Nostalgic

One wedding dinner and I felt part of the shift lab again. 

There were only 6 of us sitting at a 10 person table but it was good conversation (and an overload of food). The talk and laughter that flowed freely across the table, to me, was something that was available to them every working day; whereas for me, it was a rare luxury.

The girls in my new lab (and the only guy) are really nice. All of them have in some way or other been friendly to me and made me feel that I belong in this lab. Although I am not really 'a part of them' yet socially, I feel that I will be and I should cherish these new relationships. 

But this doesn't make me miss the good old times less. I just hope that the new people I meet and the work that I deal with in the future would be this special to me too :)

Married and beyond

So last month I stepped into part 2 of my life whereby the whole of my identity changed. At the same time I transferred out from my shift lab to the day lab too, so somehow everything felt like a new start.

I guess I couldn't have married without the help of many others, especially my sisters. Jon and I were touched by so much love shown to us by our families, relatives and friends. From the progression of the weddinng, dinner, to gifts and angpaos received, I just felt that we were so unconditionally loved, so much that it truly exceeds my capacity to repay it back. Thank you.

Two becoming one is really easier said than done. Even though we have known each other for years and even stayed in the same place, it takes a whole lot of effort, especially on my part to communicate and serve one another. Our temperaments are so different and so are our experiences in life.

Someone asked me if being married or being in a relationship is a spiritual experience, and how do you know that person is 'the one'. I think being married is the most practical and realistic experience you could ever have. And that person automatically becomes 'the one' once the marriage vows are said! The conflicts and the sacrifices are somewhat painful to make, but they are the most 'spiritual' in marriage when they become steps of obedience. We are still learning and have a long way to go.

Work is ok so far. I had some difficulties with my tests, and my annual leave conversions were messed up, but I am blessed with new colleagues, who went of the way to give me a sense of belonging, both the seniors and juniors. I hope I can contribute and learn much in my new working environment and hopeful establish strong friendships. 

That's all for now. I am so lazy to blog nowadays. I hope I continue to do so more :)

Some Wedding Prep Updates

August is slipping away, and very soon, we will be reaching 'the month before my wedding month'. People have perpetually been asking: how are the preparations going? And I will have to say: there are still things to do. 

A lot of things to do, in fact. Jon and me are currently slicing up wedding invitations, and hoping that the banquet ones make their way to their owners safely some way or other. Photo slideshows, photos to be developed for scrapbooking, songs to be confirmed, car to be rented, food to be catered, head count to be confirmed, dress and shows to prep. Not to mention last day decorations and rehearsals and whatever random stuff that comes with it.

Some kind souls have graciously offered to help, which we are encouraged by and thankful for; but it is not that easy to delegate things and not make things complicated. Meanwhile we would just have to trust in God's grace and press ok with diligence. 

So many things going through my head these days. What if I look horrible in my wedding gown? What if some guests get left out? What if things go wrong? And so I get transformed into a worry wart over a ceremony that lasts for a day (two if we consider the banquet). 

People say that the wedding day is the best day of our lives. But it is so easy to be focused on perfecting this one day until we lose sight of the decades coming ahead. Till now I have to remind myself time and again not to let the anxiety of preparing for this one day surpass my joy and anticipation of the new life ahead. The Part 2 that cleaves me from Part 1 forever. 

Thank God for Jon being so supportive and comforting, although we are both so clueless at these preparation stuff. I believe that no matter how the wedding prep turns out, as long as the bride and groom are right, everything else will be ok too :)

The Notebook

Just two days ago I watched this movie with Derrick and Joanne at our place. Derrick downloaded this 2004 film and came over to watch. It's a long time since I've watched this kind of romantic film which is supposed to leave you with a bittersweet feeling.

[Spoilers ahead]

In the film, an old man Noah reads a story to his wife Allie who does not recognize who he is. She is stricken with Alzheimer's. It was a love story, their own. A love that was young and reckless, brimming with passion. An explosive love between two people exploding with emotions. Apparently a lasting one too, as Noah did not give up on Allie, even when she did not know him. A whole day of reading grants him about 5 minutes of remembrance from Allie. Then she slipped away, leaving him heartbroken. The cycle has been repeating itself.

I don't find this love onscreen to be similar to mine. Maybe because Jon and myself (especially me) are people so laid back that we devote so little energy to passion. Something I found really heartbreaking in this movie is: if another person becomes the center of your life, once that person is taken away, your whole life collapses around you. 

Amidst all the modern day tragedies we see now, life is just too short and unpredictable. A vow on the marriage aisle may be terminated abruptedly by its closing line: till death do us part. Or even if a couple spend decades together, how fleeting those decades are. I bet for our grandparents, their memories of their youth didn't seem so far away after all.

This passage I've read from 1st Corinthians made me think:

This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.

It says that time is so short that, no matter what we own or don't own, it is fruitless to rejoice or weep in something so temporary. Even marriage. Marrying for marital bliss or romance will only bring but a short term of happiness. But marrying unto God is something eternal that will not be taken away. In the same way, our achievements and things we have in this life, if not done unto God would amount to nil, once time has passed by and all forgotten.

Sometimes we really need to be reminded when life is beautiful, that life is short. And even when life is ugly, all these are temporal too because life is short. Yet this short life is all we get to make our choices, and determine our eternal destiny. So invest it wisely. 

愈来愈近

2014 年已经过半。再三个月我就不单身了。虽然这些日子都在焦虑的想着婚礼的事，但其实严格来说也只是皮毛。

如果可以把我的人生划成两半，那一定会是“婚前”和“婚后”了。婚前一个人，婚后二人为一体。同样是“一个人”的生活，可是“一个人”这个个体的定义转变却如此浩大。

一个那么自我中心的我要在婚姻里失去自我，把“老我”釘在十字架上真的好艰难。人总说害怕单身孤独，一个人过生活，而婚姻却是要人完全放弃自我，重新定义自我，彼此相爱，彼此牺牲来建立一个更完美的“我们”。是那么奥妙，复杂，亲密的改变！因为有一天基督和教会也会是这样一个关系。

我不怀疑以后的挑战一定无数，我不怀疑在失去“自我”的过程中会有争执，愤怒，泪水，甚至懊悔的心情。我知道逆袭婚姻的风浪会很多，有些来自两个不完美的罪人，来自经济，时势，健康，和我们身边的人。但有主在船上就不怕风浪。不怕未知。不怕不完美的婚礼，不完美得到婚姻，不完美的爱情。

三个月，我们的大改变即将被掀起。筹备的工作也尚未落幕。但最重要的是：我的心哪，你预备好了吗？

Greatly loved

Yesterday Pastor Jason preached a very applicable sermon about prayer from Daniel chapter 9 and I thought I'd record some things down.

1. Prayer does not change God's will, but prayer can change things (according to His will).

2. Pray scriptures into our situations. When there is a gap, pray scripture into situations.

3. Prayer is not about us, but about God.

And God answered Daniel through a vision from Gabriel, saying Daniel is 'greatly loved'. One of the most touching love statements, I find, from the Old Testament. No matter how great Daniel's zeal and passion for God is (and it was truly great and faithful and consistent); it could not match up to God's great and faithful love for Daniel and Israel.

The greatness of God's love comes from who He is. How blessed are we today who call Him Father, He whose greatness the universe cannot contain.  

Steadfast and Unceasing

The steadfast love of The Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to am end. They are new every morning, new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness O Lord, great is Thy faithfulness. 

Our scripture exhortation during worship service last Sunday was taken from these verses in Lamentations, and how greatly they comforted my heart. Even now after almost one full week when MH370 remains missing and chances of survival for those on board dwindle to almost nil, I still recall these verses and draw comfort from them, for they are truth. Written in a time when Jerusalem was under seige, when people starved, the city plundered, the women raped, mothers killing eating their own babies just to survive another day; it is near miraculous how the prophet Jeremiah summons up enough faith to say: God is steadfast in His love, His mercies are unending.

I will not hypocritically pretend that I am that affected by the plane incident since I am not so personally close to this brother from church on the fight. But my heart does grieve for him as part of the church, and for his family members and relatives whom I know personally. Many of them has just encouraged me so much by how they have not lost hope and by their proclamations of faith. 

But I do need more than men's actions and emotions to be truly encouraged. Just like how positive quotes on Facebook can only affect you as much as you believe in them, I refuse to ascertain anything cooked up by the mind of man deserves to be absolutely believed in. True, some of them may be truth, but most are just positive thinking and based on emotions. I want the absolute truth, which is not only just truth, but gives life as well. And this only comes from the Word of God.

And that's why when people told me it's impossible to realize Biblical 'theories' practically in their lives, I feel sad. Because if you can't hold on to truth and believe in its life saving and life changing grace and power, what else can you hold on to? It's either because you don't believe it, or you won't believe it. Either way, it shows how it is not important to you, to not let go of the restraints holding 'you' or your emotions back from it. To take that truth in your heart and believe in it. And how can a person not be lost unless they are grounded in what is certain and what is true?

And therefore I hold on that no matter the circumstance God is sovereign, His love unchanging, He is merciful, and nothing can seperate His beloved from Him. Amen.

A Turn of Events

Today was supposed to be a happy day. Attended the wedding of my ex-lab team leader, and am glad to see him so happy with his wife and family on his big day. And of course was bombarded by a tonne of questions: 'You're next! How are the preparations going etc.?" I haven't really gotten much of a head start due to some issues faced last week. But am really thankful that so many people wanted to come for our wedding. It made me feel very much loved.

It was towards the end of the wedding lunch that I was horrified after seeing a FB post saying that one of my hometown church members was on board the now infamous MH370 and is among the missing passengers. Went home to pray immediately and have been refreshing news updates on FB and the internet ever since. No news.

As I read through the track record of the plane and pilots and how this whole implausible situation had been made up by numerous coincidences, I couldn't help but keep coming to this conclusion: God has allowed this. God has allowed this. It was so near to not being able to happen, yet it happened, and I could only say God allowed this to happen.

My heart is heavy, and it goes out to all those even heavier hearts at home. A man with a family, still in his prime, still many so many things that he is able to achieve in life. So many hearts waiting for him and loving him. So many people not put at rest until that plane is found. And what about the other 236 passengers, some old people, some infants, probably most of them yet to be saved. But in the midst of everything there is this ringing assurance in my heart that this is something God allowed. It must be for His purpose, and His glory. And His glory also comes with another thing - it is for our good.

It is so difficult to hold on to this and it made this supposedly joyous day suddenly very very bleak. But in my heart I give thanks to God that firstly my brother in Christ is secure in a place that no dangers could ever harm him. Secondly, all things work for good for those who love God, which includes us and him. Thirdly, God has allowed this missing plane incident to happen, and on top of praying for safety for all those involved, I also want to pray for His intended glory to shine through. No matter in what way.

No we have not given up hope. Even though much time has elapsed I hope and pray for the safety of the passengers and they could be found. I hope that weeping in the night will turn into shouts of joy in the morning. But even more securely does my hope rest in a God that is merciful and loving and glorious. There is a hope that stands the test of time. This hope is there to lead us through life, death and more.

Goodbye Walking Alone (Soon)

Today I went out on another of my solitary shop and walk trips (which always end up with me buying nothing but lunch and dinner). As I walked home slowly it just struck me that after I get back into a normal day job, I won't have nice empty week days to spend such time walking out there on my own any more. The weekends will just be too short and too precious to be spent doing nothing chilling but in the Jurong East Public Library. And even if I have time for that the shopping malls and the library will be full of people and it will feel very different.

I guess moving into a day job means getting more 'we time', but at the same time, it loses my 'me time' which is very precious to me. A lifestyle that I have unconsciously cultivated over these two years plus of working shift. A luxury I quietly enjoy. Hours and hours alone with the day just blank ahead. Not profitable hours to be sure, but they are enjoyable ones.

My boss has already promised to get me out of shift by 3rd quarter of the year, though goodness knows which lab they'd transfer me into. Life will be very different a few years down the road. Though there is part of me that frets this great change, another part of me firmly testifies to myself that all along these two years plus of work, God has given me such favor among my colleagues and my superiors, and has taken care of my welfare so that I had no disadvantage at all although work conditions had changed so much. I have been so secure during times of change and flux, and although I have made mistakes and did things that were wrong, He provided forgiveness and favor both from Himself and from people.

As I finally let go of this hazy 'shift-life security', the security of having free time to myself, of drawing a higher salary, of not having to work longer hours that I was supposed to, the security of benefits shift workers have; I also acquire faith to walk into the unknown. Of not knowing who and where I will serve, what the people will be like, and how my work life balance would be like. But these are the things the flesh look at. All I can do now is to commit these things in prayer with faith: God, how can I serve you better now? How can I be shaped in my new environment? How can this help me trust You that You will provide for me and I will not be in want? How can I be a better steward of my finances and of my time?

As for now, let's just have a few more library trips while they last. :)

Angles

Jon has flown off to China to help out in a Christian youth camp over there. Again I realize how emotionally reliant I am on him because I felt at once lonely when he left. Although I already had CG to go that night, not to mention a houseful of housemates close to me.

So the first big bout of thankfulness came when Simon offered to pick me up a little way from the airport to CG, and once I had someone to chat with in the car, I didn't feel alone anymore. Then there was CG which I met WC for the first time a whole month after he joined us, and over the weekend I took 3 different cars around the back and forth home, got to knew HS and DN better, as well as met a new friend.

Suddenly I felt that the 'me' in there was so different once detached from the safe and comfy Jon and me community. People were more open to me, and so was I to them. I remember when Geri introduced me to her friend, I jokingly said that 'Jon's girlfriend' was my other, more popular, name. I guess in many ways that is true. Sharing, or preparing to share lives with someone else does take away individuality somewhat. But I am too made with my own 'shape', and cannot, out of complacency fall out of shape.

I guess that's something to think about this year too, as we prepare to go through most of our life together.