I realized very long ago that I'm a girl who lives in a box. A box with boundaries defined mainly by habits, family upbringing and principles. While some of these things are good, others are very limiting. Ironically although I am aware of these boundaries I find it really really hard to change myself or my circumstances to break free of them. (Guess why I stuck to the same hairstyle for years though I knew I looked awful in it. Guess again why my current hairstyle has not changed since then.)
And it's not just the hair. It's the type of clothes I wear, the way I learn things, the way I do things, things I do, things I do not do, places I go, my perception of what's right and wrong, things I spend my money on, music I listen to, and even areas in which I serve in church, and areas which I want to develop myself in. In fact I can say that I am one of the most self-limiting of people I've ever met. Whatever changes I eventually made were of very gradual phases, and most of them were done because they were necessary. Otherwise, they were made because of some push from somewhere, or influence of other people.
I will never spearhead any radical development plan or birth of new ideas. In fact I was appalled by the notion that as RHCME Chairperson in my second uni year, I was supposed to improve the committee by making new changes. Sad to say I had tried to to keep those to a minimal, and credit for whatever good things that came out of that year goes largely to Andrew (who was a Year 1 freshie at that time). My idea of chairing the committee was keeping things status quo. Needless to say, I was okay as a chairperson, but at the same time, mediocre.
If I were Singaporean, PAP would have a field day throwing propagandas at me. The 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' mentality, 'culture of fear', 'don't rock the boat', etc are created for people just like me. People who are just aiming for mediocracy, security, but not development. Well, maybe development, but only the kind that is safe.
I don't want to be like this. But this is me, and how can I not be me? How can a stay-at-home couch potato transform into an adventurer? How can Bilbo Baggins at the age of 50 venture out of his comfy hobbit hole to join an unknown bunch of dwarfs to reclaim their gold from a much-feared dragon Smaug?
I think the only time I took the initiative and stepped out of my comfort zone to learn/try new things on my own was when I was doing my industrial attachment during my final uni year. In fact, now when I look back, I don't know what came over me those first few weeks. I was, I think, more enthusiastic than even new recruits. I dug files, and folders, and opened links to get hold of whatever information I could about the pharmaceutical world. I said 'hi' to other colleagues and asked their names (only for the first two months though). I read every single forwarded email, and 99.99% of them didn't concern me or my work. I read HR-related Harvard-published articles, did web-based courses that are not required of me, read research papers during my free time, and talked to other colleagues who sat next to me on the bus on the way back to find out how lab systems work.
How I wish - how I wish that IA student was still in me. I wonder how she got there in the first place, but the information she gleaned on her own, the contacts she made, the impressions she formed: seriously made me wonder if that was really me.
I want to be like that. Excited to learn new things, keep wanting to learn new things. Not to be afraid of making mistakes, or think when watching a demo that I'm going to mess up this and that later. I still am excited about my now, but there is no drive, no push to stretch my limits. I only want to learn as much as I comfortably could, and not as much as I really could. Sometimes when my colleague tells me how strenuous his own trainings used to be, how they were really (sometimes unreasonably) stretched: I would think that kind of training lifestyle would be useful to me. Not pleasant, definitely; but most certainly useful. Just the same way I was forced to be independent when my supervisor was on leave during IA days and I had to follow up on all her threads. Was telling another colleague another day - that it is grace given to me from my trainer to be lenient with me; but it is my responsibility NOT to be lenient with myself. I wonder how much of that statement I'm keeping up.
And it's not just work. It's my whole Christian life too. How much time have I spent serving God? Is it really work that is holding me back? If my irregular shift timetable is a barrier to me formally serving in church, how am I serving the community, or even my friends/housemates in other ways? I haven't been doing enough, and I call 'work' out as an excuse. I haven't been stretching my limits, just walking within my comfort zone, letting the days pass just like that. How do I let God shine in and through my life?
I'm excited about going to Phillippines for school-evangelicalism in July for several reasons. Firstly, I need something to break myself out of this 'comfort zone' momentum. To focus on sharing the gospel and praying for people even just for a week, for me to get the priorities of my life right again. To experience the power of God through His gospel. To humble myself when I see how others grow in faith and works. Yes I am anticipating this - and I need to start preparing myself for now. Meanwhile I need to pray and start using baby steps to jump start little breakthroughs in my life. To let go, and let God.
虽然逆着风, 你給我勇气. This line of a song meant a lot to me when I heard them, because of what I wrote above. I have needed that 勇气 for a while.
