and WM not around, and some guys I used to be with years back have left campus (like Kailing and Alvin), others have 'graduated' into Young Adults. But do you know how hard it is to have this number of people taking a picture and celebrating an event together nowadays? Almost all of us are working and we seldom meet together like this - although we sporadically meet a few out of the group here and there. It's so rare that everyone happened to be around for lunch (and there's even Irene, Gerald and Chris who were with us that day but not in this picture).

Stacey told me she was happy that there was such a big lunch outing and I was too. Especially since it was partially for my birthday, and I usually don't get to have such a long lunch outing on Sundays. I would either be knocked out after night shift, or leaving a bit earlier to work on afternoon shifts. But it so happened that last Sunday I shifted down into night shift to support my colleagues in the next team which lacked manpower. Hence I was able to sleep properly and have a nice long lunch with everybody else.

I think this made me happiest as it brought back a taste of what campus used to be like in my year one. Just that during that time I was not that close to most people (we only meet once a week after all), and my affections were more towards my hall mates. But as years grow by I found myself getting more attached to the people in Campus, and it was such a joy to serve together and grow closer to each other in the Philippines. Technically most of us have graduated, but we haven't officially 'left' Campus group yet.

Most of us have changed so much even across these few years, and I really thank the Lord for Simon's ministry in Campus. Students pre-occupied with studies in a competitive country are really hard ground for the seeds of change - but through love and patience and being a wonderful example, Simon has impacted our lives in many ways, and helped us to grow. There is no short cut to nurturing spiritual growth in others - and I have really Simon and Campus Seniors to thank for keeping me in the faith across my uni years and working life. I wouldn't have 'lost faith' in God in a sense, but to keep growing, and loving God, and loving God's Word, and finding opportunities to serve is not easy when there are other things that always seem 'more important'. Simon is a busy man in his profession and has set such a wonderful example to us to seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness. Thank God for him.

Thank God for Campus Ministry, the way we've grown and our love for each other. The above picture still stirs surges of emotions in my heart, because Campus has left a mark that will always be a part of me, although it was so gradual that it was hardly felt across the years. We've been through a lot together, and I hope we still get many many pictures of Campus-ers together in the future.

Being Built Upon A Rock

I am writing this piece to be posted elsewhere so I thought I should put it on my own blog too.

Matthew 7: 24 - 25 says,
" Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.

Here are some of my personal thoughts with regards to the verses above:

1. Obedience as an expression of wisdom

Matthew 7 (also cf Luke 6: 46 - 49) likens a man who is obedient to one who is wise. Proverbs 1: 7 says: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instructions. Proverbs 9: 10 also says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

A man who is wise does everything with a God-fearing heart. Not fear in the sense that 'if I make a wrong move, God will strike me dead'; but fearing God with a sense of awe, with a full knowledge of His sovereignty and authority. A wise man invests in the right place, putting in time and effort to build his house upon the rock.

Are you investing time to go deep into God's word, and take the effort to obey His commands? It will not be easy, it will take time; and sometimes it will be messy. But when the days of tribulation come, this will keep you standing. Only through the obedience of God's Word that you will experience His faithfulness, His power and His grace, that will enable you to be obedient. Only by experiencing Himself through His word and through your obedience, will you be able to firmly ground yourself against trials and tribulations. You will not be shaken because you know the God you have experienced. You will then be able to say with certainty: The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold (Psalm 18: 2).

A wise man knows that he has to build his house on a strong foundation; and he knows that God Himself is his rock!

2. Obedience as an expression of love

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments (John 14: 5)."

Do you know what truly enables obedience? Love. Fear does make a person submit. But how does a person willingly obey if there is no love? It is easy to obey instructions out of fear. But how does one love one's enemies from one's heart unless motivated by another form of love - love for God who loved us when we were once His own enemies (Colossians 1: 21)? How does one be joyful at all times unless one knows he is kept in God's love and God's will?

John 1: 53 says, "This is love for God: to obey His commands. And His commands are not burdensome."

Are God's commands a weight in your heart, chains on your hands and feet? Are they a set of do's and don'ts fixed on standards so high you cannot reach? Are you turning away from Christ because your cross is just too heavy to bear - and His words judge you and damn you because you fall short, and you are unable to obey?

Unless we are like Mary, worshiping Jesus at His feet, we will never find joy in obedience. If we obey and serve with Martha's hands, but without Mary's heart; we will never find joy in obedience. We will burn out without love for the Lord. But obedience founded with love is a joy, is a relief. It does not find God's commandments burdensome, because it has instead become a channel by which overflowing love could be expressed.


Dear friend, may you be wise in obeying the Lord, and find God showing Himself faithful to you; for God honors obedience. Do so that you may stand firm in times of tribulation, due to your constant experiencing of God and His grace. But do so even more as an expression of the love on your heart, that you may find joy in obedience, that your obedience itself is a form of worship better than sacrifice that the Lord finds pleasing.

God is Sovereign

There are plenty of people who think that the God is harsh, big-headed, mean and dominating. Not to mention a killjoy. Probably because God judges sin, demands obedience, and demands worship. 

That's the danger of a man-centered gospel, I feel. When man thinks that he is the center of God's universe, and that God should so love him to send His own son to save him, the image of a benevolent, doting God is conjured. But when they realize that they are to take up their crosses to follow Jesus, God instantly becomes the big bully on the play ground, wanting to have everything 'His way', toying us puny beings around His little finger. 

People like to press 'human rights' upon God because they often forget - God is not human. God is God. The creator, the maker of human beings. God is sovereign. 

It's just like a potter who makes a vessel using clay. Is it therefore right for the clay to complain to the potter? The Bible says: "You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'You did not make me?' Can the pot say to the potter 'You know nothing'? (Isa 29: 16). Can the pot claim to want equal treatments with its maker? And who is man to demand 'respect', demand 'rights', or even demand love from God? 

Man has no right for such demand. Should God decide to damn the world He made to judgment in hell for their disobedience (just like potter could destroy hardened clay), who is to say it is not fair? If a judge sentences a murderer to death, or demands a fine from one who speeds on the road - can anyone say that the judge is not fair? And should not the Judge of all the earth do what is right (Gen 18: 25)? The Bible says that the wages of sin is death (Rom 6: 23). Should we not deserve the wages towards a work we have worked a lifetime towards? Is that not fair? Yet God is hated for being fair.

We say it's not fair because our sins are just little things! Not murdering or kidnapping, or nasty things like that. A little white lie here. A little envy there. A little cowardice not to do the right thing. But in the same manner, murderers do not always think they have done wrong! Nor do people who drive past the speed limit. Nor to husbands who abuse their wives. If everything is based on the perception of the crime instigator, law and order is doomed. Who decides what is right and what is wrong? The law. And who wrote the God's law? God did. Who judges? God.

Should not a King deserve to demand loyalty from his subjects? A country from her citizens? A master from his servants? How about God from His created beings? Is God wrong to demand the worship He deserves? Does that mean God is arrogant? Or is it human beings, the created pots who are arrogant towards the potter, thinking that they are on par with Him? Thinking they know better, they deserve better? 

The Bible says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, so that whomsoever believes shall not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3: 16). Judgement is deserved, but grace is not. Grace is given because of love. Commandments are given so that we can have life. And Jesus died for us while we were yet sinners, while we were still enemies of God (Romans 5: 10). What a love! What a cost! What an undeserving exchange. For through Jesus, not only our sins are cleansed by His blood (1 John 1: 7), but we are credited His own righteousness (Romans 4: 22-25). We are saved not by the good works we've done on earth, for the Bible says they are but filthy rags (Isa 64: 6). We are saved because Jesus gave us His righteousness.

Should not such a God demand worship? Should not such a God demand love and obedience? Should you not trust in the heart of the God who loved you so?

Gatherings

The past two weeks have really been a volley of awesome-max get-togethers.

Wai Pheng and Wan Meng visited us last Saturday. It was my night shift so Jon woke me up just in time to get ready for dinner in the evening, and he cooked a storm. So we had nice dinner with oyster, sashimi, vege and pasta. Then Wai Pheng who was supposed to bring some 'snacks' over got us 10 bowls of 'Lao Ban' bean curd (the kind which had a jelly-like texture, my favorite), lots of chicken wing and otah, some kuih, and drinks! Even with Boss' help, and Geri and JonC coming over, we couldn't finish all the food. But it was a fun gathering. My only regret was after the heavy dinner, I was so sleepy that I retired to the bedroom to sleep for an hour plus in order to make sure I stay awake for night shift. Boss and Wai Pheng walked with me to the MRT later to work.

Then last Thursday, Jon, Jerome, Wen Qiao and myself went to Subway for dinner! It was a housemates outing. Yew Hong couldn't make it due to his ending work late, but thankfully we had another gathering with full housemate attendance for soba dinner the week before. Jon and I shared a foot long egg-mayo subway which reminded me of the good old days in NUS, when there are student discounts during exam week, and after a satisfying meal it's time to mug. I just can't describe the feeling of having no mugging to 'look forward' to prior to finishing my subway! We took lots of group pics too. 

Then today! We went USS as a farewell outing with Simon. There was an issue with the tickets which delayed us from entering for almost an hour but I just want to say that Justin and Stacey has been so responsible and gracious and everything throughout the whole ordeal that I almost burst into tears on the spot. Anyway, the rides were fun (although as usual, I had to chicken out on the terrifying roller coasters), and although the queue times were relatively long, USS has been very thoughtful in designing their queue areas, making the queue itself part the ride experience too. 

My favorite ride (and everyone's favorite I suppose), was the 4D simulation Transformers ride. Everyone should try it (provided you are not pregnant, don't have high blood pressure, motion sickness etc). It was very well executed, the story line was exciting and the experience very realistic. One thing different from the Genting Resort world was also USS has divided its park into very clear-cut themes (Genting has themes too but not as much) such as Hollywood, Egypt, Madagascar, Far Far Away and Science-Fi. The decorations and settings were very intentionally designed, and attention paid to very small artistic details. The staff were mostly very young (late teens, early twenties)  but capable of handling work (level of English articulation has much room for improvement though). There are also multiple shows and parades. You can just spend the whole day there being on the go, if you have the stamina. 

Overall I would recommend USS as a place to go in Singapore for first timers! It's a bit pricey especially on weekends like this, the queue is long, but the experience and the effort put in by the producers who invested in this place makes things worth it. Everywhere I see effort and creativity, and these are the things that I appreciate a lot. Also, go with good company so as to make things extra fun! :)

Next Stop: Ghim Moh

Will be moving to 4 Ghim Moh Road at the end of August.

I'm super relieved that this house hunting thingy is over without too much financial impact. Rental expenses is definitely going to hike as compared to now (think extra $150 - $200 per month!), but seriously, it's already much better than what I had expected. And living space is going to be half of our current place too, so you can imagine what a good bargain we've been getting out of 30 J Kovan. 

But at least, we skipped agent fees, I got myself a nice roomie (Alicia), our new place is free from traffic noise, has fresh air, near bus stops, near good food, and near Shop & Save. Most of all, I cut down around an hour's travelling time a day (plus another 30 bucks a month) travelling to work. I look forward to that. Poor Jerome has increased travelling time though. 

I will miss 30 J Kovan though. It's been awesome staying here. The neighbours are OK, and the environment is nice. The house is big. And there's Wen Qiao and Yew Hong, which I will miss, has housemates and as a roomie. I will miss WQ's scolding Jerome and Jon too haha. And all of us saying and doing stupid things together.

And I will miss Kovan Hub which is where I take a coach home. Now if I want to go home I'll need to take a 30 min trip to Bugis or Woodlands to the train checkpoint which is even further away. Will miss Nex which I always shop. Will miss the red chairs and orange sofa, and the big orange curtain, which make such cheerful furniture. 

Hmmm. There are pros and cons with the move. But it has to be done anyway. Thank God for this new place which is also near Andrew and Rachel. 

I can take one more

This is what I'm constantly thinking about in lab when it's very busy. I always look at what everyone has to do and ask myself: Can I take one more thing into my hands? Many months ago, I answered this question with a huge buffer in mind. I would take that one extra thing and have this much time to spare, just in case anything crops up. 

But now it's the opposite. I take this extra thing up and find that I can't cope with it after all.

**rant starts**

Today it felt just like that. Just when I have managed my emotions from work, I'm back home with another piece of news: Our landlord's daughter apparently had some mis-communication with him and wants to move in next month. We have to move out in August. Meanwhile we'll all cram together, seven in the house for July. 

Which means that the dreadful house-hunting process is going to begin all over again. Seriously, after job hunting I was beginning to feel that house hunting is the next terrible thing ever. The feeling of waiting for something you want but is always out of reach. Despite many agents bugging me on my phone during work hours and my weird sleep hours and all (which is superlatively irritating), none of them seem to come up with an affordable deal. 

And then we thought we could stay until near end of the year, and I was so relieved to send messages to those agents letting them know that the house-hunt has been halted. End of phone calls during inconvenient hours. Temporal end to hours of net-surfing and cold calls. And visiting properties. And now instead of having one month to do it, I only have half the time, especially since Jon and myself are flying to Philippines next month.

And then. Work. I've always prided myself for being emotionally sturdy but I couldn't get over today, until I had the end of the day to settle down. One wrong septum put into a vial cap by me out of almost a hundred had set off an unexpected chain of reactions and resulted in a lab investigation. I don't think my supervisor put me as directly responsible for it although I confessed later but I still feel bad for not focusing. It was very busy and I actually forgot that I had to focus even on small little things like this.

Also the feeling of not being liked, or being thought responsible for something I was not. I thought I was strong enough to handle things like this. But it turns out that I'm not. I can easily harden myself, but it will also make me hardened towards other people. Is it better to remain vulnerable and sensitive, and risk getting hurt like this? I can't dislike people, I can't, and I won't. But I keep small little things in my heart that is not healthy. That I cannot help.

I actually straightened this out on the bus on the way back, but then it came back with the move-out news. Which I kind of took in a daze just like the way I do when lab work comes crashing down in a mountain-load. You just feel like, come what may, come what might, I don't care any more. I don't care how my rental is going to hike, how far I'm going to travel to work the next time we move. I just want it done and over, and pay my bills every month.

And yet I feel very selfish because now everyone is being very kind and helpful and recommending nice agents and stuff. And Jon and Jerome are already working on problem-solving, and I know this is super stressful for them too. Poor Alicia has to move twice also. And oh, the big bad problem of MOVING our things looms in the not-so-far horizon. 

**rant over**

So the problem(s) are stated as above, vaguely or otherwise. The solution is easy, the same one I always think when I see status messages on Facebook, short versions of my rants above everyday. Why are you a Christian and you are still complaining? Why don't you start having faith and depending on God? Why do you know that God is for you and no one can be against you, yet you moan and groan? Why do you look out for strength from outside, when all you need is in the inside?

Yes that's me. Knowing solutions but having problems with application. 

You know, after thinking through, the solution is actually obvious. It's not whether I can take one more load or not. It's whether I can put down one more. And another. And all. And trust.

I was so upset today. And I was telling myself: that I am different, I shouldn't be reacting the same way as other people with the same problem. Because I have God. That's why I can afford to be vulnerable. That's why I can be honest. That's why I can take things up, not complain when things go wrong, always be joyful, always be thankful.

Simon always says knowledge goes from the head to the heart. Thank God for that for even now at this moment when i remember the promises from His Word which never fails, I feel that returning. The thankfulness. The joyfulness. The dependence that when I have nowhere to go, up is always the place to look. That He is able although I am weak. And nothing goes without His permission, and all things work for the good of those who love Him.

And right now, this moment. I am just putting all those aside and thanking Him for being Him. For unlike my momentary fleeting feeling of being 'all alone' earlier, I realize that I am not. He is always there for me, and for those who love Him. And even now He is with me through all these kind people who are trying to make the move a little easier, and through the little things I can do for people to make their day and mine a little better. 

The problems still exist. But because I know who my God is, they are merely opportunities to make me grow. Thank you God for loving me.

Rebuilding Castles

Have you done something which required a lot of effort (or in Singapore terms: 'sai kang'), rushed through it the whole day, and just when you think you can stop and everything is going to be submitted you realize you have to start it over from scratch again?

It is my first validation run, and today was a good day with just the correct number of days for me to do everything myself, and this happened. First time staying back for overtime at work, and having to re-do all I did today tomorrow or some other day. It just felt tiring and disheartening.

But when I looked at my colleagues who stayed back and realized how tired they were, too, I just didn't have the heart to show that I'm upset or disappointed. I do show that I'm stressed a lot, but this is different. And it was hard keeping it inside, but it had to be done. 

Anyway, I've gone through this before. Countless times. During almost all my project works in NUS. Especially during my Design Project. All these 'surprises' never failed to pop up and I'm amazed that no matter how stressed they caused me to be, God always pulled through. Even when I didn't have enough faith to know that I'll pull through, God was still faithful. 

And now I still hold on to Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I may not have the right skills, knowledge, or what some people call 'luck', but I have the assurance that all things work out for good. And I need to approach this with the right attitude, though it's awfully difficult. Basically all I want to do now is break down and bug someone and rant (poor Jon). 

But to believe that all this is for good, means not ranting, right? But be thankful because it's going to be good.

Compressed

These few weeks at work has been really challenging. The workload has just increased, and it feels like the moment I step into the lab, I work non-stop until the 8 hours is over. Even eating is done at top speed. And I think we'll continue to work this way for a long time. 

I seriously don't mind being fully occupied from start to end of my shift. I don't even mind forgoing my toilet breaks for work. But it's stressful because besides having to do things fast, I have to do them accurately. And people like me who always like to plan my time with a comfortable buffer have to plan it exactly right now, with almost no allowances for surprises such as instrument column getting choked, faulty pumps, need to refill used solvents etc. It's very tiring.

Sometimes I just start a run without checking more than once and just hope anxiously that there's nothing wrong.

I must say this is good for me in a way. If I don't gain that much intellectual knowledge (my learning is plateauing now), I might as well gain other skills such as working quickly and accurately, as well as being able to multi-task. To meet the needs for other people as well as my own. 

It is difficult because it is under stress that I make myself emotionally vulnerable. My self control breaks down and sometimes I do and think things that make me ashamed of myself. Ranging from harmless effects like yammering nonsense, to the 'mind my own business first before thinking of helping others' mentality. 

I also find that I emit a lot of negative energy when I'm stress. Jon knows this too well, but usually I keep all this confined at home (poor him). Now it goes out to my colleagues too. I don't verbally complain a lot, but my face shows that I'm stressed. And when you see your lab mates with long faces and hear them sighing, it's really rather depressing. As the state in my lab is most of the time depressing enough, I try my best not to add to the negative energy. But it's so difficult because it all surfaces so easily.

Just been feeling really disappointed with myself the last few days before my off-rest. I am someone easily affected by negative energy. That's why I'm not really the best candidate if you want to talk to someone whom you can off-load your problems too. If you do it too many times I tend to be affected by your emotions too, and generally start to feel impatient. Not that I like to be like that, in fact that's part of me that I don't really like. The part that thinks of 'me' first, how I'm affected by your moods, instead of being empathetic towards why you are feeling that way, unless your problem really connects with my emotions in the first place. Yes it's difficult to confide to someone like that, and it's harder to know you're like that but you can't change.

It's hard to keep in focus and remember - the extra work I'm putting in, the extra hours crammed into one, is to keep the cost of drugs low so that someone may afford them better. At least I hope it leads to that.

And on my last shift cycle I was going home feeling that I've done a bad job and have become an emotional burden. Then I remembered this Bible verse from Psalms.

"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the lifter up of my head."

Those three words meant so much to me. Shield. Glory. And 'lifter up of my head'. 

Shield me against temptation to sin in thought and sin in action. My glory is the most glorious God of heaven, my source of joy in every occasion, my source of holiness, for indeed God is holy therefore He is glorious. Lifter of my head for there is no reason to be downcast when He is with me.

And I felt so much better. Now at work I'll think of my shield, my glory, and the lifter up of my head. It takes that burden away, and makes things so much purposeful. 

The Good News

Had a bad bout of coughing fit the whole of the previous week. Was so tired from coughing that on Wednesday and Thursday (my morning shifts), I had more than 12 hours of sleep each day, and that wasn't enough. Still haven't recovered from it yet. My coughs last long. Tried three different type of medicines, and the traditional Chinese kind. All to no avail. Just succeeded in reducing phlegm and inflammation, but still couldn't prevent me from turning into a human machine gun. 

Anyway, as I told Jon (who is also coughing), this is a good chance for us to practice our gospel sharing while having a cough. We'll be flying to Philippines in mid-July to do classroom sharing of the gospel. And it would do good to practice doing so while having a cough, because who knows what we might get over there. We are still having practice sessions fortnightly and every time I go through the gospel in my mind, it is still as sweet as ever. The message that saved me.

The gospel is not about what Christians do and do not do. Not about going to church. Not about 'believing' in principles and stories. Not about doing the right thing over the wrong because God is watching and so on. Not so much even about going to heaven and hell. 

The gospel means 'good news'. But instead of giving you a set of ready-to-go directions on how to reach heaven, the gospel is really about God. God. God. And it's amazing that just by portraying Himself as who He is, the gospel has the power of salvation unto those who believe.

God is holy. And by holy we don't just mean 'sacredness', or 'aloofness from the world' or I don't know what else people associate holy with. God being holy simply means God is perfect. And perfect not in beautiful sense (which He is), but in terms of righteousness. God is good, God has no sin, God has perfect righteousness. If the standard for holiness/perfection is 100%, God is the 100%. If the standard is 1000%, God is is that 1000%. God is the standard for perfection. Not only He has no sin, but He hates sin. The Bible says God is of purer eyes than to behold sin (Hab 1:13). And God's standard for us is that we be perfect too, for He says, "Be you therefore, perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48).

But the Bible has also said, "All men has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23).  There is no one righteous, no not one (Rom 3:10). And not only God is holy, but God is just. God is the creator of the world, and He is also a judge. And according to the Bible, the wages of sin is death (Rom 6:23). Wages indicates something one deserves because he has worked toward it. And death in the Bible refers to hell, or else referred to as 'the lake of fire', or the 'second death'.

What is sin? Murder, stealing, lying, taking drugs? Have you hated someone so much that you wish he'd die? The Bible says by doing so you have committed murder in your heart. Have your eyes lusted after someone's wife? The Bible says by doing so you have committed adultery. Such are God's high standards for perfection that no man is able to attain, for we are sinners by birth, and sinners by choice. And just like a person only has to kill once to be a murderer, to lie once to be a liar; a man has but to sin once to be a sinner deserving the wages of death. Heaven or hell isn't a state of mind. Nor is it a perceptive reality (it's as real as you think it is). It is not whether you think you are going to heaven or to hell that matters. It is the real state that matters, the absolute truth. Simon always quoted that truth is arrogant. In a way, it is, because everything 'else' has to make way for truth.

God could have just been holy and just and condemn the world to hell. Rightfully and justly so. But God is also love (1 John 4:8). The Bible does not just say God is loving - but it says God is love itself. And in John 3: 16 it says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live a sinless human life on earth, so that He would become the perfect sacrifice/ atonement for our sins. To satisfy the justice and appease the anger of a holy God.

You see. It couldn't be anything less than God's only Son. To demand for a sacrifice less perfect and less worthy would demeans God's holiness and justice. It was the only way. And Jesus took all our sins on His shoulders on the cross, and said there, "It is finished." There on the cross were our sins: past, present, future. And on the cross God the judge dealt with His beloved Son bearing the sins of the world, our sins - thus Jesus' cry: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?". 

But that was not the end. Three days after His death and burial, Jesus was resurrected from the dead, conquering sin, death, and hell. Thus we see the greatness of the power of salvation - the same power that rose Jesus from the dead, can free us from sin, death and hell; and instead gives us the righteousness of Christ. For then we are righteous before God, not because of our goodness, lest any man boast, but because of Christ's own righteousness we wear when we put on Christ.

And John 3:16 says 'whomsoever believes in Him shall not perish but have ever lasting life'. And in Romans 10:9 it says, "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you will be saved." Believing is not just mere head knowledge. Supposing you believe that chair A is able to hold your weight. Yet when sitting down you pull chair B alongside chair A and let both chairs support your weight instead, just in case one collapses. This doesn't show your belief in chair A. To say you believe in chair A, you rest your whole body, your whole weight on the chair. To believe in Jesus Christ, you surrender to Him your whole life. For Jesus himself said, "I am the way, the truth, the life. No one can go to the Father except through me." (John 14:6)

If you believe in Jesus yet rely on fate, works, activities, people, other faiths, whatever other means to find reconciliation with God and to earn salvation, you do not believe. Believing is putting your hand on the plough and not looking back. Surrendering your life and your soul to Jesus, because you believe, you know, only He is able to save you from your sins.

Salvation is a gift from a gracious and loving God. And a gift, however highly priced cannot be earned, but is received undeservedly. And unless one receives a gift, the gift cannot be called his own. And so - God has given the gift of salvation to 'all who believe'. Everyone in the world. No matter how hopeless a sinner, how evil a man, what he has done in the past. If you repent and believe that Jesus can save you of your sins, you can receive this gift of salvation from God. It is not your call or prayer that saves you, but it is God who does.

Do you believe God can save you from your sins?

Do you believe God wants to save you from your sins?

Do you want God to save you?

The Bible says "Those who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved." He is just a call away. He has already seen you and loved you undeservedly and prepared salvation for you. Will you call out to Him?