Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Other Side You Never See

A line I've always heard since primary school is this: 你会生气的咩?

I've seen a lot of people get angry, but not many people has really seen me in full blast of anger, except Jon, and my family members. I don't think Daddy or my grandparents have seen it before. Mummy has seen my anger, but not directed towards her, but my sisters. Dawn and Mable has experienced it before, since it is impossible for siblings not to quarrel. But after they grew up (especially these few years) we don't quarrel any more. Now the only person I quarrel with (sometimes), is Jon.

Now please don't misunderstand that Jon is the major irritant of my life. In fact it's just the opposite because we always get things resolved after quarreling and it brings us closer to each other. But these years of the lack of anger expression has robbed me of my ability to clear things upfront with people. I get upset, irritated, and angry; but I don't respond because I don't know how another person's response will be.

This is actually a rather toxic response - because other people won't actually know that I'm offended, and they take me for granted, emotionally. Because Gail is never angry, they forget to be emotionally sensitive in that sense. I show other emotions like tiredness, frustration, beh-song ness but seldom anger, especially to the person I am directly communicating with. But I do feel angry, sometimes. What can you say? I'm a girl and girls are brimming with emotions. So people, please remember that I have XX chromosomes and particular hormones in my body making me capable of anger too (but thankfully not aggression).

My grandmother always says: 家姐好好脾气 (Gail has a good temper, in Cantonese). Yes I am never, irritated with grown-ups in my family because I feel deeply indebted towards them, and they seldom misjudge me. But to others, the 'good temper' probably means just 'good anger management'. Or prevention of explosion. Or even hiding the fact that the volcano is boiling inside.

This is probably the only post I'm going to write with the component 'anger' inside. I always stop myself when I want to write posts scolding people. But one has to have an outlet somewhere, and here it is - only I don't mention names and events; but if you understand, you understand.

Yesterday we had in class this article "I'm nice, but I'm not dumb'. Yes I don't get frustrated, or scold people easily, but it doesn't mean that your toes should be the only ones I'm careful treading around. I have toes too. And it doesn't mean that if I'm your friend, and I'm covering up for the work you should have done - I do it willingly for you. I understand that people have commitments, but don't people realize that people who do extra have commitments too? Only they are mindful of the commitments of others' and do not delay their work so that everyone else's work gets delayed?

This is what I want to say, but can't say. This week is really brimming with work. LKK practices for next Tuesday. Drug essay which I've barely started reading up. HR project just submitted and presentation to be prepared for thus eating up my whole Sunday (last min LKK rehearsal at night too) when I'm supposed to be chiong that essay last minute.

LKK would have been very fun, if not for all the commitments that come crashing in at the same time. But I'm thankful that people have been understanding - especially SY: whom I know has a lot of things in hand too, but is willing to lead the group and make sure things are done properly. Thank God for Prof. Lee and Bevan too who have urgent needs for their paper but still bother to make room to account for Mei & I's exams. And for my supervisor, who gives compliments generously with no 'buts' at the end, and cares enough to ask about my exams and stuff. It's these little people in life who let you hold on, through horrible weeks like this.

An ending note: This is probably the most horrible post I'll ever write, and maybe I'll regret posting this at all. So please don't take things seriously after reading, but one take-home point to remember. Gail is a girl with relevant hormones, pimples and a heavy workload in a kiasu environment; is cranky, needs to sleep and can't get enough sleep, so sometimes she can get emo and angry too.

And ya, I still don't mind doing extra for projects - but sometimes, people need to show appreciation, in some form or other.

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