Compressed

These few weeks at work has been really challenging. The workload has just increased, and it feels like the moment I step into the lab, I work non-stop until the 8 hours is over. Even eating is done at top speed. And I think we'll continue to work this way for a long time. 

I seriously don't mind being fully occupied from start to end of my shift. I don't even mind forgoing my toilet breaks for work. But it's stressful because besides having to do things fast, I have to do them accurately. And people like me who always like to plan my time with a comfortable buffer have to plan it exactly right now, with almost no allowances for surprises such as instrument column getting choked, faulty pumps, need to refill used solvents etc. It's very tiring.

Sometimes I just start a run without checking more than once and just hope anxiously that there's nothing wrong.

I must say this is good for me in a way. If I don't gain that much intellectual knowledge (my learning is plateauing now), I might as well gain other skills such as working quickly and accurately, as well as being able to multi-task. To meet the needs for other people as well as my own. 

It is difficult because it is under stress that I make myself emotionally vulnerable. My self control breaks down and sometimes I do and think things that make me ashamed of myself. Ranging from harmless effects like yammering nonsense, to the 'mind my own business first before thinking of helping others' mentality. 

I also find that I emit a lot of negative energy when I'm stress. Jon knows this too well, but usually I keep all this confined at home (poor him). Now it goes out to my colleagues too. I don't verbally complain a lot, but my face shows that I'm stressed. And when you see your lab mates with long faces and hear them sighing, it's really rather depressing. As the state in my lab is most of the time depressing enough, I try my best not to add to the negative energy. But it's so difficult because it all surfaces so easily.

Just been feeling really disappointed with myself the last few days before my off-rest. I am someone easily affected by negative energy. That's why I'm not really the best candidate if you want to talk to someone whom you can off-load your problems too. If you do it too many times I tend to be affected by your emotions too, and generally start to feel impatient. Not that I like to be like that, in fact that's part of me that I don't really like. The part that thinks of 'me' first, how I'm affected by your moods, instead of being empathetic towards why you are feeling that way, unless your problem really connects with my emotions in the first place. Yes it's difficult to confide to someone like that, and it's harder to know you're like that but you can't change.

It's hard to keep in focus and remember - the extra work I'm putting in, the extra hours crammed into one, is to keep the cost of drugs low so that someone may afford them better. At least I hope it leads to that.

And on my last shift cycle I was going home feeling that I've done a bad job and have become an emotional burden. Then I remembered this Bible verse from Psalms.

"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the lifter up of my head."

Those three words meant so much to me. Shield. Glory. And 'lifter up of my head'. 

Shield me against temptation to sin in thought and sin in action. My glory is the most glorious God of heaven, my source of joy in every occasion, my source of holiness, for indeed God is holy therefore He is glorious. Lifter of my head for there is no reason to be downcast when He is with me.

And I felt so much better. Now at work I'll think of my shield, my glory, and the lifter up of my head. It takes that burden away, and makes things so much purposeful.