Loving through Giving

I think one of the greatest manifestations of love is giving. And there's always something I find very difficult to give.

I could love by giving gifts.
I could love by giving time.
I could love by giving service.
I could maybe, even love, by giving my life.

But I still find it really difficult to give myself away. So far I've only done that with Jon. He's probably one of the only few people in this world (or one of the people in the world?) who sees me the way I truly am, if such an authentic version of me really exists.

Every other side of me I show to the world always amplifies certain traits and hides others.

Gail at work has amplified sense of responsibility, cleanliness (yes, shocking not?), timidness, and innocence (not done on purpose OK).

Gail in church at home has amplified sense of responsibility, amicability, talent (yes, not my fault that people perceive this way) and spirituality.

Gail at home is left to your imagination. I really don't now how people perceive me at home in different stages except that you all think I'm really skinny and sloppily dressed, and maybe very good tempered.

Virtual Gail is probably perceived as very sentimental, and feels things more than she really does. Also much more vocal and opinionated than in real life. Sense of judgement becomes better too, though I don't know for the world why.

Real Gail is a mixture of all in moderation. Plus some other undesirable traits I do not care to elaborate (like over-reliant on boyfriend and stuff). In fact I don't know what Real Gail is like. The Real Gail that I perceive that I show to Jon is merely Gail un-filtered (or filtered with much bigger sieve pores).

You see, I have this remarkable ability of filtration when I face the outside world. Through years of stupid mistakes in talking and acting (still happens now, but frequency reduced), I run multiple scenarios through my mind before deciding the best course of action or response I give to any situation. Best words to use when counselling someone. How to react to emergency. How to react when I make mistakes, and when my mistakes get pointed out to me. How to treat different people. How to communicate with different people.

And so the Gail you see through these tiny pores that 'I' get through is pretty much the censored version. Of course I know that it is definitely not healthy to let emotions run wild in front of people around you or even on Facebook. Imagine if I face you with a thousand moans a day, or just scold you directly when I'm angry at you. Imagine if I complained about people and things without thinking if my concerns make sense in the first place or not.

It is good and useful to filter, but it is also something that I've done too well. So well that I feel vulnerable when people see a glimpse of me behind that sieve I'm using. When they hear a certain word out of place. When they say, 'I didn't know you were actually like this'.

But loving is not like that. Loving is actively opening up yourself to someone, not to comfort or encourage or appreciate even, but giving yourself by sharing with them things you really truly feel. And that's why I feel drawn to people who could actually to that. People who honestly tell me who they are angry with, why they are upset, how they feel about issues, ranging from tiny little things to life and death. As for me, I think and filter too much of what to say that I end up tongue tied till an opportunity to love passes me by.

Jon said to me that there's an ocean in me but it is restricted till just a trickle comes out at a time. I think so too. And it's so hard to keep that ocean in. But I am reduced to tongue-tied agony in the midst of people poring our their heart to me. I need more love in my heart: more, more, more to break this barrier of honest, loving communication, to break this sense of vulnerability to let people have more of me.

I need wisdom to speak the right words.
I need courage to speak up.
But most of all, I need to have love to give myself.

For even Jesus gave of Himself to the people whom he met in His time on earth. Oh God of love, please empower me to love. Please empower me to give of myself.