More Potentials

Was just thinking today that I had the makings of a good secretary. I'm starting to become my supervisor's personal organizer. Up to the point that I can now guess contents of docs I don't even have access to in the first place.

How much pay does a secretary earn? Not that I think I'll end up being one, but if I could, I won't mind.

Anyway, I've been thinking that I'm now looking at things from the wrong perspectives. All this lateral focus is killing me. Where's my upward focus? Once I think up, every burdened is lightened. But I always, forget, to think upwards. Until today when I got this packet of tissues at the MRT stop advertising Pastor Tang's evangelistic meetings. I didn't feel like going, but it reminded me, God is there, God is in charge, and my thoughts and actions these days were too self-centered to be worthy of being His child.

I need to focus on the right thing, once again. And then petty little things like academics and the future won't matter anymore, because what matters most, need to matter most to me.

Another nice thing that blessed my heart this week, is that I can't help noticing and feeling, how sweet some of my colleagues were :) This is pretty random. But life is always prettier with random little observations like this.

And my spirits were lifted today because I actually managed to finish reading up some articles for my downstream processing essay. Sigh. Give me research papers over patents any time. Patents are just so horrible to read.

The Other Side You Never See

A line I've always heard since primary school is this: 你会生气的咩?

I've seen a lot of people get angry, but not many people has really seen me in full blast of anger, except Jon, and my family members. I don't think Daddy or my grandparents have seen it before. Mummy has seen my anger, but not directed towards her, but my sisters. Dawn and Mable has experienced it before, since it is impossible for siblings not to quarrel. But after they grew up (especially these few years) we don't quarrel any more. Now the only person I quarrel with (sometimes), is Jon.

Now please don't misunderstand that Jon is the major irritant of my life. In fact it's just the opposite because we always get things resolved after quarreling and it brings us closer to each other. But these years of the lack of anger expression has robbed me of my ability to clear things upfront with people. I get upset, irritated, and angry; but I don't respond because I don't know how another person's response will be.

This is actually a rather toxic response - because other people won't actually know that I'm offended, and they take me for granted, emotionally. Because Gail is never angry, they forget to be emotionally sensitive in that sense. I show other emotions like tiredness, frustration, beh-song ness but seldom anger, especially to the person I am directly communicating with. But I do feel angry, sometimes. What can you say? I'm a girl and girls are brimming with emotions. So people, please remember that I have XX chromosomes and particular hormones in my body making me capable of anger too (but thankfully not aggression).

My grandmother always says: 家姐好好脾气 (Gail has a good temper, in Cantonese). Yes I am never, irritated with grown-ups in my family because I feel deeply indebted towards them, and they seldom misjudge me. But to others, the 'good temper' probably means just 'good anger management'. Or prevention of explosion. Or even hiding the fact that the volcano is boiling inside.

This is probably the only post I'm going to write with the component 'anger' inside. I always stop myself when I want to write posts scolding people. But one has to have an outlet somewhere, and here it is - only I don't mention names and events; but if you understand, you understand.

Yesterday we had in class this article "I'm nice, but I'm not dumb'. Yes I don't get frustrated, or scold people easily, but it doesn't mean that your toes should be the only ones I'm careful treading around. I have toes too. And it doesn't mean that if I'm your friend, and I'm covering up for the work you should have done - I do it willingly for you. I understand that people have commitments, but don't people realize that people who do extra have commitments too? Only they are mindful of the commitments of others' and do not delay their work so that everyone else's work gets delayed?

This is what I want to say, but can't say. This week is really brimming with work. LKK practices for next Tuesday. Drug essay which I've barely started reading up. HR project just submitted and presentation to be prepared for thus eating up my whole Sunday (last min LKK rehearsal at night too) when I'm supposed to be chiong that essay last minute.

LKK would have been very fun, if not for all the commitments that come crashing in at the same time. But I'm thankful that people have been understanding - especially SY: whom I know has a lot of things in hand too, but is willing to lead the group and make sure things are done properly. Thank God for Prof. Lee and Bevan too who have urgent needs for their paper but still bother to make room to account for Mei & I's exams. And for my supervisor, who gives compliments generously with no 'buts' at the end, and cares enough to ask about my exams and stuff. It's these little people in life who let you hold on, through horrible weeks like this.

An ending note: This is probably the most horrible post I'll ever write, and maybe I'll regret posting this at all. So please don't take things seriously after reading, but one take-home point to remember. Gail is a girl with relevant hormones, pimples and a heavy workload in a kiasu environment; is cranky, needs to sleep and can't get enough sleep, so sometimes she can get emo and angry too.

And ya, I still don't mind doing extra for projects - but sometimes, people need to show appreciation, in some form or other.

Last RH Concert + Handwritten Notes + Other Stuff

Just went for my last RH concert (I think). A bit too chim for me to understand, but thank goodness Wiki exists, and Piang Piang too. Now I get most of the play I think it was pretty well-adapted. Just couldn't get used to the native accents of some of the cast, as well as grasp the meaning of the play. But it's still a change - for once RH concert had quite some thought provoking stuff.

Liked the nice dinner/supper after that too :D

But I don't like the test that's still in store for me to mug. Next week it's a horribly busy week. Whole week packed with tests, submissions, preparation for submissions, and our RH special project. Ugh.

Anyway I got the promised nice handwritten note from my Mysterious Senior yesterday. Haha! Sorry for always checking my mails late. :S It's nice getting handwritten stuff, and hand-made stuff with drawings. :D

老地方

This is actually Richie Ren's song. I haven't been hearing his songs for a long time. Out of touch with the radio. Not really a fan of all his songs, but some are quite nice. The signature song of his would still be 'Xin Tai Ruan'. However there are others I prefer and this is one of them.

I like this song because it is set in the 'era' I like. I mean the tune of the song and the nice peaceful, bittersweet feel it carriers. This is the first time I'm seeing the MV.

I remember that my first personal experience with the radio was after I finished SPM (that's O-levels). Before that I only listen to the radio only if my dad or my grandparents play it. My sisters and mum didn't really like the radio. Daddy liked English songs.

That was the time when there was a long break and I was alone at home. I twiddled with the radio and fell in love with many many songs. There was Tong Hua by Guang Liang (which I'm bored off by now), Shao Nian, Wang Lee Hom's songs and those of other artists. That was the first time I fell in love with Chinese songs. And I'm still in love up till now. Chinese songs have a feel that English songs don't have. Especially this type.

Liu Ruo Ying (the girl) looks nice in this MV. Usually I don't too much of her looks (paiseh) but her songs are super nice. But here she looks quite pretty.

Hope to meet up with these good old songs some time soon. They always bring in sweet surprises.

Farewells

I've been in Schering-Plough four months already and have personally said goodbye to three colleagues. There are actually more of them who left, but these actually kind of knew me.

The first was a poly student who ended his internship. I rarely talked to him (except 'hi' and 'bye's), but we sort of lunched together the first few weeks I came - because I ate with some of the chemists. Was quite surprised when he actually came to my desk on his last day and announced that he was leaving. So he was the first person I bade farewell too.

The second colleague was a girl my age who worked in the lab - she stopped working because her contract has ended and she has decided to break from work to pursue her degree. I helped her look through her goodbye letter, and am currently taking over some of her work. I still see her in NUS though - she's in my course and year, though we don't have common modules. We are still keeping in touch.

Today one of the trainers left. I never talked much to him either, except during training and he asked me to help his nephew in year one on the bidding system (eventually I didn't need to help). He's a nice guy. Was rather speechless when he came over my desk to say that it was his last day, and shook hands with me. We exchanged well-wishes.

I know it is not quite long before I myself leave Schering-Plough too. Hence I shall decide here and now to do the following when I leave:

1. To say goodbye and thank every person that I know here.

2. To find out the names of more people. I was very enthu about this during the first month, but later faltered. And I realize I still don't know everyone in my office!

Farewells are hard to say. I hope when I leave I'd at least have done something worth remembering to one (or more persons) in Schering-Plough. And I'd really hate to leave because now I feel quite a part of that world already. I just wish I have more work in my hands for now. :p

I think I like this song more and more :D

Beautiful blending. Heard it first time on the shuttle bus radio on the way to work when I was transversing between the conscious world and the unconscious.

I wish Yoga Lim looked more mature and less 'boyish' though. He's the guy singer in the MV. But his voice is really nice. Mable intro-d me to the existence of this guy last hols. At first I thought he was 'just normal', but found out later that, again, she's right about his voice. :S

Focus Right

October is a stressful month with a whole myriad of things to do. It was amazing how I went to work today with a messy head thinking about 1001 issues and bursting with emotions.

Then I remembered the Lord. And I thought of Him and every negative thought went away.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face,

And the things on earth will go strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

It was so blissful, and calming and peaceful, remembering the Lord on my way to work in the shuttle bus. God is good. :) And JM is right - once the Lord is our focus, petty little things don't anymore. And I'm glad everything is turning right.

I think I've been spending a lot + other thoughts

I think I've been splurging a bit lately.

Sometimes I spend a little when I feel that I need perks (meaning when I feel bored, or stressed). And now these' perks' come in the form of food.

Well at least it's not clothes and shoes and bags, but still, little things add up to a lot. I think I need a lot of self-control.

Sigh and lately all the FB messages and stuff on the internet, somehow or other remind me that I'm going to graduate soon! I will miss NUS. Yes I will miss this National Uni of Stress/Stairs or whatever you want to call it.

I already don't feel like a student (probably due to IA). I don't feel like continuing my final sem (welcome to Design Project and FYP Presentation). I don't feel like studying while job-hunting. And you know how fast the weeks zoom by. I'll be graduating in no time.

NUS has changed me in so many ways. Both for the better and the worse. I think both directions, equally. It has kind of stretched me a bit. But one nice thing about this place is it has such nice scenery and facilities. And RH is so nice, and my roomie is so nice T__T. I don't want to leave all those.

However, I know we have to say good bye to places, and people, and phases of life eventually. The world is not our home.

So I have > 6 months to prepare for the departure. Hopefully the transition would be smooth. I will miss this place so much!

To Wes who always wanted to come here - I think there's really not too big a deal about NUS. You can success and be at the top anywhere. Singapore has a way of robbing your values, and shaping your thinking in a way most profitable to the nation's economy, but probably numbing your social and emotional senses on the way. If you ask me again, I think it's better not to come here and remain the who you are. I'm happy to be here, but if I could choose all over again, I would have learned earlier to be resistant to all its negative kiasu influences that have pounced on me.

Once you lost yourself, it takes so much effort to find you again.

That Small Black Dot

Here's that metaphor we always, always hear in talks but never seem to remember. In case you haven't been to such talks/sermons/read about this, this is the story on the black dot.

If the image above is a sheet of paper that looks like what it looks like, and I hold it up to you asking, "What do you see?", almost everybody, (with exception of those who probably read this analogy in some form or other before, will answer - a black dot.

That little black dot is probably just 1% of the whole paper, which is otherwise made of white space. Yet, somehow or other, it seems so representative of what that whole paper is.

Today, there are many black dots in our lives. Just with regards to people, there are always bad apples sprouting out of every tree. You can't expect everything to be spectacularly white, you can't help the bad eggs popping up here and there. Those things are just outside your sphere of control. What is within your sphere of control are two things:

1. First, don't be that bad egg. And be thankful if you aren't. Just think of yourself as being thought of as a bad egg. That's worse than having to cope with one. If those bad eggs have anything to be pitied about, that's about the biggest thing there is.

2. Secondly, don't be affected by that bad egg so much, until you neglect/affect the other eggs. For example, project groups, the most significant issue I'm facing now. Today I'm just thankful for one of those other good eggs, who said, I'll help you cope if you have to pick up the mess from the bad eggs. Thank God for those bad eggs who made me realize how nice the good ones were! And to learn to appreciate the good ones more. It is always worse to let good things pass you by unnoticed, than to have to notice bad ones (hope I am clear here). Appreciate the good eggs. And most importantly, don't let those negative emotional vibes affect them until they feel negative too! Especially if everything could actually be completed without involving the bad eggs. Why then let them spoil the meal?

3. Thirdly, check if the eggs are really bad. Some eggs are just bad in certain ways but good in others. Some may seem to be bad all over, but it never hurts to leave just some room for good will to last. You never know when you need it.

The third point is actually very important because I find that there's always nothing to lose from doing that. So what if people are all out to 'use' you and get you? I grew up all through my school years with hardly any feelings of being used. There are some who say, you are a lucky one, all your friends are sincere (or at least not devious), they don't take advantage of you. It was up to a point that I wonder whereby this blissful situation was a realistic one or one merely perceived by myself. But perceiving things in a positive light is probably better than probing way down the roots and drawing your (very depressing) conclusions. At least it leaves you space to be kind to others, and to think the best of people. And you don't know who's ways you could change just by acting that way.

Some people may think that acting that way is going to make a person lose out in life. So what should you do if someone is treating you like a footstool to clamber his way to the top? To answer this question you may want to define 'the top'. If fame, fortune and accomplishments add up to 'happiness', you'd probably be a happier person than he is, but not at his expense. What could be better than that?

So don't forget there's the big white space at the background! And when you can't change anything, the only thing you could do is to change your own mindset. And that is a very big change indeed. Just like a drop of water in the calm ocean, you don't know how far the ripples can go. Both the good ripples, and the bad ones.

The Month of Timelines

October is here, and so are projects, tests and a new direction in my research project.

Our HR project is finally getting in shape. Not that I've seen any write-ups come out yet, but at least timelines and job scopes are properly allocated, and finally, everyone has responded at least once to emails. All the administration and people-bugging aside, I actually quite like this project. (Maybe I'm biased towards all things HR because I liked the project I did last year too, which was HR-related.) If I get to choose a course all over again, I'll study business and major in HR! There's so many interesting aspects to it, and the applications seem nice too, especially in big organizations.

Still, I believe there's a purpose and direction with me being in Chem Engineering. And I especially know that somehow, the engineering 'sense' of studying has given me much more leeway to appreciate HR (and psychology related) articles, and the ability to be able to analyze situations, much more than if I had plunged into it right at the start in the form of an MBA degree.

Our group has 7 persons, a little too big to manage, but I take comfort that the project paper is only as long as one IA report of mine. If I can churn out an IA report in 2 days, this should be OK, except this requires much more thinking, reading and analysis; which I have already done much and enjoy too. (Love the other module readings as well.) However, many times my view points are rather biased towards what I have already learned, so it's good to appreciate what others' think too.

I had my first CA on Downstream Processing of Pharmaceutical Products. It wasn't good, but not too bad either. Was tricked by every question set. Sigh. The lecturer was pretty nice about our results though. And he does teach well. I like this module - a lot. And it sort of compliments my Industrial Attachment. I'm not directly involved in the manufacturing sections taught in the module, but at least I can relate to most things he talks about.

There's another term paper on the Downstream module to come, plus the submission and presentation of our HR report, and another test for Downstream. My report for Prof Lee is almost 'just started'. And I have something to do in hall too. I'm quite stressed now and have been sleeping late. It doesn't really affect my productivity, but it affects my temper. I'm very quick to feel impatient now. And I'm not the only person whose temper is getting worse. My impatience doesn't come out in the form of anger, but just... impatience. I walk as fast as I could back to school after work (for no reason), and get irritated by people hogging the right side of the MRT escalator, standing absolutely still, blocking the whole line of people behind, and the MRT song comes out and I know I'm going to miss the train. Although that just means another 5 min wait, it irks me somehow. Am really spoilt by Singapore's near-perfect transport system.

Oh, and I just found out today, that by the time reading week ends, all my exams will end too. (Usually my exam doesn't start until reading week is completely over.) That means one week less to study, but on the bright side, this work-and-study life will end over, and I can finally start sleeping early before going to work.

XJ came to Singapore for work the past few days, and I met him with Jon. I think he's actually more excited about meeting Jon than meeting me. =.= Oh well, people are naturally curious. :S So we met at Vivo City and had Soup Spoon for dinner, thanks to Andrew's promotion. XJ used to be my virtual friend, and he has evolved into a physical one now. I wonder how many more virtual friends I will get to meet. There's a whole bunch of them in Malaysia that I hardly communicate with now. And there's Wes in Philippines, who has been really kind in helping me disseminate my survey to his friends, up to the point it made me feel rather ashamed of myself for not always thinking for other people like this.S

Today during Bible Study, JM says the only way for us to always make the right decision is to make God the only thing that matters in our heart. I agree, so much. I have been too protective of myself to think of others over here in NUS. I have been really stingy over my time, and I still am. I can't get over it. But I hope through this reminder, God will grow bigger and bigger in my heart, and I'll invest my time in Him and in others more and more.