I Found Someone I Didn't Quite Realize I Lost

I didn't know that I had changed so much over less than two years in NUS. Myself.

Was reading this blog post because I dug it out when Simon and Tirza mentioned the song I posted once. That was around 1.5 years ago.

I knew there were quite a lot of things I didn't like about myself back then. But now when I looked back, I see I took some things for granted. I thought I would always be optimistic, and unaffected by the cares of this world. I thought I would always wholeheartedly rely on God to take care of me. I thought I would always hold true to the values I felt were to be held on to.

Apparently, too much concern over how I have been doing academically have been causing me to let go of things. And it is qutie painful to realize that I have allowed this rat race to shape me so much.

The race itself is not a bad thing. It opened up my mind to see how much I could learn and humbled me before others. If others moan about mediocrity, all I wanted to be was just 'another average student', instead of one trying to catch up with the average student. It made me see and feel how I never really felt before back in my younger days - inferior.

But the desire to catch up and pull myself back up had caused me to burn bridges, and burn myself too. I know my CAP is not worth all of this. But somehow I couldn't stop.

Somehow I wish I had the courage to love, serve, and have passion for other things again, rather than letting my CAP cast a shadow over everything I do in my university life. It is very sad.

I wish I would just be able to learn without thinking too much about the results. Play the piano as much as I want without thinking about how it eats up my study hours. Blog freely instead of moan about how hard I've been studying - it's so pointless doing so. And spend more time with my friends, and other people, instead of wondering how long each outing and each talk will take, and again, whether it will cut my study time short.

I know that there are expectations for me to work hard, but I wonder if they would even exist if they knew that I'd become someone like this. And worse of all, the highest and most pressing expectations come from myself.

I read so many blogs about studies nowadays and how burdened people are about them. And I don't want to become just another one of them. God has a plan for me out there. And I just need to take that step of faith to trust.

Right now I had just forced myself to sleep off the effects of caffeine wakefulness, and so that my tired eyes could get a rest after working overnight. I'm going to force myself to slog again through the night. It is the same routine, before and after this blog post.

But perhaps, I could add in some peace, with the reminder that God is taking care of me, and I'm not just another average Joe, riding against the waves of academic excellence, to find yet another 9-5 job. I'm supposed to live a life God has planned for me, and not live it after I graduate. I should live it out now. And I know that life is not being a slave to mugging, which I have already made myself to be.

“There is fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins;

And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.

Lose all their guilty stains, lose all their guilty stains.

And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.

The dying thief rejoiced to see that fountain in his day;

And there may I, though vile as he, wash all my sins away.

Wash all my sins away, wash all my sins away.

And there may I, though vile as he, wash all my sins away.

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood shall never lose its power

’Til all the ransomed church of God be saved to sin no more.

Be saved to sin no more, be saved to sin no more.

’Til all the ransomed church of God be saved to sin no more.

E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream thy flowing wounds supply,

Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be ’til I die.

And shall be ’til I die, and shall be ’til I die.

Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be ’til I die.

When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave,

Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save.

I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save, I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save.

Redeeming love has been my theme. Why should I bond myself in chains when I have already been set free.

Thank God for this reminder of freedom.

Of Bazaars, Balloons, and Hall Spirit

Today I did the last part of my Bazaar aux. And I still love bazaar auxes! The fact that it was going to be the 'my last aux for life!' made it even more exhilarating.

As expected, there were no vendors between 9-10 am. Rafflesians down in central forum were few too, as many had their time slots in Monday and Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I managed to study and slack for the first hour.

Around 10.30 am, we were asked to publicize the RH recruitment drive for RH Pub. Interested RHesidents-to-be were asked to fill in a form, and then, they would be able to get a packet of free goodies. There was a hoop game too to attract attention. If they threw the hoop round anything on the table, they'd be able to get whatever the hoop went over. Yew Hong got a can of Pringles! There were also other gimmicks like flyers and Halloween lucky draw vouchers, top prize being a camera! Sigh! Why don't they save these goodies for existing Rafflesians instead? I never knew RH Pub had such a high budget allowance. :( Or maybe they sourced for both the money and goodies themselves.

There was another RH-Pub booth at the back of the forum too, showcasing photos taken for the New Beginnings photo competition. Sijia soon had this idea of asking all the vendors in Central forum to hang a balloon with the words Raffles Hall Hallwarming (10 Nov, 4 pm) on it, to attract attention to our poor little booth. Hence they blew up loads and loads of green balloons with a helium tank yesterday, and we were supposed to draw on the balloons.
This was when that I found that the guy giving us the balloons was in RH next year and was a junior of mine. I was rather appalled by the fact that I had a non-phantom junior in hall that I never got to know about.

Anyway, as I said on my facebook status, balloons self-destruct in my hands. I only held four. 1 flew away. Two burst when i was writing on them (and I did not exert that much force). Only the last balloon survived. :( Somehow wearing a green shirt, and writing on green balloons to promote hall suddenly made me feel that I'm very much a Rafflesian. This kind of feeling I don't get in hall despite the nice and exciting activities lined up for us this year. I remember when I last felt this... it was during IHG when then again all of us were wearing green and cheering for sports (either volleyball or handball, I forgot). And another time when we were supporting float.

Maybe I just feel that I belong when I'm in green, working with a bunch of people in green too, to showcase our hall to outsiders. And this is a funny time to feel all patriotric about hall, but yes, I like Raffles Hall a lot, after years of staying here. The way of life here is nice :) And yes, I do not really like how things are done in hall most of the time, but still there's something that pulls me back and makes me stay rooted to it.

At 12 pm I went back to hall, ending my very last aux in RH. And I still think bazaar auxes are the best aux to join :D

My body runs on grace

My body runs on grace now. And caffeine as well.

Week 11 is a happening week. The project deadline on Separations is crowding in, and we're meeting despite mid-terms preparations for next week. My own progress has been particularly slow, and my state of mind is getting more and more blurred by the day. I hope I didn't weigh down the group too much. Thank God for their understanding and patience.

RH bazaar, aka my Aux of the Year falls within this week. It's my favorite aux because a bazaar is interesting to be at in the first place. This year however, OSA has banned the selling of food that is cooked on-spot (think fire hazards and all that), so there were people complaining that they had no food to eat when their stomachs were growling for lunch. I split my 8 hours into 3 days. 2 hours on Monday, 3 on Tuesday and 3 on Wednesday.

The three hours yesterday was quite well-spent. I was there as early as 9 am and most of the vendors were not even there yet. Hence, there were many empty tables and chairs, so I pulled out my notes and started mugging. Obviously, I didn't manage to stay focused for long, but at least I covered a bit of my notes, which was better than nothing. The rest of the time was spent moaning to Jiun Tat (my junior) about how troublesome projects are and how they get into the way of studying, and how lucky he is to be able to escape projects after the revision of syllabus for his coming semester. There was this stall selling laptop skins and keyboard protectors with very interesting designs nearby, so I talked to some juniors about that too, and poked around the Biz Comm stall to see what they were selling. I wish I didn't have such a short attention span!

Since I mentioned caffeine earlier, it is interesting how I managed to survive these days. I took a long afternoon nap on Sunday (around 5 hours because I hardly slept the night before), and after that I didn't sleep till Monday night. I think I spent 5 hours sleeping on Monday night, another 5 today, and I feel strangely alert to stay up tonight as well. Thank God for his grace for my alertness despite so little sleep! Usually I must sleep around 8 hours a day in order to function properly. I haven't been overdosing on caffeine too... maybe just 1.5 cups a day? LOL. And somehow my body doesn't seem to need supper any more. I hope this doesn't mean I'll lose weight again.

There's a performance on Thursday night, meaning my night is gone. My group had finally managed to have a satisfactory practice though. It had been fun practicing with Jia Shen, Jerold, Shanqi and Chuanbo. I doubt that I'll have the chance to play with them again after this. Or play in any other cultural performance for the academic year for this matter. My industrial attachment is really going to take away all the time I have available for practices in hall. Fortunately I would still be able to contribute in Phoenix Times. I like writing for Phoenix, but now I realize that there's so many good writers in RH that I feel I have so much more to learn from them!

The seconds tick by, and the night goes on. Back to my notes I go.

Contentment

After the (relatively) depressing post below, I realized that I need a reminder to be contented with the lot I have. I got that reminder this morning.

I may not have enough sleep, but I am still healthy.

My grades may not be good, but I still get to go into university. And despite of everything negative I say about uni life here, deep down I still enjoy it.

My family may have expectations for me, but they never pressure me. In fact they show they care a lot for me.

I am not a fast learner in school, but then at least I have a chance to learn the things I learn, and many more lessons in life besides.

I may not excel among my peers, but I found good friends in them. Thanks Yew Hong, Mei, Kasun, Gant, and the rest! :)

I may not turn out rich, or have a glamorous job, but God will take care of me.

I may not have everything in the world, but I have Christ, who is more than everything in the world. How can I not be contented? :)

The quote goes: Lack of contentment makes a rich man poor; contentment makes a poor man rich. To me, contentment opens my eyes to behold how rich this poor girl actually is, for in Christ, nothing I lack.

我是非常非常幸福的.