Yesterday I was just thinking a bit on how I've changed as a result of this one-year plus of working life.
Being in the lab day in and day out with the same people does to an extent make you one of them in some ways or other. We all talk like one another (except me, who can't speak in Hokkien), like roughly the same things, have more or less the same ideas and like/dislike the same groups of people.
I have changed in good ways - learning how to work quickly, think for other people, to share good things and good news, not to be so stressed etc. But I have also found myself becoming more emotionally defensive - always looking out for myself, and always viewing people in a critical light (as if I was initially not critical enough).
Last time I used to give people a lot of benefit for doubt. Now I find myself being upset first before even thinking through issues properly. Sometimes after evaluating I found it clear that I'm not in the wrong. But what happened to that part of me that sees good in people no matter how horrible they are? What happened to that part of me that is not quick to judge?
I guess after so many years I've finally learned to be afraid of being vulnerable, of being knifed in the back, of being unappreciated, of being taken for granted, of being maligned. Does these emotional guards I've set up make me more street-wise? I find analyzing motives of others daily very tiring. I find trying not to step on people's toes very tiring. I find self monitoring very tiring.
I've decided to retain a bit of individualism and just be myself again. To make myself vulnerable to negativism if it means being able to see good things in every single person again. To be forgiving and forgetting, because I need forgiveness from people daily too. To not be afraid of being isolated, to not give in to popular opinions, to not dislike unpopular people even if they are mean and selfish and all that. To learn to be willing to be disliked for choosing not to dislike (get that?).
Why? I've always been feeling a bit chameleon-like because I am generally able to slowly blend into different environments. But I've been created to stand out, not to blend in. Not to stand out so that people can see me, but to stand out so that people can see God, who He is, and He is what I stand for. Who am I to condemn someone whose sins Christ had died for? Who am I to be blunt about my feelings without love, so that people put their shields up around me and as a result do not get to see the Christ I want to share? Who am I to give eye for eye and tooth for tooth, when Christ teaches us to offer the other cheek when one side is smote?
I have to learn to take down all these man-made emotional defenses, and make myself vulnerable, if only through this, Christ can be seen. And then again, I am never vulnerable. So who do I fear? May I fear God more than men. May I learn to depend on Him instead of my own wisdom, my own rationalism and defenses. For He is my strength and my shield.
