That Small Black Dot

Here's that metaphor we always, always hear in talks but never seem to remember. In case you haven't been to such talks/sermons/read about this, this is the story on the black dot.

If the image above is a sheet of paper that looks like what it looks like, and I hold it up to you asking, "What do you see?", almost everybody, (with exception of those who probably read this analogy in some form or other before, will answer - a black dot.

That little black dot is probably just 1% of the whole paper, which is otherwise made of white space. Yet, somehow or other, it seems so representative of what that whole paper is.

Today, there are many black dots in our lives. Just with regards to people, there are always bad apples sprouting out of every tree. You can't expect everything to be spectacularly white, you can't help the bad eggs popping up here and there. Those things are just outside your sphere of control. What is within your sphere of control are two things:

1. First, don't be that bad egg. And be thankful if you aren't. Just think of yourself as being thought of as a bad egg. That's worse than having to cope with one. If those bad eggs have anything to be pitied about, that's about the biggest thing there is.

2. Secondly, don't be affected by that bad egg so much, until you neglect/affect the other eggs. For example, project groups, the most significant issue I'm facing now. Today I'm just thankful for one of those other good eggs, who said, I'll help you cope if you have to pick up the mess from the bad eggs. Thank God for those bad eggs who made me realize how nice the good ones were! And to learn to appreciate the good ones more. It is always worse to let good things pass you by unnoticed, than to have to notice bad ones (hope I am clear here). Appreciate the good eggs. And most importantly, don't let those negative emotional vibes affect them until they feel negative too! Especially if everything could actually be completed without involving the bad eggs. Why then let them spoil the meal?

3. Thirdly, check if the eggs are really bad. Some eggs are just bad in certain ways but good in others. Some may seem to be bad all over, but it never hurts to leave just some room for good will to last. You never know when you need it.

The third point is actually very important because I find that there's always nothing to lose from doing that. So what if people are all out to 'use' you and get you? I grew up all through my school years with hardly any feelings of being used. There are some who say, you are a lucky one, all your friends are sincere (or at least not devious), they don't take advantage of you. It was up to a point that I wonder whereby this blissful situation was a realistic one or one merely perceived by myself. But perceiving things in a positive light is probably better than probing way down the roots and drawing your (very depressing) conclusions. At least it leaves you space to be kind to others, and to think the best of people. And you don't know who's ways you could change just by acting that way.

Some people may think that acting that way is going to make a person lose out in life. So what should you do if someone is treating you like a footstool to clamber his way to the top? To answer this question you may want to define 'the top'. If fame, fortune and accomplishments add up to 'happiness', you'd probably be a happier person than he is, but not at his expense. What could be better than that?

So don't forget there's the big white space at the background! And when you can't change anything, the only thing you could do is to change your own mindset. And that is a very big change indeed. Just like a drop of water in the calm ocean, you don't know how far the ripples can go. Both the good ripples, and the bad ones.

The Month of Timelines

October is here, and so are projects, tests and a new direction in my research project.

Our HR project is finally getting in shape. Not that I've seen any write-ups come out yet, but at least timelines and job scopes are properly allocated, and finally, everyone has responded at least once to emails. All the administration and people-bugging aside, I actually quite like this project. (Maybe I'm biased towards all things HR because I liked the project I did last year too, which was HR-related.) If I get to choose a course all over again, I'll study business and major in HR! There's so many interesting aspects to it, and the applications seem nice too, especially in big organizations.

Still, I believe there's a purpose and direction with me being in Chem Engineering. And I especially know that somehow, the engineering 'sense' of studying has given me much more leeway to appreciate HR (and psychology related) articles, and the ability to be able to analyze situations, much more than if I had plunged into it right at the start in the form of an MBA degree.

Our group has 7 persons, a little too big to manage, but I take comfort that the project paper is only as long as one IA report of mine. If I can churn out an IA report in 2 days, this should be OK, except this requires much more thinking, reading and analysis; which I have already done much and enjoy too. (Love the other module readings as well.) However, many times my view points are rather biased towards what I have already learned, so it's good to appreciate what others' think too.

I had my first CA on Downstream Processing of Pharmaceutical Products. It wasn't good, but not too bad either. Was tricked by every question set. Sigh. The lecturer was pretty nice about our results though. And he does teach well. I like this module - a lot. And it sort of compliments my Industrial Attachment. I'm not directly involved in the manufacturing sections taught in the module, but at least I can relate to most things he talks about.

There's another term paper on the Downstream module to come, plus the submission and presentation of our HR report, and another test for Downstream. My report for Prof Lee is almost 'just started'. And I have something to do in hall too. I'm quite stressed now and have been sleeping late. It doesn't really affect my productivity, but it affects my temper. I'm very quick to feel impatient now. And I'm not the only person whose temper is getting worse. My impatience doesn't come out in the form of anger, but just... impatience. I walk as fast as I could back to school after work (for no reason), and get irritated by people hogging the right side of the MRT escalator, standing absolutely still, blocking the whole line of people behind, and the MRT song comes out and I know I'm going to miss the train. Although that just means another 5 min wait, it irks me somehow. Am really spoilt by Singapore's near-perfect transport system.

Oh, and I just found out today, that by the time reading week ends, all my exams will end too. (Usually my exam doesn't start until reading week is completely over.) That means one week less to study, but on the bright side, this work-and-study life will end over, and I can finally start sleeping early before going to work.

XJ came to Singapore for work the past few days, and I met him with Jon. I think he's actually more excited about meeting Jon than meeting me. =.= Oh well, people are naturally curious. :S So we met at Vivo City and had Soup Spoon for dinner, thanks to Andrew's promotion. XJ used to be my virtual friend, and he has evolved into a physical one now. I wonder how many more virtual friends I will get to meet. There's a whole bunch of them in Malaysia that I hardly communicate with now. And there's Wes in Philippines, who has been really kind in helping me disseminate my survey to his friends, up to the point it made me feel rather ashamed of myself for not always thinking for other people like this.S

Today during Bible Study, JM says the only way for us to always make the right decision is to make God the only thing that matters in our heart. I agree, so much. I have been too protective of myself to think of others over here in NUS. I have been really stingy over my time, and I still am. I can't get over it. But I hope through this reminder, God will grow bigger and bigger in my heart, and I'll invest my time in Him and in others more and more.

Sunny side of Sept 29th

A lot of nice things happened today so I must note them down before I start chiong-ing what I want to present to Prof. Lee tomorrow (which is a not so nice thing. Opz).

Had to do some sai-kang work for yesterday and today in Biotech. Like what my supervisor said, sai-kang work is fun if you do it once in a while, but I would really, really need a VERY good motivation to do it daily. Two days is still fun :) Especially when

1. My supervisor is doing the work with me so I got to talk to her and eat lunch with her for the first time :D

2. The work is actually quite an important one although it was really sai-kang as well.

3. I met another NTU intern in Biotech! She's the second intern I actually talked to. (There's one which I always greet but never talked to properly.)

4. And I did learn things through the sai-kang work by asking questions on how a product is manufactured.

So overall it was quite a fruitful day at work. Plenty of exercise walking back and forth from API to Biotech too. Better than stoning in front of the computer freezing under air-con trying to be productive during my down time. :p

And I found out why I was accepted for the position (in comparison to two other candidates out of an unknown number of people who applied for the internship). Firstly I wasn't too ambitious and didn't have too lofty expectations of what I was going to do. And secondly, my resume was decent and was close to reality. Overall, it's because I'm a very normal aspiring intern. Haha. I don't know what I should think about this reason. It's enough for now but how about the future? I'll just be a normal needle in a pin cushion of needles.

But I'm really glad my supervisor told me all this because it showed that she cared about her interns and manages their expectations even before they start work. I think my supervisor is a very different person from who I am but I like her all the same as she is.

Learned much in HR class today too. I'm really glad for this 3 MC module because it's so thought provoking. Reminded me of the time Prof. Kai would ask us to write down what we learned in the previous class before class starts. Makes lessons applicable and concrete. The take-home point for me today - before starting work, know what I'm working for. If it's for money, be happy about it and let it be my motivating factor (that's different from 'selling life for money' and waiting for Friday every week). If it's other things: Think of how those needs can be fulfilled during my future work?

As I told my supervisor today, I don't quite think I'll be an engineer when I graduate. But what is it that I like to do? And can I do what I really like to do? Are expectations going to be jarringly different from reality?

The future is so suspenseful. I anticipate it, but yet, I am apprehensive. The only anchor I have is, in the future, just as in the present, God is there for me.

And finally, I'm so thankful to Emily and her mum today for giving me and Kasun a lift back to RH after class. It was just one of those little things that add up to make your day a wonderful one. :) It reminded me of Simon and my fellow church mates and class mates in Singapore and Tampin who are generous with their transport too. Little things like this really go a long way.

The Future

Had our roomie-lunch with Wing Mei and Si Jia last Sunday at Novena after church. It's been a long time since the three of us got together. We talked about random stuff, then I went back with Si Jia and she found the shoes she wanted in Clementi. Koi had it's very long queue as usual, but I went for QB Bubble Tea instead (cheapest bubble tea in Clementi). Their coffee flavored bubble tea tastes very nice. I'm not sure if it was always like that, or they just upped the standard because of competition.

Anyway at church Wing Mei popped a random idea (it felt random to me, but she probably had it in mind for some time). Why don't the two of us (plus Jon and Gideon) go live and work in Australia together (Australia is well known as a relaxing place to work, compared to Singapore anyway)? Then we can live in the same house, share meals to cut cost etc. I totally had no idea to react at all. Can't even see beyond the three year bond I have in Singapore.

I used to be very much afraid of venturing into foreign waters, going unfamiliar places and doing things I don't usually do, but not any more. This final year has been more of thinking than doing. Thinking of what the future might hold. Trying to look beyond the day I come out of UCC in my graduation gown. Yup I know with the absence of good honors my choices are limited in many ways. But still it has opened up other avenue of considerations I might not have considered otherwise.

But still I don't think I want to go that far away at least in a good number of years (unless God calls me to do so). It would be harder and harder to come home. Even in Singapore, I hardly have time to go home now. Somewhere halfway across the globe would be even worse. Sometimes we're so intent on pursuing our dream that we forget to retain the blessings we already have. It is always a trade-off, and engineers understand trade-offs very well.

In the end it all boils down to how we prioritize. For all we know (Jon says) we might end up in some hut in India or something doing God's work. I don't know the future, but I know Who holds my hand. And there are so many things within myself, here and now, that I need to change, without thoughts of venturing further. There's still less than one year's time, where that thing which I call 'the future' would arrive. I wonder what it will bring. But whatever it does, I know for sure He'll be there.

And to Wing Mei: Don't get me wrong, I'd still love living with you, whichever part of the world it is. :p We'll see.