Uphill Stride

I need to walk close to You to tide through this challenging time.

The challenge of learning to bear each other's burdens.
The challenge of not just loving but caring.
The challenge of not putting myself first.
The challenge of faith in letting go of something good to expect something better.
The challenge of doing things alone.
The challenge of saying goodbye.
The challenge of patriotism from an unregistered voter.

Such a difficult time. But it's exciting. Because it means I can lean on nothing, nothing else but You.

And it means I taste how much of 'everything' You are to me.

And with them He dined

I wonder how Jesus must have felt living and dining with sinners.

The tax collectors who made the poor poorer. The prostitutes (and men who made use of them) who viewed sex as something that could be bought and sold. The Pharisees who looked down on everyone else. The normal people like us, who looked average on the surface but with hearts that burned with hatred, deceit, discontent, lawlessness, disregard for parents, disregard for God.

How He felt when He cried that He longed to gather Jerusalem under His wings, but they would not let Him.

For He came to love them and die for their sins. And to look at them live in their sins, refusing to turn away. To know that some of them are so deeply loved, yet chose to reject that love. To see them love instead that sin that He paid the price for with His own blood.

It must be way way more than the hurt I felt today. The hurt of seeing and knowing how much people need you yet glory in their sin. The hurt of loving them, and loving Your laws, and yet not judging them. The hurt of not being able to do anything to help. To see the lost who know not they are lost.

When the hands are itching for action, the mouth knows not what to say. And the heart calls out: you know what to do. Trust. And pray. Love. And pray.

Pray because that's the only thing I can do. Pray because that's the best thing I can do. To pray means to trust in faith. And doesn't the Bible say that the just will live by that daily manna called faith?

Dear God I trust that you love them more than I do, and I know You are mightier than I could ever ever imagine. I trust in Your love and goodness. Thank you for You.

Do Not Be Moved...

... by lesser lights and fleeting shadows.

Maybe life is realistic. But as realistic as life is, God is a truer, surer, reality.

As I struggled in my heart to let go, I had my answer as I remembered that Jesus let go of heaven to drink that cup of suffering for me, for us.

He let go when He had everything to lose but nothing to gain. But when I let go in faith, I am assured that I have nothing to lose but everything to gain. He let go to love those who cannot pay Him back. I let go as a response of having received that love.

Oh Lord can I pray the prayer of Elisha for his servant. Open my eyes to see Your chariots of fire.

It is not a sacrifice. Just a response.

Set apart

For I believe that Christians should not only be set apart in terms of holiness, but also in our source of joy and hope and love.

For I can preach no real joy apart from Christ. No real hope apart from Christ. But in Christ there is joy everlasting. In Christ there is hope everlasting. And no love worth having apart then ones being made eternal in Christ.

That's why sometimes I find it hard to motivate people in suffering and in need to carry on. Because the only concrete, practical reason I see to make a difference to yourself and to the world is Christ. Anything other fleeting reason is like catching the wind. Futile work that is a vapor blown away tomorrow. Futile happiness that is but an illusion. Futile hope that is extinguished with the lamp of life.

Why rejoice, why laugh, why love if everything is put to end by death and the grave. Why exist. Why work to save lives when life will end one day. Why walk in a universe that is now here but one day fold away.

If nothing was eternal, none of this will make sense and it doesn't make a difference does it, a person who changes the world with a cell that cannot be fertilized.

As Apostle Paul rightly puts it, if Christ were false, we would be the most pitiful people on earth. Because people at least have hope in the things of this life. But our hope is in Jesus, therefore we forsake the things of this life.

And yet it is because of Jesus, of His promise of forgiveness eternal, love eternal, hope eternal and life eternal; does anything in this world be worth anything at all. In fact it is worth everything because of Him.

What joy what hope what meaning the message of grace and salvation brings. Oh, come taste and see of this goodness!

Motivation

When I was doing my industrial attachment, the thing that stayed through in my mind was this quote by George Merck: We try never to forget that medicine is for the people. It is not for the profits. The profits follow, and if we have remembered that, they have never failed to appear. 

George Merck quoted this in 1950. Today MSD is not just 'Merck' but a merger of many different pharmaceutical companies across the decades. Today it is not Germany my company is in, but Singapore. Today people produce medicine for different reasons and different motivations. What George Merck had in mind back then may or may not be in the minds of my upper management who run and determine the direction of MSD Singapore, or MSD worldwide as a whole. I don't know, and there is so little a small fry like me can control.

But since that day of orientation as a student I have held on to this motivation in my work - to give because medicine is for the people. To serve the world in my own little way, this way.

There are many other reasons why I'm in my job. But this is the main 'industrial' reason I've held on to, and this is why I've always leaned heavily towards staying in the pharmaceutical line after I graduated, limited though choices and openings were. I thank God for this chance to serve in MSD for close to two years. I thank God for this chance to play my little part in this industry, to feel a part of this industry. 

But as I sink down in my little comfort zone, taking in my pay month by month, I yearn to know more of the days ahead. I hope MSD will continue in the direction it has always said it will go. To work because medicine is for the people. What we save on, we save for the social well being of people. What we give our best to, it is the same. Not just because it's just a job, just a profit earning avenue, just something we do everyday.

After I entered university, I discarded the notion that there are such things as 'dreams'. Rather, I took up the notion that when you're given lemons, lemonade is the thing you're supposed to make. So just sit down, wait and see what is given. Lemons, apples, bananas, and then make what you can out of it. It never occurred to me that I should 'dream to be given a lemon, so that I can make lemonade'. Yet before I graduated, I slowly had a wanting to be handed over lemons. Yes I'll take anything else, but can I have lemons please, if possible? And miraculously, despite many odds, I was given lemons! And I started to make lemonade. 

My lemon back then was to serve in a pharmaceutical organization that makes a difference to the world. And then through this organization, make the difference I can in my own tiny way. But the question now is how long can I continue making lemons? And how long is the lemonade going to remain the way it is? Can I, dare I, could I, should I, continue to dream about lemonade making? Are dreams allowed? Are dreams selfish?

Dear God if I can I do want to keep on producing lemonade. It has given me such joy and fulfillment. But I know for sure that Your good is gooder than my good. And no matter what you have me make, I know it will be best for me, and more importantly, it will be the best for Your glory to be seen. I pray for Your providence and direction in doing what You will me to do, for the world, unto Your glory.

转角

休息了好多天，听到好多消息，想了好多好多。昨天还以为自己找到了方向。今天又怎么是失落惆怅和迷茫。

我总是从孤独一个人的生活里学会找到自己，然后碰到一些可爱的人，依赖着他们成长。他们离开后，我又得重寻那曾经自立，曾经坚强的我。

总是告诉自己这路不是第一次走过。也总是在重新上路时觉得自己很累。

也好。也好让这个长被左右的人找到自己的原则。也好，在孤独的时候重新发现自己的价值观，自己的定格，自己该去从的方向。

也好让自己闭起双眼勇敢坠落，掉如一个叫信心的网罗，什么也无法依靠抓紧，只等待一双叫爱的手搂接着我。

我现在仿佛失去侍奉的方向，事业的方向，梦想的方向。我知道我站在一个转折点，却不懂这一转什么时候开始了，什么时候会结束，会如何结束。

当上帝让摩西知道他不能走进迦南地，要在旷野继续绕圈圈时，摩西没有心存不甘。他何尝也不迷茫惆怅看不见未来。可是他最后到了比迦南地更美丽的地方。他每天看到比迦南更荣美的上帝。我相信上帝以自己满足了摩西对迦南地的期待。

主我期待你的迦南。可是我更想看到你。

My long break

One day of annual leave, followed by two days of off-rest and five days of mc (wisdom teeth extraction).

Would spare you the gory details of my extraction and recovery (probably not that gory if you are away from my perspective but I was really freaked out). And it's the first time of my life I've been stitched!

Caught up with my lag in my one year Bible reading at home. Jon treated me like a princess which I am really thankful for. Plastered tissue boxes and waste bins everywhere, stocked the fridge with yoghurt and ice cream, crushed my pills, cooked porridge, and took leave to spend time with me. Then there was these rush of SMS's checking in on how I was and saying stuff like 'you're so brave! Two at a go!' When in actual fact I was forced to go through it. What can one do with two threatening decaying teeth of wisdom right? Anyway I do feel really blessed.

Tomorrow is back to work season but I really hope it can be back to eat soon. Not that I crave eating normal food as much, but rather I crave the normal sensation of 'being able to eat in the ordinary way again'. Though I'm glad I'm far from the stage now when I tearfully swallowed my first meal of ice cream (my favorite food, imagine!), I still long for my tongue to be free again and that flap at the side to close up so that I could eat other things without worrying I will hurt myself too. 能吃是福。真的。

I've been thinking about other things to but some thoughts and postulations should best be kept to myself till they are confirmed to be reality. Dear God, Thy will be done in every station, and all things will work for the good for us who love You. Be merciful to those outside Your kingdom too, that they may experience this love and goodness of Yours. Not in abundance or security in the things of this life but everlasting security and assurance in You.