There is a Hope

Funny how after last week both Simon and I thought it would be nice to be our funeral song.

There is a hope that burns within my heart

That gives me strength for every passing day

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meager part

yet drives all doubt away

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiv'n

and Christ in me the hope of heav'n!

My highest calling and my deepest joy,

to make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Savior there

Through present sufferings, future's fear

He whispers "Courage!" in my ear.

For I am safe in everlasting arms,

And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,

that lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine

When I behold His face

When sufferings cease and sorrows die,

and every longing satisfied,

then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,

for I am truly home.

Imagine everyone singing this, and meaning it, in a funeral. The same hope, the same destination. A time of looking forward rather than reminiscing.

Burden

So what happened was I made mistakes and they resulted in certain consequences for other people who were kind and responsible enough to take responsibility on what I've done. Not those deep dark dire ones but still, it causes a certain amount of displeasure/discomfort.

Three months are up and I still feel like instead of being a help, I'm dragging people backwards. People who have to look after me while doing their own work. People who do so willingly, and ever encouragingly. People whom I long to be a help to, but end up being otherwise. And people who even take initiatives to make me feel better afterwards.

I can't help being blur and making mistakes. I mean, I can help being so to a certain extent but it's really hard to not make mistakes all the time. Some can be salvaged but others harder to do so. All require extra time and effort on my part and on others to put right.

Perhaps I could start by being less emotionally vulnerable. Try to be less perturbed when something unexpected happens (in other words, when I do something wrong), put things right calmly, and not let the rest of my day and my work be affected by those mistakes. To not be an emotional burden, the little girl everyone has to take care of and be concerned about all the time.

I like being taken care of, but I guess it is immensely crucial that I learn to 'grow up' quickly in many ways. To be more independent. To be more careful. To make sure I'm fully alert and think through everything I've done. To take more initiatives. To exert better self-control over my emotions. To be less jumpy.

In a way I'm glad I went through this phase because I know how nice my colleagues are (what an understatement), and I appreciate them all the more because of this. I'm really touched by everything they did for me, the burdensome, boring newcomer launched by chance into their midst. But there needs to be a time limit for this 'learning period', and hence I will have to prepare to change myself in many ways.

Blessings

Sometimes, I just get too preoccupied in counting my blessings, that I forget - what God has gracefully given to me, He also has the right to take away. And these blessings are so beautiful, at times, they hurt when they are taken away. But what right have I to keep what's not mine in the first place?

I'm a person who stays within her comfort zone, and feel most secure there. But being in a comfort zone doesn't give much room for steps or leaps of faith.

So, one day, when this place feels too comfortable, it might be time to leave. I just feel like I could sit in this spot for years, not wanting to move, for all I want I have now, and I am contented. But one needs to be contented whatever his/her lot, for God always gives one enough, and beyond that.

Till the time of change, I pray that I wait and be prepared. When His work is done here, I move on.

The Greatest Distance

This is a much quoted line from one of Fish Leong's songs:

有人说

世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死

而是我就站在你面前 你却不知道我爱你

(Loosely translated as: Someone said: The greatest distance in this world is not the one between life and death; but it is when I'm standing in front of you, yet you do not know that I love you.)

I don't know why people fall head over heels over these lines, but I did not find it particularly interesting. Just those romantic soppy stuff that is overdone, says my over-logical brain. However they kept popping up here and there, in random quotes, in Facebook statuses, and of course in Fish Leong's song which is sometimes aired here and there. So it somehow got stuck in my brain.

However, after we studied Romans in last weeks' BS, these lines came back to my head again. And I felt that they were very very true.

Romans 8: 35 ~ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Then verses 37-38: For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What dramatic verses, and what weight they carry describing God's love. Quoting Frederick M. Lehman's hymn "The Love of God", my favorite stanza goes:

Could we with ink the oceans fill

And were the skies of parchment made

Were every stalk on earth a quill

And every man a scribe by trade

To write the love of God above

Would drain the oceans dry

Nor could the scroll contain the whole

Though stretched from sky to sky

A love of such magnitude, and nothing could separate Christ's love for men. Yet men who in nature do not seek after God, and Him, separate themselves from receiving God's love by ignoring the fact that He loves them. Just like the way it is written in those Chinese lyrics. The greatest distance of all. But even this vast chasm never stopped God from reaching out to men because He loved them.

And being kept in God's love and knowing it: is like having every gap in your life filled, because even as the Apostle Paul went through tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril, sword, and more; he was still so firmly convinced and unshaken in the knowledge of God's love for him - and all things work for the good for those who love the Lord. Do I have this same focus, and this same assurance in God's love for me, that I may give thanks for all things, be joyful in all things, be patient in all things, and love at all times?

The Right Place To Be

It's been months after I've started work, and there's always one thing that makes me envy Singaporeans. Not in the 'green in the face' way, but just a longing to have something they have: the privilege to go home from work everyday back to their families. In fact once a colleague told me she hasn't the desire to get married yet just because after that she won't be able to eat her mother's home-cooked dinner. I was thinking how lucky she is being able to eat with her family every day, and even after she's married they won't be too far away.

I go back home once a month now, and it seems like the weekend has barely passed when it is in fact already over. I've always asked myself why: why do I end up studying and working somewhere in a place away from home. For money? For career development? It's not like there are no jobs in Tampin. I know I'll be a flop in business but at least teaching might not be too disastrous if it's the only way for me to be able to spend all my life at home. (Although I'm not exactly cut out to be a teacher but I guess MOE won't fire me.)

I don't know why I did this long ago: maybe it just seemed OK because everyone is doing it. But now I'm here and I'm doing all this and I guess it's not easy to turn back. And it's not the first time, after saying so many hellos and goodbyes in life, that I wish all my family, relatives and friends could all stay localized in one place and I'll never lose touch of people so easily.

However last Sunday some volunteers from Logos Hope came to our church to share about how they went abroad the ship to volunteer. I don't know how this idea came about: but I somehow had this feeling that God doesn't desire His children to be localized. In fact we are supposed to share His gospel 'until the ends of the earth'.

Maybe that's why I came here to study and work. To meet people. To learn from them, love them, and share our lives together. No matter how you put it, I don't believe that it's God's will for us to 'pursue a career', or study in some discipline because you're made for that. God's will is all about people's lives and souls, not about us learning something and using that something to earn money so that we can survive in the remaining decades of our lives. Or gaining personal satisfaction, or even public acknowledgement.

By saying this I do not mean that the interests and the desire for knowledge is carnal and useless in the kingdom of God. But they must be used in the purpose of expanding His kingdom, and for His glory, not for personal gain. Teachers, architects, doctors, engineers, secretaries etc, all have a role in their professions in ministering to people, and making a difference to the people around them. But the fruits of their work is also largely influenced by the fact which is who they work for. Is it for the organization, for themselves, for their bosses, or for God?

Sometimes I tend to be disillusioned and work merely for mammon, because that is the talk on everyone's tongue and the measuring yard in everyone's hand. Sometimes I get disillusioned too, and work for progress because I feel that's where everyone who pinned hopes on me desires me to be. Sometimes I am disillusioned and work for stability, because I like to feel safe and secure. And sometimes I feel helpless when I know that I'm supposed to be working for a greater purpose, to genuinely love others, to be responsible, to maintain integrity, to glory God in all I do - yet I fall short.

It is still an uphill battle. I'm still struggling, and just feels heavy on my shoulders at times. But I thank God that I'm not alone, and He will work it out eventually. I thank God for this chance of seeing the weaknesses in my character as they are continuously revealed, learning not to be scared of them, and learning how to become better. I thank God for the chance to see and admire the strength and love in others, and learn from them too.

I thank God that I come to Singapore for a purpose He knows. It is possible that in the future I may be even oceans further away from home too, but I trust that wherever it is, it is the right place if He wants me there. And most of all, I trust Him to hide each member of my family under His wings in His tender loving care no matter where each of us may be.

More on Hunger Games

I finally finished the whole of the trilogy today. And oh! Book Three was so tragic. Before I reached half the book, I was like - could I please please just skip to the end? The last few pages and chapters, where there will be no more deaths, no more heartbreak? And of course I could (since no one could stop me), but I just couldn't put down. So hands gripping on my seat I read through everything.

Could just feel the pain when some of the characters died. :( Ending was rather bittersweet, but it was okay. It still ended on a positive note. (But nice endings can't bring back dead characters that grew on you right.)

So I guess unless you can take Book Three, don't start on Book One because from then on you'll be hooked and have no choice but to finish the whole thing.

Still. If you love a good story I recommend this book.

And on a completely unrelated note: I've just come to realize more and more how a guitar can't replace a piano. :( I should invest in a keyboard or something over here I guess. But stuff like that is so expensive and I'm still on stingy mode when it comes to money.

Hunger Games

I've been reading this trilogy sent to me by Mei in pdf format called Hunger Games. Please PM me if you want the full series.

I read the synopsis before starting and I would say that this is not my usual kind of book. My first impression of it through Wiki was this is going to be violent. And I don't like violent tales.

But it turned out that the amount of violence it actually portrayed is merely at the Harry Potter series level. But the emotions within run high. There are issues and feelings people can actually identify with. They are currently making a movie out of it too. But I do not think I will watch it. The movie will contain bloodshed which the book manages to acceptably conceal.

I shall try and share the background with minimal spoilers.

This futuristic science fiction is set in North America, then called Panem, years ahead of time, under the control of a central government Capitol. The country is divided into 12 different Districts, in which Hunger Games is an annual event. During that event, each district, will 'reap' two children aged between 12 - 20 (a male and a female), to participate in the Hunger Games, at which all 24 participants from 12 districts fight to their death for days or weeks in an unknown arena (equipped with weapons and natural/unnatural catastrophes), with only one surviving victor. The victor would be elevated in status and showered with money and gifts, which means a lot to the impoverished districts.

The story is narrated from the point of view of Katniss Everdeen, a Hunger Games participant. I love the details the author Suzanne Collins puts in the construction of the Games: Katniss' different costumes (particularly enjoyed this), special trainings and performances, how the character and design of the game affect Katniss. My favorite character across the trilogy however is Peeta. I love how this plain baker's boy evolved with such character and determination, displaying unexpected talents along the way. Some critics remark that Peeta was 'thinly imagined'. I think he's alright, but it would be great if we knew as much about Peeta, his thoughts and feelings, as we do Katniss.

Suzanne Collins tells a story as well as (or maybe better) than J.K. Rowling in Harry Potter. There are a lot of touching quotes throughout too. I was drawn mainly by her full construction in the mechanics of the game, how the system operates, how the people in the Capitol differ from those in the Districts. Then the interplay if Katniss emotions plus her relationship with Peeta holds me on. It's really worth a read.

Both this trilogy and Harry Potter draw me toward the same conclusion: how much we need God. Both series portray a battle between good and evil, in different ways; in how society struggles to get a 'good' dominating power in place. The Harry Potter series ends on a positive note, Hunger Games in a more realistic tone. What I feel is man can never be able to construct a truly good life/community for themselves. The struggle, the pain, the losses, and the incomplete victories easily overturned within a very short time - these are very real, because man is never perfect and never will be.

For a perfect world we need a perfect God. And this world is not our perfect world. However because of the imperfectness of this world, we get to hope on the next world, in fact the whole universe yearns for this perfect world so much that it has birth pangs of pain. Only God can put things right. Men can never stop this bleeding gnash inflicted by sin. They can only depend on God and if they do, they will not be disappointed.