A loss

I dropped my iPhone 5 somewhere and couldn't find it again yesterday. Wouldn't go through the details but now I'm pretty sure it's picked up already cz it's been turned off. And most likely it's bye bye forever. Add that to the tonne of mistakes I've been making at work the past week and finally an official deviation discovered yesterday, it's like the reverse of icing on the cake.

To be honest I am very shocked at my reaction after losing the phone, especially during the first few hours. I started to panic (which is normal), then called everyone around the world that could possibly help me wake poor Jon up, and had people logging in case IDs for me and stuff. Then when I slowly explained the whole thing to Andrew and Jon, I felt tears brimming in my eyes. It was then that I was both surprised and shocked. Why am I even crying over a phone? It's expensive and it's beautiful, and it was an apple of my eye. When I teared I remember missing it's white plastic cover, my screen saver, the sense of touch when I hold it, putting it back into it's pouch, putting it on my table next to me at work, etc. etc. etc. Yeah and the weirder thing was Jon said he also wanted to cry too cz he missed my phone as well.

Since when did I let my phone takeover such an emotional part of my life? I would have understood if I cried if I lost say an engagement ring, or NT or Hunny or Dee Dee. Or my keys, ID, or passport! But a phone is something that is replaceable (albeit it will burn a hole in my pocket some more just for a downgrade), impersonal (data will be retrieved), and only slightly inconvenient (substitute phone number available, internet available at home)And ya I was sad because I didn't get to go home today too.

Anyway it's a bright red alert signal for me to stop and think if I've been too attached to this phone for it's beauty and (relative) uniqueness. If I've been too reliant on it to fill my time and get things done for me. So much that when I just lose it, such a big part of myself is at a loss.

Still, thank God for showing me so much grace today. For my dear colleague Brenda who first phoned up everyone else, and called the cab company and called the company so many times all on her own initiative to fix up everything officially. (And hence, having to sleep late to boot). For Andrew who chatted with me to calm me down and for trying to call my housemates. For Jon thinking of all sorts of remedy for me to replace my phone and providing comfort, letting my dad know and getting a temp phone out. For my team leader who took up a tremendous amount of work so that I could settle down after the tragedy to mope and rant on FB and get things straightened out; and then despite being so tired, tried to comfort me through the shift. For Jerome who lent me his own pre-paid SIM card. For Campus-ers whom I know are supporting me through prayer even though I can't see their messages on Whatsapp anymore, I trust their faithfulness. For words of comfort and words of concern from my sister and friends.

Seriously if not for all these people I would just have fainted and MC-d at work. And I can't do that because it's a two man team that night shift meaning if one of us is down, nothing can go on at all (you need and analyst and a reviewer for all tests). So despite being 'incapacitated' I still managed to cover a considerable amount of work during shift. Thank God for presence of mind.

Some things just can't be bought with money, and fortunately, they are the things that I did not lose. The past week I've been moping about some people I've lost. This day showed me that many still love me. And God's own promise in Romans 8:28 kept floating in my mind throughout the whole ordeal, as well as His command to rejoice, always. By the end of the morning I was able to thank Him for this chance to go through this so that I could rejoice just for His sufficient grace, and for the fact that He allowed this to happen and He is in control. The question that kept on being pressed to me now was 'where is your testimony'?

I did far from well. But there's always sufficient grace for me to go on. Thank God.

Shield Me

It is a new day and I just want to thank God for being the God I desire. For bring who He is: beautiful, holy, to be desired above all things.

For I am still fighting my battles and when other desires and temptations pull my heart, the only thing I could do to stop myself being wrenched away was to turn my thoughts to Him. These deadly, attractive thoughts close to my heart, knowing where to target where I am most helpless, telling me that fighting back to starve those unlawful desires is only something that will court endless misery.

I feel like just lying down there awaiting to be devoured, too tired to move or fight. And fight I couldn't. This morning on the bus back home, my usual time of spacing out those thoughts desires and memories came to haunt me. I couldn't fight back to resist. But thank God He was faithful. I didn't have to fight. I only had to look.

It was not easy, remembering how to look, to want to look. For looking at God meant even more pain in denying myself. But the moment I chose to, those evil shadows fled. They fled, and I was at peace. My strength that was gone ebbed back in.

And then I understood what Jesus said when He said that His yoke is easy and His burden light. Yet two chapters after that I shuddered to read of the cruel death that John the Baptist went through. The way he was trivially beheaded thanks to the whims of a king's daughter who allowed herself to be used by her vengeful mother. How is such a yoke easy, God, I struggled. My heart went out to this faithful man's death.

My struggles can make my heart ache but they are nothing compared to martyrdom . Yet each day, many times a day, I must subject myself to death, putting to death the desires of sin on the cross, putting to death me who wants me to be pleased. Yet it became easy when I could draw strength from God, knowing that He is good, He knows, He understands, He prepared me for this and He is my reward.

You alone my strength, God. You alone my shield. You alone my heart's desire, and I long to worship You.

Intelligent manga

I googled those two words as in the blog title because I was again hooked to Liar Game the past few weeks. They have a new chapter in progress and I think while waiting I read through the previous chapters at least thrice.

I wanted to start on another manga besides Liar Game and so I found many comparisons between Liar Game and Death Note. Read the other one too to find out more but was really rather disappointed in terms of plot strategy.

I would say Death Note is superior to Liar Game in terms of artwork and character building. Liar Game characters are much less fleshed out but I like them just the way they are. The story of Death Note is more intricate and it has a darker plot which decreases its appeal to me although the plot is really well thought out.

To me Liar Game still wins by far and I seriously doubt I would find another manga or comic that would make me read it with such relish as compared to this one. And I would say the Liar Game story works best in the form of a manga as it is as opposed to say it being written as a book or played in a movie (it already had series and a film out).

My favorite character has been and is still Akiyama who is intelligent, cool, always in control and cares a lot for people although he pretends that he doesn't. I think the art depiction of him brings out that character although he could have been handsomer.

I really wonder how Liar Game would end. The plot has been genius so far. I am so curious for the ending but at the same time I don't wish for the series to close.

2013

Somehow it doesn't feel like a new year to me. Just a continuation of the old one. Maybe I'm just trying to deny the fact that i will be turning 26 this year. Getting older. I don't really mind getting older actually although it brings those much feared wrinkles and all the problems that come with aging. I just don't want certain other people to age along with me.

I haven't made many plans for the year actually. Still a bit lost about what areas I am going to serve in for the year, what new things I want to learn at work, what mission trips or activities to go for. It's still a big blank calendar waiting to be filled up. It's empty yet it's the emptiness that makes it messy.

This first month is already a bit different. Jon will not be around with me as much for camp and china mission trip, as well as another day for Gid and WM's Subang wedding dinner. I do feel a bit left out in a sense but I guess it's a good break as we have become somewhat too reliant on each other's company now. Or at least I am.

Also my only other girl colleague in my team is getting transferred out to another team for two months. This definitely means a change in team dynamics as she does kind of link all of us together in a way. From production schedule work seems to be piling up in the first few months of the year and overall the lab will be seeing a shortage in manpower. This means we need to work faster and at the same time there is also a higher need to be helpful, considerate, and forgiving. I hope the change will be for the good of my character.

Watched The Hobbit two days ago and I would say that overall I would take the movie (at least this first part) to be superior to the book in terms of story telling. This review merits a whole post so I will leave that to next time.