Put Down That Shield

Yesterday I was just thinking a bit on how I've changed as a result of this one-year plus of working life. 

Being in the lab day in and day out with the same people does to an extent make you one of them in some ways or other. We all talk like one another (except me, who can't speak in Hokkien), like roughly the same things, have more or less the same ideas and like/dislike the same groups of people.

I have changed in good ways - learning how to work quickly, think for other people, to share good things and good news, not to be so stressed etc. But I have also found myself becoming more emotionally defensive - always looking out for myself, and always viewing people in a critical light (as if I was initially not critical enough).

Last time I used to give people a lot of benefit for doubt. Now I find myself being upset first before even thinking through issues properly. Sometimes after evaluating I found it clear that I'm not in the wrong. But what happened to that part of me that sees good in people no matter how horrible they are? What happened to that part of me that is not quick to judge?

I guess after so many years I've finally learned to be afraid of being vulnerable, of being knifed in the back, of being unappreciated, of being taken for granted, of being maligned. Does these emotional guards I've set up make me more street-wise? I find analyzing motives of others daily very tiring. I find trying not to step on people's toes very tiring. I find self monitoring very tiring.

I've decided to retain a bit of individualism and just be myself again. To make myself vulnerable to negativism if it means being able to see good things in every single person again. To be forgiving and forgetting, because I need forgiveness from people daily too. To not be afraid of being isolated, to not give in to popular opinions, to not dislike unpopular people even if they are mean and selfish and all that. To learn to be willing to be disliked for choosing not to dislike (get that?). 

Why? I've always been feeling a bit chameleon-like because I am generally able to slowly blend into different environments. But I've been created to stand out, not to blend in. Not to stand out so that people can see me, but to stand out so that people can see God, who He is, and He is what I stand for. Who am I to condemn someone whose sins Christ had died for? Who am I to be blunt about my feelings without love, so that people put their shields up around me and as a result do not get to see the Christ I want to share? Who am I to give eye for eye and tooth for tooth, when Christ teaches us to offer the other cheek when one side is smote?

I have to learn to take down all these man-made emotional defenses, and make myself vulnerable, if only through this, Christ can be seen. And then again, I am never vulnerable. So who do I fear? May I fear God more than men. May I learn to depend on Him instead of my own wisdom, my own rationalism and defenses. For He is my strength and my shield.

Uplifted

Transcribing devotionals can be very uplifting. Reminders of some things that you know, but you need to hear again.

Quote from Pr. Mike:

If we say to God we're coming to confess the same sin, God says, "What sin?" Reminds me of the verse from Hebrews 8: 12, that says, "For I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more."

Something I needed this week. To remember that God does not judge me based on a a performance curve. If I've loved enough, if I've done enough, prayed enough, served enough. Yes it is sign of Christians growth to love, pray, and serve. But it is not a merit which we have to stand before God one day and be judged for. 

Pr. Mike gave an illustration of this man and his daughter crossing a prairie in which they saw a fire from the distance and quickly realized that the flames were coming their way, and there was only one way to escape. The man burned a huge patch of grass around him and told his daughter to stand with him inside that burned patch. The girl was afraid when the flames approached, but the man said to his daughter, "The flames cannot get to us because we are standing where the fire has already burned."

The wrath of God has already been passed over, and to those who are standing in the safe patch behind the blood of Jesus Christ, there is no more condemnation, only righteousness, and loving discipline. What encouragement! What grace!

Overpowered

People like people who like them and who are like them. Debatable but mostly true.

Can I not take sides? Can I just sit on the fence forever? Must I really take a side so as to really belong? And that belonging is only confined to one side? But if I'm on the fence I'll never really belong to neither side? 

It's just this: I believe people are all different, and I don't like to judge people for being different. I don't like to have clear cut lines of love and war. I am able to accept you being different from me. Does that mean I have to accept you not liking me because I can accept more people and types of behavior than you could?

I don't know which is worse. Being in a cold and emotionless environment, or being in one rampant with too many strong emotions. Emotions that could be good (towards me) but too strong. Maybe I'm not sensitive enough to feel, or decisive enough to choose. Maybe I like living life with large forgiving margins of tolerance, thus not being able to love something all the way, or dislike something all the way. 

I know this is kind of wishy washy, but at the same time I also know, this is part of me, and this is what I'm like. Unfortunately, I also know this is not what most people are like.

Will I never ever be able to belong because I am being who I am? And am I brave enough to keep on being who I am despite this all? 

Just felt so tired with battling all these waves of emotions after coming back. For someone who sits on the fence this much, I do want to feel myself as part of a bigger group. Not just politely being accepted in, but truly taken in as one of their own. But I guess it's difficult, and in the same way it's not good to force me not to be me, it's hard to force others to accept me as me too.

It seems so ironic, so contradictory for one who is so conflict-averse, to repeatedly create ripples of under-the-surface conflicts because of my conflict-averse personality.

Still I know God put me here for a purpose. And sometimes though I just feel like giving up and moving out of this circle, so that I can happily stay neutral and not be bothered by all these emotions, the reminder of this purpose makes me have the courage to hold on. The reminder to love different people all the way, because they are loved by God the way I am, and they are imperfect the way I am too. And though I may not see how I can fit in and what God's purpose is for putting an awkward shape like me here: I believe all things work for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.

So here I am, to learn to fret no more, and to love more.

Reap What You Sow?

After observing people across the years, I still find something that is kind of true: People expect to reap (good) behaviors they sow. Sometimes too much until they become disappointed.

Especially people who pour out their lives and time for other people. Somehow people (especially girls) with big capacities to care for people like these (of which I am not), get disappointed when they are taken for granted, or when no one else bothers to do the same for them.

Likewise, those who behave responsibly and rationally expect others to do the same. Those who don't take things too seriously expect others to be relaxed too. Those who work very hard to produce results expect others to do the same. All get disappointed when they see the gap between expectations and realities.

I used to be like that too. Getting disappointed sometimes when I'm the only one enthusiastic about something. When I'm the only donkey pulling the sleigh on and on and on. But I guess growing through the years I've lived past being like that. Now it's so much easier to take a step back and remind myself: people's actions and expectations toward me are different because they are different from me. Makes it easier to predict what others expect from me too.

Don't have to be so concerned when people are not being nice to me the way I am nice. But be observant to the way they are trying to be nice according to who they are, and be surprised by the things you find out when you do.

I don't know why I'm crapping all these but they are just some things from my mind.

There's this handwriting analysis workshop/ campagin in Jurong Point. Supposed to help you improve your writing, analyze your personality through your handwriting and such. They are launching this to improve penmanship because people are writing less and less nowadays. It's a pity because I love to write. On the other hand I also love to type. But handwriting is so much more distinctive and expressive than typing.

From what I got through glancing at the big boards up there, I'm the low-profile, rational, self controlled (what a myth!), steady, no-frills type. Everything seems to fit except self controlled haha. Also my handwriting tends to morph a bit like those of other people around me. I suppose that either means that I am easily influenced by the environment and the people in it. It's either a good or bad thing. The up side means I'm adapt to new situations quickly and make myself at home. The downside means I have no definite, distinctive personality that makes me stand out in a crowd (some of my alphabets can be inconsistent from one line of writing to the next). Still, I don't mind because I don't like standing out anyway. 

4 Ghim Moh Road With Internet

I've moved into 4 Ghim Moh road for more than 2 weeks now. And we've finally got home internet today (haven't been blogging because of that). Before that I've only been getting snippets of the internet from Jon's phone's data plan and during free hours at work.

There's a lot of nice food outlets around here with a cluster of small sundry shops and Shop and Save which opens 24 hours. I like the fact that now we're nearer to the hawker center and small shops. Last time when I was staying in Kovan I had to walk a fair distance to those because we were staying in the area of the rich who had their own cars and such. But now I'm right in the center of HDB clusters. So it's very community friendly.

However, the living space is so much smaller. When we first moved in with the 14 ft truck packed full with all our belongings (excluding Yvonne's stuff), we weren't even sure if the house would fit everything. But eventually, thankfully, it did. A lot of spacial arrangements had to be done and I had to buy a plastic set of drawers to stack up my things cz there wasn't even space under the queen-sized bed Alicia and I shared. It was over-priced, in my opinion, but it held a considerable amount of things so I think the investment was still worth it. The moving and arranging felt something like the Singapore government stacking up more and more HDB and creating more housing areas for Singapore's growing population. It's difficult but has to be managed, somehow.

Anyway we're quite settled down. I'm saving a lot of travelling time too, and a bit on travelling expenses. Now my next thoughts are on my phone and which data plan I should take up.

My current plan (with no data plan) with M1 is expiring two days later, and I'm supposed to return my phone to M1 unless I plan to re-contract and take a new phone. However, iPhone5 is coming over to Singapore soon and it seems not worth it to contract for a 4S which will have a price fall once the newer version comes up. Also I'm planning to switch from M1 to either Singtel or Starhub due to its weak coverage at my work place. I can't even receive normal SMSs properly. I think Singtel has a better coverage, but sadly they are only offering 2 GB of data now instead of 12. Starhub is still giving out 12 for roughly the same price, but I'm not sure if they've got decent coverage.

So I'll be phoneless until iphone 5 comes out. Justin is loaning me his NS phone. Feel rather said giving back my Xperia Mini which everyone says is super small and quaint, because it has gotten rather personal. They are probably going to scrap and recycle it or something. :( Still it hasn't been working well, and it's about time for a change. Phones used to be very personal things but in Singapore when I change my phone each time I have a new contract (2 years), I've learned to accept things that come and go.

Doesn't that sound something like people you meet here and there in life. Sigh.