This is what I'm constantly thinking about in lab when it's very busy. I always look at what everyone has to do and ask myself: Can I take one more thing into my hands? Many months ago, I answered this question with a huge buffer in mind. I would take that one extra thing and have this much time to spare, just in case anything crops up.
But now it's the opposite. I take this extra thing up and find that I can't cope with it after all.
**rant starts**
Today it felt just like that. Just when I have managed my emotions from work, I'm back home with another piece of news: Our landlord's daughter apparently had some mis-communication with him and wants to move in next month. We have to move out in August. Meanwhile we'll all cram together, seven in the house for July.
Which means that the dreadful house-hunting process is going to begin all over again. Seriously, after job hunting I was beginning to feel that house hunting is the next terrible thing ever. The feeling of waiting for something you want but is always out of reach. Despite many agents bugging me on my phone during work hours and my weird sleep hours and all (which is superlatively irritating), none of them seem to come up with an affordable deal.
And then we thought we could stay until near end of the year, and I was so relieved to send messages to those agents letting them know that the house-hunt has been halted. End of phone calls during inconvenient hours. Temporal end to hours of net-surfing and cold calls. And visiting properties. And now instead of having one month to do it, I only have half the time, especially since Jon and myself are flying to Philippines next month.
And then. Work. I've always prided myself for being emotionally sturdy but I couldn't get over today, until I had the end of the day to settle down. One wrong septum put into a vial cap by me out of almost a hundred had set off an unexpected chain of reactions and resulted in a lab investigation. I don't think my supervisor put me as directly responsible for it although I confessed later but I still feel bad for not focusing. It was very busy and I actually forgot that I had to focus even on small little things like this.
Also the feeling of not being liked, or being thought responsible for something I was not. I thought I was strong enough to handle things like this. But it turns out that I'm not. I can easily harden myself, but it will also make me hardened towards other people. Is it better to remain vulnerable and sensitive, and risk getting hurt like this? I can't dislike people, I can't, and I won't. But I keep small little things in my heart that is not healthy. That I cannot help.
I actually straightened this out on the bus on the way back, but then it came back with the move-out news. Which I kind of took in a daze just like the way I do when lab work comes crashing down in a mountain-load. You just feel like, come what may, come what might, I don't care any more. I don't care how my rental is going to hike, how far I'm going to travel to work the next time we move. I just want it done and over, and pay my bills every month.
And yet I feel very selfish because now everyone is being very kind and helpful and recommending nice agents and stuff. And Jon and Jerome are already working on problem-solving, and I know this is super stressful for them too. Poor Alicia has to move twice also. And oh, the big bad problem of MOVING our things looms in the not-so-far horizon.
**rant over**
So the problem(s) are stated as above, vaguely or otherwise. The solution is easy, the same one I always think when I see status messages on Facebook, short versions of my rants above everyday. Why are you a Christian and you are still complaining? Why don't you start having faith and depending on God? Why do you know that God is for you and no one can be against you, yet you moan and groan? Why do you look out for strength from outside, when all you need is in the inside?
Yes that's me. Knowing solutions but having problems with application.
You know, after thinking through, the solution is actually obvious. It's not whether I can take one more load or not. It's whether I can put down one more. And another. And all. And trust.
I was so upset today. And I was telling myself: that I am different, I shouldn't be reacting the same way as other people with the same problem. Because I have God. That's why I can afford to be vulnerable. That's why I can be honest. That's why I can take things up, not complain when things go wrong, always be joyful, always be thankful.
Simon always says knowledge goes from the head to the heart. Thank God for that for even now at this moment when i remember the promises from His Word which never fails, I feel that returning. The thankfulness. The joyfulness. The dependence that when I have nowhere to go, up is always the place to look. That He is able although I am weak. And nothing goes without His permission, and all things work for the good of those who love Him.
And right now, this moment. I am just putting all those aside and thanking Him for being Him. For unlike my momentary fleeting feeling of being 'all alone' earlier, I realize that I am not. He is always there for me, and for those who love Him. And even now He is with me through all these kind people who are trying to make the move a little easier, and through the little things I can do for people to make their day and mine a little better.
The problems still exist. But because I know who my God is, they are merely opportunities to make me grow. Thank you God for loving me.
