Friday, July 17, 2009

Archive Browsing

Just now I have been browsing through the archives of Campus Blog and also the RH Block 6 block. So many memories flooded in.

I saw all the posts I put and the others put in the blog the past two years. I recalled that we used to be CampNUS because almost all of us were studying in NUS. (Now it's not, to be fair haha.) I saw many people I haven't been seeing for a long while. And pictures of myself with short hair!

I saw the crazy old days when we were all First Years hanky-pankying in Block 6 compounds and the kitchenette, the combined dinners, the combined birthday celebrations.

Funny how all these change for me just after two years.

I suppose in a way I have shut myself from Block 6'ers lovely company. And I have not the willpower to keep in touch with those who left Campus, or to persuade them to come back.

I look and I browse and that part of myself yearns to be that me I was once, just a mere two years ago.

How busyness, stress and competitiveness has shaped me! How much university life has given to me, and yet how much has it taken away too.

I have always regarded myself as being soft in a way as being easily shaped by opinions of others and events in life, and I think to some degree I'm right. I've been changing and changing, year after year. And though part of me wants to go back, somehow, I don't want to go back either.

The change hasn't been all bad. I did make new friends. I did learn the importance of being dilligent and taking initiatives. I learned who I must be in order to be a good employee, to fit into this new world I'm thrust into, one I'm still struggling to learn how to survive in. I learned to take up heavier responsibilities. I regained part of my self-confidence I left behind in Malaysia, and at the same time, learn how to be humble.

Yet I begin to find it hard to hold on to relationships, especially those that have passed. My whole anchor to who I am and who I was before this in relation to people is that I belong to my family, and to them I shall always belong. The rest sort of come and go.

Dear friends, I do not understate your importance in my life. I do take friendships seriously, and I try to be accountable for all. Yet, I regret I have not found time to talk, listen and just be there for people, because I am often confused with my priorities - I wonder if I have been spending enough time on myself, even though it is already a lot.

Oh, I miss those days when you can just thrust the care of growing up and thriving in a working world apart, and just be there with your friends for fellowship and fun, sharing experiences with each other. I wonder why although I have placed great importance in many friendships in my life, I have often failed to sustain them.

And most of all, I wonder why part of me just wants to continue with the state I am now and live with it. I'm confused. Am I really like that?

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