People like people who like them and who are like them. Debatable but mostly true.
Can I not take sides? Can I just sit on the fence forever? Must I really take a side so as to really belong? And that belonging is only confined to one side? But if I'm on the fence I'll never really belong to neither side?
It's just this: I believe people are all different, and I don't like to judge people for being different. I don't like to have clear cut lines of love and war. I am able to accept you being different from me. Does that mean I have to accept you not liking me because I can accept more people and types of behavior than you could?
I don't know which is worse. Being in a cold and emotionless environment, or being in one rampant with too many strong emotions. Emotions that could be good (towards me) but too strong. Maybe I'm not sensitive enough to feel, or decisive enough to choose. Maybe I like living life with large forgiving margins of tolerance, thus not being able to love something all the way, or dislike something all the way.
I know this is kind of wishy washy, but at the same time I also know, this is part of me, and this is what I'm like. Unfortunately, I also know this is not what most people are like.
Will I never ever be able to belong because I am being who I am? And am I brave enough to keep on being who I am despite this all?
Just felt so tired with battling all these waves of emotions after coming back. For someone who sits on the fence this much, I do want to feel myself as part of a bigger group. Not just politely being accepted in, but truly taken in as one of their own. But I guess it's difficult, and in the same way it's not good to force me not to be me, it's hard to force others to accept me as me too.
It seems so ironic, so contradictory for one who is so conflict-averse, to repeatedly create ripples of under-the-surface conflicts because of my conflict-averse personality.
Still I know God put me here for a purpose. And sometimes though I just feel like giving up and moving out of this circle, so that I can happily stay neutral and not be bothered by all these emotions, the reminder of this purpose makes me have the courage to hold on. The reminder to love different people all the way, because they are loved by God the way I am, and they are imperfect the way I am too. And though I may not see how I can fit in and what God's purpose is for putting an awkward shape like me here: I believe all things work for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
So here I am, to learn to fret no more, and to love more.
