Making Mistakes

I know people make mistakes, and accidents happen.

But if by saying the above sentence means the probability of mistakes/accidents happening = 0.5 or any statistical fraction, why does the probability of me making mistakes/accidents = 1?

That's why whenever I hear stories about 'who did what' in the lab, instead of thinking stuff like 'oh so he/she did that wrongly, shall take note and not repeat it", I always have this extra nagging feeling that "that thing could have been done by me too".

Sigh. Sometimes I think (or maybe I know) I'm a clumsy walking catastrophe.

Fortunately the thing that happened today wasn't that big. Well it was kind of serious but it could have been worse. Much worse. And I'm thankful it hasn't come to that. (Yet.)

However it makes me feel like every time I advance three steps in work, I retreat at least two when I do things like this. Plus all the undeserved patience and guidance and concern I received. It makes me feel both very touched and very guilty.

But if this is the way God wants me to learn humility: I'll say let the accidents happen and the mistakes be committed. If that's the only way for me to learn how to be careful and alert all the time, and think ahead and think on my feet; I'll say better now than later when things become bigger and consequences become more serious.

I can't help being clumsy, it's in me and it's part of me. But I can rely on God to overcome. Dear God, help me learn how to learn. Help me willingly learn how to learn Your way - even though it might not be the one I want to go through. Help me be thankful for these opportunities to learn.

Not Nine

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. How many fruits of the Spirit are there?

Just found out that in Greek, the word for fruit is 'karpos', and it is singular. There's only one fruit of the Spirit, and that one contains all nine graces.

I just found this out a few days ago, and the knowledge has particularly encouraged me. Particularly because I've been struggling with some of these graces. And wondering why after so many many years of being a Christian, I am still not there? Still not half there?

But as pastor has shared in the past few weeks, sometimes Christians burden themselves with a list of do's and don'ts. However, grace is not about those, but what has already been done. It is not my own righteousness I'm depending on, for I have none at all. It's Christ's. And the fruit of the Spirit, they are not mine but the Spirit's to bear. And because now I am free from sin's bondage, I have the liberty to show forth this fruit. And by being able to show forth this 'one' fruit, I can also show forth all nine graces in the fruit.

Sanctification is still an on-going process. But it's feels so much lighter to know, to reckon, it's not me it's dependent upon. It is Him who is doing the work. There's so much hope in knowing so for I know that through myself I can do nothing, but because it's God who's working, it can be done, it will be done.

Otherwise, it just feels so heavy. Still carrying burdens on my shoulder when God is already carrying me through. I've grown up believing in and relying on works. Because I know works are in a sense, manifestations of grace. But sometimes too much focus on works, to 'produce results' makes me undermine the power of grace to produce such 'results' and beyond.

It has been so tiring. But thank God everyday I can come to Him and lay down my burdens. And start with a new source of strength, not my own, but His.

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Work has been going on well so far. I am still learning many new things, and am improving in my hands-on lab practices.

What is worrying me is my desire to look for a purpose in work is quenched somewhat. The routine tasks, the increasing comfort of settling down, does obscure that part of myself one whole year ago, to look for something special in what I'm doing.

Where is that special purpose? I do not need to suddenly pop out and wave itself in front of me all at once. But I just need to remind myself always, that it is there. And it's not enough to work to earn $$. Or even just to work so that I can learn more things. Or meet more people. I'm still waiting.

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Am also thinking of starting some project of my own (with all the non-working hours I have), but have been too lazy. To write something, to compose, or to help out in forums like I did last time. Or maybe improve my Chinese/ English.

Hmm.

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Changed my blogger theme because the feeling of it being 'not me' is getting stronger. This current one doesn't look very nice yet, I know. But it will do for the meantime when I look for another theme that suits myself more.

Reading News

Yesterday I just discovered that The Star Online has news in Malay too.

It's been a long time since I've read proper articles in Malay. And I was rather shocked by the fact that some words already seem foreign to me. Words that I could spout automatically when essay writing during Form 5 days (my Malay deteriorated rapidly when I was in Form 6, both spoken and written). Very common words like 'gejala', 'menonjolkan', 'masyarakat majmuk'.

I think I should start reading (and maybe writing) material in this language again. I don't want what I've learned for years to dwindle until what is left behind is a mere ability to chatter in coffee shops. I've started out in this language from scratch, became comfortable in it, and mastered it eventually. I don't think I want to let this go to waste.

It's the same for my Chinese. Ever since there's no Chinese software in my laptop, I haven't been writing in Chinese much.

Personally I think Malaysians are very fortunate to be exposed to so many different languages from young. If I was not force fed these three languages all the way since Primary school I think there would be a very high chance of me giving one or two of them up half way (most likely Bahasa Melayu as it felt most foreign to me). But learning all these has exposed me to the different ways people think and feel through the way they express themselves verbally and in the written form. A same piece of article expressed in all three different languages appeal differently to my sentiments. And most importantly, because I could feel these different sentiments, I could somehow identify myself better as a Malaysian, instead of being just me.

To me, English is beautiful in a classical way. It has a long history, but somehow it feels modern to me when I read views from people. It is far stretching and diverse, and identifies with both my logic and emotions. The Chinese language however, feels closely tied to its roots. Each word carries a certain weight. Somehow Chinese always feels weighty to me. A very short sentence, when disassembled word by word, can bring out very wholesome meanings. And somehow this is coupled with a broad sense of grandeur. And finally the Malay language. It feels romantic, in a Malay sort of way. It always appeals to emotions and sentiments. This may be weird but when I read fictional stories in Malay, at the recess of my mind there is always a very visual layer of color to it. Some dusky color, like yellow or pink in the sunset. If English stories have a color to me, then it's white. For Chinese stories, they are colorless.

As much as I appreciate different languages, I don't think I have the will to learn a new one today (except maybe Thai, since I watch lakorns a lot and have already picked up stray words and greetings here and there). I think there's enough to do just trying to keep these three languages I've learned as a part of myself.

A First Neighborly Conversation

OK I admit it. It's not the Singaporean HDB culture or anything that has caused me to be so aloof from my neighbours. I think it's just me.

I've been staying in Kovan for two months plus plus now and sadly with the exception of day one or two when the uncle staying downstairs has come up to complain of the noise we made in the middle of the night dragging furniture on the floorboards; I haven't really talked to any of my neighbours properly.

Jon has been doing quite well though. He's been stalked by a young girl upstairs, made friends with her dog and her dad, and also known the uncle who stays downstairs.

I haven't been making any progress except saying 'hi' and 'bye' to the same girl upstairs, and all these random mutual acknowledgements (or anyway you put it) are initiated by her. She's really friendly but I do get a bit at loss of what to say with people for the first few times unless they initiate the conversation. Even though she's a very outgoing (and very very cute) five year old kid. She's definitely one of those kids that Dawn would be head over heals in love over.

Anyway today when she came down the stairs to say hello to me when I came back from work, I managed to find our her name, her age, and how old her sister is. (So far all I know about her + family is her dog's name.) Maybe I should start knowing her family members better too. I have definitely lost out to this 5 year old kid in terms of neighborliness. In fact the maid I see washing the car each morning when I leave for work has taken the initiative to say hello to me too. :S

Sigh. I really am very anti-social.

I want a piano

I want a piano here. My imaginary one is perfect in all ways except there's no sense of touch. :(

Btw I like this version's rendition of JJ Lim's song. Btw the girl is 15 years old.

I want to play it! And I want to play lots of other stuff too.

Of Stoning

I don't know why I just feel like writing about this.

I have a very active brain, particularly when my mouth is closed. When I'm talking or absorbed in doing work, my brain activity is less defined. But when I'm keeping quiet or just thinking/observing (excluding the times I listen to music), I talk to myself in my head loud and clear.

Everything is going fine at work now, but I think I converse to myself too much in the lab, to an extent I find it queer. Because I still find it hard to join into group conversations even with my team mates which I feel closer to now than before. And now I even imagine that my head-conversations are loud enough to be heard by someone. I haven't identified who this someone is but I seem to be having this weird idea that someone can hear those thoughts.

Anyway, of course Whoever It Is does not exist and I am simply thinking too much. (And am being a bit too anti-social, but that can't be helped. Believe it or not, I'm already trying my best to be sociable already, with very slight improvements.)

I also 'stone' a lot when I'm taking car rides or bus rides home. The long uninterrupted kind (e.g. sitting at the back of JonC's car home from BS, or taking afternoon shift bus home) especially. Music helps this form of stoning. Then I think about people, and events that have passed, and things I've done and said. I feel old when I recall hostel days in RH and midnight walks, and think 'those were the days'. I like the color of the black night sky contrasted against the road lights, and the white lights of the buildings, and the trees in the dark. It feels nostalgic but for what reason I don't know.

Anyway just received a bit of encouragement today with regards to my kinetic weakness from a colleague. He said he strongly believed anyone could do anything if they tried hard enough. I know this too. But it was a good reminder of what I told myself when I took up this post. I knew it would be a lot of hands-on work which does not exactly go very well with a clumsy person like me. But I promised God and myself that I will try my best; and even though I can't promise a perfect job each time, I can promise a job that I have already done everything I could do in.

Wai Pheng and her brother Wan Meng will be leaving us this weekend. :( I will miss Wai Pheng a lot! Somehow she always makes me feel special, and is very special to me too. Feel blessed knowing her, and all the nice people around me too.

Monday Morning Blues

I just realized how much worse morning shifts are compared to night shifts. I made the great big mistake of not getting my daily morning caffeine dose before going to work because I thought I already had enough sleep (which was true). I was super blur the whole day. Thankfully I didn't have any work assigned or training for the whole day. Just answer knowledge assessment questions posed by my supervisor to get my training modules cleared.

I wish my brain has a larger memory card because there are so many nitty gritty points-of-caution I need to remember! So far the only way I'm remembering things extra quickly and effectively is through making mistakes and getting horrified by them. This is not fun at all :(

Anyways today we are having some mini-mooncake festival celebration with the free mooncakes Jon got. Too bad this is going to be a hazy mid-Autumn. It spoilt our sight-seeing attempt at Marina Square yesterday too. The two Jons' and me wanted to walk down to look at the Merlion but even ice-cream can't put right the negative effect of the hazy air.

End of First Shift Cycle

I just finished my night shift and this is the end of my first shift cycle at work! :) I'm lucky to have an off-weekend my first round of shift. I need to recharge!

Night shifts didn't turn out to be nightmares after all. One of my favorite time during the shift was around 6 a.m. in the morning where the melody of Singapore's National Anthem will be played (to remind the working class their role as Singaporeans). It reminds me of late night studies with Jon in McD when we heard the National Anthem too. And it gives me a nice feeling of how many Singaporeans I know love and care about their country. It's also feels inspiring and uplifting (they changed it from G to F major in 2001 for that effect, apparently).

My favorite arrangement/rendition of Singapore's national anthem is here around time 0:36 (this clip was part of Singapore's 2011 National Day Celebration). It's not at awesome as say, Les Miserables, but I can feel it's sincerity. Somehow I like the little boy's voice a lot. :) And I must say that Singapore does have a nice national anthem! Pity not everyone knows what it means exactly because it's in Malay.

If We Hold On Together

This is a song I must say is most beautifully written and composed.

I had to embed this video because I couldn't find a better version that can be shared :(. It is originally from The Land Before Time, but I like it sung by Diana Ross more... I can really feel the song when she sings, if you know what I mean. It is so, so, so full of hope! Every sentence, every line brims with warm, beautiful hope. And a very apt song for our RH Orientation every year.

Don't lose your way

With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

Chorus:

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

*Chorus

Bridge:

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

*Chorus

I didn't really notice this song when I watched Land Before Time. So all my memories with regards to this are connected to RH, and to NUS as a whole. It makes me miss hall now I'm listening to it. The first time when it was played, we saw all our seniors with lighted candles behind us. It made me feel so hopeful with regards to my university life. (Yes, I'm spamming the word 'hope' now.) It reminds me: Don't give up what you're here for. Although every day can be very mundane, although the big picture can become smaller, don't lose your way.

It reminds me, most of all, of all the love, care, and hospitality given to me by my hall seniors, and my Malaysian MSL seniors in helping me settle down. I don't think I've really given back to hall and school this way, but this is something that deep down in my heart, I'll always appreciate and remember. And this has always given me a very good perception towards Singapore: That no matter where you are at, there are people who are there who would help you out, without asking for things in return. I don't say I take them for granted, but I appreciate the help when they are there.

The first week I've arrived, my luggage was carried, my room checked in for me, was taken out and around. Was guided through hall systems, was involved in block suppers, was asked about what I was good at and how I could fit into the hall system. Was shown love and care in so many ways that it is impossible for me to give back the same way.

Somehow this feeling is here all over again at work. I think where I work is awesome in a sense that no matter which lab I work in, be it when I was an intern, or as a new staff like now; there are people who unconditionally help me settle down, put me at ease and assure me they would be around. When I was placed in this new 4-person team, I knew nothing about my colleagues. I seldom communicated with them (except ask where things were put) before I started my shift work. I didn't get the chance to lunch with them due to my training timings. I was apprehensive with regards to working with them, because they were already familiar with each other but not with me.

But thank God they are really awesome people. Frankly speaking I think compared to them I am relatively boring (someone who only surfs the net, reads books and goes window shopping - not even watch movies!! when she's free), and I don't talk a lot about gadgets and recent news and stuff. But they've showed me in loads of ways that they care. Like when I couldn't get through my hand punch. Like checking on me tonnes of times (despite being very busy) how my solution prep was going on without me asking them for help. Telling me about each other. Helping me sort my lunch box out amidst 30 over boxes, and unpacking my utensils for me. Taking me home and insisting that the bus driver send me home first to ensure I'm home safely. Emailing the transport IC for me when the bus driver said his bus was too big to turn in to where I stay. And above all, telling me off when I thank them. :p

It is very humbling to have senior colleagues to do all these small things to me. I seriously don't deserve to work with such nice people. And it frustrates me, sometimes, to burden them and to rely on them so much. But on the other hand, it feels nice warm and fuzzy. They say I am too formal with the thank-you's but I know there are things that I can't thank them enough. Even though it has just been 5 days into shift work. And oh, how can I thank God enough for blessing me with all of them. And how can I love them enough the way He does...

I just pray that this most important lesson I've learned from my lab will stay with me forever. To love, to give unconditionally. Not just because I've been treated thus, but this is what I should always always do. It is not easy for me. But I don't think it's that easy for others too. I've been living in too many small comfort zones that I should move out of and I know I need to. I pray and hope that I will and always will.

Patience

Patience is seriously a virtue in others that I need now.

That's why I feel very thankful when my team lead just says 'never mind', 'try again', 'relax' and 'jiayou' whenever I muff up my training tests. It takes away my stress of getting things done 'right first time' (though I still try very hard to), and by doing and doing again, I actually remember to get things done properly and the sequence at which a test is performed.

I really need to have better kinetical/muscle control. That can measure small volumes, carry large objects, reach heights, weigh fluffy powders and avoid spillages. I take a long time to do stuff, and despite doing so I still make mistakes. My poor team lead had to waste so much time just these two first days of shift checking through my work and answering my questions and waiting for me to finish up things. Thankfully he had the ability to multi-task.

But still I really am liking to go to work although I feel the stress to try and constantly get things done quickly and accurately, to reduce my liability of newness and inexperience in the team, and in the laboratory. It's the people that make or break my work experience, ultimately, and although I haven't formed strong bonds with most of my colleagues, they do try to include me in things. However, I can't keep on thinking and acting like I'm new forever. I still have this mindset and I realize that I have to change that so that I can really be productive.