Burden

So what happened was I made mistakes and they resulted in certain consequences for other people who were kind and responsible enough to take responsibility on what I've done. Not those deep dark dire ones but still, it causes a certain amount of displeasure/discomfort.

Three months are up and I still feel like instead of being a help, I'm dragging people backwards. People who have to look after me while doing their own work. People who do so willingly, and ever encouragingly. People whom I long to be a help to, but end up being otherwise. And people who even take initiatives to make me feel better afterwards.

I can't help being blur and making mistakes. I mean, I can help being so to a certain extent but it's really hard to not make mistakes all the time. Some can be salvaged but others harder to do so. All require extra time and effort on my part and on others to put right.

Perhaps I could start by being less emotionally vulnerable. Try to be less perturbed when something unexpected happens (in other words, when I do something wrong), put things right calmly, and not let the rest of my day and my work be affected by those mistakes. To not be an emotional burden, the little girl everyone has to take care of and be concerned about all the time.

I like being taken care of, but I guess it is immensely crucial that I learn to 'grow up' quickly in many ways. To be more independent. To be more careful. To make sure I'm fully alert and think through everything I've done. To take more initiatives. To exert better self-control over my emotions. To be less jumpy.

In a way I'm glad I went through this phase because I know how nice my colleagues are (what an understatement), and I appreciate them all the more because of this. I'm really touched by everything they did for me, the burdensome, boring newcomer launched by chance into their midst. But there needs to be a time limit for this 'learning period', and hence I will have to prepare to change myself in many ways.