困扰

很多认识我的人,都认为我情绪淡定.
的确,我没有什么所谓的大喜大怒.
不会哭得稀里哗啦,也不会在日记里面乱骂人.

然而,发现自己还是潜意识的会被情绪影响.
虽然不怎么强烈的情绪.
可是仿佛一股暗潮, 在不知觉中澎湃.

今天在工作的时候一直出错.
虽然不时什么严重的大错,
可是忙碌中不自觉的惊诧自己竟然招架不来.
没有人责怪我,可是我已经知道,
自己今天不专业.
把自己潜意识的情绪带到工作里,
因此影响表现.

回家审察自己,才懂.
原来我心理埋葬很多的愧疚.
觉得亏欠家人.
亏欠我的男友.
亏欠自己.

一年的时间只有那么多.
回家也太少,留下也太少.
阿公生日,我第一次不能回家.
我心里也知道,多数不会是最后一次.
解决方式是否是换工作?
可是又觉得没有换工作的平安.
就是没有平安.

到底是自己得不到了解,
还是我太固执太坚持自己的主见.
自己的选择,也应该了解当付出什么牺牲代价.
可是一定要这样吗?
不能被成全吗?
有人说我回家的次数太多.
又有的认为太少.
可是,勉强的套一句:人在江湖,身不由己啊.

我是否不适合作外地工作的游子?
我还在寻找这个答案.

小记: 虽然心情有点难过,
可是朋友煮了意米水,
竟然意外的让我心情舒服一些.
竟然有一股由神来的安慰,
仿佛说无论多难过,
生命总会有感恩和喜乐的理由.
你只要看见.

Unmovable Culture

The next chapter of Liar game has been out, but unfortunately they stopped at some cliffhanger. =.= But one unexpected development has arose! The naive Nao Kanzaki has suddenly imbibed some brains and a lot of common sense! It is wonderful.

Anyway I was just thinking about a few things after catching up with Mei and asking her about her new job. Apparently her organization has a very different and modern culture, and they try to use that culture to heighten employee creativity and productivity. 

I remember as an intern I used to pay a lot of attention to Merck's efforts to shape a new culture after the merger of Merck and SP. I used to re-read my IA reports (yes I do things like that), and note my own mentions of such efforts. Changing the way people work, and their attitudes toward their work. In my HR lessons we do take note of such things. 

As an intern I noted these efforts, but now as a permanent employee, I notice the difficulties of implementing a new culture on something that has already more or less been hard-set. They've are doing it through the easiest way of implementing change: changing first the behaviors of people before working up to their attitudes and finally their convictions. But it is hard to change attitudes (although you can forcefully change behaviors) when these new changes are initially viewed with skepticism. The discussions of these barriers are very realistic after all, especially when people don't realize the necessity of making changes; or just take them as new fancy names for old things. No wonder now people take personality tests before going into a job. If you're not suited for a certain culture, it would be more useful for the organization as a whole not to hire you despite you having the required core competencies.

I still remember at Year 4 I was seriously contemplating going into HR at some stage of my life. Right now I'm still keeping my options open with regards to that, although I currently enjoy doing something that is related to what I've studied, and gaining new skills and knowledge in the process. But my perceptions of how HR policies are rolled out are now different. I'm glad to be working somewhere that I can observe how these policies of change making are carried forward. And the difficulties they go through. We've been harped through the '12 inclusive behaviors' for a year now, and still, the only behavior people probably really remember (and do not take very seriously) is the first one: 'Say Hello'. That's how difficult it is.

I used to think it was easy to hammer things into people - to get them to understand something or develop certain attitudes that are useful to themselves or to an organization. But I realize now it is very difficult. Visual reminders, examples by leadership, constant mentions and setting them as performance objectives: all these seem to not have their required impacts to move the inertia of the past. And no wonder certain things I've tried to do as a leader in the past has had its hitches. I'd never came up with creative ways to handle such obstacles, nor considered the background of people who are different from me.

May I continue to learn how to be an agent of change through example and be more willing to embrace change myself. Thank God for these lessons I can learn.

Some Comics I've Read

I usually don't go for comics, but I've started off with two.

The first is Gunnerkrigg Court, which I am currently reading. 

http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/index2.php

Jon and Jerome like this quirky comic, and I think it gets better as you go deeper in the story. The plot isn't really stable, I must say; it branches out in different directions. It mainly revolves around a girl, Antimony's, school life in Gunnerkrigg Court, a place where things happen and where advanced scientific technology co-exists with 'ethereal science' (read 'magic'). 

As I said, the plot branches out in side-plots here and then, and I wouldn't say it's a really first class plot, although it's engaging enough. But what really sticks me to reading this is the improved drawings and characterization of Antimony (she gets prettier as she grows up), and the improved graphics. And of course, Antimony's special gifts develop and she learns more about her background and those of the people around her. It's still being updated 3 days a week as of now.

It's weird to say that Antimony's being pretty hooks me to the comic as well as it's storyline, but well, it does.

The second comic which I've read is Liar Game 

(Free chapters here :http://www.mangahere.com/manga/liar_game/)

It is also being updated but they've stopped for a while (on hiatus). I wish they would get up and continue on with it.

In contrary to Gunnerkrigg Court, it is Liar Game's plot that makes this comic superb, rather than the characterization. To be honest, the main character Nao, is so naive and good to others that she is positively irritating. It is the other characters (enter the brainy and charismatic Akiyama, who looks even better in the movie than in the comic) that redeems whatever destruction Nao's character does, and the interesting intellectual and psychological qualities the book provides that makes it a wonderful read. 

The themes of the games are simple enough. Musical chairs. Yes or no votes where minority votes win. All easy-to-understand rules, but you'll be surprised by the amount of intellect and psychological tact required to win, and how the plot develops in most unexpected ways (how many ways can you win musical chairs). The drawing is intricate, and the plot is well thought out. In fact, the plot itself for all the sub-parts of the Liar Games are pure genius. This is by far the most interesting comic I've ever read, because it requires readers to think of solutions out of the box. I do wish the writers get out of hiatus soon. This is too good a work not to be finished.

There's a movie version of the comic out last year (storyline not lifted from any of the comic volumes), and several drama clips in Youtube. The lighting of the movie is quite bad (everything seems to be either dark or too neon-lighted), but the Akiyama is actual quite good looking as well as brainy. He's Mable's type of cool guy. 

Backdates

I haven't been blogging for a long time because my mind has been jumbled up by a massive amount of things. I've decided to mention bits and pieces of them here.

With regards to going home with Jon

Almost two weeks plus ago Jon volunteered to go home with me. Or rather his mum volunteered that he did so that I won't have to go home alone. So we chose the KTM option instead of my usual coach to reach home earlier, and of course KTM had to be late. But we had a lovely time home staying at Ah Gong's house and talked a lot. Of course Daddy, Ah Gong and Po Po had to stuff Jon up and we had to keep reminding them that he was not a Uni student with a constant need to eat any more. Jon's parents came down too, and they finally tried the Longkang Mee which proved to be a bit of a disappointment. Then we went to church too, and all the aunties in church crowded round and said that it's good to be attached, and Jon has put on weight. Altogether it was a lovely trip and I miss Tampin now. 

With regards to the Renggit Seafood Trip with Simon

This is my first (and last, I suppose) food trip with Simon (plus two Jons and one Geri) before he goes to the US. It is also, so far, the most expensive meal I've paid for myself. Still, with a lobster mountain and crab mountain, I guess such expenses should be expected. Besides eating we did many things in one day! :) Shopped for Uncle Ivan's Batam ministry, visited the beach (I forgot the name of the resort next to it), walked a bit at Johor Premium Outlet, had dinner and played a few rounds of Dixit. I'm still amused and amazed by the possibilities of Dixit by the way. Super action packed. Also after coming back Jon and I had a short catch-up with Wayne. It's sort of an annual Wayne-back from HK thingy. It was a little too short for a reunion though, but it was better than nothing. I just realized how terribly fast paced HK working life is. 10 days of annual leave not being able to spend all for fear of the workload lying in front of you when you're back!

With regards to work
Yes, I'm rather too wrapped up in my work environment. It's sort of like my favorite conversation topic with Jon now, poor thing. I like my colleagues and routine responsibilities, still. But I can't say I'm the same intern, or even the same new employee that started off happily to work here now. I have become less innocently positive as I have been before. I learned to care less about people's perceptions of me. If you do that too much you tend to get hurt in this way or another. I have learned to tread carefully and sensitively around people's feelings. I have learned, sadly, who are the ones that bravely and honestly stand out for you, and who are the ones that would rather keep quiet to avoid issues from branching out. I have felt what it is like to be suspected of doing something wrong, a suspicion that is there, yet not voiced out due to lack of proof. I have learned to be thankful that eventually my name was cleared, something that may not have fortunately occurred if not for a friend. I have learned to view people more objectively instead of being wrapped up by warm and fuzzy first impressions.

I have learned a lot. But there is still more to learn.

With regards to everything in general
I just realize I'm a person that processes everything in the head. Go into intrinsic depths. Go into immense satisfaction by having attained the understanding of those depths. But nothing comes back out. Nothing much. Except, maybe an output of analysis of those thoughts. Some writings in a blog (this one).

I need knowledge, I need understanding, I need things to get into my head and then work into my heart. But can they work into my hands too? And my feet? Only with the Spirit's strength, they can. But how much am I giving myself to the Spirit?

I just love these two quotes from Pastor Mike's audio sermons:

1. It's not how much you have of the Holy Spirit (you had all of Him when you were saved). It is how much the Holy Spirit has of you!
2. Every time you are tempted, say, "God, thank you for giving me a chance to prove to You I love You." (James 1:12)

Please Dear God, work these thoughts from my head, to my heart, and let them be seen through my hands and feet.