One more for 2013

So now I am bumping up and down in the shuttle bus on the way to the mrt station, and then home from night shift. Thought it would not be a bad idea to blog now since it's the last day of 2013.

I remember the start of last year. I callously started off the year assuming that I did not need a new year resolution. After all what's the point of having one when it doesn't really help? Or so I thought. So I left off the new year resolution.

 Many things happened this year. I suddenly got promoted to being a senior in my workplace. Started serious cg meetings as a core member and tried out bible study facilitation. Joined a DG (disciple group). Had an unforgettable gospel sharing experience at Manila. Got proposed to. Improved my craftsmenship by leaps and bounds. Played lots of board games. Went rock climbing. Went for weddings and housewarmings.

Yet throughout the year I feel a loss of direction. And there were things that happened and I just got this heavy, senseless, lost feeling most of the time. My quiet time was seldom quality time. My work was chaotic. My impatience to see growth in others was not in tandem with the lack of growth in myself.

So for next year, I shall set resolutions for myself. Not so to make things look neat and pretty but so that I have a direction and a set of priories to turn to when I get lost. And here they are.

1. I resolve to have quality quiet time each day and journal faithfully.

2. I resolve to responsibly plan my marriage as best as I can.

3. I resolve to do my best to be part of cg and contribute to its growth.

4. I resolve to take responsibility for my own spiritual growth and prioritize it over developing other skills.

5. I resolve to give my best at work, not complain and trust God to open doors for me.

6. I resolve not to talk behind people's back or put people down. I will also try my best to be encouraging esp to my family members and Jon.

7. I resolve to keep in touch with my friends, and attend their weddings and special events.

8. I resolve not to give up even though I cannot perfectly realize my resolutions.

There. Happy 2014! May it be a better year. 

So That I Still Remember to Blog

I haven't been blogging for a long time! The last few times I did was using my iPhone, but now, since I have moved on to a 12-hour shift, I do not take afternoon shift buses anymore, and hence do not have that big chunk of time to blog.

Anyway some thoughts for this last month of the year - not going to update much so here's just some random stuff. Many things happened and I just can't keep track of all! I think in between my blogging absence my grandfather got saved, Rachel left for Kuching, everybody's been bugging me and Jon about our barely existent wedding plans, I've picked up a new game which is the Chinese online version of Bang!

Since this is the last month of the year, and I doubt I'll be blogging again this year, here are some closing thoughts about this year, and some 'opening' ones about next year.

1. Marriage
I've been forced to think about marriage quite a bit ever since Jon proposed. Somehow my mind just automatically shuts down when it comes to planning stuff, and I'm sort of torn between wanting a decent marriage sequence of events and that strong inertia of not wanting to prepare for it. I just don't know why. And the date is drawing near, time is running short, and we've got nothing down on paper yet.

But the portions of Pastor J's marriage sermon series did help in many ways. It just goes deep down to what marriage is realistically like, and what it's supposed to be, and (the most exciting part), how it is an earthly portrayal of our heavenly unity with God. I have no doubts that marriage is never going to be easy, but I'm lucky in a sense that Jon is Jon, and he does give in to me a lot, and is patient with my faults. The hard part would rather be how I position myself to be a good helpmate instead of being always on the receiving end.

The reason why I said all these are comforting is because it takes my mind off the preparations and instead focuses on heart preparations instead. And that building a Christ centered family and keeping lasting memories is so much more than gowns, and events, and dinners, and photographs. Or even looking pretty on that big day or that the day runs well. I know this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but then again, which day in your life doesn't happen just that once in your life time?

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I still do not plan/want/desire to have kids. Period.

2. Work
My performance at work this year is like a pendulum swinging across extreme ends. There are some things that I've been doing very well in, and at the same time I have been very careless with my routine work. It's true that I can always pin down the root cause to busyness which I cannot help, but I guess I just need to take ownership of the way I do things, and take some things to be granted without checking. I hope I can learn to be more careful with the little things I'm entrusted to, not just in work, but every part of my life.

But I'm very thankful for friendly and encouraging colleagues, as well as God-granted favors and understanding from my superiors. I'm thankful for new people I've met this year, and old ones I'm keeping in touch with. Sometimes I feel that I associate the human factor much to strongly at work, but it is something that I don't want to be detached from either.

I wonder how next year will turn out to be. I have plans for the future, but I need to wait for God's timing.

3. Growth
Thank God my cell group. If there's anything that I took home this year, it is how we grow in fellowship and love together. Never before have we taken together so many strong initiatives to give people a sense of togetherness in the CG. Never had we all gone out of our way to make people feel welcome. Thank God for Joey, I learned a lot from her. Thank God for Simon, I've always learned a lot from him and known him as a great teacher, but this year, I see him pushing himself and growing himself too. And I admire him for knowing his weaknesses and unhesitatingly correcting that. Thank God for the core group from which I've drawn much love and encouragement, and have motivated me to serve together. Thank God for the dear brothers and sisters in our now much-larger CG, being transparent in sharing, being faithful in service, being encouraging in conversations, although we haven't even know most of each other for even a year!

Thank God for growing our little family. Grow us more too, in every other way.

4. 2014
Frankly speaking I don't like this idea of entering into yet another new year. The previous one just slipped by way too quickly, and I'm officially going to be in my late twenties next year. It just felt like I celebrated last year's Christmas not too long ago, and 'happy new year' meant 'welcome 2013'! And 2014 is going to bring so many changes and new decisions to make. And I"m the sort that doesn't like flux and decision making. And PR renewal.

I think the reason why this year has gone by so quickly is that I've just been passing day after day, flipping my way across the calender just like that. All in a routine week. No challenges to self. Not much growth. Smothered by work. Taking it just week by week by week like that.

I hope 2014 would be more. I hope at the end of the year when I'm at the threshold of 2015, I'll look back and say: many things happened this year, and I'm glad this year happened. I hope that as I walk one year closer to eternity, it would be a joyful one for myself and those who walk with me!

Lessons Learned

I haven't been blogging for a long time. But so many things have been happening and I just want to record some thoughts today, that in a way has made me grow. Now is a time of flux in my life. Flux and burdens. And it either comes and goes wasted, or it will come and go, and grow.

Thoughts and learnings:

1. Unless The Lord builds, man labor in vain. It is pride to think that any labor or any good works for God can even amount to anything without His participation. It is foolish not to know that God grows. It is foolish to think that we labor and therefore we grow, and therefor we worry because it becomes all about us. Never forget the sovereignty and mightiness of God's hand. Never look down on His work, and never overestimate the impact of our own on our own.

2. Jon is important to me. I don't need a fancy wedding or even a normal conventional one. I need to marry the right person, at the right time, for the right reasons. And relationships are fragile things. How blessed am I to be in one that is meaningful and can grow me. How humbled am I too, that I have nothing to do with its preservation. 

3. I know my CG is a place full of people who care for each other. Yes we may be weak at reaching out to each and everyone person, even meeting their needs and making them at home. Yes we may not be sensitive. Yes we have priorities and do not like to over stretch ourselves. But I know if I have a need I just need to ask to receive from them the support I lack. And it is the same for me to them. Thanks for being consistent and being there for each other. I love you guys.

4. Work is just as important as I make it to be. I need to preserve my testimony and be Christ like at work. Yet I do not have to cross my personal physical and emotional boundaries to fulfill obligations. And favor comes from God. Not men.

5. I am just a girl with a lot of pride trying to do well, and care a lot about how people perceive me. And yet the gospel is about a finished work. Not an ongoing pursuit of excellence. It is a pursuit for desire, fueled by desire. It is a pursuit for glory, fuels by thanksgiving and humility and faith. It is a pursuit of a work not completed by ourselves but the finished work of divine love. Thank God for the gospel. For saving me from my sins, and my self.

Ninety

Going home for my home church for her 90th anniversary. I regret to say that I didn't do anything much for this year's celebration except copy out Psalm 90 by hand. Wanted to compose a song for the event, but did not do it eventually due to lack of inspiration and time constraints. Also, I couldn't think of a better song than Keith Getty and Stuart Townend's O Church Arise. Seriously, each time these two work together, wonders happen.

Rich, pertinent, and heart-touching lyrics. Wonderful melody and accompaniment. And as usual, passionately sang by Kristyn Getty. May it be a reminder to our Church and ourselves today. May the bride vigilantly prepare herself to meet her groom who bought her with His blood.

O Church Arise and put your armour on
Hear the call of Christ our Captain
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We’ll stand against the devil’s lies
An army bold whose battle-cry is Love
Reaching out to those in darkness

Our call to war to love the captive soul
But to rage against the captor
And with the sword that makes the wounded whole
We will fight with faith and valour
When faced with trials on every side
We know the outcome is secure
And Christ will have the prize for which He died
An inheritance of nations

Come see the cross where love and mercy meet
As the Son of God is stricken
Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet
For the Conqueror has risen
And as the stone is rolled away
And Christ emerges from the grave
This victory march continues till the day
Every eye and heart shall see Him

So Spirit come put strength in every stride
Give grace for every hurdle
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful
As saints of old still line the way
Retelling triumphs of His grace
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When with Christ we stand in glory

Changing teams

I just said goodbye to a few more of my colleagues from the production side of my team today. From 23 September onward, I will be moving to join a team that I am barely familiar with for good. Will miss my team, for their trust and friendship built across these two years of familiarity. Some things are hard to let go of.

Moving to this new team would be one of the greatest challenge in my working year. I will have to start from scratch to build a close working relationship as I have with my current lab and production team mates, and take in a new subculture unique from team to team. I will also need to stand in for my team leader when he is not around, and train up a new junior. 

Yet I have comfort in through all this God is intentional in leading me this way. I passed many forks along the road that may change the fact if I was to be transferred or otherwise, and each time the path to my transfer was unbelievingly smooth. So smooth that it drove my heart to a strong realization that this transfer has the will of God in it for me, just as He intentionally gave this job to me. I draw comfort and joy from that. I believe He will grow me through this.

So these two weeks I say my goodbyes when getting ready to embrace yet another change in my working life. May this be for God's glory and His kingdom.

For the people?

What happened to 'medicine is for the people'?

Today I only hear the words 'this is a business' that are crudely, continually used to jolt us on. 

But isn't medicine for the people? Won't the profits 'just follow' if we remember that? Why oh why not first take care of your own people?

Medicine is for the people? Or for the business? No wonder we are falling behind these days. Yes you squeeze work out here and there. But do you know that hearts too are getting squeezed dry? Passions quenched and burned out?

As flames are getting snuffed out and replaced by more less-noble emotions, let me myself not forget that medicine is for the people, and more so, my life is for God's glory. Let not the environment change that. Let not the management system change that. Let not the hearts around me change that. Let not my heart change that.

Manila-d

This is a super long overdue post of Manila. The trip was most memorable.

Manila kids are definitely different from Negros. The demographics were different from last year too. I preached the gospel to many college kids this year aged 16 to 19. The high school kids had quite a good command of English too, as compared to those in Negros last year. Negros schools were more rural whereas Manila was a city.

Many of us who went last year told me they preferred Negros because the students responded better. The students in Manila were not as emotional and as receptive. Last year many tears fell as I preached the gospel. This year there were tears too, but way way lesser.

I don't know why but I actually preferred the classes I went into this year. Firstly the students were at an age where they were more discerning toward the things they heard and they were more searching. They can first appear disinterested, but when you meet their needs with the gospel message, it just lifts me up each time those indifferent faces light up with concern and understanding. Not that simple faith doesn't work but to a person who works things out with her mind like myself somehow this resonates better.

The workload this year was slightly heavier. I went into more classes than last year. High schools were physically trying when there is a need to struggle for their attention. College students were emotionally trying. To enter a class whereby the lecturer says '10 minutes only', look at their eyes which zap away my emotional energy by the sheer amount of different needs each presents and to shape my gospel presentation spontaneously based on the vibes they present. 

Some of my fondest memories of this year's classes. A 10 minute presentation in a philosophy college class whereby nearly the whole class ended up emotional or tearing. God actually used that very short presentation by a total stranger to do a work in their hearts! I was struck, touched and very encouraged. Another instance was in a year 2 high school class. When I asked questions to be more engaging a little boy with pink painted fingernails deliberately shouted the wrong answers to disrupt the session. He gradually toned down and started listening as I proceeded, and in the end when I called for them to raise their hands if they accepted Jesus, he put his up confidently and looked straight into my eyes. And another when i entered the noisiest high school class ever in faith telling God in my heart: i can only depend on You to speak in this one! They were playing games and there were not enough chairs to seat them but they arranged themselves quietly on the floor when I started. And miraculously the two classes directly next to mine became quiet too (they were noisy as well) and the whole class looked at me and listened. Yet another instance when a sweet year 11 girl told me she has accepted Jesus and asked me to sign on her notebook for memories' sake. Another little boy followed suit and I ended up having to turn down the rest.

It was an uphill job going into their hearts but when the gospel reached there, there's nothing but sheer joy and encouragement seeing God work. 

The gospel is a gospel of power indeed. I not only saw that in the classroom but it was strongly evident in the lives of the Smci-ians that worked with us. The spirit of serving us, the joy when they worked, the simple faith and the perseverance, the love. Every single day I find myself touched by one or more of them. To the extent that I even think to myself all the time: this is Jesus in them. This is Jesus in them. No other thing could have grown into such abundant fruit. It is a joy to see them, a joy beyond description. It shows not just the saving grace of the gospel but its incredible life changing power. These brethren, their lives do the gospel justice!

I will continue with the proposal blog nx time :) thanks for reading.

Minions

I watched Despicable Me 2 with Joey, Stacey and Rachel.

Enjoyed the outing but felt a little let down with regards to the movie. [Spoilers Alert.] Seriously, the minions are over-rated, at least in my opinion. Drastically so. 

I enjoyed the first movie so much mainly because of its novel plot, and of course, the characters are appealing. Now they are attempting somehow to skew off the main characters to focus more on the minions instead. Cute or not, it was rather irritating to watch their brainless antics for half the show. More time could have been spent to flesh out the human characters more.

The plot line was so-so and execution was average. Humour was standard. No idea why one of my friends even watched it twice! 

众人皆醉我独醒

今天真的有这种感觉。

你们口中说的那所谓的成熟

那所谓的情绪淡定

是要付出代价的

当你一个人沉着

别人在大声喧嚷

不能肯定体谅你

却理所当然的向你索取那些肯定和体谅

没有人顾虑我心里的害怕和不安

而我却要再说的每一句话前

考虑是否影响你们的情绪

当你们互相影响时

又要体谅又要解围

人说忍耐是有极限的

而极限这个东西

离我似乎越发遥远

每天都是新的。大的。高的。

因为我心里的希望和喜乐。

让我可以无极限的往下撑。

Investments

Today my colleagues were talking about investments and insurance options during dinner.

I don't know if investing is The Thing to do at this age. Many seem to be doing that and getting really decent returns. I wonder why they do it - for security only, or to hope for a windfall? Maybe for both?

I don't know why I've never spent my life thinking or planning how to get rich. Maybe I am too lazy. But I do think there are certain stuff in life I would be fine doing without. Branded clothes bags shoes. Expensive face hair and body treatment. High tech IT applications. Concert and musical tickets. Big houses and cars.

I wish from the very bottom of my heart that I would grow old, loving the things I love now, that these things will continue to make me happy. Board games with friends. Walking to grocery shopping, snacking in hawker centers, spending a day in east coast park. Wearing 10 dollar tee shirts. Drinks from vending machines.

As for those medical bills and housing bills, I just need to be responsible enough in planning and faithful enough to give mercifully and thankfully to those who need it. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Because God takes care of tomorrow.

New records

The haze psi in Singapore had struck a record high today as never ever before. Unfortunately, so did my working man-hours in the shift. To think there might be a chance of stop-work order due to hazardous environmental factors! Wishful thinking indeed.

Yes it's rather depressing being worked to the bone during shift only to find out the mistakes I made from the next team after going home. There was no chastising, no blaming, nothing except me thinking that I could have done better than this. Again.

But it was from this that I truly realized also, today, that I have entered into someone else's world at last. From being an outsider, to a tolerable friend, to mildly appreciative, and finally to being fully appreciated. I can't describe how amazing it is to get here, because I thought I'd never would. But then miracles happen and I've been witnessing a lot, lately. Anyway, it encouraged my heart that at least, to somebody, I made a difference. A difference that was, to me at least, not easy to make. And things continue on from here - to build up and support another person, or to destroy and hurt with callousness.

It is a dangerous place to be: inside someone's world. Because it means that you are starting to make a difference. Things you do affect them. They care about you now, and your actions can greatly encourage or discourage them. The relationship can turn sweet or sour easily if it doesn't just fade off. 

On a side note I am really quite amazed by how Jon has successfully insulated our house from the menacing haze using fans and filters. The filters are horribly black now. The difference between our home environment and the outside world is so drastic that, when I opened my door this morning and in the afternoon again to go out, it felt like stepping out of a space shuttle pod into a foreign planet. The sight of the haze outside was so unreal and intimidating and I am glad almost none of it penetrated our living quarters.

How far greater too does the grace of God shield me from the insecurities and pressures of the outside world. More and more so.

Manila in Three Weeks

Flying to Manila in three weeks for a week-long e-campaign this year. Going with campus group again - some people are relatively new to campus, and there are a few from last year who will not be joining this year. Will miss their companionship, definitely! I still remember all of us sitting around Simon in his shared room with Andrew last year, on our last night, dropping tears as we shared our experience.

This time will be different because it will become, in a way, a more familiar experience. Yet there are things that are different. Manila will be a different challenge as compared to Negros. City environment, city kids. Tagalog instead of Cebuano. Different forms of bondage and obstacles. Big groups, more people. And yes, the heart, our hearts may be so easily deceived by thinking that because of past experience, we do not need to depend all the way, we do not need to exert as much effort as last time.

But be it city or rural areas, God's power to save is the same. God's love for the people are the same. Our compassion for souls should be the same, and the way we look at the people should be the same. Our weaknesses and necessity to fully, 100% rely on His powers and His abilities are the same. Everywhere, God saves. Everywhere, people have this common need for love, which can only be satisfied through Him. Because we are made for His love.

As we ran through a video of last year's campaign, although I wasn't in any of the picture slide shows, it did bring back scenes to my mind. How I almost broke into tears in my first classroom, but thankfully manage to finish my sharing. How the teachers in the staff room cried and how I cried with them. How each time the students will look from me at different places in the room with eyes that spoke of a longing for a hope. A hope that is so apparent there and is so apparent here in this garden city, in a different way.

God, prepare me to be your witness. Every way. Every day.

Empowerment

It's been two weeks after my former team leader left the team for somewhere new. And across these two weeks I have really felt the impact of his leadership towards my new role in the team. The way he showed his leadership in encouragement and empowerment.

As I take up a slightly more active role in shift issues administration, I cannot but thank God each day, each shift, for the things I could help out with just because this guy was willing to share information, share experience, and actively involve me in all these things even though I was (and still am) the most junior member of the team. The extent of the things he could have done and settled himself, but took effort to teach and involve me too. The creativity of the solutions he had to finding out information and problem solving.

Most of all, I am thankful that he had trusted, encouraged and empowered me in a way far more than I deserved. I am thankful that he always believes in the best of people, and sees good things in the clumsy new chemist who doesn't even pipette properly and had her hands trembling whenever she uses pincers. I thank God for the times he used to resolve and shield me from the consequences of the problems and difficulties I've caused, and instead taught me not to fear them and positively make me repeat till I get things right.

Although he was a chemist with great skill and technical knowledge, the greatest takeaway I had from him was how to make friends and build people up. He is in his own way a great leader. He gave me confidence in myself and helped me contribute to team leadership in my own way. He despised not the youth of my age nor my inexperience in this field. Instead he even had the humility to see others better than himself.

I am glad that the current leader of my team is also actively training me up and is expressing and showing trust in the work I do too. I am really thankful and encouraged. And I am impressed so hard the fact that I should in turn not presumptuously draw early conclusions about people be they senior or junior. 

To work with a team that trusts and builds up one another is such a joyful and meaningful thing. I hope I can likewise help to encourage and build up the people I work with.

Not enough

I think I always do the right things for the wrong reasons.

Years spent growing up with an emotionally sensitive mother, and an equally (if not more) emotionally sensitive sister, has taught me the hard way when to show tact, sensitivity, and concern. I'm quite thankful for that because now I can almost automatically realize what to do in different situations, to save people's face, to make people not feel left out, to make others feel remembered and happy.

Today somebody even told me that she would want to leave my work place before I do because I am one of the few who really cares about how others feel. It's sad that no matter what others see from the exterior, I can't help being a person who cares only to an extent of wanting others not to feel sad or negative; but very rarely to make others feel happy.

Oh yes, there are instances when I do go all the way to do those things. I remember just in the past month I really went out of the way to do stuff for someone to make the memories left behind of the workplace really special ones. But now for this other person (which I am not close to), I am doing something that people would not do out of obligation, only because I don't want this other person to feel left out.

Why do I so easily allow what people are to me to determine who I am and how I act? Isn't God's love for me unconditional enough to give me a reason to love people the same way? To do things for them from my heart instead of just with my head and hands? And still feel self righteous about it?

Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood

Well, technically, I haven't reach that cross-point yet. But I'm coming nearer and nearer to it. It's right in front and I need to get myself prepared for it.

On a side note, it's rather amazing the way I've come to accept and live with new circumstances, and how people around me have stepped up to it as well. This is really faith becoming sight. And it's true, that daily portion of grace I've given. It sustains me from being stretched too tight. It gives me every reason each day to be thankful.

I don't want this thankfulness to be limited to work. I want it to stretch far and wide, to entrench itself deeply in all aspects of my life. I don't want my experience with God to stop at my workplace. I want it to be further, deeper, stronger, in every part of my life. Every place I'm at. 

I want to be deeply, emotionally, involved with God in my life.

And that's why, at this diverging of roads, I need to pray towards that. Should I stick to something that I love, and continue to function comfortably and competently each day? Or should I leave this, venture into something new, that allows me to just detach myself from this interest so that I can come back to feel, to get into other experiences more? Where are the people that God has planned for me to meet, to get involved with? To pray for, to talk to, to love? How will the roads to come affect my relationship with my family, with Jon, with the church?

My response towards this is what it has been for years and years past: Thankfully, I don't have to make such a difficult choice. Thankfully, I only need to pray and submit to God. The doors He opens, and the doors He closes. Thankfully, the Maker will turn my course of life according to His design, and I would just need to live according to it, to see reason in my life.

Whichever road I venture into is marked out on my road map. And I shall walk in faith.

Sayonara's

I'm in the midst of saying and preparing for goodbyes. All the activities kind of numb the ache of it. And all the preparation in getting ready for new people and new changes offsets the difference that I'm going through.

Yet I know after people are parted, it will be impossible to remain the same as before. Our memories of each other will halt at that time point, but our lives move on at a pace that is impossible to catch up with each day. 

Things change and people change. But I believe there is a God's hand and His grace in everything. And oh, it's so incredible that I've never really felt the 5 phases of change during the organizational take over, but felt the whole cycle so acutely over just this one month.

As much as we miss people who have just left, it is so much more important to continue to support, appreciate, and build relationships with those that are still with us, while we can.

One Day at a Time

The days stretch long. But I am reminded that I should take not all together, but one at a time.

Dear God, give me Your special portion of grace for each day. To trust on You to provide for all my daily needs. The strength to give my best, the ability to take in shocks and surprises, the love to share, the patience to endure. The sight to see, the ears to listen, and a heart to feel.

I need that portion of grace. But help me not jump ahead and worry for anything beyond this one day. For like the way You fed the Israelites manna, your daily manna will always be enough, will always be satisfying.

Your grace will always be enough. You will always be enough.

Out there

I think it's been a really long time since I wrote a really random post like this one is going to be.

I've been shopping on my own and making my little trips round Singapore a lot these two years. Recently I was asked if this feels lonely? And I replied that I now preferred to window shop on my own.

Anyway a consequence of this was recently I have started to notice the world out there a bit more. It's not really 'out there' as you'd describe it. It's just those normal things: HdB flats under the glaring afternoon sun. The stormy skies. The streetlights against the road in the late night. Bustling traffic full of people. Blue blue morning skies. Empty school fields.

And being the quick paced person I am, I quickly pass by all these and enter the walls of the shopping malls or libraries. Indeed I do not dare permit myself to stop and just let one two hours pass by to think. Because the unknown sense of memories associated with these random environmental scenes is too big for me to take in.

I think, if I was all alone in say, east coast park and I sit in a quiet corner letting my mind run free, it would overwhelm me. The memories, not too bitter, not too sweet; will still haunt and haunt me the same, just and just because they represent days that have passed and will never come back again. That person that I was and will never be again.

Indeed I do not dare. I would inexplicably, mysteriously be so lost, that it would be hard to retrieve myself from the world that was.

Isn't it funny? Just those mundane, day to day things would invoke such ripples of nostalgia in me. Boring unnoticeable events would appeal so much to me right now. I wonder if what I am doing now would affect me or move me to think so decades down the road. The people, the things, the sights and smells.

How hard it is to go back to old familiar places without reminiscing, without wishing somehow, the good old days could be replayed. How can change be coped otherwise, if not through the numbing of these senses.

But that doesn't mean we can't hope for more beautiful things in the future :)

One-Third of May

We're one third into the month of May. And at this end of the calendar I see so much of June and the months onward already. And it's not a pretty sight.

I am trying to focus on May. But voices surrounding me keep on pointing to June and saying: look at what's coming! News after news. Adaptation to one thing followed by another. 

I am not afraid of work compounding. But I fear short tempers. I fear impatience. I fear how the impact of these things would leash out on people who would in turn leash out at others who would leash out at me. And I fear I will do or say things that I have been restraining myself from. I fear myself saying harsh words I will regret. 

Dear God. In this world where the pace is quick and unforgiving, help me to always always rely on Your grace. Help me to see people with the needs in their hearts. Help my compassion and forgiveness for others exceed that that I have for myself. Help me not forget to smile and to thank people and to thank You for all that I have. Help me not forget the good they did for me, the grace You gave for me.

Help me not to falter. Help me not to lose myself in the month of June and beyond.

Moving on

The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you grieve over Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go. I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons." - 1 Sam 16:1

I just finished chapter 15 a little earlier and it was about how Samuel told Saul that he and his household are now rejected by God due to his disobedience. Then Samuel left Saul and never saw him again. But in his heart Samuel grieved for Saul.

Somehow for various reasons, I could relate to Samuel's grieving. I don't know if it is the democracy parallel, or people and things I have placed and built hope on but have to give up and accept changes in this year. I think year 2013 hasn't been a smooth year for me. It is filled with tiny little hiccups and lots of rethinking and replanning. Lots of disappointments and setbacks. Lots of times when I don't even know what and how to pray for.

It is a lot of looking at Romans 8:28 again and again and again. Church land bid failed? Romans 8: 28. Major shifts and problems at work? Romans 8:28. Feeling unappreciated? Romans 8:28. Family issues? National issues? Personal sense of loss? Guess which verse I turn to.

It comes to a point when Romans 8:28 seems like an endless repetition, and I just wish I could flop down like Samuel and grieve and grieve over a person, an issue, or less noble things like myself. But God said a matter of factly to Samuel - 'how long more will you grieve? Move on, I have plans ahead.'

And Samuel went to appoint yet another king. How did he feel when he saw the young boy, full of the Lord's spirit of the Lord's own choosing? I believe the sight of David and the fact that David was chosen by God, and the act of anointing David did much to revive Samuel spiritually. Only by moving on, Samuel got over his grief. And so Romans 8:28 holds true. God just takes turns that we do not expect - like overturning His first anointed king for a shepherd boy who would have the lineage of the Messiah, God's own Son.

But I've never had the answer of why Saul was initially chosen only to have God 'regretting' His anointing. The humble Benjamite, who rose from the ashes into an arrogant king, later to die in such a hopeless manner. Why Saul? I guess like many other things in this world, some answers are yet to be discovered. And when we can't see His hand, we can always trust His heart.

Democracy Died...

... and I've never felt more guilty as a conspirator.

Rigged or not. I still wish I had registered to vote.

I still believe in Romans 8: 28. I still believe that what has happened, God has allowed. I still believe that God will use what is broken, what is corrupted, and what is evil for His glory.

But I still sorrowfully mourn this blatant injustice we have to face as a nation. And more so I mourn my indifference and lack of proactiveness in not securing my rights to make this change.

One Day More

Just reminded of the lyrics of this song in Les Miserables:

Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God in heaven has in store!
One more dawn,
One more day,
One day more!

Praying for a country for which I have abandoned my rights to vote this year. Honestly speaking - I regret of not being prepared earlier.

May this passion for righteous ruling across the land be transformed into a greater passion for You. May the Christians who poured out their desires in electing the governing authorities for this land, show forth greater desires for You as the ultimate source of authority in their lives.

May the government of Your own will be elected, that Your glory be shown in this land. May we learn to respect and submit to You through the authority You vested in those who rule. May we have peace in our hearts through this time of flux and unrest. May we rest assured knowing all things work for the good of those who love You.

Dear God, I am thankful that all is in Your good hands. And my dear homeland, I am sorry that I am not registered and not home to see God's plan come to fruition, to be part of that plan. My vote is not home this year. But my heart and my prayers will be.

Rational Girls

Yes, what an oxymoron right.

But I always think that the only time a girl appreciates rational advice is when she asks for it. (Or when it is subtly given loaded with outwardly/emotionally expressed sympathy and concern, probably in a way only another girl or woman can give.)

As for the self-proclaimed rational girls, they are still girls the same. They do not rationalize objectively based on cold hard facts. They do not like facts to be cold and hard. They persuade themselves to overcome emotions with other kinds of emotions that are to them, superior in value or worth than the ones they are feeling. Then they make these silent decisions with themselves when they are alone and are safe and free to be themselves.

I don't think a girl can just detach herself from something, apart from receiving another emotional replacement. Some girls do it more easily because they are able to seek out these replacements for themselves and weigh its worth, therefore make the sacrifice.

Sacrifice. I never wanted to use this word for its inappropriateness. Yet that is what the irrational part of me think it is.

Uphill Stride

I need to walk close to You to tide through this challenging time.

The challenge of learning to bear each other's burdens.
The challenge of not just loving but caring.
The challenge of not putting myself first.
The challenge of faith in letting go of something good to expect something better.
The challenge of doing things alone.
The challenge of saying goodbye.
The challenge of patriotism from an unregistered voter.

Such a difficult time. But it's exciting. Because it means I can lean on nothing, nothing else but You.

And it means I taste how much of 'everything' You are to me.

And with them He dined

I wonder how Jesus must have felt living and dining with sinners.

The tax collectors who made the poor poorer. The prostitutes (and men who made use of them) who viewed sex as something that could be bought and sold. The Pharisees who looked down on everyone else. The normal people like us, who looked average on the surface but with hearts that burned with hatred, deceit, discontent, lawlessness, disregard for parents, disregard for God.

How He felt when He cried that He longed to gather Jerusalem under His wings, but they would not let Him.

For He came to love them and die for their sins. And to look at them live in their sins, refusing to turn away. To know that some of them are so deeply loved, yet chose to reject that love. To see them love instead that sin that He paid the price for with His own blood.

It must be way way more than the hurt I felt today. The hurt of seeing and knowing how much people need you yet glory in their sin. The hurt of loving them, and loving Your laws, and yet not judging them. The hurt of not being able to do anything to help. To see the lost who know not they are lost.

When the hands are itching for action, the mouth knows not what to say. And the heart calls out: you know what to do. Trust. And pray. Love. And pray.

Pray because that's the only thing I can do. Pray because that's the best thing I can do. To pray means to trust in faith. And doesn't the Bible say that the just will live by that daily manna called faith?

Dear God I trust that you love them more than I do, and I know You are mightier than I could ever ever imagine. I trust in Your love and goodness. Thank you for You.

Do Not Be Moved...

... by lesser lights and fleeting shadows.

Maybe life is realistic. But as realistic as life is, God is a truer, surer, reality.

As I struggled in my heart to let go, I had my answer as I remembered that Jesus let go of heaven to drink that cup of suffering for me, for us.

He let go when He had everything to lose but nothing to gain. But when I let go in faith, I am assured that I have nothing to lose but everything to gain. He let go to love those who cannot pay Him back. I let go as a response of having received that love.

Oh Lord can I pray the prayer of Elisha for his servant. Open my eyes to see Your chariots of fire.

It is not a sacrifice. Just a response.

Set apart

For I believe that Christians should not only be set apart in terms of holiness, but also in our source of joy and hope and love.

For I can preach no real joy apart from Christ. No real hope apart from Christ. But in Christ there is joy everlasting. In Christ there is hope everlasting. And no love worth having apart then ones being made eternal in Christ.

That's why sometimes I find it hard to motivate people in suffering and in need to carry on. Because the only concrete, practical reason I see to make a difference to yourself and to the world is Christ. Anything other fleeting reason is like catching the wind. Futile work that is a vapor blown away tomorrow. Futile happiness that is but an illusion. Futile hope that is extinguished with the lamp of life.

Why rejoice, why laugh, why love if everything is put to end by death and the grave. Why exist. Why work to save lives when life will end one day. Why walk in a universe that is now here but one day fold away.

If nothing was eternal, none of this will make sense and it doesn't make a difference does it, a person who changes the world with a cell that cannot be fertilized.

As Apostle Paul rightly puts it, if Christ were false, we would be the most pitiful people on earth. Because people at least have hope in the things of this life. But our hope is in Jesus, therefore we forsake the things of this life.

And yet it is because of Jesus, of His promise of forgiveness eternal, love eternal, hope eternal and life eternal; does anything in this world be worth anything at all. In fact it is worth everything because of Him.

What joy what hope what meaning the message of grace and salvation brings. Oh, come taste and see of this goodness!

Motivation

When I was doing my industrial attachment, the thing that stayed through in my mind was this quote by George Merck: We try never to forget that medicine is for the people. It is not for the profits. The profits follow, and if we have remembered that, they have never failed to appear. 

George Merck quoted this in 1950. Today MSD is not just 'Merck' but a merger of many different pharmaceutical companies across the decades. Today it is not Germany my company is in, but Singapore. Today people produce medicine for different reasons and different motivations. What George Merck had in mind back then may or may not be in the minds of my upper management who run and determine the direction of MSD Singapore, or MSD worldwide as a whole. I don't know, and there is so little a small fry like me can control.

But since that day of orientation as a student I have held on to this motivation in my work - to give because medicine is for the people. To serve the world in my own little way, this way.

There are many other reasons why I'm in my job. But this is the main 'industrial' reason I've held on to, and this is why I've always leaned heavily towards staying in the pharmaceutical line after I graduated, limited though choices and openings were. I thank God for this chance to serve in MSD for close to two years. I thank God for this chance to play my little part in this industry, to feel a part of this industry. 

But as I sink down in my little comfort zone, taking in my pay month by month, I yearn to know more of the days ahead. I hope MSD will continue in the direction it has always said it will go. To work because medicine is for the people. What we save on, we save for the social well being of people. What we give our best to, it is the same. Not just because it's just a job, just a profit earning avenue, just something we do everyday.

After I entered university, I discarded the notion that there are such things as 'dreams'. Rather, I took up the notion that when you're given lemons, lemonade is the thing you're supposed to make. So just sit down, wait and see what is given. Lemons, apples, bananas, and then make what you can out of it. It never occurred to me that I should 'dream to be given a lemon, so that I can make lemonade'. Yet before I graduated, I slowly had a wanting to be handed over lemons. Yes I'll take anything else, but can I have lemons please, if possible? And miraculously, despite many odds, I was given lemons! And I started to make lemonade. 

My lemon back then was to serve in a pharmaceutical organization that makes a difference to the world. And then through this organization, make the difference I can in my own tiny way. But the question now is how long can I continue making lemons? And how long is the lemonade going to remain the way it is? Can I, dare I, could I, should I, continue to dream about lemonade making? Are dreams allowed? Are dreams selfish?

Dear God if I can I do want to keep on producing lemonade. It has given me such joy and fulfillment. But I know for sure that Your good is gooder than my good. And no matter what you have me make, I know it will be best for me, and more importantly, it will be the best for Your glory to be seen. I pray for Your providence and direction in doing what You will me to do, for the world, unto Your glory.

转角

休息了好多天，听到好多消息，想了好多好多。昨天还以为自己找到了方向。今天又怎么是失落惆怅和迷茫。

我总是从孤独一个人的生活里学会找到自己，然后碰到一些可爱的人，依赖着他们成长。他们离开后，我又得重寻那曾经自立，曾经坚强的我。

总是告诉自己这路不是第一次走过。也总是在重新上路时觉得自己很累。

也好。也好让这个长被左右的人找到自己的原则。也好，在孤独的时候重新发现自己的价值观，自己的定格，自己该去从的方向。

也好让自己闭起双眼勇敢坠落，掉如一个叫信心的网罗，什么也无法依靠抓紧，只等待一双叫爱的手搂接着我。

我现在仿佛失去侍奉的方向，事业的方向，梦想的方向。我知道我站在一个转折点，却不懂这一转什么时候开始了，什么时候会结束，会如何结束。

当上帝让摩西知道他不能走进迦南地，要在旷野继续绕圈圈时，摩西没有心存不甘。他何尝也不迷茫惆怅看不见未来。可是他最后到了比迦南地更美丽的地方。他每天看到比迦南更荣美的上帝。我相信上帝以自己满足了摩西对迦南地的期待。

主我期待你的迦南。可是我更想看到你。

My long break

One day of annual leave, followed by two days of off-rest and five days of mc (wisdom teeth extraction).

Would spare you the gory details of my extraction and recovery (probably not that gory if you are away from my perspective but I was really freaked out). And it's the first time of my life I've been stitched!

Caught up with my lag in my one year Bible reading at home. Jon treated me like a princess which I am really thankful for. Plastered tissue boxes and waste bins everywhere, stocked the fridge with yoghurt and ice cream, crushed my pills, cooked porridge, and took leave to spend time with me. Then there was these rush of SMS's checking in on how I was and saying stuff like 'you're so brave! Two at a go!' When in actual fact I was forced to go through it. What can one do with two threatening decaying teeth of wisdom right? Anyway I do feel really blessed.

Tomorrow is back to work season but I really hope it can be back to eat soon. Not that I crave eating normal food as much, but rather I crave the normal sensation of 'being able to eat in the ordinary way again'. Though I'm glad I'm far from the stage now when I tearfully swallowed my first meal of ice cream (my favorite food, imagine!), I still long for my tongue to be free again and that flap at the side to close up so that I could eat other things without worrying I will hurt myself too. 能吃是福。真的。

I've been thinking about other things to but some thoughts and postulations should best be kept to myself till they are confirmed to be reality. Dear God, Thy will be done in every station, and all things will work for the good for us who love You. Be merciful to those outside Your kingdom too, that they may experience this love and goodness of Yours. Not in abundance or security in the things of this life but everlasting security and assurance in You.

留下我

当每个人努力的往外展翅高飞时
我这时候的选择还是留下
虽然没有你们
虽然环境变迁
多了辛苦
少了笑声

因为我给了一个承诺
因为我终于了解
我的使命变了
从服侍看不见的人
到服侍看得见的人

我相信
我因为这个使命没有离开的意愿
你们也因为我的使命没有离开的机会
可是时候一到
使命就会改变
人的命运也会改变

所以要珍惜当下
也为未来的人和事
装备自己

Jesus I My Cross Have Taken

I just emailed my home church pastor to tell him that Dawn and I would like to present The Power of the Cross on Palm Sunday. He said later on that he had listened to the song and it was meaningful and 'tough'. I'm not sure if he meant 'tough' to be the vocab used in the lyrics or the song held deep meaning?

Anyway it led me to think of another song that James said was really tough to sing when he led in worship, and it's because to sing this song really challenges our commitment to Christ, and it really means living by faith (and only by faith) each day. It's a very meaningful song and I thank God for the song wright, every line and every verse of this very long song holds such weight, none of it was lightly written. 

To see Christ as most precious beyond anything else in the world. To see Christ as most secure more than anything in the world. To please Christ rather than to please man. To welcome suffering and even pray for suffering if only Christ's glory be shown. And above all these, be rejoicing, rejoicing and rejoicing because of the Godly assurance of having Christ.

It's difficult, but it's worth it. And it's never too difficult for us. So true, oh, so true.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee;

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my All shalt be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known;

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

And while Thou shalt smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends may shun me;

Show Thy face, and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!

Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!

In Thy service, pain is pleasure;

With Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba, Father!

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,

All must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me,

'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;

Life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation;

Rise o'er sin and fear and care;

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

What a Father's smile is thine,

What a Savior died to win thee;

Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

 Haste, then, on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith and winged by prayer;

Heaven's eternal day's before thee,

God's own hand shall guide thee there.

Soon shall close the earthly mission,

Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope soon change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Check mate

There was this period of my life when I was super into chess. Did loads of research on strategy and stuff. Thought I was good cz I always beat my grandfather until I grew older and he started to beat me without fail. Then only I knew the truth behind my so called wins.

I must say I have travelled a long way in chess. Learned many strategies, learned not to be careless but I had one persistent, lethal flaw. I could never checkmate promptly. Even when I was playing with 6 year old Mable I would eat up all her pieces and corner her and all. But it will take forever for that checkmate to come. (Sorry Mable. I was mean I know.)

This is my problem in chess and it never went away sometimes at the cost of the game. And in the same way I could never checkmate in life too. And the stakes are higher. Would it be too late when I finally stop that hesitating and planning and make that move?

Four years and counting

Jon just got his PR identity card number today. Which reminded me that I should check when I should renew mine. Fortunately this was easy to do as the date of issue was right behind the card. Next January it would be five years. Five years of PR-ship in Singapore. And up till now it's been five years of living in Singapore.

It's going to be harder and harder for foreigners over here to renew their five yearly stay. I know the White Paper says that there is going to be room made for more... But LKY's influence is going to come to pass one day. Replaced by younger politicians with strong sentiments having grown up to compete all the way with foreigners. Politicians who may feel for locals being ousted by their foreign competitors, who dislike having to share their facilities, who think it's unfair for people to treat Singapore like a giant multi national company that they could just come and leave.

There are many of these young people. And I do not say they are wrong. And I understand where they are coming from. And I also realize that PR-ship is akin to fence sitting: meaning that I draw the line to which how much I want to contribute to Singapore.

To me Singapore is not just 'the place I earn my money'. I have grown to love the way of life here, appreciate it's history and growth and tried to make sense of its political state and its people. I hope that by and by I would be able to do more for the community, for the economy and for the people around me coming from different countries. I have always wondered what I would choose if one day it all boils down to two alternatives: stay as a citizen, or leave as a foreigner. No PR fence sitting and half hearted commitments. Would I stay or would I leave?

I know in one way or other I had grown affectionate to this little red dot but in what way? The way Lot loved the city of Sodom? The way Jacob served Eygpt? The way David loved Jerusalem? Or the way Daniel served in Babylon - loyally he served but never forgot who he was and where he was from.

Still the truth is - this world is not my home. I know I am called to serve in a place but where is my harvest field? I can wonder and ponder, but it is all about making every here and now count.

Off Rest Rest in Singapore

Last weekend was one of those rare non-working weekends which I don't go home because I've just gone back not too long ago.

Spent Friday sleeping then staying back for supper after Bread Talk at church. Miss suppers we haven't had them for a long time and I seldom get to go out with Campus peeps now. I was so glad we could stay back late together.

Then Saturday was board games afternoon at Jon's prof's house with his students. Learned new games and got beaten by his seven year old little boy. Smart kid he is, understanding all those complicated games and picking up how to strategize. Needs to work on the concentration though. Still he's already extremely good for a kid. I wish I had as many board games in the house. Could see them piles up everywhere - so exciting! Then at night I had dinner at Kow Fu's place. As usual they sent us home piled with goodies. :) And full to the brim.

Had another session of board games with Andrew Joanne Rachel JonC and Geri after church service and lunch. Then we dinnered and movied with Andrew and Joanne, then played sparklers with Rachel. It was a great weekend catching up with people whose schedules seem to always operate on a parallel universe with mine. Loved the block 6 gathering for the 3 in 1 birthday celebration too, although it was almost one month late.

I wonder how long would I still be stuck in this shift cycle. And work is changing me, am I so easily succumbed to external pressures? Disappointment from untrustworthiness, emotional fluctuations, negative attitudes, negative words. I seem to be picking all these up. How to be salt , how to be light if I let myself be conformed not transformed in Christ? The solution is not escape from this environment but making a difference to it.

And the answer to this is all in my identity in Christ and the love and forgiveness I have received. To rejoice in the hope He gave. To be patient in suffering and constant in prayer.

Grown up

Been talking with Jon yesterday and I realized that the blur blur and impatient and relatively immature boy has grown up a big fat lot through the years. Especially recently.

And I realized I've been left behind from his social circle, his ministries, his growth and passions. I've allowed him to grow but yet I've never joined in that growth. Except for teaching him some Chinese words I think I hardly helped much.

I miss the days when there was less dryness less apathy and more drive. To be immature to be impatient to be aggravated but all for the things of God's kingdom. I have now become emotionally stable and understanding with regards to many weaknesses of other people. I guess this is good for compassion, but on the other hand I have been apathetic toward my own apathy.

And there were some things that he saw that were so true it hurt. I seriously think if I left myself be stagnant at the little things I am doing now 'to serve', if I don't drink deep from that fountain of truth and love soon we will breach into two different roads of growth altogether and I will be left standing still in the dust.

Thank God for iron that sharpens iron. Thank God for painful reminders. Thank God for promising to sanctify me wholly as He justified me wholly, and even though the process may hurt He will have me go through it. For nothing will satisfy me more than being drawn deeper and closer to Him.

A loss

I dropped my iPhone 5 somewhere and couldn't find it again yesterday. Wouldn't go through the details but now I'm pretty sure it's picked up already cz it's been turned off. And most likely it's bye bye forever. Add that to the tonne of mistakes I've been making at work the past week and finally an official deviation discovered yesterday, it's like the reverse of icing on the cake.

To be honest I am very shocked at my reaction after losing the phone, especially during the first few hours. I started to panic (which is normal), then called everyone around the world that could possibly help me wake poor Jon up, and had people logging in case IDs for me and stuff. Then when I slowly explained the whole thing to Andrew and Jon, I felt tears brimming in my eyes. It was then that I was both surprised and shocked. Why am I even crying over a phone? It's expensive and it's beautiful, and it was an apple of my eye. When I teared I remember missing it's white plastic cover, my screen saver, the sense of touch when I hold it, putting it back into it's pouch, putting it on my table next to me at work, etc. etc. etc. Yeah and the weirder thing was Jon said he also wanted to cry too cz he missed my phone as well.

Since when did I let my phone takeover such an emotional part of my life? I would have understood if I cried if I lost say an engagement ring, or NT or Hunny or Dee Dee. Or my keys, ID, or passport! But a phone is something that is replaceable (albeit it will burn a hole in my pocket some more just for a downgrade), impersonal (data will be retrieved), and only slightly inconvenient (substitute phone number available, internet available at home)And ya I was sad because I didn't get to go home today too.

Anyway it's a bright red alert signal for me to stop and think if I've been too attached to this phone for it's beauty and (relative) uniqueness. If I've been too reliant on it to fill my time and get things done for me. So much that when I just lose it, such a big part of myself is at a loss.

Still, thank God for showing me so much grace today. For my dear colleague Brenda who first phoned up everyone else, and called the cab company and called the company so many times all on her own initiative to fix up everything officially. (And hence, having to sleep late to boot). For Andrew who chatted with me to calm me down and for trying to call my housemates. For Jon thinking of all sorts of remedy for me to replace my phone and providing comfort, letting my dad know and getting a temp phone out. For my team leader who took up a tremendous amount of work so that I could settle down after the tragedy to mope and rant on FB and get things straightened out; and then despite being so tired, tried to comfort me through the shift. For Jerome who lent me his own pre-paid SIM card. For Campus-ers whom I know are supporting me through prayer even though I can't see their messages on Whatsapp anymore, I trust their faithfulness. For words of comfort and words of concern from my sister and friends.

Seriously if not for all these people I would just have fainted and MC-d at work. And I can't do that because it's a two man team that night shift meaning if one of us is down, nothing can go on at all (you need and analyst and a reviewer for all tests). So despite being 'incapacitated' I still managed to cover a considerable amount of work during shift. Thank God for presence of mind.

Some things just can't be bought with money, and fortunately, they are the things that I did not lose. The past week I've been moping about some people I've lost. This day showed me that many still love me. And God's own promise in Romans 8:28 kept floating in my mind throughout the whole ordeal, as well as His command to rejoice, always. By the end of the morning I was able to thank Him for this chance to go through this so that I could rejoice just for His sufficient grace, and for the fact that He allowed this to happen and He is in control. The question that kept on being pressed to me now was 'where is your testimony'?

I did far from well. But there's always sufficient grace for me to go on. Thank God.

Shield Me

It is a new day and I just want to thank God for being the God I desire. For bring who He is: beautiful, holy, to be desired above all things.

For I am still fighting my battles and when other desires and temptations pull my heart, the only thing I could do to stop myself being wrenched away was to turn my thoughts to Him. These deadly, attractive thoughts close to my heart, knowing where to target where I am most helpless, telling me that fighting back to starve those unlawful desires is only something that will court endless misery.

I feel like just lying down there awaiting to be devoured, too tired to move or fight. And fight I couldn't. This morning on the bus back home, my usual time of spacing out those thoughts desires and memories came to haunt me. I couldn't fight back to resist. But thank God He was faithful. I didn't have to fight. I only had to look.

It was not easy, remembering how to look, to want to look. For looking at God meant even more pain in denying myself. But the moment I chose to, those evil shadows fled. They fled, and I was at peace. My strength that was gone ebbed back in.

And then I understood what Jesus said when He said that His yoke is easy and His burden light. Yet two chapters after that I shuddered to read of the cruel death that John the Baptist went through. The way he was trivially beheaded thanks to the whims of a king's daughter who allowed herself to be used by her vengeful mother. How is such a yoke easy, God, I struggled. My heart went out to this faithful man's death.

My struggles can make my heart ache but they are nothing compared to martyrdom . Yet each day, many times a day, I must subject myself to death, putting to death the desires of sin on the cross, putting to death me who wants me to be pleased. Yet it became easy when I could draw strength from God, knowing that He is good, He knows, He understands, He prepared me for this and He is my reward.

You alone my strength, God. You alone my shield. You alone my heart's desire, and I long to worship You.

Intelligent manga

I googled those two words as in the blog title because I was again hooked to Liar Game the past few weeks. They have a new chapter in progress and I think while waiting I read through the previous chapters at least thrice.

I wanted to start on another manga besides Liar Game and so I found many comparisons between Liar Game and Death Note. Read the other one too to find out more but was really rather disappointed in terms of plot strategy.

I would say Death Note is superior to Liar Game in terms of artwork and character building. Liar Game characters are much less fleshed out but I like them just the way they are. The story of Death Note is more intricate and it has a darker plot which decreases its appeal to me although the plot is really well thought out.

To me Liar Game still wins by far and I seriously doubt I would find another manga or comic that would make me read it with such relish as compared to this one. And I would say the Liar Game story works best in the form of a manga as it is as opposed to say it being written as a book or played in a movie (it already had series and a film out).

My favorite character has been and is still Akiyama who is intelligent, cool, always in control and cares a lot for people although he pretends that he doesn't. I think the art depiction of him brings out that character although he could have been handsomer.

I really wonder how Liar Game would end. The plot has been genius so far. I am so curious for the ending but at the same time I don't wish for the series to close.

2013

Somehow it doesn't feel like a new year to me. Just a continuation of the old one. Maybe I'm just trying to deny the fact that i will be turning 26 this year. Getting older. I don't really mind getting older actually although it brings those much feared wrinkles and all the problems that come with aging. I just don't want certain other people to age along with me.

I haven't made many plans for the year actually. Still a bit lost about what areas I am going to serve in for the year, what new things I want to learn at work, what mission trips or activities to go for. It's still a big blank calendar waiting to be filled up. It's empty yet it's the emptiness that makes it messy.

This first month is already a bit different. Jon will not be around with me as much for camp and china mission trip, as well as another day for Gid and WM's Subang wedding dinner. I do feel a bit left out in a sense but I guess it's a good break as we have become somewhat too reliant on each other's company now. Or at least I am.

Also my only other girl colleague in my team is getting transferred out to another team for two months. This definitely means a change in team dynamics as she does kind of link all of us together in a way. From production schedule work seems to be piling up in the first few months of the year and overall the lab will be seeing a shortage in manpower. This means we need to work faster and at the same time there is also a higher need to be helpful, considerate, and forgiving. I hope the change will be for the good of my character.

Watched The Hobbit two days ago and I would say that overall I would take the movie (at least this first part) to be superior to the book in terms of story telling. This review merits a whole post so I will leave that to next time.