I've been shopping on my own and making my little trips round Singapore a lot these two years. Recently I was asked if this feels lonely? And I replied that I now preferred to window shop on my own.
Anyway a consequence of this was recently I have started to notice the world out there a bit more. It's not really 'out there' as you'd describe it. It's just those normal things: HdB flats under the glaring afternoon sun. The stormy skies. The streetlights against the road in the late night. Bustling traffic full of people. Blue blue morning skies. Empty school fields.
And being the quick paced person I am, I quickly pass by all these and enter the walls of the shopping malls or libraries. Indeed I do not dare permit myself to stop and just let one two hours pass by to think. Because the unknown sense of memories associated with these random environmental scenes is too big for me to take in.
I think, if I was all alone in say, east coast park and I sit in a quiet corner letting my mind run free, it would overwhelm me. The memories, not too bitter, not too sweet; will still haunt and haunt me the same, just and just because they represent days that have passed and will never come back again. That person that I was and will never be again.
Indeed I do not dare. I would inexplicably, mysteriously be so lost, that it would be hard to retrieve myself from the world that was.
Isn't it funny? Just those mundane, day to day things would invoke such ripples of nostalgia in me. Boring unnoticeable events would appeal so much to me right now. I wonder if what I am doing now would affect me or move me to think so decades down the road. The people, the things, the sights and smells.
How hard it is to go back to old familiar places without reminiscing, without wishing somehow, the good old days could be replayed. How can change be coped otherwise, if not through the numbing of these senses.
But that doesn't mean we can't hope for more beautiful things in the future :)
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