Post Christmas

A few days before Christmas I went home and we had caroling out reaches out of which I attended two. I noticed how much we tried to draw people to our God by mentioning what we could receive through His blessings. Which caused me to wonder: would man just draw near to God if they just knew that Jesus died on the cross for them, so that their sins are forgiven and they could be right with God?

You know we are often awestruck by the fact that we are forgiven and we come to God for peace for love and for acceptance. But many times some storm comes in or when we or our loved ones are forced through some valley, man questions the faithfulness of God, the love of God, the omnipotence of God, and some times the existence of God. Sometimes it doesn't even take a circumstance to stumble. Just the words or actions from another person could do.

How is it that the unthinkable incomparable love on the cross is so easily compromised by the lesser things on this earth? How is it that the heart of man is so fickle and faithless? How is it that a God so great so pure so powerful would put on Himself the limits of man to live among men, to die for men, to prove Himself to men, to live in men, and to suffer doubt and demands from the brings He loved and created?

God's love is clearly more than the sacrificial love of death. It is a living love renewed each day, to cast away our doubts, to prove His faithfulness, His patience, and He moulds us daily till we become more like Him every day. It did not end on the cross. That is just a new beginning.

As I quote a stanza from one of JM's favorite songs I marvel and the magnificent, endless love of God, proved not just by the love on the cross, but it is a love that is displayed and renewed each and every day.

Could we with ink the oceans fill
And were the skies of parchment made
Were every stalk in earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade

To write the love of God above
Would drain the oceans dry
Not could the scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky

How blessed are we who are loved so amazingly.

The Inn Keeper by John Piper

A poem shared to me by Jon, from the perspective of the innkeeper who that night sheltered Jesus in his manger. Written and read by John Piper.

Of course all this is fictional and is only an extension of the author's imagination from the Bible. But the truth is not far away. For after Christ's departure from his birth place, the sword of Herod followed closely, slaying many innocent lives, breaking many hearts, hearts that would never ever be whole again.

Who can explain suffering? Who can explain hopelessness? Who can explain loss of lives and souls, the torment many go through on this earth? 

I would not have the audacity to say I have suffered, having gone through so little in life. I wouldn't even go to lengths to define what 'suffering' means. What is considered for one to have suffered? A loss of a loved one? A loss of a limb? A cancer tumor? Giving birth to a handicapped child? Childlessness? Loneliness? Natural disaster victims? A kid bullied in school?

Who can truly and boldly say 'I have suffered?!' Those who can can only back their claim through comparison with many others in this life. And when people suffer they scream for answers. God, explain this. God, explain Yourself. If You exist, and You are good, and You are all powerful, why do You allow suffering? 

But do you know Jesus went through the worst suffering for your sake? He died on the cross to take away our sins. And before you start to argue and suggest a billion or a trillion other torturous devices that are more painful and worthy to be deemed 'suffering' than death on the cross; the Bible said that Jesus' pain did not merely come from His wounded hands and feet, but from total separation from God - for the first time. As Jesus bore our sins on that cross, He suffered the painful separation from God, that separation in which makes hell hell. Hell is hell not just because of brimstone and fire but because it means eternal separation from God. He went through that suffering for our sake. 

Do you also know that whatever is not tested is not shown fully to be true? How can one say that 'I have love', when there is no one to be loved by him? How can one say 'I am honest in my dealings' when he was never forced to make a dishonest one? How can one say, 'I have faith', unless he persevered although he has cause to doubt?

I would not say that the purpose of suffering is to make faith real, to make love real, to make God real in the times when He doesn't seem real - although it does all this. I am not all-knowing enough to explain convincingly why suffering exists. Suffering to me turns people to God, making them lose all until they clearly see that He is their only possession that can be eternal, and to those who love and believe Him, they will never lose Him despite their circumstance. Suffering grows character, grows faith, grows humility, and grows love.

If you are stuck in a situation whereby you start to question God today, to doubt His love and mercy; remember that you need no further proof of that than in the Savior who was willingly born to live and die for your sins. He loved you with an unconditional love, and in this way the glory of the God the Father is shown - in His identity of being love itself. And did not the Bible say 'the just shall live by faith'? It is through faith that we see through the clouds of suffering we are in now, faith that allows us to place our trust in the person and the love of God, not the situation we are in.

Remember, if you can't see His hand, trust His heart. He is faithful. Time has proven that. Love on the cross has proven that.

Be blessed this Christmas season.

Melting pot

I think communication says a lot about the community we are in.

It is said that Singapore is a melting pot of cultures. I think that especially true in my work environment whereby we need to communicate a lot with the production team and our own teams as we hand over or take over our work.

If a Chinese uses English with a Malay (when the former feels more comfortable speaking in Chinese and the latter feels more comfortable speaking in Malay instead of English), it is a state of compromise whereby both seek a common understanding using a common language.

When a Chinese uses Malay with a Malay (Singaporeans do pick up many Malay terms here and there, especially army boys), or when a Malay uses bits of Chinese to communicate with a Chinese - it shows the mentality that 'I am trying to be involved in your culture to get closer to you'.

But I think the best part is when a Chinese uses Chinese words with a Malay, or when a Malay uses Malay words with a Chinese. This to me means that 'I understand that you are constantly trying to reach out to me through my culture, and hence I reciprocate'.

In this way I think the melting pot culture is a great thing - it brings Singaporeans together as Singaporeans! :) And it melts away the boundaries of language and culture to build genuine friendship that does not segregate.

On a side note I was really happy yesterday cz everyone I talked to over the phone when checking production status were so nice, and that rarely happens. :) It is these small things that make my day, including that small friendly exchange of 'thank you', and 'good night', when my mainland China bus driver sends me home after midnight.

There are many things that make your day, but when it's people who make your day, it really warms your heart.

Wedding Week

I don't have much experiences in attending weddings up till this week where I needed to attend up to 3 weddings.

The first's was my colleague Nichole a few days back, and the second is JM's, one of our campus leaders back in the days when I was still a uni student. JM 'graduated' from campus group a few years back and I haven't seen much of him since. The last is on next Tuesday before my night shift and subsequent home going trip.

I think brides always look awesomely beautiful on weddings and they master high heel walking with incredible grace and ease. And now it seems like polaroid camera usage at reception tables is becoming a trend too haha.

Listening to JM's thank you speech on stage in church today just made me miss those campus days back then when we would meet in NUS and try to decipher what Simon wants to lead us to think about in his discussion questions. I used to feel that I share quite a bit in common on the way Simon feels and thinks about issues; but JM's sharing and reasoning just brought back to me that I actually relate to JM more! He would look at some less popular Bible passages or issues and present a very similar view point with mine. Even up till now I think very few people could relate to my thoughts intellectually and emotionally in the same way.

It's amazing how people can come with such joyous hearts and catch up with each other on a wedding. I hope we meet up more than that. And I look forward to the marriage union of two of my best friends next month too!

Loving through Giving

I think one of the greatest manifestations of love is giving. And there's always something I find very difficult to give.

I could love by giving gifts.
I could love by giving time.
I could love by giving service.
I could maybe, even love, by giving my life.

But I still find it really difficult to give myself away. So far I've only done that with Jon. He's probably one of the only few people in this world (or one of the people in the world?) who sees me the way I truly am, if such an authentic version of me really exists.

Every other side of me I show to the world always amplifies certain traits and hides others.

Gail at work has amplified sense of responsibility, cleanliness (yes, shocking not?), timidness, and innocence (not done on purpose OK).

Gail in church at home has amplified sense of responsibility, amicability, talent (yes, not my fault that people perceive this way) and spirituality.

Gail at home is left to your imagination. I really don't now how people perceive me at home in different stages except that you all think I'm really skinny and sloppily dressed, and maybe very good tempered.

Virtual Gail is probably perceived as very sentimental, and feels things more than she really does. Also much more vocal and opinionated than in real life. Sense of judgement becomes better too, though I don't know for the world why.

Real Gail is a mixture of all in moderation. Plus some other undesirable traits I do not care to elaborate (like over-reliant on boyfriend and stuff). In fact I don't know what Real Gail is like. The Real Gail that I perceive that I show to Jon is merely Gail un-filtered (or filtered with much bigger sieve pores).

You see, I have this remarkable ability of filtration when I face the outside world. Through years of stupid mistakes in talking and acting (still happens now, but frequency reduced), I run multiple scenarios through my mind before deciding the best course of action or response I give to any situation. Best words to use when counselling someone. How to react to emergency. How to react when I make mistakes, and when my mistakes get pointed out to me. How to treat different people. How to communicate with different people.

And so the Gail you see through these tiny pores that 'I' get through is pretty much the censored version. Of course I know that it is definitely not healthy to let emotions run wild in front of people around you or even on Facebook. Imagine if I face you with a thousand moans a day, or just scold you directly when I'm angry at you. Imagine if I complained about people and things without thinking if my concerns make sense in the first place or not.

It is good and useful to filter, but it is also something that I've done too well. So well that I feel vulnerable when people see a glimpse of me behind that sieve I'm using. When they hear a certain word out of place. When they say, 'I didn't know you were actually like this'.

But loving is not like that. Loving is actively opening up yourself to someone, not to comfort or encourage or appreciate even, but giving yourself by sharing with them things you really truly feel. And that's why I feel drawn to people who could actually to that. People who honestly tell me who they are angry with, why they are upset, how they feel about issues, ranging from tiny little things to life and death. As for me, I think and filter too much of what to say that I end up tongue tied till an opportunity to love passes me by.

Jon said to me that there's an ocean in me but it is restricted till just a trickle comes out at a time. I think so too. And it's so hard to keep that ocean in. But I am reduced to tongue-tied agony in the midst of people poring our their heart to me. I need more love in my heart: more, more, more to break this barrier of honest, loving communication, to break this sense of vulnerability to let people have more of me.

I need wisdom to speak the right words.
I need courage to speak up.
But most of all, I need to have love to give myself.

For even Jesus gave of Himself to the people whom he met in His time on earth. Oh God of love, please empower me to love. Please empower me to give of myself.