Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Half Way Into Week 2

Actually I'm more than half-way into week 2 already, but since most of my classes are concentrated at the end of the week, I might as well say I'm half inside it.

Just back from the most successful points forum ever. There was free ice-cream at the beginning, bubble tea sold throughout and pizza at the end! Not to mention it started with a blast ON TIME, and ended early without too much ado about the points! Almost every question was answered to. And the whole forum was punctured with jokes, so it wasn't dull at all. What a remarkable start to the hall's year! :) Furthermore, we're actually going to apply for our activities right away.

Tirza's auditor and I half-wish I was too. This year's points system is fair (which is the reason why I voted it in), but not very advantageous for me since I have to juggle the horrible 22 MC, and maybe Industrial Attachment in semester two. The forum has inspired me to do more for hall though. This is why I can't stop doing activities since year one, but now the pull of studies has gotten to me, finally. A little too late maybe, but at least I haven't graduated yet. Time to put more of hall aside, and start mugging harder. But that doesn't mean I'll be sloppily doing my CCAs too. I shall just do what I can for this year, and I think I'll most likely get a place to stay on campus, be it in hall or otherwise, for my final year. Final year. The thought of that sure isn't very appealing.

Today I had a horrible viva session, half of it not understanding what the professor is asking. His English was, how to say? Not very understandable, to put it mildly. I hope our lectures are not going to be taught that way. And it made me nervous so the things I said while answering were pretty horrible and ungrammatical too. Argh. Hope I can do better in the next vivas. The report is another headache. I have to prepare half of it on my own and now I've only done roughly a quarter of my work.

Sometimes I really wonder how I'm going to work in the future as a chemical engineer. Are we supposed to concote solutions on-spot, or within a very short time-frame? I'm not good working on my own, or working with deadlines. And if I can't even fully understand an experiment I'm doing how am I supposed to device experiments that might incur a cost to the company in the future? It's not just my CAP that puts me down now. It's my actual capabilities. Why I'm still afraid of programming, handling unknown problems, relying on people to help me, not grasping things as fast as I should. The engineer is just not in me. Or is it? I don't know. God has a plan for me, but it doesn't seem to fit as it should.

Today I got a nice complimentary email that seemed to work the other way round. My performance in all the committes I've previously joined is commendable, and I'm a good person to work with, it says. Being the highest pointer (for girls) in hall last year is something people are always reminding me about this year, but I myself know where my high discrete come from. A sterling performance? That's not from me. Way back in year 1 when I got full discrete in RH-Ed I know why chairpersons like me - it's because I do things that I supposed to, I'm punctual, efficient and don't give issues. That's a good thing, but I can't offer more than that to my studies, to my hall CCA's, to anything else I'm in charge with.

These values are the things I value in my members and people who work under me too. But that will only get you and your committee ahead to a certain point, not all the way. Biz Comm needs people that come up with new ideas, not those who doggedly call for hours in a week, and just follow instructions efficiently. Engineers have to think out of the box, not follow a prescribed method of calculation. I lack imagination, I lack initiative and am afraid of taking risks. That is what's holding me back.

I can survive with people who like me and can work with me. But I'll never make it to the top because I don't have passion for anything yet, that can fuel my imagination and creativity, that will make me bold and willing to take risks. To consider opportunities, to compete with vigour and to love something so much, that I can sacrifice more time for it.

Maybe one day I'll become like that. And when you see that I'm different, do stop to ask me what that motivation is. It must have been a great one. That day is not here yet, but somehow something in me is longing to change, and it's waiting for the right event to trigger it. Someday.

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