Goodbye Walking Alone (Soon)

Today I went out on another of my solitary shop and walk trips (which always end up with me buying nothing but lunch and dinner). As I walked home slowly it just struck me that after I get back into a normal day job, I won't have nice empty week days to spend such time walking out there on my own any more. The weekends will just be too short and too precious to be spent doing nothing chilling but in the Jurong East Public Library. And even if I have time for that the shopping malls and the library will be full of people and it will feel very different.

I guess moving into a day job means getting more 'we time', but at the same time, it loses my 'me time' which is very precious to me. A lifestyle that I have unconsciously cultivated over these two years plus of working shift. A luxury I quietly enjoy. Hours and hours alone with the day just blank ahead. Not profitable hours to be sure, but they are enjoyable ones.

My boss has already promised to get me out of shift by 3rd quarter of the year, though goodness knows which lab they'd transfer me into. Life will be very different a few years down the road. Though there is part of me that frets this great change, another part of me firmly testifies to myself that all along these two years plus of work, God has given me such favor among my colleagues and my superiors, and has taken care of my welfare so that I had no disadvantage at all although work conditions had changed so much. I have been so secure during times of change and flux, and although I have made mistakes and did things that were wrong, He provided forgiveness and favor both from Himself and from people.

As I finally let go of this hazy 'shift-life security', the security of having free time to myself, of drawing a higher salary, of not having to work longer hours that I was supposed to, the security of benefits shift workers have; I also acquire faith to walk into the unknown. Of not knowing who and where I will serve, what the people will be like, and how my work life balance would be like. But these are the things the flesh look at. All I can do now is to commit these things in prayer with faith: God, how can I serve you better now? How can I be shaped in my new environment? How can this help me trust You that You will provide for me and I will not be in want? How can I be a better steward of my finances and of my time?

As for now, let's just have a few more library trips while they last. :)

Angles

Jon has flown off to China to help out in a Christian youth camp over there. Again I realize how emotionally reliant I am on him because I felt at once lonely when he left. Although I already had CG to go that night, not to mention a houseful of housemates close to me.

So the first big bout of thankfulness came when Simon offered to pick me up a little way from the airport to CG, and once I had someone to chat with in the car, I didn't feel alone anymore. Then there was CG which I met WC for the first time a whole month after he joined us, and over the weekend I took 3 different cars around the back and forth home, got to knew HS and DN better, as well as met a new friend.

Suddenly I felt that the 'me' in there was so different once detached from the safe and comfy Jon and me community. People were more open to me, and so was I to them. I remember when Geri introduced me to her friend, I jokingly said that 'Jon's girlfriend' was my other, more popular, name. I guess in many ways that is true. Sharing, or preparing to share lives with someone else does take away individuality somewhat. But I am too made with my own 'shape', and cannot, out of complacency fall out of shape.

I guess that's something to think about this year too, as we prepare to go through most of our life together.