My last (short) blog post in 2010

Happy new year to all :) May this be a year of many new beginnings. This post is to specially remember sis Mi-en and hubby who will be joined together as husband and wife tomorrow morning. May God's grace be upon their union.

Hope I can blog more this coming year too! Nothing too much to say. But many thoughts to gather.

Last round of CORS

This is the last round of CORS bidding for my module and for the first time, I file for graduation. Somehow ever since my departure from SP/Merck when my industrial attachment ended, I seem to just take these last times by the stride now. My last school-like semester is going to be punctured with job-hunting, accommodation-hunting, poster making and The Presentation. And of course, there's our final year activities in Raffles Hall.

I have one S/U left, and I do badly want to take one more UE. However, looking at my current workload, it would/might be better to dedicate more time to hunt for a job/place to stay instead, or learn something interesting that doesn't need commitment, since even an extra A+ from a UE can't move my honours up anymore.

So bye bye UE. And bye bye CORS. Bidding ends today for me.

And hello 2011. I'd always thought you've never come. For one, your coming means I (finally) end my formal education. And for another, you make me feel old, as you mark the coming of the second 'Rabbit year' that I'm conscious of.

End of IA

My IA ends! And I think either it's my last day or something but I feel so happy! Not because I'm leaving (not so fun being jobless after all), but it's because once you sound the bell that you're leaving, everyone treats the day as if it's your birthday or something. They are all extra nice :)

And so Gail wants to thank:

• Her beloved supervisor for letting her go off from work early, and being incredibly sweet to her throughout the internship, and for every single thought and care for her intern's convenience.
• Her quality director for instantly presenting her with three of his name cards, and added her as a friend on FB with the reminder that she can always contact him if she has questions/need job/anything. And for the goodbye hug he gave.
• Her fun-filled Exp lab & Packg lab chemists for letting her stay in their lab for an hour plus, (and held up their work by talking and listening to them step on each other), played the last table soccer with her (and tried to let her win), for treating her to yogurt and drinks, and for making capsule sorting an enjoyment. And she appreciates the fact that they (or one of them) initially planned to trick her over to play table soccer yesterday too. :p
• Her makan colleagues who purposely asked her to makan for a last time and gave her a goodbye present.
• The very nice Uncle who drives the internal shuttle bus, who wanted to treat her for lunch, but unfortunately her schedule was already filled. Will lunch with him another day though - has taken contact down!
• Her fellow IA students in Merck and SP who sent farewell messages, chocs, and goodbye well-wishes.
• Everyone who wished her goodbye, took pics with her, and liked her card aka bookmarks.
• Everyone who made SP a place to be missed and remembered.

I miss SP already. Though of course, I want to go home for hols too!

Moving on

Another phase of my internship (a.k.a. capsule sorting) is over. I don't really adore capsule sorting that much (but someone has to do it), but at least they were colored. I finished almost all by myself within 4 days - and taking my own sweet time on top of that. I don't feel like leaving the lab I was working with, because it's full of fun young people! (Yes, they call themselves 'aunties' and 'uncles' but actually they are all less than 10 years older than me). The lab I was in is actually a combination of two different labs from different plant sites. Since I was working with packaging, I got to visit an actual packaging lab too, and the chemists there (who were also very nice).

Today when a colleague asked if I would be coming back again tomorrow, I was so sad I had to say no. (Would have to freeze in front of my computer seat instead, as my work in that plant site was over.) That colleague has been through this capsule-sorting process with me, and all through those 4 days I was around, I had talked to her a lot about a multitude of things (basically about life-after-school). I'm going to miss her company a lot. It was very kind of her to bring me around when she was visiting her colleagues in the other plant site for tea break and such, because she knew I was bored.

I guess it's only after these four days working in the Biotech facility that I realized how much I crave company in my workplace. Take my desk for example. It is right beside the door, isolated from all the other seats (but at least I get to say hi to the people walking through the door, and I'm always the first-pass for 'who's seat is where' when unfamiliar people come looking for other colleagues). The only seat near me (behind me) is empty. =.= I only get to talk a little bit through Instant Messaging or when other interns come up to deliver stuff or look for the secretary.

Location apart, I guess I am to blame also for not being naturally chatty and friendly, and taking the initiative to talk to people (it gets rather tiring making forced conversations after a while). I think the main problem is the age-gap, and that most people already formed their social circles too. The thing is, while I can talk well with people one-to-one, in a group I tend to be more quiet, mainly because I feel that it is not nice to interrupt when more senior colleagues are conversing. I guess I need to make a small change to this somehow. It helps to be able to communicate naturally (instead of making small, polite exchanges only), to people not from my generation.

Anyway. I shall miss the free tea during teabreaks, the rather frequent breaks, and the conversation and lightheartedness of the lab. :( What's more the air-con isn't so icy-cold too. But on the bright side, I was really glad to know these people before I ended my internship. It somehow, made the experience more complete, if you know what I mean. :)

Some Quotes To Share

Thanks Hue Wen for sharing via email. Just decided to do some short sharing with my view on some of them.

Sometimes we think we know best. But remember it is our Father in Heaven that looked down on centuries and centuries of men and the way they live. He designed our life and knows in what way it will be best for us. Ultimately life is not for our glory but His.

Hence the need for vigilance, vigilance, vigilance. Only those with oil in their lamps, only whose who are ready will be able enter the Kingdom.

Be not hasty to judge, for there is much about ourselves to be judged about. A reminder to self to control 1) words, and 2) thoughts of judgement towards others.

A place where God often shows His providence and causes man to turn to Him (and those who do will not find His promises empty). However, it would be best if God is not always treated as a last resort for the desperate. Again, reminder to self.

Those who preach/give advice carry such a burden. A reminder to self to live in what is taught to others. A reminder to self also, to be less judgmental towards those in a position to preach - as it is always not easy to live it up.

Always true, even in the darkest and driest of spiritual grounds.

True again - sometimes I think He even disqualifies the qualified so that when He works through them, His glory will shine instead.

In fact, a rough passage is promised. Without molding how is the potter's clay shaped?

There are people who like to question all the time. I just believe that eventually, the answers will come themselves, and we shall be satisfied.

This quote is pretty cute. There are no coincidences.

Yes, and I should be bigger than who I am now.

Or my version of this will be: you know how big a person is when you know who he depends on.

Nothing that cannot be accomplished; even defeats are meant for a purpose.

Be thankful, under all circumstances, for all this is not coincidence, but grace.

Prayer is not just about meeting needs, it's an opening to see how to meet more needs.

Or there will be a resounding crash.

Block 6 Family Photo :)

Miss our Block 6 family loads. We're missing Archi Boy & Archi girl here. :P

Things That Happened in December

Note: View available pics in my Facebook profile. (Not a complete set.)

Swee Yee's birthday celebration

It was a bomb of a birthday celebration with sparklers and surprises. Too bad all my pictures were blurred because of all the smoke we created. Birthday girl was very overwhelmed.

Tangled movie date.

A must-watch. Free tickets thanks to Jon's MNO award :p Funny and sweet enough for a Disney movie, but I have this feeling that it could have gone further. Watched with Boss & Wing Mei too.

Farewell lunch with my supervisor

Was treated for lunch at Jurong Point. Super nice! Also learned not to take anything at all for granted. Every chance you get might be one deprived from someone else when resources are scarce, and it doesn't mean that you're more deserving of it all the time. Be grateful, and make the most of each opportunity, for yourself, and for every person the opportunity was denied of.

Mind Cafe birthday celebrations

Went to celebrate Alex & Piang's birthdays. Free games for girls because it was ladies' nights. Had fun especially when viewing everyone's expressive artwork during Pictionary. Loved to see Alex, Li Wei, Phea and Shu Lin again.

Pill inspection

One of my current projects at work. It's actually sai-kang work, but the people made it so fun. Love the lab chemists in the lab I did this, because they were so inclusive. Played table soccer with them. I'm bad at it, but it was a good bonding session. More people I will miss in SP!

A New Identity

I thought I was going to leave SP soon, but SP left sooner than I did.

This morning when I was taking the internal shuttle bus to Merck (or MSD South), I saw the SP logo and name at the entrance of the Biotech Facility being taken down. The one on Tablet was still intact. On the way back, I noticed that the API Facility which I worked in already had the Merck logo up with its new address at the grand entrance.

SP had officially become part of Merck (in business terms) yesterday. Hence, the entrance logo changes and the address change.

I don't know why but I felt a bit sad when I saw the logos being taken down. SP may not be the best of the best pharmaceutical organizations out there, but it had a wonderful legacy, and it had made its distinct mark and contributions in the industry. On the internet, it had very good reviews from its employees too. Most people who worked there loved its culture. And they gave suggestions for improvement, but ended their comments saying that there's no point for suggestions since there was already new ownership of the organization.

So officially starting from this month, SP is no more. There is only Merck International GmBH. It would be hard to wipe out SP entirely from the buildings though. I looked at the door puller of the DPI entrance and saw that the handles were elegantly shaped 'S and P'. I wonder how they are taking that out. I saw our walls are still colored yellow and red. The corridors and office layout were very much different from that of MSD yet. The people are kind of in between - some using the new green MSD lanyards, while others still keeping their red ones. Everyone works extra hard due to staff shortage for the new combined company, but I still hear the terms 'we', and 'us', versus 'they' and 'them', on and off. There is still much cultural and artifact harmonizing to be done.

In a business module I did last semester, Prof. Kai did mention that people need time to grieve when there is change, and we must give them that time. I'm not sure whether people or they just take merger in their stride as this flux is getting common at this day and age; panicking only when it affects their interests. But having worked half a year in SP, I do feel a lot for its legacy, although I like the Merck legacy as well. Hopefully these two organizations would progress to greater heights after they wed, for the welfare of its stakeholders and the development of the local and international pharmaceutical industry.

Last Day of November 2010

I know these blog titles are pretty pointless, but I'm not feeling creative at the moment.

And oh! I simply have to blog about this! I have the awesomemest supervisor! (And by the way, 'awesomemest' is not a word because words cannot describe how nice she is!) She asked her husband who was in Australia to get me a nice Christmas present! I really appreciated this because firstly, I'm just a temporary intern; secondly, the present is super nice and not mini-sized; and thirdly I'm not even around for Christmas so she needn't have bothered in the first place. But she brought it over to office today and said she wanted to give it to me this week because I won't be seeing much of her for the rest of the week. Argh I will never ever get a Boss as sweet as this again ever. Touched to the max.

And today was quite fun because Mei came over to SP for a plant tour, and we had lunch together! Thanks Mei for enduring SP food with me, hehe. Really enjoyed her companionship throughout the semester, taking exactly the same modules, doing exactly the same research, and complaining and discussing the same stuff. And I found out where the SP clinic is today. At least I know where that is before I leave.

And did I mention I'm already missing SP already? I think I did in my last post. :p I hope one day I will get the chance to go back, and then the people, and the culture won't change. But then I don't think that will happen in near future. There's only one mistake I regret making in this place (and that's apart from all the typos I made in my work). Once, at the first few weeks of my internship, I was walking under the sun from one plant facility back to the one my office was in, and there was this kind and sweet lady in a yellow car who purposefully stopped to pick me up without asking who I am! She was driving from that plant facility to mine. After chit-chatting with her all the way, I went back to seat realizing one thing: I forgot to ask her name! Therefore, I shall henceforth severely remind myself, when talking to someone, especially your colleagues, ask and remember their names. I never forgot this, and I never forgot too the lift that was so kindly extended to me.

I remember someone said since people have to part, why meet (In Chinese). But I'd rather have many meetings and partings than no meetings at all, even though partings can be very sad. This SP experience really made me think a lot - and I make up my mind that every time I meet people, I would take something away, and leave something behind. There are so many lessons we can learn from people, even the worst of them. And there are so many ways we can contribute to their lives too, again, even to the worst among them (and again how much better are we ourselves?). It's not easy to always remember to make a difference. But if we do take the effort to do it, you won't know how much it means to another. Just like that lady who gave me a lift - she might not know but it is going to be one of my fondest memories of SP when I leave.

The Last Three Weeks

There are only three weeks left and I'm already missing SP :(( I don't like waking up at 6 plus in the morning, or not getting to go home for hols. But I really like the working environment (at least the small sphere I'm around) and the people there.

One thing that I really appreciated in SP is the willingness of some people to give compliments, and their capacity to share. I used to think it is not a culture of young people to give compliments (but they still can't beat my supervisor in that sense), but I realized that the chemists from both labs I'm working with are very generous with that. Instead of an official 'thank you' they took the trouble to comment on positive aspects of my work, however small it was, as being fast, complete etc. That is so unlike our project work teams in NUS whereby people hardly acknowledge the extra effort others put in so that they know it, except maybe when they fill in peer review forms. It makes Mother Theresa's quote so apt: There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.

Now I have to make this very clear - I do not lack love and appreciation. (I will be severely whacked on the head by many if I say I do.) And I daresay if there's no one to appreciate my efforts in something, I am 'zi lian' enough to appreciate myself if what I've done is really worthwhile. But there are many who do, and few who give what they need. Instead of just looking out for yourself and how your contribution is valued all the time, it would do good to yourself and others to do some degree of appreciation from time to time, even to people you're not familiar with. Sometimes things like this go a long long way.

Three more weeks - time runs so fast, and therefore it's really important to make each day and hour count :)

Exams Are Over

Exams are over and I want to go De-coders! De-coders is a board game cafe. Usually we go for a $8 four-hour session with free flow of drinks. And by now I know how to play quite a number of board games, enough to fill 10 hours of one round each I think! :p I'm seriously a board-game addict. What's more I just saw the alumni gang playing Bang! in the upper lounge two days ago, and I instantly missed Bang! So anyone interested please PM my Facebook account, as long as I'm in Singapore! (Should have min of 4 persons to be fun.) But I'm not going to be free to go out until after next Tuesday evening at least.

I usually don't like talking about my papers after exams, but I quite like the two modules (actually it's three, including IA) I'm taking this semester so here goes! HR is quite heavy for 3 MC, but I don't mind because it's 'my type' of module. Much 'critical thinking' and debating involved. And what I like about it is you can actually disagree (or agree partially, and disagree partially) with the readings and still get high marks if you argue it nicely! I wish I was in some course that would allow me to take this sort of module all the time, but I wonder what career (besides teaching/counselling), would accommodate for this sort of 'thinking skill' all the time? It doesn't seem very useful for a full-time job.

The other module I'm taking is a level 5, on Downstream Processing of Biochemical Products. The module is nice, the workload is OK, the professor teaches well. HOWEVER, we are taking with a bunch of Master's students, and other undergraduates who are star-learners. Mid-terms are awfully tricky and I died in them. The term paper was OK for me, and for everyone else. The final paper was OK too, just that from my postulation, half the class would have the capability to score 100% for it, and unfortunately that doesn't include me! But oh well, it could have gotten much worse, so thank God for the finals! I really like this module from the bottom of my heart - it's just that bell curves are cruel things most of the time in Chem Eng modules.

IA is going to end in another month, and I have a load of preparatory work to do before ending it. For instance, I believe my supervisor deserves a really nice souvenir for all the love she put in coaching me! And I don't know how, but I do plan to do something for each person I know too because they've all been so nice! But how to do something nice for everyone and at the same time make it cost effective? I have this LONG list of names I've compiled, and I have only one month to think of what to do. T__T

And yup, on top of IA at the back of my mind I still have to take care of my research with Prof Lee. Next year is Design Project semester and Final Year Project Presentation. They do have to end our final semester with a big bang like this. Then after that graduation! And a new myriad of possibilities ahead of me.

Yesterday when I was studying, my mind couldn't just stick in one place, and I was fleetingly thinking of a range of interesting part-time jobs I wish I could do if there is an opening, and the pay was decent. There are things I feel that would be really fun to do if they could feed me at least before I get a proper job. Some of them are here:

1. Do translation (preferably from Chinese to English) for a drama series/ movie! I don't know how this pays, but some of the translations I've seen are really horrible, and I believe I could do a way better job than that. And it would be fun too. Book translations are welcome too.

2. Tutor a kid who genuinely wants to learn. Music or school-work (which is not beyond my capabilities). I actually love to teach you see. Especially subjects like History, basic Biology, and maybe essay writing.

3. This is not exactly a job - but I want to join some short-term mission trip or something - local or overseas. I seriously lack experience from serving in this field! No payment required - I'm willing to dig my pocket money out for this (provided that the cost is not explosive).

4. Teach a kid/adult how to improvise in music lessons. Must be willing to learn, easy to teach AND not take my efforts for granted. Unfortunately, you need to pay for this though. :p

5. Play board games and get paid? No such dream job in existence though. T__T

6. Some methodological sai-kang work (maybe for a few days only) - such as packing goodie bags, data entry, documentation work, report writing, grammar checking for thesis only. Must be a well-paid sai-kang job. :p

That's about what I can think off at the moment. Now to get out of dreamland and back to research work. :D

Between Week 13 and Reading Week

As I've mentioned many, many times, this is the first time my exams end in reading week itself! Unfortunately I can't lie back and enjoy after that, because I still have to rush Prof. Lee's research project, and of course work from Mondays to Fridays (without early leave for lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays).

Still, I will miss my IA a lot when it's over. :( My supervisor is really very nice, appreciative, and understanding; and I do like the people and the working environment in SP. Every time I feel like 'oh no, I'm going to mess this up...', people there are just so ready to teach and put you at ease when you're doing things you've never done before. If my future working environment is like this (provided that I have a little more assignments than I already have), it would be perfect!

HR project is officially over, ending with a class presentation and a class photo. Behold myself and my group members. :p Really learned much about communication, and people management through this project. It was really messed up with a lot of subtle conflicts, and everything was extra difficult because everyone was friends with each other. But we did end on amicable terms, and the preparation process for the presentation was quite fun. My greatest regret for this project is probably the fact that I didn't get to talk to Fuchao much and only knew how to write his Chinese name after the presentation.

Just want to specially appreciate YH for his honesty throughout the project, and Mei for sharing all the same burdens and frustrations with me, and for being so supportive. Also, our HR lecture, for being so nice and caring towards her students (she really goes out of the way to do so), for teaching us so many salient applications of communication and people management, and for making everything so fun :) She even gave us a bar of Toblerone each!

Our group members (in no particular order in the photo): Yew Hong, Fuchao, Kasun, Mei, Wendy, Shi Hui and myself.

Yesterday there was this email about our design project group allocation rules, and everyone went into a frenzy with group formations. Trust Chem Engineer wannabes like us to give such instantaneous reaction towards updates like this. The domino effect was, I had to start asking around too as I was always one of those left-behinds who 'filled in the gaps' and was grouped with random people in technical group projects. Decided to take the first offer available for safety's sake, and I was really happy that Anna called me just now. My being glad was not so much that I had a group at last (though yes, I was happy to have something definite like this to hang on to), but it was rather because I was accepted so appreciatively. And I really thank God for a very important reminder that she gave me regarding my perspective of the group work, or even school work as a whole.

Exams are on Thursday and Saturday - so I'd better continue bucking up for both papers! Hopefully I'll make the fullest of my school life before I graduate. :)

LKK

We had our LKK Getai performance two days ago! LKK = Lao Kok Kok by the way, a term coined by Raffles Hall Final Years, for ourselves.

It was fun to work with our Block 6 Gang again (that's how we coined the gang in Year 1). Not everyone who was originally inside is still around. And there were some of us who joined in and somehow we formed this big group and we did a skit to spoof on certain key hall personnel. I loved the fact that we all got to work together to prepare something like this.

At first I thought the performance was going to be horribly lame - mainly because we lack contributions of talented script writers. Piang did the front part, and I did the back part (that was the lame part) on the Q&A. I am not made to write witty dialogues, at least not formally on paper. I still remember in Year One where Boss mentioned that it was a pity that my sabo skills did not make its way into my writings for RH-Ed. The articles I wrote were very descriptive, but however, boringly politically correct.

Anyway, the audience liked our performance! Thanks to everyone who let their hair down. It is something I still can't do, despite it being my fourth year in RH. But I really do admire people who can do so.

I really admired the spirit of those who contributed a whole lot of time and effort to our Getai. It required sacrifice, and it was that sacrifice that brought about its success. I remembered poor Gant and Brian leading the meeting despite the reluctant expressions of our semi-bored seniors. It is really because of people putting effort into hall, that hall can reach new heights every year.

I collected my Phoenix Magazine today. It had three (lengthy) articles of mine inside. My writing style had not evolved much from Year One. That was why I thought it was more apt for me to write for Phoenix rather than RH Ed. But it seemed like now RH Ed has evolved to adopt political correctness also, and is now part of Phoenix. However, I saw one distinct difference from the way I write now, than the way I used to write. Instead of merely shedding stuff in a positive light, my thoughts are more critical now than it used to be. The difference is really very subtle, but I really felt it was there as I read through my writings.

My favorite part of the magazine must have to be the two pages nearing the end where Pei Yiing drew a two page spread of her design memories in hall. Those colors and pictures really brought back a line of memories since Year One, and it should be even more so for her as they reflected her actual experiences. The pages where the Final Year comments really left me thinking: What is hall to me now... and how has it shaped my life?

I have detached myself from Hall too long to answer this question, although I am physically within it. Hall is merely a definition of the memories between me and my close block mates; as well as the friends I made through activities, some who are still in Hall, others who are not. As I approach my last semester in Hall, should I play my role differently to be more involved, or just stick within the little circle I'm comfortable in? I'm still not sure. Uni life is a tug-of-war of commitments and priorities. I need much wisdom to make the right choices.

More Potentials

Was just thinking today that I had the makings of a good secretary. I'm starting to become my supervisor's personal organizer. Up to the point that I can now guess contents of docs I don't even have access to in the first place.

How much pay does a secretary earn? Not that I think I'll end up being one, but if I could, I won't mind.

Anyway, I've been thinking that I'm now looking at things from the wrong perspectives. All this lateral focus is killing me. Where's my upward focus? Once I think up, every burdened is lightened. But I always, forget, to think upwards. Until today when I got this packet of tissues at the MRT stop advertising Pastor Tang's evangelistic meetings. I didn't feel like going, but it reminded me, God is there, God is in charge, and my thoughts and actions these days were too self-centered to be worthy of being His child.

I need to focus on the right thing, once again. And then petty little things like academics and the future won't matter anymore, because what matters most, need to matter most to me.

Another nice thing that blessed my heart this week, is that I can't help noticing and feeling, how sweet some of my colleagues were :) This is pretty random. But life is always prettier with random little observations like this.

And my spirits were lifted today because I actually managed to finish reading up some articles for my downstream processing essay. Sigh. Give me research papers over patents any time. Patents are just so horrible to read.

The Other Side You Never See

A line I've always heard since primary school is this: 你会生气的咩?

I've seen a lot of people get angry, but not many people has really seen me in full blast of anger, except Jon, and my family members. I don't think Daddy or my grandparents have seen it before. Mummy has seen my anger, but not directed towards her, but my sisters. Dawn and Mable has experienced it before, since it is impossible for siblings not to quarrel. But after they grew up (especially these few years) we don't quarrel any more. Now the only person I quarrel with (sometimes), is Jon.

Now please don't misunderstand that Jon is the major irritant of my life. In fact it's just the opposite because we always get things resolved after quarreling and it brings us closer to each other. But these years of the lack of anger expression has robbed me of my ability to clear things upfront with people. I get upset, irritated, and angry; but I don't respond because I don't know how another person's response will be.

This is actually a rather toxic response - because other people won't actually know that I'm offended, and they take me for granted, emotionally. Because Gail is never angry, they forget to be emotionally sensitive in that sense. I show other emotions like tiredness, frustration, beh-song ness but seldom anger, especially to the person I am directly communicating with. But I do feel angry, sometimes. What can you say? I'm a girl and girls are brimming with emotions. So people, please remember that I have XX chromosomes and particular hormones in my body making me capable of anger too (but thankfully not aggression).

My grandmother always says: 家姐好好脾气 (Gail has a good temper, in Cantonese). Yes I am never, irritated with grown-ups in my family because I feel deeply indebted towards them, and they seldom misjudge me. But to others, the 'good temper' probably means just 'good anger management'. Or prevention of explosion. Or even hiding the fact that the volcano is boiling inside.

This is probably the only post I'm going to write with the component 'anger' inside. I always stop myself when I want to write posts scolding people. But one has to have an outlet somewhere, and here it is - only I don't mention names and events; but if you understand, you understand.

Yesterday we had in class this article "I'm nice, but I'm not dumb'. Yes I don't get frustrated, or scold people easily, but it doesn't mean that your toes should be the only ones I'm careful treading around. I have toes too. And it doesn't mean that if I'm your friend, and I'm covering up for the work you should have done - I do it willingly for you. I understand that people have commitments, but don't people realize that people who do extra have commitments too? Only they are mindful of the commitments of others' and do not delay their work so that everyone else's work gets delayed?

This is what I want to say, but can't say. This week is really brimming with work. LKK practices for next Tuesday. Drug essay which I've barely started reading up. HR project just submitted and presentation to be prepared for thus eating up my whole Sunday (last min LKK rehearsal at night too) when I'm supposed to be chiong that essay last minute.

LKK would have been very fun, if not for all the commitments that come crashing in at the same time. But I'm thankful that people have been understanding - especially SY: whom I know has a lot of things in hand too, but is willing to lead the group and make sure things are done properly. Thank God for Prof. Lee and Bevan too who have urgent needs for their paper but still bother to make room to account for Mei & I's exams. And for my supervisor, who gives compliments generously with no 'buts' at the end, and cares enough to ask about my exams and stuff. It's these little people in life who let you hold on, through horrible weeks like this.

An ending note: This is probably the most horrible post I'll ever write, and maybe I'll regret posting this at all. So please don't take things seriously after reading, but one take-home point to remember. Gail is a girl with relevant hormones, pimples and a heavy workload in a kiasu environment; is cranky, needs to sleep and can't get enough sleep, so sometimes she can get emo and angry too.

And ya, I still don't mind doing extra for projects - but sometimes, people need to show appreciation, in some form or other.

Last RH Concert + Handwritten Notes + Other Stuff

Just went for my last RH concert (I think). A bit too chim for me to understand, but thank goodness Wiki exists, and Piang Piang too. Now I get most of the play I think it was pretty well-adapted. Just couldn't get used to the native accents of some of the cast, as well as grasp the meaning of the play. But it's still a change - for once RH concert had quite some thought provoking stuff.

Liked the nice dinner/supper after that too :D

But I don't like the test that's still in store for me to mug. Next week it's a horribly busy week. Whole week packed with tests, submissions, preparation for submissions, and our RH special project. Ugh.

Anyway I got the promised nice handwritten note from my Mysterious Senior yesterday. Haha! Sorry for always checking my mails late. :S It's nice getting handwritten stuff, and hand-made stuff with drawings. :D

老地方

This is actually Richie Ren's song. I haven't been hearing his songs for a long time. Out of touch with the radio. Not really a fan of all his songs, but some are quite nice. The signature song of his would still be 'Xin Tai Ruan'. However there are others I prefer and this is one of them.

I like this song because it is set in the 'era' I like. I mean the tune of the song and the nice peaceful, bittersweet feel it carriers. This is the first time I'm seeing the MV.

I remember that my first personal experience with the radio was after I finished SPM (that's O-levels). Before that I only listen to the radio only if my dad or my grandparents play it. My sisters and mum didn't really like the radio. Daddy liked English songs.

That was the time when there was a long break and I was alone at home. I twiddled with the radio and fell in love with many many songs. There was Tong Hua by Guang Liang (which I'm bored off by now), Shao Nian, Wang Lee Hom's songs and those of other artists. That was the first time I fell in love with Chinese songs. And I'm still in love up till now. Chinese songs have a feel that English songs don't have. Especially this type.

Liu Ruo Ying (the girl) looks nice in this MV. Usually I don't too much of her looks (paiseh) but her songs are super nice. But here she looks quite pretty.

Hope to meet up with these good old songs some time soon. They always bring in sweet surprises.

Farewells

I've been in Schering-Plough four months already and have personally said goodbye to three colleagues. There are actually more of them who left, but these actually kind of knew me.

The first was a poly student who ended his internship. I rarely talked to him (except 'hi' and 'bye's), but we sort of lunched together the first few weeks I came - because I ate with some of the chemists. Was quite surprised when he actually came to my desk on his last day and announced that he was leaving. So he was the first person I bade farewell too.

The second colleague was a girl my age who worked in the lab - she stopped working because her contract has ended and she has decided to break from work to pursue her degree. I helped her look through her goodbye letter, and am currently taking over some of her work. I still see her in NUS though - she's in my course and year, though we don't have common modules. We are still keeping in touch.

Today one of the trainers left. I never talked much to him either, except during training and he asked me to help his nephew in year one on the bidding system (eventually I didn't need to help). He's a nice guy. Was rather speechless when he came over my desk to say that it was his last day, and shook hands with me. We exchanged well-wishes.

I know it is not quite long before I myself leave Schering-Plough too. Hence I shall decide here and now to do the following when I leave:

1. To say goodbye and thank every person that I know here.

2. To find out the names of more people. I was very enthu about this during the first month, but later faltered. And I realize I still don't know everyone in my office!

Farewells are hard to say. I hope when I leave I'd at least have done something worth remembering to one (or more persons) in Schering-Plough. And I'd really hate to leave because now I feel quite a part of that world already. I just wish I have more work in my hands for now. :p

I think I like this song more and more :D

Beautiful blending. Heard it first time on the shuttle bus radio on the way to work when I was transversing between the conscious world and the unconscious.

I wish Yoga Lim looked more mature and less 'boyish' though. He's the guy singer in the MV. But his voice is really nice. Mable intro-d me to the existence of this guy last hols. At first I thought he was 'just normal', but found out later that, again, she's right about his voice. :S

Focus Right

October is a stressful month with a whole myriad of things to do. It was amazing how I went to work today with a messy head thinking about 1001 issues and bursting with emotions.

Then I remembered the Lord. And I thought of Him and every negative thought went away.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face,

And the things on earth will go strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

It was so blissful, and calming and peaceful, remembering the Lord on my way to work in the shuttle bus. God is good. :) And JM is right - once the Lord is our focus, petty little things don't anymore. And I'm glad everything is turning right.

I think I've been spending a lot + other thoughts

I think I've been splurging a bit lately.

Sometimes I spend a little when I feel that I need perks (meaning when I feel bored, or stressed). And now these' perks' come in the form of food.

Well at least it's not clothes and shoes and bags, but still, little things add up to a lot. I think I need a lot of self-control.

Sigh and lately all the FB messages and stuff on the internet, somehow or other remind me that I'm going to graduate soon! I will miss NUS. Yes I will miss this National Uni of Stress/Stairs or whatever you want to call it.

I already don't feel like a student (probably due to IA). I don't feel like continuing my final sem (welcome to Design Project and FYP Presentation). I don't feel like studying while job-hunting. And you know how fast the weeks zoom by. I'll be graduating in no time.

NUS has changed me in so many ways. Both for the better and the worse. I think both directions, equally. It has kind of stretched me a bit. But one nice thing about this place is it has such nice scenery and facilities. And RH is so nice, and my roomie is so nice T__T. I don't want to leave all those.

However, I know we have to say good bye to places, and people, and phases of life eventually. The world is not our home.

So I have > 6 months to prepare for the departure. Hopefully the transition would be smooth. I will miss this place so much!

To Wes who always wanted to come here - I think there's really not too big a deal about NUS. You can success and be at the top anywhere. Singapore has a way of robbing your values, and shaping your thinking in a way most profitable to the nation's economy, but probably numbing your social and emotional senses on the way. If you ask me again, I think it's better not to come here and remain the who you are. I'm happy to be here, but if I could choose all over again, I would have learned earlier to be resistant to all its negative kiasu influences that have pounced on me.

Once you lost yourself, it takes so much effort to find you again.

That Small Black Dot

Here's that metaphor we always, always hear in talks but never seem to remember. In case you haven't been to such talks/sermons/read about this, this is the story on the black dot.

If the image above is a sheet of paper that looks like what it looks like, and I hold it up to you asking, "What do you see?", almost everybody, (with exception of those who probably read this analogy in some form or other before, will answer - a black dot.

That little black dot is probably just 1% of the whole paper, which is otherwise made of white space. Yet, somehow or other, it seems so representative of what that whole paper is.

Today, there are many black dots in our lives. Just with regards to people, there are always bad apples sprouting out of every tree. You can't expect everything to be spectacularly white, you can't help the bad eggs popping up here and there. Those things are just outside your sphere of control. What is within your sphere of control are two things:

1. First, don't be that bad egg. And be thankful if you aren't. Just think of yourself as being thought of as a bad egg. That's worse than having to cope with one. If those bad eggs have anything to be pitied about, that's about the biggest thing there is.

2. Secondly, don't be affected by that bad egg so much, until you neglect/affect the other eggs. For example, project groups, the most significant issue I'm facing now. Today I'm just thankful for one of those other good eggs, who said, I'll help you cope if you have to pick up the mess from the bad eggs. Thank God for those bad eggs who made me realize how nice the good ones were! And to learn to appreciate the good ones more. It is always worse to let good things pass you by unnoticed, than to have to notice bad ones (hope I am clear here). Appreciate the good eggs. And most importantly, don't let those negative emotional vibes affect them until they feel negative too! Especially if everything could actually be completed without involving the bad eggs. Why then let them spoil the meal?

3. Thirdly, check if the eggs are really bad. Some eggs are just bad in certain ways but good in others. Some may seem to be bad all over, but it never hurts to leave just some room for good will to last. You never know when you need it.

The third point is actually very important because I find that there's always nothing to lose from doing that. So what if people are all out to 'use' you and get you? I grew up all through my school years with hardly any feelings of being used. There are some who say, you are a lucky one, all your friends are sincere (or at least not devious), they don't take advantage of you. It was up to a point that I wonder whereby this blissful situation was a realistic one or one merely perceived by myself. But perceiving things in a positive light is probably better than probing way down the roots and drawing your (very depressing) conclusions. At least it leaves you space to be kind to others, and to think the best of people. And you don't know who's ways you could change just by acting that way.

Some people may think that acting that way is going to make a person lose out in life. So what should you do if someone is treating you like a footstool to clamber his way to the top? To answer this question you may want to define 'the top'. If fame, fortune and accomplishments add up to 'happiness', you'd probably be a happier person than he is, but not at his expense. What could be better than that?

So don't forget there's the big white space at the background! And when you can't change anything, the only thing you could do is to change your own mindset. And that is a very big change indeed. Just like a drop of water in the calm ocean, you don't know how far the ripples can go. Both the good ripples, and the bad ones.

The Month of Timelines

October is here, and so are projects, tests and a new direction in my research project.

Our HR project is finally getting in shape. Not that I've seen any write-ups come out yet, but at least timelines and job scopes are properly allocated, and finally, everyone has responded at least once to emails. All the administration and people-bugging aside, I actually quite like this project. (Maybe I'm biased towards all things HR because I liked the project I did last year too, which was HR-related.) If I get to choose a course all over again, I'll study business and major in HR! There's so many interesting aspects to it, and the applications seem nice too, especially in big organizations.

Still, I believe there's a purpose and direction with me being in Chem Engineering. And I especially know that somehow, the engineering 'sense' of studying has given me much more leeway to appreciate HR (and psychology related) articles, and the ability to be able to analyze situations, much more than if I had plunged into it right at the start in the form of an MBA degree.

Our group has 7 persons, a little too big to manage, but I take comfort that the project paper is only as long as one IA report of mine. If I can churn out an IA report in 2 days, this should be OK, except this requires much more thinking, reading and analysis; which I have already done much and enjoy too. (Love the other module readings as well.) However, many times my view points are rather biased towards what I have already learned, so it's good to appreciate what others' think too.

I had my first CA on Downstream Processing of Pharmaceutical Products. It wasn't good, but not too bad either. Was tricked by every question set. Sigh. The lecturer was pretty nice about our results though. And he does teach well. I like this module - a lot. And it sort of compliments my Industrial Attachment. I'm not directly involved in the manufacturing sections taught in the module, but at least I can relate to most things he talks about.

There's another term paper on the Downstream module to come, plus the submission and presentation of our HR report, and another test for Downstream. My report for Prof Lee is almost 'just started'. And I have something to do in hall too. I'm quite stressed now and have been sleeping late. It doesn't really affect my productivity, but it affects my temper. I'm very quick to feel impatient now. And I'm not the only person whose temper is getting worse. My impatience doesn't come out in the form of anger, but just... impatience. I walk as fast as I could back to school after work (for no reason), and get irritated by people hogging the right side of the MRT escalator, standing absolutely still, blocking the whole line of people behind, and the MRT song comes out and I know I'm going to miss the train. Although that just means another 5 min wait, it irks me somehow. Am really spoilt by Singapore's near-perfect transport system.

Oh, and I just found out today, that by the time reading week ends, all my exams will end too. (Usually my exam doesn't start until reading week is completely over.) That means one week less to study, but on the bright side, this work-and-study life will end over, and I can finally start sleeping early before going to work.

XJ came to Singapore for work the past few days, and I met him with Jon. I think he's actually more excited about meeting Jon than meeting me. =.= Oh well, people are naturally curious. :S So we met at Vivo City and had Soup Spoon for dinner, thanks to Andrew's promotion. XJ used to be my virtual friend, and he has evolved into a physical one now. I wonder how many more virtual friends I will get to meet. There's a whole bunch of them in Malaysia that I hardly communicate with now. And there's Wes in Philippines, who has been really kind in helping me disseminate my survey to his friends, up to the point it made me feel rather ashamed of myself for not always thinking for other people like this.S

Today during Bible Study, JM says the only way for us to always make the right decision is to make God the only thing that matters in our heart. I agree, so much. I have been too protective of myself to think of others over here in NUS. I have been really stingy over my time, and I still am. I can't get over it. But I hope through this reminder, God will grow bigger and bigger in my heart, and I'll invest my time in Him and in others more and more.

Sunny side of Sept 29th

A lot of nice things happened today so I must note them down before I start chiong-ing what I want to present to Prof. Lee tomorrow (which is a not so nice thing. Opz).

Had to do some sai-kang work for yesterday and today in Biotech. Like what my supervisor said, sai-kang work is fun if you do it once in a while, but I would really, really need a VERY good motivation to do it daily. Two days is still fun :) Especially when

1. My supervisor is doing the work with me so I got to talk to her and eat lunch with her for the first time :D

2. The work is actually quite an important one although it was really sai-kang as well.

3. I met another NTU intern in Biotech! She's the second intern I actually talked to. (There's one which I always greet but never talked to properly.)

4. And I did learn things through the sai-kang work by asking questions on how a product is manufactured.

So overall it was quite a fruitful day at work. Plenty of exercise walking back and forth from API to Biotech too. Better than stoning in front of the computer freezing under air-con trying to be productive during my down time. :p

And I found out why I was accepted for the position (in comparison to two other candidates out of an unknown number of people who applied for the internship). Firstly I wasn't too ambitious and didn't have too lofty expectations of what I was going to do. And secondly, my resume was decent and was close to reality. Overall, it's because I'm a very normal aspiring intern. Haha. I don't know what I should think about this reason. It's enough for now but how about the future? I'll just be a normal needle in a pin cushion of needles.

But I'm really glad my supervisor told me all this because it showed that she cared about her interns and manages their expectations even before they start work. I think my supervisor is a very different person from who I am but I like her all the same as she is.

Learned much in HR class today too. I'm really glad for this 3 MC module because it's so thought provoking. Reminded me of the time Prof. Kai would ask us to write down what we learned in the previous class before class starts. Makes lessons applicable and concrete. The take-home point for me today - before starting work, know what I'm working for. If it's for money, be happy about it and let it be my motivating factor (that's different from 'selling life for money' and waiting for Friday every week). If it's other things: Think of how those needs can be fulfilled during my future work?

As I told my supervisor today, I don't quite think I'll be an engineer when I graduate. But what is it that I like to do? And can I do what I really like to do? Are expectations going to be jarringly different from reality?

The future is so suspenseful. I anticipate it, but yet, I am apprehensive. The only anchor I have is, in the future, just as in the present, God is there for me.

And finally, I'm so thankful to Emily and her mum today for giving me and Kasun a lift back to RH after class. It was just one of those little things that add up to make your day a wonderful one. :) It reminded me of Simon and my fellow church mates and class mates in Singapore and Tampin who are generous with their transport too. Little things like this really go a long way.

The Future

Had our roomie-lunch with Wing Mei and Si Jia last Sunday at Novena after church. It's been a long time since the three of us got together. We talked about random stuff, then I went back with Si Jia and she found the shoes she wanted in Clementi. Koi had it's very long queue as usual, but I went for QB Bubble Tea instead (cheapest bubble tea in Clementi). Their coffee flavored bubble tea tastes very nice. I'm not sure if it was always like that, or they just upped the standard because of competition.

Anyway at church Wing Mei popped a random idea (it felt random to me, but she probably had it in mind for some time). Why don't the two of us (plus Jon and Gideon) go live and work in Australia together (Australia is well known as a relaxing place to work, compared to Singapore anyway)? Then we can live in the same house, share meals to cut cost etc. I totally had no idea to react at all. Can't even see beyond the three year bond I have in Singapore.

I used to be very much afraid of venturing into foreign waters, going unfamiliar places and doing things I don't usually do, but not any more. This final year has been more of thinking than doing. Thinking of what the future might hold. Trying to look beyond the day I come out of UCC in my graduation gown. Yup I know with the absence of good honors my choices are limited in many ways. But still it has opened up other avenue of considerations I might not have considered otherwise.

But still I don't think I want to go that far away at least in a good number of years (unless God calls me to do so). It would be harder and harder to come home. Even in Singapore, I hardly have time to go home now. Somewhere halfway across the globe would be even worse. Sometimes we're so intent on pursuing our dream that we forget to retain the blessings we already have. It is always a trade-off, and engineers understand trade-offs very well.

In the end it all boils down to how we prioritize. For all we know (Jon says) we might end up in some hut in India or something doing God's work. I don't know the future, but I know Who holds my hand. And there are so many things within myself, here and now, that I need to change, without thoughts of venturing further. There's still less than one year's time, where that thing which I call 'the future' would arrive. I wonder what it will bring. But whatever it does, I know for sure He'll be there.

And to Wing Mei: Don't get me wrong, I'd still love living with you, whichever part of the world it is. :p We'll see.

Lin Yu Zhong

I have been listening to Lin Yu Zhong's songs these two days and I realize I quite like his style (although most of his songs have very similar styles, which is the 'very safe' type). Music aside, I think he has some talented lyric-writers working for him - as the songs he sings usually have very comprehensible meanings presented in metaphorical ways.

The song embedded below is one of his songs I found on Baidu - called 改嫁 (Remarrying). I DO NOT like this re-marry concept, but I like the way the music of this song is structured. (And I don't think it's really remarrying - it's like marrying someone else with another person in the mind. Hence I think the ending line is apt - cutting all ties before a new relationship (but to enter marriage with this mindset is rather a sad case).

I couldn't find any MV for the song - so this embedded youtube version is just a black screen. :( Some nice things I like about this song:

1. The way they fused Chinese music (for Chinese wedding), into this very modern sounding song.

2. The general way the music flows.

3. The part almost before the end where they put in 掀起了你的蓋頭來... traditional Chinese folk song intermission. One good way to score points with me when song composing nowadays is to fuse traditional Chinese folk songs with new ones, which they are doing quite a lot actually. Maybe it's just because I like those folk songs :)

4. The chorus at the end - they 'upped the key' but in a different way than usual.

Lyrics: http://www.gugalyrics.com/%E6%9E%97%E5%AE%87%E4%B8%AD-%E6%94%B9%E5%AB%81-LYRICS/277060/

总在我身旁

Our youth group sang this song for parents' day last year. I played the piano - and I so regret not researching the song first. There are so many awesome chords and fillers that I left out just because I didn't listen to the song, and played according to what they sang. :((

It's a nice song :)

New Blogskin??

I am seriously thinking of changing my blogskin, again. I've been wanting to change this one some time ago but sometimes I don't feel like i have the heart (or time) to do it. It's very cute and all, and I custom sized the chatbox too make it go with the colors. But then again, I feel like I have outgrown this phase of life which this blogskin represents. This doesn't mean like I perceive I'm cute the way the blogskin is, but there is some underlying symbolism of things I feel I need. It's just hard to let go. And I think the person who designed this blogskin put a lot of effort in it and has done a good job.

I want to bug Andrew to upload the Batam pictures from his camera because I feel he has the most complete set of pics. But then I'm even too lazy to upload the few I have in my phone so what can I say? Anyway Andrew, if you happen to read this entry, please pandai-pandai know what to do k. Please don't pretend you didn't read this. Haha.

More random stuff (as usual):

1. The BIG news in Clementi: KOI has recently opened! It's in those rows of shops behind the Clementi MRT, and people are queuing for it already, which is one of the things that is putting me off from buying it. (The other crucial factor is the strong affinity my cough has towards me.) No wonder I'm always oblivious of what good food each canteen has in NUS. I look at the queue, look at the time, and go for the ones with shorter queues. And food queues are not short for no reason. Anyway, judging by the popularity of the Bishan KOI outlet, I think hopes for the KOI queue to be considerably shorter as time goes by are not high, especially since it's going to be one of the main outlets in the West.

2. I realize my blog post title does not encompass the entire content of my blog entry. That's nothing new either.

3. I've been wanting to blog about a personal opinion for a long time. But then it's something not everyone might like and people might get offended too. After much deliberation, I've decided to keep my thoughts to myself as for now.

4. I want to have a dream job. But I haven't found my dream job yet. There are too many boundaries constraining the solution space. There probably isn't an answer for now. One of the big constraint is: dream jobs don't always have dream pay. And they don't always come to you just like that.

5. I want to compose again. But I've lost the inspiration to do so.

Bugged Down

I'm coughing like a machine gun now. I think the coughing virus is conquering Singapore. Every time I cough like this I notice that many people around me are coughing too. Just today when I was on my way back from work, the MRT cubicle I was in had 6 - 7 people (including myself) coughing in chorus, although it was relatively empty (only 5-6 people without seats). I was rather embarrassed to be a contributor to the coughing chorus. However it was interesting to observe the ways different people cough.

This week is supposedly recess week, but like other recess weeks, I feel it is academic-catch-up week. Helping Prof. Lee do that research write-up does affect my timetable a lot. And there's a quiz next week for my level 5 module. Hope it doesn't go too badly.

I took leave yesterday from work because of cough + sore throat, but then my condition was actually a little worse today when I was at work. Still, I'm glad I had the one day break, whether it was uncalled for or not. I slept excessively the whole day and it did my spirits good. At least it took away a large portion of the stress I was under. I was feeling so emo on Sunday that I felt that I would just waste myself away at work. No idea why I was feeling so negative. But today (Tuesday) I felt that I was all-ready to go and work again.

I asked Ah Gong to call me today (he's in Singapore now) and in the end it ended up that both my grandparents asked me to talk as little as possible as a series of coughs erupted after every 5 sentences. :(( It is terrible! And these few days Jon is diligently downing me with all different things he thinks will help me recover from cough, and I took them in a half-awake state of mind haha. It is very nice of him I think. :)) Thank God I hardly coughed when I was lunching with my colleagues. I had my first mooncake of the year too! It was a cempedak mooncake. Felt a bit like ice-cream texture, and overall it was very nice.

On a happier note I had very nice lunches last Saturday and Sunday. Jon's mum came over so we had lunch with his mum and sister. Andrew came to cook also, and after lunch we had that special something I'm severely not allowed to divulge. It was very nice :D And it became my dinner too because there were leftovers. Then for Sunday, we had lunch at burger shack - Jon, me, Irene, Kailing and JonC. Had to wait for JonC for quite a while, but it has really been a long time I've last seen him (in fact the three of them), so it was well worth it lunching together.

I actually had more stuff to say but I can't recall now. That's what happens when you stop blogging for too long T__T.

Batam Trip and HR Lesson

I might put in pics for this blog. Sorry it's a bit late. Hard to 'consolidate thoughts' when my life is so action-packed lately :)

Went to Batam last Sunday for the whole day. Our mission: To help the 'kids' (secondary school and JC level) be confident while articulating English, have fun with them, and share Jesus with them. Actually most of them come from a church background. But yes, a church background doesn't really mean you're really secure in a sense. I really don't know what their stages of faith is like, but then, it never hurts to share the Gospel more than once. It really reaffirms God's love and transforming power in our lives. And we sometimes underestimate the life-changing power of the Gospel.

It was my first trip away from Malaysia and Singapore, although Batam is as near to Singapore as Singapore is to Malaysia. The ferry ride was not bad. The sky and the sea were so bluey-blue. And I slept almost all through the trip (cz we had to wake up at 5 plus in the morning to start off).

God reminded me of His wonderful creation throughout the trip. The area we went in was really very kampung-ish. And the classroom we were in overlooked some kind of plantation with long and green grass growing everywhere. A sort of little stream flowed through in the middle. And there were brick houses near the area. It was very green, and very beautiful; whether it was hot, or when there was a shower of rain. There was a little breeze that was present most of the time. But the weather was hot, and the fan of the classroom wasn't working well. All of us were sweating.

Somehow all that greenery and blue sky and the detachment from Singapore life just made me wonder how it would be like to live a simple life in a village all my life. Yes I like all the conveniences and everything I have now, but then again, maybe if there were not so many things, there would be less wants, and more focus of the real meaning of life.

The 'kids' (I shall refer to them as kids :p) present that day were mainly girls. Only two guys were there, but they were really wonderfully sporting in joining in all the games we planned (we thought they would all be much younger, hence our games were a little kiddish). They were so enthusiastic, and altogether very lovely people. There was this 16-year-old girl I happened to sit with, and it encouraged me so much that she happily joined everything and asked and remembered all our names.

It was not one of those days where I went out and clearly took something back home. Most of my lessons with God, I feel, are accumulation of experiences, and the messages hit home not at once, but come every time I need them. This is going to be one of them too. But I was really touched by His beauty as we worshiped with our hearts together while we sang songs.

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe.

Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

It is these small, fundamental reminder that causes you to be touched by His love, over and over again. Thank God for Uncle Ivan, for teaching me how to worship with heart, spirit and strength and soul. My greatest gain from the trip was to be able to witness again, how he served. He was humble enough to see all of us better than him, and reaffirmed our talents. But I was humbled by him because he put his talents on the altar and used them to serve his Master. The way he danced, talked, preached, encouraged; all enabled the glory of God to shine through. The whole day, I witnessed him worship, and preach non-stop with all of his heart, and strength.

Thank God for Simon too, who is always there as an example for us in serving others, to reassure and reaffirm us of our commitments, to remind us to set priorities, even though he is so busy and tired at work. I don't think Simon never burns out, but the way he has served campus and even each individual in campus, makes me feel that we can never serve God enough through serving others. With all the examples he set, he never bragged, never stopped, and is always there so much that sometimes you don't explicitly see him, you just feel his love for campus with your heart. I don't think anyone would be able to cope with all that, if he didn't love God, and God's strength was not in him.

A few of the girls added us on Facebook, and I hope that would be another platform for us to keep in touch, and hold up each other in life.

Today in HR class, we learned about the concept of self, and how sometimes circumstances drag this 'self-concept' away, and make us change who we are.

When I pondered over this simple question: 'Who am I', I just realized that my personality is so unstable and if there's nothing to anchor it, it will just disintegrate due to environmental pressures.

But because God loves me, I can say my identity is 'a child of God' and all my positional values, my being, my purpose of being formed - is anchored firmly in that.

We studied about how people had their personalities taken away due to brutal treatment in communist camp. We read about how they were brainwashed until they couldn't remember who they are and what they stood for. We also learned that there were others who survived, those who had an end in mind.

If brutality can destroy a person's identity, how much more can love restore. For love is greater than hate. Hate breaks, love bends. Hate demands compliance, love - commitment, internalization. How the apostles suffered with joy for the gospel. How they were willing to give up their lives for millions of people they don't know. How they fell with pride to defend the honor of the Gospel.

If we live for God, we won't lose ourselves. Because man is fickle, but God is the Rock of Ages, and He will sustain us through, because of Himself. He will increase, while we decrease.

I pray that henceforth, I'll be sustained through the rat-race, and never lose sight of what I send for, and Who I represent. It was a good lesson today :)

On a side note, my dreaded paired presentation for HR was finally over! Again I have to thank God for seeing me through. I was literally praying my way through the whole day. And in the end - I hardly felt nervous and according to my tutor, I was able to 'build rapport' with the audience because I smiled and sounded reassuring.

This itself is a testimonial of how great the power of dependence on God is, because I never even realized I smiled. (It was not purposefully done). I still remember one of my attempted self-practices in front of the mirror. From my facial expression, even a wooden stick would look more expressive than I am. After two sentences I gave up facing the horror in the mirror. And I never, never smile during presentations. My hands will shake, I will find it hard to say things continuously. As for my attempted spoken English, Mummy would have shook her head at the horrible pronunciation (somehow I roll my words all together when I talked fast). But today it was done so smoothly and naturally, even at a moderately quick pace. Isn't that a testimonial of how great God is.

You know how strong you are, when you know who you depend on.