离别

前几天,我在中华小学的一位老师离开了人间.她的健康最终输给了癌症.

老师曾教了我三年科学,对我有教育之恩.看着Facebook里面的照片,虽然大部分都没有我自己在内,但是看了还是百感交际.

这几年来死亡不停侵犯我认识的人,我对它的攻击已经有了莫名的麻木.看到Facebook那里有个学妹说自己不想那么早死,相必是受这些事情的影响吧.

我自己恰好相反.我害怕的不是自己的死亡.它在我身旁掠过这么几次,我对它的恐惧也逐渐消减. 若它找上我, 我也可以随它走. 最可怕的是它夺走的却是自己身边所爱的人, 只能眼睁睁看着它威力无穷的摧毁, 而不能做什么.

丧礼. 总不是为离开的人设立的. 是为活着的人.

现在已经二十多岁了, 小学的日子离我好远. 老师的离别, 却把那些日子再拉得好近. 中华的老师,是伟大的老师. 没有他们的严峻教导, 努力为我们作考前准备, 还有关注我们的人格, 今天的李美恩, 会很不一样. 如果我的读书生涯有一个叛逆的低谷, 这低谷在中华; 如果我的人生有个转向高峰的转折点, 这个转折也在中华.

我爱中华一切的教导. 我的学业成就, 全赖中华伟大的老师们,还有教导我敬重老师的母亲. 我愿天下的学子, 都能有这个福气, 遇上这样的老师. 他们的付出, 对学生的恩惠, 为学校的贡献, 真是千言万语也说不尽.

Some recollections

This is another random post, mainly because I haven't been blogging for a long time lately. I was starting a blog on Monopoly Deal but abruptly lost interest and have saved it as a draft. Maybe it will resurface one day.

Now I'm at home doing FYP research, and finally caught sized of one of those humongous rats Mable mentioned, that are too smart enough to avoid getting caught in traps. Oh well, at least the one I saw was crawling out of, not into the house.

Room balloting is on-going now. I'm most likely getting back the room I had last year, with Tirza, although she can't ballot yet. That means I get to avoid all the hassle of moving. Just need to tidy and clean up my room to get ready for a new year ahead. My last year in RH and in NUS.

As I have mentioned in Facebook, thanks to Wes' desire to visit NUS, I do wish that I could bring my friends and family over to have a visit there too. Apart from all the stress and price hikes in accommodation (and now school fees too), NUS is a lovely place to study in because of its facilities and wonderful scenery. I always think that the person(s) who designed the university had in mind one that was beautiful, because there's so many very beautiful places in NUS! One of them is RH I suppose (because Mummy and Daddy said it was), but I've been there so long that I'm actually immune to its beauty, except during daybreak when the sun just comes out, and it looks so quiet and serene. But I'm sure all places in Singapore will look like that during day break, except bus stations and MRT stations which are starting to be crowded by that time. Another of those places is the lane from the Central Library crossing to SOC and Biz. There's a sort of park next to it, its very wide, very green with benches in the middle. It's just an open space that doesn't leave one's mind connected to studying at all! Even muggers avoid that place :) And there's this very high stairways from YIH going all the way up to Engineering, that has a sort of bridge-like thing with lots of trees growing at the side, which is the nicest to me, when it rains. The Faculty of Arts has such a place too :)

NUS is a beautiful place, and even if I have a horrible CAP I'm happy to have studied there!

I went to our Youth Fellowship meeting yesterday, and what blessed me most was Uncle Barry's 10 Declarations for Youth that he drafted himself. The declarations were good and covered all areas that should be covered as far as I could see. But it was not the quality of the declaration that I was impressed about, rather, it was his concern over the youth in our church. Although most of the kids in MIF (the Intermediate Fellowship) were still young (primary school or early secondary school), the things that he challenged them to do after the prayer meeting did not send the message that they were still young and hence, have the license to take their time and go slow; but he challenged them like adults. That's what they need to grow up in the right direction, I feel, and their leaders should see that.

There was this last line in the Declaration that said: 我们活着是要荣神益人(Our purpose of living is to glorify God, and bless/serve others). Indeed if we look at things in this light, many things that are big, seem much smaller - and you get so much assurance that if we put God first in the things we do, He'll take care of all the worries. But there's one thing we must guard - our heart which is therein springs all the issues of life. A heart that puts God first in everything we do, that protects itself against sin, that is ready and desires to worship and cleanses and purifies itself before it does.

I Miss This

I miss playing the piano. I don't play in hall now because Comm Hall is under renovation and it's out of bounds. I don't play at home now because the keys in my piano are getting 'soft' and ain't coming up properly till Daddy decides to tune it. So I don't play at all.

Both pianos don't look like the one in the pic above. The one that looks like that is the one in my church (Tampin), which I miss the most. It sounds the nicest, and I suppose it should be so since it should be the most expensive one. I hope my playing doesn't deteriorate too much by the time the Comm Hall piano is ready again.

And I keep on getting stuck in FYP. Sigh. Why can't I just piece what I'm supposed to do together instead of understanding fragments here and there and not being able to see the whole picture? Too much biology at one go compounded with other weird simulation terminology and databases are not good at all.

When sem starts I'm going to be a Final Year. Feel so old. And so un-enthusiastic in everything. And yesterday I had a horrible dream about results (out in 31st May). I had one D one C and one C+ (for MNO!!!). Ah well... at least when I woke up I found out it wasn't true. There's still hope after all :)

為主來夢想

相片里儿时的模样记录着年少的时光

曾经在你我的心中

要登上月亮 要飞越太平洋

多年后 我们都成长 告别了清涩和迷惘

曾经在你我的心中 编织的梦想是否已遗忘

人生的理想是为主发光

拭去了泪水使我们更坚强

路依然漫长别失去盼望

痛苦时记得有主在你身旁

为主来梦想 为主来发光

虽然有挫折 但我不用沮丧

主是我力量 主指引方向

我们的日子有梦想

有灿烂的阳光

Found this song that has been ringing around my head lately. Its quite unusual for a song to stay in my head when I haven't been listening to it so long. Anyway there was one point of my life that I really loved this one. Its a very nice song, well sung and well written. It's one of the type of songs that I wished I'll be able to write. During that brief window of my life, when I tried my hands on composing, I wanted to come up with this kind of lyrics (I was actually more interested in lyric-writing than writing the music). I wanted to write something people would actually think about, when they sang the song, something rather than those normal cliche lines that are reproduced from one song to another. For those who don't know Chinese, its about reminiscing the days when we were having a dream for God, and picking up those dreams again.

I haven't shared this with anyone yet, but since its nothing to be embarrassed about I guess I'll share it here. Back when I was Form1-Form3 (I can't remember exactly which year), I actually wanted to be a doctor and work in the mission field. :) Anyway after that I realized how foolish it was to have a dream so that I could just stand in the forefront and do God's work, without considering if that was really the thing God wanted me to do. I'll never make a good doctor, for I don't have that much love within me to sustain myself through those tough hours; and even if I do... I don't know, maybe it just wasn't in me to care for others that way. That's why eventually I concluded that I don't have that in me to make a good doctor, or even a good teacher. Last time one of my teachers kept asking me to become a teacher. I said no, but I didn't tell him why. The truth is I knew that even if I became a teacher, all I'd care of is the results of my students, and maybe the admin work I'm supposed to do, but I don't have that much love in me to care about their lives. It will be too taxing on me I think.

I still don't want to be a doctor or a teacher; but I want that spirit of mine back again. The heart that says, God, I'll do for you what I can do best in. At that point it was studying. Sharing things I've read. Playing the piano. Leading small activities. Blogging and forum moderating. Thinking of and praying for people. Now, I've lost myself. I don't see what I'm good at, because everywhere I see people way better than me in every area. NUS does give me an inferiority complex.

I love the Bible study discussions we were having lately. It was not just one discussion or another, but a strong cumulative effect that showed me that in this life, it's not about us, it's about God. My favorite Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength, is not supposed to be limited, or may I say, degraded, to tell me that God will pull me through my exams, and this dreadful rat race I'm about to be in, only. Life is not about being a rat, its about a bigger macro view of telling God's love to others, one way or another, so that they may see and be saved. That is what this verse, and many of his promises that I used to blindly claim - and limit, to my exams, is really about.

That God hates sin, all men will be judged, and even Christians need to know this.

For be doers of the word, and not hearers only deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of a word, and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.

James 1: 22-24

Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on the house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.

But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.

Matt 7:24-26

Life is really not about building up empires, getting famous, doing things people have never done before, and to boast of it. True, it is what the world values, and what, as they may tell you, being young is all about.

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, And the years draw near when you say, I have no pleasure in them. - Ecc 12:1

and,

Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. 1Tim 4:12

Yes I know we've all learned 1 Tim 4:12 since we were primary school kids or so, but how many of us know that being an example to believers isn't about carrying on your everyday life and thinking: this is enough? And this is my way of being an example? Christians need to stretch their comfort zone, stop being passive, and go further than that.

It all starts with a dream, but it doesn't stop there. And as I stand here at one of the cliffs of life, thinking, wondering, and dreaming: This is the time to claim the promises of God. This is the time to claim Phillippians 4:13. :)

Post Exam

This is the end of my third year in NUS. When school reopens, I'll officially be a Final Year, ending my school life.

I haven't been blogging in a gazillion years, and I have loads of things to say... yet I don't feel like blurting everything out in one night. I still have to rush out a bit more FYP readings before meeting my supervisor tomorrow, else I'll be really blur. Going home on Sunday afternoon, and back again in NUS on the Thursday after that for FYP meeting.

Just a recap about my modules this year.

Engineering in Drug Delivery - People who like to mug, can stand boredom, and can do differentiation properly should take this. The tutorial questions are horrible but exam questions are OK. Its like MA1505 and MA1506, if you know what I mean; only less intense, and there's plenty of chance to read up about drugs, which is what I liked. I wish the exam weight-age was more on the drug components and pharmacokinetics, it was so interesting and kind of important, but was not really emphasized on. The maths was OK, I could actually do everything, but I WOULD read the question wrongly and leave out the term 'gradient' behind the word 'concentration' behind a 50 mark question. I don't want to think of what grades I'd get for this module, it was the VERY FIRST TIME I could finish almost all questions in an exam paper (by almost all I mean 80-90%) and I have to leave a single word out in the question paper to kill my grades. Not to mention I had near perfect CA scores too. GAH. I guess being careless isn't a thing an engineer should be so I'll just take this lesson along with the others and trust God to give the grade that He feels I deserve.

Chem Eng Lab III - My very last lab - I don't know whether I'll ever be wearing my lab coat again. It already has holes here and there due to my dragging it here and there, and various stains too, from highlighter stains to spills here and there. I'm kind of glad that I don't need it for FYP or my attachment - it's too embarrassing to be displayed in public. Thank God for good lab mates, who are all very prompt and cooperative, that I have to say, this is the best lab group I have had for all three modules (sorry Kasun and Mich)! Its really hard to find 5 people who all put in their best effort together for a mere 2 MC module! Lab was fun, and for once all my vivas were OK! To K&M, you guys were great in a way too haha :)

Management and Organization: I was super happy I took this module... not because I was going to score in it or anything but I learned heaps from it, and now I'm very, very interested in HR! The video taught me more things than I thought it would: It was a very humbling process that forced me to open my eyes and admit all my faults when I was all alone thinking about it. Our video was not a bomb and it was the only one in the tutorial class that was not nominated for any form of award. But it was in this I learned how to really manage a group, and make good friends :) I saw all my weaknesses in managing people and a project, even though all my group mates saw were my good points (and I love them for seeing all that). Really took home a lot from there, only it was too late when I knew what I should and could have done. Well, it was just too late for this project, but not for future ones, I'm sure!

Consulting Skills for Transformational Leaders: Yew Hong always squirms when I say I'm taking a Level 3 Business module haha. I really like Business modules, and I believe that they are not going to be impracticable in an Engineering setting, especially the HR aspects. This module really complemented my Management and Organization module, and vice versa. MNO was broad, this was deep (and broad). The professor itself was enough to give anyone an inferiority complex. He had his Masters in Harvard, and PHD in Oxford, a Fellow in McKinsey consultant, help Malaysia set up the e-government system, worked in many countries and for many organizations, wrote numerous papers, taught management in China (and in Chinese). He's German, but he knows a whole lot of languages. He properly addressed and answered everyone of our weird, situational questions in class, and was very practical in his answers. He knows his values well and stands firmly by them. (And if all that is not enough, he's handsome too!) For all these, I shall forgive him of the Very Weird Question he set for us during exams, which I answered to the best of my ability. This module made me reflect a lot on my leadership qualities too - and thought of how I could have been a better leader in my project groups, in church, in RH CME. I was always the leader who labors, but not the leader who manages and plans. The leader who allocates everyone a job to do, and anxiously wait for results (and most occasionally is forced to finish the work myself), not the leader who inspires people to do work, and let them know and feel the work is meaningful. I have a lot to learn in leading, and in managing things in an organization.

FYP: There's nothing much to say about my FYP because its so broad that its confusing me and I'm still supposed to be looking things now at this hour. :X Thank God for a nice professor who is always encouraging and a helpful supervisor. Also thank God for Mei who is taking this project with me, so I'm not alone. In fact she makes me want to buck up because it looks like she's been so hardworking all the while and I've been neglecting my FYP for my other modules. Time is scarce and I only have less than two months to complete my work before I start my attachment in Shering Plough. Hence I'll have to buck up and sweat for it every day of the hols! And hopefully brush up my MATLAB skills in the process.

Concluding thought for the semester: I'm very, very interested in HR now, especially after talking to Yew Kwan when he helped me for my project for my Transformational Leaders module! And I'll taking the compulsory HR module for engineers next semester, so I'll be enjoying that too (hopefully)! Somehow I do wish that whatever job I'm taking up in the future has some HR element in it, although I'm not an MBA graduate. I wonder how that's going to happen but I know what I've learned this semester is somehow going to be put into good use through my life!

All this while I've been struggling with something else too... I'm still a bit hesitant to commit my service to God in one, unknown area, that I still don't know what it is. Need much prayer and guidance now for this :) My NUS journey has taught me how important it is, for a young person to dream dreams that are different, dreams different from what most inhabitants in this concrete jungle dream. I should dare to dream big, to do something for God. I wonder what that something is, but I hope I'll not be too timid, and selfish, to carry such a dream in my heart.