Gatherings

The past two weeks have really been a volley of awesome-max get-togethers.

Wai Pheng and Wan Meng visited us last Saturday. It was my night shift so Jon woke me up just in time to get ready for dinner in the evening, and he cooked a storm. So we had nice dinner with oyster, sashimi, vege and pasta. Then Wai Pheng who was supposed to bring some 'snacks' over got us 10 bowls of 'Lao Ban' bean curd (the kind which had a jelly-like texture, my favorite), lots of chicken wing and otah, some kuih, and drinks! Even with Boss' help, and Geri and JonC coming over, we couldn't finish all the food. But it was a fun gathering. My only regret was after the heavy dinner, I was so sleepy that I retired to the bedroom to sleep for an hour plus in order to make sure I stay awake for night shift. Boss and Wai Pheng walked with me to the MRT later to work.

Then last Thursday, Jon, Jerome, Wen Qiao and myself went to Subway for dinner! It was a housemates outing. Yew Hong couldn't make it due to his ending work late, but thankfully we had another gathering with full housemate attendance for soba dinner the week before. Jon and I shared a foot long egg-mayo subway which reminded me of the good old days in NUS, when there are student discounts during exam week, and after a satisfying meal it's time to mug. I just can't describe the feeling of having no mugging to 'look forward' to prior to finishing my subway! We took lots of group pics too. 

Then today! We went USS as a farewell outing with Simon. There was an issue with the tickets which delayed us from entering for almost an hour but I just want to say that Justin and Stacey has been so responsible and gracious and everything throughout the whole ordeal that I almost burst into tears on the spot. Anyway, the rides were fun (although as usual, I had to chicken out on the terrifying roller coasters), and although the queue times were relatively long, USS has been very thoughtful in designing their queue areas, making the queue itself part the ride experience too. 

My favorite ride (and everyone's favorite I suppose), was the 4D simulation Transformers ride. Everyone should try it (provided you are not pregnant, don't have high blood pressure, motion sickness etc). It was very well executed, the story line was exciting and the experience very realistic. One thing different from the Genting Resort world was also USS has divided its park into very clear-cut themes (Genting has themes too but not as much) such as Hollywood, Egypt, Madagascar, Far Far Away and Science-Fi. The decorations and settings were very intentionally designed, and attention paid to very small artistic details. The staff were mostly very young (late teens, early twenties)  but capable of handling work (level of English articulation has much room for improvement though). There are also multiple shows and parades. You can just spend the whole day there being on the go, if you have the stamina. 

Overall I would recommend USS as a place to go in Singapore for first timers! It's a bit pricey especially on weekends like this, the queue is long, but the experience and the effort put in by the producers who invested in this place makes things worth it. Everywhere I see effort and creativity, and these are the things that I appreciate a lot. Also, go with good company so as to make things extra fun! :)

Next Stop: Ghim Moh

Will be moving to 4 Ghim Moh Road at the end of August.

I'm super relieved that this house hunting thingy is over without too much financial impact. Rental expenses is definitely going to hike as compared to now (think extra $150 - $200 per month!), but seriously, it's already much better than what I had expected. And living space is going to be half of our current place too, so you can imagine what a good bargain we've been getting out of 30 J Kovan. 

But at least, we skipped agent fees, I got myself a nice roomie (Alicia), our new place is free from traffic noise, has fresh air, near bus stops, near good food, and near Shop & Save. Most of all, I cut down around an hour's travelling time a day (plus another 30 bucks a month) travelling to work. I look forward to that. Poor Jerome has increased travelling time though. 

I will miss 30 J Kovan though. It's been awesome staying here. The neighbours are OK, and the environment is nice. The house is big. And there's Wen Qiao and Yew Hong, which I will miss, has housemates and as a roomie. I will miss WQ's scolding Jerome and Jon too haha. And all of us saying and doing stupid things together.

And I will miss Kovan Hub which is where I take a coach home. Now if I want to go home I'll need to take a 30 min trip to Bugis or Woodlands to the train checkpoint which is even further away. Will miss Nex which I always shop. Will miss the red chairs and orange sofa, and the big orange curtain, which make such cheerful furniture. 

Hmmm. There are pros and cons with the move. But it has to be done anyway. Thank God for this new place which is also near Andrew and Rachel. 

I can take one more

This is what I'm constantly thinking about in lab when it's very busy. I always look at what everyone has to do and ask myself: Can I take one more thing into my hands? Many months ago, I answered this question with a huge buffer in mind. I would take that one extra thing and have this much time to spare, just in case anything crops up. 

But now it's the opposite. I take this extra thing up and find that I can't cope with it after all.

**rant starts**

Today it felt just like that. Just when I have managed my emotions from work, I'm back home with another piece of news: Our landlord's daughter apparently had some mis-communication with him and wants to move in next month. We have to move out in August. Meanwhile we'll all cram together, seven in the house for July. 

Which means that the dreadful house-hunting process is going to begin all over again. Seriously, after job hunting I was beginning to feel that house hunting is the next terrible thing ever. The feeling of waiting for something you want but is always out of reach. Despite many agents bugging me on my phone during work hours and my weird sleep hours and all (which is superlatively irritating), none of them seem to come up with an affordable deal. 

And then we thought we could stay until near end of the year, and I was so relieved to send messages to those agents letting them know that the house-hunt has been halted. End of phone calls during inconvenient hours. Temporal end to hours of net-surfing and cold calls. And visiting properties. And now instead of having one month to do it, I only have half the time, especially since Jon and myself are flying to Philippines next month.

And then. Work. I've always prided myself for being emotionally sturdy but I couldn't get over today, until I had the end of the day to settle down. One wrong septum put into a vial cap by me out of almost a hundred had set off an unexpected chain of reactions and resulted in a lab investigation. I don't think my supervisor put me as directly responsible for it although I confessed later but I still feel bad for not focusing. It was very busy and I actually forgot that I had to focus even on small little things like this.

Also the feeling of not being liked, or being thought responsible for something I was not. I thought I was strong enough to handle things like this. But it turns out that I'm not. I can easily harden myself, but it will also make me hardened towards other people. Is it better to remain vulnerable and sensitive, and risk getting hurt like this? I can't dislike people, I can't, and I won't. But I keep small little things in my heart that is not healthy. That I cannot help.

I actually straightened this out on the bus on the way back, but then it came back with the move-out news. Which I kind of took in a daze just like the way I do when lab work comes crashing down in a mountain-load. You just feel like, come what may, come what might, I don't care any more. I don't care how my rental is going to hike, how far I'm going to travel to work the next time we move. I just want it done and over, and pay my bills every month.

And yet I feel very selfish because now everyone is being very kind and helpful and recommending nice agents and stuff. And Jon and Jerome are already working on problem-solving, and I know this is super stressful for them too. Poor Alicia has to move twice also. And oh, the big bad problem of MOVING our things looms in the not-so-far horizon. 

**rant over**

So the problem(s) are stated as above, vaguely or otherwise. The solution is easy, the same one I always think when I see status messages on Facebook, short versions of my rants above everyday. Why are you a Christian and you are still complaining? Why don't you start having faith and depending on God? Why do you know that God is for you and no one can be against you, yet you moan and groan? Why do you look out for strength from outside, when all you need is in the inside?

Yes that's me. Knowing solutions but having problems with application. 

You know, after thinking through, the solution is actually obvious. It's not whether I can take one more load or not. It's whether I can put down one more. And another. And all. And trust.

I was so upset today. And I was telling myself: that I am different, I shouldn't be reacting the same way as other people with the same problem. Because I have God. That's why I can afford to be vulnerable. That's why I can be honest. That's why I can take things up, not complain when things go wrong, always be joyful, always be thankful.

Simon always says knowledge goes from the head to the heart. Thank God for that for even now at this moment when i remember the promises from His Word which never fails, I feel that returning. The thankfulness. The joyfulness. The dependence that when I have nowhere to go, up is always the place to look. That He is able although I am weak. And nothing goes without His permission, and all things work for the good of those who love Him.

And right now, this moment. I am just putting all those aside and thanking Him for being Him. For unlike my momentary fleeting feeling of being 'all alone' earlier, I realize that I am not. He is always there for me, and for those who love Him. And even now He is with me through all these kind people who are trying to make the move a little easier, and through the little things I can do for people to make their day and mine a little better. 

The problems still exist. But because I know who my God is, they are merely opportunities to make me grow. Thank you God for loving me.

Rebuilding Castles

Have you done something which required a lot of effort (or in Singapore terms: 'sai kang'), rushed through it the whole day, and just when you think you can stop and everything is going to be submitted you realize you have to start it over from scratch again?

It is my first validation run, and today was a good day with just the correct number of days for me to do everything myself, and this happened. First time staying back for overtime at work, and having to re-do all I did today tomorrow or some other day. It just felt tiring and disheartening.

But when I looked at my colleagues who stayed back and realized how tired they were, too, I just didn't have the heart to show that I'm upset or disappointed. I do show that I'm stressed a lot, but this is different. And it was hard keeping it inside, but it had to be done. 

Anyway, I've gone through this before. Countless times. During almost all my project works in NUS. Especially during my Design Project. All these 'surprises' never failed to pop up and I'm amazed that no matter how stressed they caused me to be, God always pulled through. Even when I didn't have enough faith to know that I'll pull through, God was still faithful. 

And now I still hold on to Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I may not have the right skills, knowledge, or what some people call 'luck', but I have the assurance that all things work out for good. And I need to approach this with the right attitude, though it's awfully difficult. Basically all I want to do now is break down and bug someone and rant (poor Jon). 

But to believe that all this is for good, means not ranting, right? But be thankful because it's going to be good.

Compressed

These few weeks at work has been really challenging. The workload has just increased, and it feels like the moment I step into the lab, I work non-stop until the 8 hours is over. Even eating is done at top speed. And I think we'll continue to work this way for a long time. 

I seriously don't mind being fully occupied from start to end of my shift. I don't even mind forgoing my toilet breaks for work. But it's stressful because besides having to do things fast, I have to do them accurately. And people like me who always like to plan my time with a comfortable buffer have to plan it exactly right now, with almost no allowances for surprises such as instrument column getting choked, faulty pumps, need to refill used solvents etc. It's very tiring.

Sometimes I just start a run without checking more than once and just hope anxiously that there's nothing wrong.

I must say this is good for me in a way. If I don't gain that much intellectual knowledge (my learning is plateauing now), I might as well gain other skills such as working quickly and accurately, as well as being able to multi-task. To meet the needs for other people as well as my own. 

It is difficult because it is under stress that I make myself emotionally vulnerable. My self control breaks down and sometimes I do and think things that make me ashamed of myself. Ranging from harmless effects like yammering nonsense, to the 'mind my own business first before thinking of helping others' mentality. 

I also find that I emit a lot of negative energy when I'm stress. Jon knows this too well, but usually I keep all this confined at home (poor him). Now it goes out to my colleagues too. I don't verbally complain a lot, but my face shows that I'm stressed. And when you see your lab mates with long faces and hear them sighing, it's really rather depressing. As the state in my lab is most of the time depressing enough, I try my best not to add to the negative energy. But it's so difficult because it all surfaces so easily.

Just been feeling really disappointed with myself the last few days before my off-rest. I am someone easily affected by negative energy. That's why I'm not really the best candidate if you want to talk to someone whom you can off-load your problems too. If you do it too many times I tend to be affected by your emotions too, and generally start to feel impatient. Not that I like to be like that, in fact that's part of me that I don't really like. The part that thinks of 'me' first, how I'm affected by your moods, instead of being empathetic towards why you are feeling that way, unless your problem really connects with my emotions in the first place. Yes it's difficult to confide to someone like that, and it's harder to know you're like that but you can't change.

It's hard to keep in focus and remember - the extra work I'm putting in, the extra hours crammed into one, is to keep the cost of drugs low so that someone may afford them better. At least I hope it leads to that.

And on my last shift cycle I was going home feeling that I've done a bad job and have become an emotional burden. Then I remembered this Bible verse from Psalms.

"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the lifter up of my head."

Those three words meant so much to me. Shield. Glory. And 'lifter up of my head'. 

Shield me against temptation to sin in thought and sin in action. My glory is the most glorious God of heaven, my source of joy in every occasion, my source of holiness, for indeed God is holy therefore He is glorious. Lifter of my head for there is no reason to be downcast when He is with me.

And I felt so much better. Now at work I'll think of my shield, my glory, and the lifter up of my head. It takes that burden away, and makes things so much purposeful. 

The Good News

Had a bad bout of coughing fit the whole of the previous week. Was so tired from coughing that on Wednesday and Thursday (my morning shifts), I had more than 12 hours of sleep each day, and that wasn't enough. Still haven't recovered from it yet. My coughs last long. Tried three different type of medicines, and the traditional Chinese kind. All to no avail. Just succeeded in reducing phlegm and inflammation, but still couldn't prevent me from turning into a human machine gun. 

Anyway, as I told Jon (who is also coughing), this is a good chance for us to practice our gospel sharing while having a cough. We'll be flying to Philippines in mid-July to do classroom sharing of the gospel. And it would do good to practice doing so while having a cough, because who knows what we might get over there. We are still having practice sessions fortnightly and every time I go through the gospel in my mind, it is still as sweet as ever. The message that saved me.

The gospel is not about what Christians do and do not do. Not about going to church. Not about 'believing' in principles and stories. Not about doing the right thing over the wrong because God is watching and so on. Not so much even about going to heaven and hell. 

The gospel means 'good news'. But instead of giving you a set of ready-to-go directions on how to reach heaven, the gospel is really about God. God. God. And it's amazing that just by portraying Himself as who He is, the gospel has the power of salvation unto those who believe.

God is holy. And by holy we don't just mean 'sacredness', or 'aloofness from the world' or I don't know what else people associate holy with. God being holy simply means God is perfect. And perfect not in beautiful sense (which He is), but in terms of righteousness. God is good, God has no sin, God has perfect righteousness. If the standard for holiness/perfection is 100%, God is the 100%. If the standard is 1000%, God is is that 1000%. God is the standard for perfection. Not only He has no sin, but He hates sin. The Bible says God is of purer eyes than to behold sin (Hab 1:13). And God's standard for us is that we be perfect too, for He says, "Be you therefore, perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48).

But the Bible has also said, "All men has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23).  There is no one righteous, no not one (Rom 3:10). And not only God is holy, but God is just. God is the creator of the world, and He is also a judge. And according to the Bible, the wages of sin is death (Rom 6:23). Wages indicates something one deserves because he has worked toward it. And death in the Bible refers to hell, or else referred to as 'the lake of fire', or the 'second death'.

What is sin? Murder, stealing, lying, taking drugs? Have you hated someone so much that you wish he'd die? The Bible says by doing so you have committed murder in your heart. Have your eyes lusted after someone's wife? The Bible says by doing so you have committed adultery. Such are God's high standards for perfection that no man is able to attain, for we are sinners by birth, and sinners by choice. And just like a person only has to kill once to be a murderer, to lie once to be a liar; a man has but to sin once to be a sinner deserving the wages of death. Heaven or hell isn't a state of mind. Nor is it a perceptive reality (it's as real as you think it is). It is not whether you think you are going to heaven or to hell that matters. It is the real state that matters, the absolute truth. Simon always quoted that truth is arrogant. In a way, it is, because everything 'else' has to make way for truth.

God could have just been holy and just and condemn the world to hell. Rightfully and justly so. But God is also love (1 John 4:8). The Bible does not just say God is loving - but it says God is love itself. And in John 3: 16 it says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live a sinless human life on earth, so that He would become the perfect sacrifice/ atonement for our sins. To satisfy the justice and appease the anger of a holy God.

You see. It couldn't be anything less than God's only Son. To demand for a sacrifice less perfect and less worthy would demeans God's holiness and justice. It was the only way. And Jesus took all our sins on His shoulders on the cross, and said there, "It is finished." There on the cross were our sins: past, present, future. And on the cross God the judge dealt with His beloved Son bearing the sins of the world, our sins - thus Jesus' cry: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?". 

But that was not the end. Three days after His death and burial, Jesus was resurrected from the dead, conquering sin, death, and hell. Thus we see the greatness of the power of salvation - the same power that rose Jesus from the dead, can free us from sin, death and hell; and instead gives us the righteousness of Christ. For then we are righteous before God, not because of our goodness, lest any man boast, but because of Christ's own righteousness we wear when we put on Christ.

And John 3:16 says 'whomsoever believes in Him shall not perish but have ever lasting life'. And in Romans 10:9 it says, "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you will be saved." Believing is not just mere head knowledge. Supposing you believe that chair A is able to hold your weight. Yet when sitting down you pull chair B alongside chair A and let both chairs support your weight instead, just in case one collapses. This doesn't show your belief in chair A. To say you believe in chair A, you rest your whole body, your whole weight on the chair. To believe in Jesus Christ, you surrender to Him your whole life. For Jesus himself said, "I am the way, the truth, the life. No one can go to the Father except through me." (John 14:6)

If you believe in Jesus yet rely on fate, works, activities, people, other faiths, whatever other means to find reconciliation with God and to earn salvation, you do not believe. Believing is putting your hand on the plough and not looking back. Surrendering your life and your soul to Jesus, because you believe, you know, only He is able to save you from your sins.

Salvation is a gift from a gracious and loving God. And a gift, however highly priced cannot be earned, but is received undeservedly. And unless one receives a gift, the gift cannot be called his own. And so - God has given the gift of salvation to 'all who believe'. Everyone in the world. No matter how hopeless a sinner, how evil a man, what he has done in the past. If you repent and believe that Jesus can save you of your sins, you can receive this gift of salvation from God. It is not your call or prayer that saves you, but it is God who does.

Do you believe God can save you from your sins?

Do you believe God wants to save you from your sins?

Do you want God to save you?

The Bible says "Those who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved." He is just a call away. He has already seen you and loved you undeservedly and prepared salvation for you. Will you call out to Him?